Abc123

Looking for Advice and Help Coping

11 posts in this topic

Hi everyone. I guess I should start off by saying that I'm a 24-year-old male. I've also a virgin and a waiter and I'm really struggling right now.

The idea of sex and even relationships has always been a weird subject for me. I honestly barely gave either a second thought until I was almost out of high school. At that point I had my first crush who I "fell in love" with and then got my heart torn out by. Over the past few years the same scenario has played out a few times, each time with me thinking this girl was "the one" way before any of those thoughts should have entered my mind (I guess I'm a hopeless romantic). You could say I've kind of had a couple girlfriends but that's a little bit of a stretch, as they did not last very long and I barely saw them in person. Regardless, just about each time I've felt crushed to varying degrees with the first time and about a year and a half ago being by far the worst. Both of these times had me fall into pretty bad depression.

Well, since about a year and a half ago, I have recovered and become as good as new. All of these struggles led me each time to want to give up on love completely for fear of being hurt and going through all of the pain again. But as you can probably tell, a girl comes along making me want to try one more time, and that's exactly what happened.

 

A few months back, I met a girl who is a year younger than me online by chance and it is absolutely crazy how similar we are and how well we get along. We like so many of the same things, have a lot of the same phobias, had the same major in school, etc. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself. I've honestly never seen anything like it. Regardless, I made a concerted effort not to let myself fall for her because of the distance of about 3 or so hours between us and because of my fears of getting hurt again.

Well that worked nicely until about two weeks ago. We just kept talking more and more, staying up all night, losing track of time, and becoming very close to each other. About a week ago I admitted to really liking her and she told me she liked me too, although she said she is not quite ready to meet me in person.

The only problem is that she is not completely a virgin. Up until a few months ago, she had never done anything sexual at all. She is somewhat afraid of sex, male genitalia, and STDs, however she was apparently "not feeling like herself" and wanted to do some experimenting because she was sad about her lack of experience. She says that she never liked the guy at all and it was just experimenting. They really didn't do too much and she was very nervous and stressed and didn't really like it very much at all (she even admitted to crying about some of it). From what I gathered it was mostly him giving her oral/fingering her and her giving him hand jobs, although she said one time she tried to give him oral with a condom on but she really hated it and never wants to do it again.

I knew all this or most of it from the start of when I started talking to her but now that I like her this absolutely torments me every day. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because I've never even met her yet but I just really hate this so much. I can't stop thinking about it and it's so hard for me to get over it. I really do like her so much and I know almost everyone has done way more by that age. I don't know if it's just a really bad personal issue of mine that this bothers me so much, but it does. It's interfering with almost everything about my life and I've even paid a lot of money to talk to an online counselor about it. That has helped a little but not nearly enough. I just don't know what to do and I need support I guess. I just wish one time during a relationship I could feel good for more than just a brief period before experiencing so much pain.

Thank you in advance everyone. I just needed to get this off my chest and I need help.

EDIT: Also I don't even know if deep down I really care if I wait until I'm married to have sex. I mostly just care that I have it with one person and one person forever and that this one person only has it with me.

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Well, Aj, you're neither being unreasonable nor alone about that as you explain.

Good on you the fact that you are getting it off your chest and reaching for help.  

Unfortunately for you I cannot offer a lot more than encouraging words ad I have little to no experience to pasz on.

Still don't forget that maybe your concerns are legitimate, and as hard as it seems the option of moving on is also a possibility. What confuses me the most is why she would experiment like that with someone she doesn't even like?

But take that with a grain of salt. Again, I do not know enough about the topic...

On a final note regarding the "one and only one forever" you seek, waiting till marriage is the best way of ensuring exactly that.

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Thank you for your reply Peter. I really appreciate it. The counselor I talked to is trying to convince me that her past is not a bad thing and is trying to help me figure out why it bothers me. He's compared sex to other things and is trying to sell that experience is good. It just doesn't seem the same. Sex is just so different.

Maybe my concerns are legitimate but most of the entire world has no issue with these things, yet I do. It is only here that I am seeing other people like me. I just want happiness, and I was happy, but now I'm having a mental breakdown because I don't know what to do. It feels like she is the perfect girl aside from this one thing and I don't want to move on from the one I'm supposed to be with because of my own issues. I'm not sure I'll ever find someone as good as her and the odds of that person being pure as well seem so low. I just wish I could have gotten to her sooner.

