jane577

I need some advice

8 posts in this topic

I happen to come across this site and thought maybe you guys can hopefully help and give me some advice.

I have a problem. I am 36 years old and never had a boyfriend. I know it's weird but it's true. Nothing wrong with my appearance. I would say I'm average looking. I'm Asian but just recently migrated to Australia. I didn't really worry too much about being single before as I never really felt alone because I always had friends and family with me. And I have friends near my age who also have never been in a relationship. I was too focused on my studies and my career so I kept thinking my love life can wait. I have a bachelor and masters degree. I'm quite an achiever. Always the honor student and felt like I needed to be successful because my family is expecting a lot from me. I came from a Catholic family who are conservative. My parents didn't want me to have a boyfriend until I finish my studies and I have always been the good daughter. I could think of a lot more possible reasons why I didn't have a relationship. But when I migrated here in Australia, suddenly I don't have my family and friends. And one day it just hit me. I'm 36 years old and still single! I'm feeling scared now and it's stressing me whenever I think about it. I don't want to grow old alone. I want to have a family and have kids. 

I'm having regrets now of how I lived my life before and not entertaining guys but past is past and I have to face the present. What should I do? Some friends told me to try online dating but I'm too scared that if I tell a guy that I've never had a boyfriend at my age he will think I'm a freak, considering the culture here in Australia. I'm too scared to even go on dates because of fear when the guy ask me about past relationship. It always gets asked. Hope someone here can give me some advice. Thank you. 

 

 

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Join Catholic Match!  I am your age and met my fiance on there :) Go on dates!  Don't be scared...you WILL miss out if you wait around and don't take any sort of action!  Also, pray for help and ask St. Raphael to help you find a mate :)  

You don't have to advertize on your profile that you've never had a boyfriend.  Just be positive and upbeat and put down your interests and the kind of person you'd like to meet.  No need to undersell yourself.  You never know.  You could meet someone really nice.  Just be safe and smart, don't go alone with someone, be in a public place, have your own transportation, and don't drink or anything on the first date if you can't handle it.  Keep your standards and make sure the person you meet up with is 100% believing on all major points (Catholic Match has 7 questions that people can answer no or yes to).  

You can do it!  Have faith and chin up!

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@Lovelyish Thank you very much for your kind words! I am so glad to meet someone here who understands my situation. I will definitely give Catholic Match a try. I will keep praying. Can I just ask something? If I do go out on dates and the guy ask me about my past relationship, how should I answer him? 

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On 12/11/2017 at 10:10 AM, jane577 said:

What should I do?

From what you have mentioned, it seems like you have been living your life for other people. My 0.02 cents, I think you should take some time to get to know yourself first, before you ask people for advice and/or jump into the dating world. You don’t want to waste any more time. Knowing yourself i.e Your preferences, desires, deal-breakers and why these things are important to you. Lastly, consider if the type of man you want, would also want you and if you would be good for him. You would be surprised how many people completely neglect that last part.

On 12/11/2017 at 10:10 AM, jane577 said:

Some friends told me to try online dating but I'm too scared that if I tell a guy that I've never had a boyfriend at my age he will think I'm a freak, considering the culture here in Australia.

I totally hear you on this part. However, there is a double standard that works in your favor…if a guy sleeps with a lot of women, then he’s a “player” but if a women sleeps with a lot of men the she’s a “slut”. Being a guy it is expected that you sleep around and have quite a few notches on your belt. I stared dating at 26 and two years later I found my ex and had my first serious relationship. I can’t even begin to tell you how many women on Christian Mingle cut off all communication when I told them I was a virgin or never had a relationship…No matter how well things were going, when I would tell them, I’d never hear back.

However, the only women willing to listen and talk about it (excluding my ex) were Catholic, which was something I always appreciated and never forgot. Also, at that time, I was chatting with a friend of mine who also experienced the same problem with women on Christian Mingle and similar Christian dating sites, except he was divorced. He too said the only women who would listen to his experience and give him a chance were also Catholic women...while correlation does not = causality, if Catholic men are anything like the women me and my friend got to know, you probably have nothing to worry about : p  

Lastly, if someone can’t take 10-20 minutes in conversation to listen to the reason/s why you have not had a relationship, then you’re better off without them and you should not care what that person thinks about you. Ideally, you should want a spouse who will listen to you first and then form an opinion.

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@SG1 Thank you very much! That was very encouraging. I think you're right. I have been living my life for other people. Doing what I think is expected of me. I need to reflect on myself first. I'm so glad to have found this site. I had a good feeling about it and I was right. I feel a lot better now and have some sense of direction. Thank you to those who replied and for your words of encouragement. May God bless you all. If ever I find someone, I will come back on this post and let you all know.

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Don't be worried at all about not having had a boyfriend before. I'm sure that any guy who is interested in marriage would find that as very appealing. If a guy didn't like that, then I think they probably have impure motives.

I'm not Catholic so I cannot vouch for the Catholic Match website. However, I know that on Okcupid.com, there are questions that you can answer about waiting till marriage, etc. That way you can instantly 'eliminate' those who do not share your values. I think a website with questions like that is much better than other types. I have seen on a religious dating site where people would say how they love God and church so much, etc. However, I would see their profile on Okcupid.com and see that they were not waiting till marriage at all:unsure:. I don't think you should list not having had any boyfriends on a dating page profile though (you might get responses from a lot of guys who just think that you are desperate ;) ), but certainly don't hesitate to talk about it if it came up in conversation.

 

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On 12/12/2017 at 7:08 AM, jane577 said:

@Lovelyish Thank you very much for your kind words! I am so glad to meet someone here who understands my situation. I will definitely give Catholic Match a try. I will keep praying. Can I just ask something? If I do go out on dates and the guy ask me about my past relationship, how should I answer him? 

If you want someone to be honest with you, you have to be honest with him.  But you don't have to tell EVERYTHING at once.  Just say something like "I haven't dated as much as some people".  No one should pry that much on a first date.  I would practice explaining things with a trusted friend who you think is mature and responsible before going out with someone.  You should do a lot of back and forth messaging, hopefully talking about topics like dating and your beliefs before you ever meet up.  

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