I don't know why she would experiment like that with someone she doesn't even like. She said she wasn't feeling like herself and in some ways she wishes she didn't do it, but in other ways she is glad because now she knows some things about her genitalia and she also knows that she wants to wait until she finds someone she loves.

By the way, she has no idea that I feel this way. I didn't even tell her that I was a virgin and would not ever do anything sexual with someone I didn't love until recently.

Yes, waiting until marriage is the best way of ensuring that. I agree completely. All I am saying is that if I happened to find someone I loved who was also a virgin and we lost it together before marriage and we stayed married forever, then I would have no problem at all with that.

I just wish these things were easier for me and I didn't have problems getting so depressed and anxious. It always feels like the world is going to end and it can just be unbearable sometimes. This should not upset me as much as it does, and I can't imagine how much pain and anguish I will feel if something truly awful happens like someone close to me dying.

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Hey aj05,

First off, there is nothing wrong with being bothered by someone you care about having a sexual past. I do think that if it is causing you severe anxiety to the point it's interfering with daily life, then it's a problem. But it is good that you are seeking counseling for it and I encourage you to keep at it if it is helping you a lot.

I can totally relate to what you are feeling. Even though I'm not in a relationship yet, I do find myself resigning to the fact that statistically speaking, I will in all likelihood end up with a non-virgin. That does bother me a lot because I do fear being compared negatively to previous guys and that I won't measure up. Sometimes it feels unfair that I waited all this time to give my virginity to my future wife but she may not be able to give me the same. I do firmly believe that sexual history matters and it's not a small issue like many people may say. If it wasn't a big deal then there really isn't a whole lot of value of waiting till marriage. Like it or not, actions have consequences. 

Now that being said, there is lots of room for healing. I had a couple conversations with non-virgins that helped ease my mind a lot. They both said that they don't find themselves thinking of past partners at all and that there was no comparison in their minds. But this was only possible because they actively sought healing by asking God to forgive them. They had to go through a tough process of repenting and sorting out their own baggage before God in order to rid themselves of guilt and shame from their experiences. Had they not gone through the process, they likely would have let their sexual baggage cause a lot of intimacy problems into their marriage bed.

If I was in your shoes, I would pay close attention to how this girl views her sexual past. Does she show genuine remorse for her mistakes? If so then that is a good sign and I do think it's worth pursuing her. But if she makes excuses for herself or deflects blame like she claims she was pressured or doesn't see it as a big deal, then that is a huge red flag. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't take responsibility for her own actions. I would want to be with someone who truly values waiting and wishes she abstained. 

I hope that helps.

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Hi Invincible, thank you for the reply! It means a lot.

It really is amazing to me that so many people DON'T care. The thought of it really drives me crazy and I don't know how I could get over it. I've always dreamed that my wife was also a virgin but I knew that it would take a lot of luck. Now that I'm 24, the odds just seem to be going down. I really want to give this girl a chance because I feel like there could definitely be something there (although I've been very wrong before) but I just don't know how I can get past this.

I don't know how much counseling can help for this issue, unless it can just completely change my mindset and make me not care (something I honestly would be okay with because it would take so much current and future potential stress away from me). But I just don't think I'll ever be that pragmatic about it, unless I end up losing my purity/virginity before marriage myself. The counselor is trying very hard to get me not to think of virginity as so important. He's asking me why it's so important to not have done something. He used the example of sending a text message, saying that once you've sent one you can never "not have sent one". He makes a lot of sense but it just doesn't work like that to me.

I don't feel like I would ever have an issue with being compared, at least with this girl. From everything she said, it was not good and she did not like it. I still will never understand her reasoning for doing it in the first place, though. She could have tried harder to learn how she could make herself achieve "it", even though she says she did try and never had any success. It's such a shame because even after all of this, she still never achieved "it". So in every sense it was a complete waste.

It's very hard to say how she views it. I'd guess that if she could do it over again, she would not have done it. She is overall pretty conservative about the whole thing, but I'm not sure if that just has to do more with her own hangups about sex and germs or she thinks virginity/purity is just a better way to go. When I told her that I was a virgin she said that she thought that was a really good thing. I don't think she has remorse. I think she feels like it was an okay thing to do to get experience but now she doesn't want to ever do anything like that again.

I don't even think the fact that the guy was someone she didn't like in that way makes any difference to me. If it was a steady boyfriend, I don't think it would have made a difference in my mind. It's just the lack of complete virginity that bothers me a lot.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. Any and all support helps.

EDIT: I guess what really hurts the most is how close I feel like I was to finding someone that was as perfect as I'd ever want them to be, that was good for me, that I would really be able to enjoy time with, etc. A lot of those things might still be true, but I feel like this will always bother me deeply. If only I had gotten to her just a little sooner or she had been able to please herself... It's so hard. I just want her to be the one because it's been such a struggle and there's been a lot of pain along the way.

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I totally get your problem. The edit summarized it well btw.

One thing you could do that might make up your mind, is to open up to her completely and explain your situation and your feelings about this.

On a side note: Generally I find this to be a good solution to many, especially emotional, issues. It works best if your core values are principal, not attached to any material, people etc, otherwise opening up like that can be devastating e.g. Someones core value being acceptance by an individual, getting rejected could be the end of his world. Not referring to anyone, just an idea of what I'm referring to regarding core values etc. I guess it would be easier to just recommend my source book "seven habits of highly effective people" :P

Anyway, you should start by saying that you have something on your heart that you need to talk to her about. Then open up. The point is that seeing someone genuinely exposed makes people genuinely listen and even opening up themselves. You're likely to at least get her point of view on this whole situation.

How she responds is up to her, and will hopefully give you the answer you need to decide. Whether it means it's time to move on, or see through her past.

Of course, it's just an option on how to tackle the issue. And a tough way to do it too, I'd say. But I believe it will be effective regardless of the outcome.

On another note, as Vincent said, her not having any remorse on the matter is a red-flag. Then again, I wouldn't call it at that unless she gets a chance to open up and explain herself... Basically one of the many things you might learn when opening up to each other.

Again, an option, a scary one probably, but consider it.

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Sometimes I just feel so weak and harsh for thinking this way. It's not the way I want to think, and I just have trouble controlling my emotions in general about relationships. No matter how many times I tell my heart to hold back and not get too invested, it does it anyway. It's just got a lot to give and it's desperate to give it I guess. However, it's way too fragile, and my mind thinks too much. My mind and heart are very forgiving and can easily overlook a lot, but this one thing is just a real struggle.

That seems like a good option, but like you said it's a very scary one. I feel like eventually I may have to tell her how I feel or it could just be bad and lead to bigger problems. Either that or somehow find a way to get over it on my own. She has no idea I feel like this at all. And it's tough because we get along so well. We literally have never once fought, even when we disagreed about something. Like I just smile, don't get mad, and think about how much I like her and maybe playfully tease her a little bit before we move onto something else.

I feel like she could get very offended by me mentioning it or tell me I'm being ridiculous, etc. I know she likes me but I don't think she likes me quite as much as I like her. And I doubt if I told her I did something like she did she would even be as upset at all. Like I mentioned before, she was under the impression that I was not a virgin up until the last couple weeks because I never mentioned it and acted like that wasn't the case.

I guess it's just the fact that we have never actually met in real life yet. I'm hoping we can in about a month. My counselor has told me that at that point everything may feel okay again, but I'm not sure. He thinks I may be filling in the blanks about this girl and fantasizing because of this fact, but I really haven't met anyone that I got along with this well in my life. I really don't think there's anyone I could talk to as long as I talk to her without getting bored. It just feels like I could have more fun and argue less with her than maybe anyone else in the world. Maybe my thoughts are way out of line and crazy but they are how I really feel after talking to her more than I've talked to any girl in my life.

I really don't know what to do. It's all so confusing and I feel like I could possibly feel completely different about it all down the road. My mind has done crazy things before. Maybe I just need to lose my virginity myself and I'll feel better (I'm not going to because I don't believe in doing that, but it seriously might help with this situation lol).

Anyway, thank you again for the great reply Peter! I feel like the more perspectives I can get from people here the better I'll be able to handle this situation and figure it all out. Maybe if some virgins that are with non-virgins were to see this and give their perspective, that could help a lot too.

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You're welcome :)

Cleary, this is something important to you, and therefore something I think you should tell her. Not nessearily immediately, but when you feel the mood and time is just right. Preferably something you should do face to face -- body language plays a huge part. It's prooobably also not something for a first date, so if you haven't met yet it should definitely not be the first thing you talk about. Then again it might actually be a good time depending on the settings and mood etc. After all its not an interrogation, it's you opening up something that concerns you deeply.

If you haven't checked them already theres a few old threads dating/marrying non-virgins on this forum that are probably worth reading as well btw.

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Yeah it is very important to me. It's always been in the back of my mind for years with girls I liked but I never knew one way or another what their experiences were, so I kind of just put it on the back burner. I also feel like with these past girls I tried to force it more and my reasons for liking them had to do more with my immaturity. That wasn't the case this time. This just happened naturally and, at least to my untrained brain, she seems like a keeper. But again, there's these two issues. The one I mentioned and the distance.

Part of me also feels like I'm being ridiculous and doesn't want to mess a good thing up but my brain just has a lot of trouble with the idea of being with someone that has been with someone else. I definitely will need to talk to her at some point if this thing ever gets to the next level. If she truly is the one for me (way too early to know), she will be understanding and not get angry. It would be so great though if someone could build a time machine and make the whole thing not happen lol.

I have looked into some of them, but I will do some more searching. I know that perspectives from others like me that have been through it will help for sure. And I will also keep asking God for guidance.

Thank you once again. It really does help more than you know.

EDIT: I think I might just have to get over it. I’ll never find anyone as good as her (for me personally) to begin with. Much less someone that is also a virgin. What I want doesn’t exist, or at least it died a few months ago.

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I agree with Peter. Since this clearly is a very important issue for you, and that's not a bad thing, it is best to simply express this is bothering you to her. It is better to do it sooner than later. Because the longer you wait, the more emotionally invested you will get and it will make things must harder later down the line. Trust me, I made that mistake once and I regretted it.

I know you are not looking forward to having that conversation because you are afraid of what she might say. But it's important that you don't go in it in an accusatory way. Just say that you are bothered by her sexual past and having a tough time dealing with it. How she responds to that will tell you everything you need to know. If she gets offended. makes excuses or say it's not a big deal, then you have your answer. She clearly isn't the one for you because she doesn't see eye to eye on something that is very important to you. It doesn't matter that you guys get along in other ways. I was in sort of a similar situation once. I was talking to this girl about a year ago and we seemed to really hit it off. But everything went down south when she turned out to be a bit of a raging feminazi. Then we got into a really heated theological argument. Needless to say, she wasn't the one for me and I never looked back.

But if she is genuinely remorseful and really does wish she could take it all back, then I would say give her a chance. Yes it can still hurt and may take time to get over. But I think it would be a mistake to pass up a girl who is truly sorry and wants to have something special with you. 

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You are definitely right. I have to tell her and I have to do it soon. Like I said though, I'm just afraid that what I want doesn't exist. My emotions are crazy. One minute they are fine simply liking her as a friend and assuming we will never be anything more and the next they really want to be with her and have trouble imagining life without her (huge jump lol).

A part of me is also afraid that maybe down the line this won't be such an issue for me. Like, I'm thinking this could just be an issue with me right now. I don't know. Like I said, I change a lot. I feel like I change every year in some way. My mind is just so confused and questioning everything. So I don't want to mess this up when it all just seems so great right now. I know you said it doesn't matter that we get along in so many other ways because of what you said about your situation, but those ways I'm referring to are kind of crazy. We have talked deeply about a lot of important stuff (including generally the whole sex thing but not quite to this level). She just seems like a carbon copy of me in like a lot of ways and it honestly scares me that I'll never find anyone as good as her. That's probably my biggest issue. She might be as perfect as it gets for me.

I guess it just does all come down to talking to her. I don't know if there is a right answer about anything before doing that. Ugh, life is tough lol.

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