Lovelyish

My fiance was raped

6 posts in this topic

Hi there, guys.

This is on my heart and I'm working through it.  I made a new account on this site because I want to be totally anonymous.
I am a virgin and I have always thought that God would honor my persistence in waiting with giving me another virgin to marry.  It never entered my mind that the person I'd end up marrying would be a non-virgin.

Well...a LOT of bad things happened last year and earlier this year.  I won't go into it all, but the end result is that I met an amazing man, wonderful, sweet, kind, patient, caring, awesome, funny...everything I'd ever wanted...

Except not a virgin.

I had kind of accepted that he was in love before, long time ago in relationships.  But then he told me the real story.  
His first expirience of sex was nonconsensual.  I won't go into details, but believe me, guys CAN be raped.  It's so sad and awful.
If that had been the only time, it would still be hard to deal with.  But after this happened, he kept having sex with her in the relationship.  I'm guessing he felt used and insecure and thought "why not?" because it had already happened.  Well, that relationship ended and he ended up having sex with one more person, much in the same way.  Not rape, but manipulation and insecurity.  

Now, this adds another layer for me to work through. He's not technically a virgin, but sex is GIVING and he didn't give.  It was taken from him.
I've always focused on that first time as being so important between two virgins, the act of giving and purity of waiting and knowing no one else has shared that intimacy.  But he didn't make the choice to share that.  He didn't even expirience a stupid high school "first time" in the back of a car.  He waited till after college, and was still waiting when this happened.  But then just gave in.
He has since stopped doing that...come full circle and got into a serious relationship with God and into his religion.  He hasn't had sex since that happened (it's been years), and really is good at helping us keep our chastity.  He realizes how these relationships were not healthy, and not good, and sinful.  And that he needed to get away from them, and he did.  


I'm looking for some emotional support, I guess.  I love him very much.  We are engaged and getting married in a few months.  I'm just having such a hard time, still...it comes in waves:  anger, jealousy, fear of comparison, anger that I wasn't worth waiting for, etc.  I know these are not LOGICAL conclusions.  They are emotional reactions to having grown up in a purity culture that wasn't very healthy, in my opinion, and the emphasis on virginity and the wedding night being both of your first times.  It was always in my head that keeping your virginity was pretty much the most important thing you could do in relationships.  I had horrible models of relationships growing up, lots of fake church people and trying to project the image of this great family, when it was all rotten on the inside.  I know this distress is a symptom of that.  But it's so hard, guys.  I love him so much...I'm so happy to marry him.  I just cannot get this image out of my head that it's supposed to be two virgins and that I'm lowering my standards somehow.  And I'm angry that I waited and won't be able to say I was worth waiting for. 

Please don't judge me too harshly. 

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Hi, I'm so sorry for you and your fiance. All that I can say is that he never seemed to have sex. He didn't love, but he loves you. He didn't give himself to her, but he's giving himself to you. He can't change the past; you can't change the past. But you can change the present you can let yourself love him and let him love you. He never had that with another woman, but he's willingly having it with you and respecting you.

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I know that you probably already know that, you seem smart. But it can sometimes help for another person to put it in writing for you. I'm only 16, I certainly don't know much, but even if it helped you just a little bit I'm glad. Love and peace <3

Edited by seabutterfly
Terrible spelling errors
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I'm sorry about what happened to your fiance. A horrible crime was committed against him and I hope he has found a lot of healing since then.

I have had similar feelings regarding waiting. There are brief moments in time where I hoped God would reward me with another virgin for waiting so long. I would feel shortchanged somehow if I didn't end up with a virgin. The hardest thing for me was fear of comparison of past sexual partners and how her mind would wander off to them when we are intimate. The thought that someone else could satisfy her better than I could would devastate me. So I do have at least some idea of what you are feeling.

Something happened to me yesterday about this issue that may also help you too. I was talking to someone about my fears of being with a non-virgin. She then told me how she was married previously to an abusive man whom lost her virginity to after marriage. She finally left him and remarried to a good man. Before she found her now husband, she was worried no one would want her because she wasn't a virgin anymore. She assured me that she doesn't think of her ex-husband at all, so there is no comparison in her mind. It did make me feel better knowing that. Your fiance likely wants to forget the trauma he experienced too. All he wants is to have a fresh start with wanting to build a new and wonderful life with you and leave the past behind. That is a beautiful thing. Remind yourself of why you love him in the first place and the fact that he loves you. Take comfort in that.

I hope that helps.

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2 hours ago, Invincible said:

I'm sorry about what happened to your fiance. A horrible crime was committed against him and I hope he has found a lot of healing since then.

I have had similar feelings regarding waiting. There are brief moments in time where I hoped God would reward me with another virgin for waiting so long. I would feel shortchanged somehow if I didn't end up with a virgin. The hardest thing for me was fear of comparison of past sexual partners and how her mind would wander off to them when we are intimate. The thought that someone else could satisfy her better than I could would devastate me. So I do have at least some idea of what you are feeling.

Something happened to me yesterday about this issue that may also help you too. I was talking to someone about my fears of being with a non-virgin. She then told me how she was married previously to an abusive man whom lost her virginity to after marriage. She finally left him and remarried to a good man. Before she found her now husband, she was worried no one would want her because she wasn't a virgin anymore. She assured me that she doesn't think of her ex-husband at all, so there is no comparison in her mind. It did make me feel better knowing that. Your fiance likely wants to forget the trauma he experienced too. All he wants is to have a fresh start with wanting to build a new and wonderful life with you and leave the past behind. That is a beautiful thing. Remind yourself of why you love him in the first place and the fact that he loves you. Take comfort in that.

I hope that helps.

I love this.  It does help, thank you.

I know that these issues are mine and that he's done a lot of work and healing to get past these bad abusive women who used him for sex.  But it is something I've had saved up a long time (we are both in our 30s) and now I'm dealing with it.  Virginity is a huge issue for me.  

I was talking with my friend last night about how it hurts that I won't be his first time, and he said "He is giving his whole life for you."
I replied "I don't think I'm worth it".

My friend pointed out that it seems my self-worth is tied up in the fact that I'm a virgin, because it's been such a long-time thing.
I have low self-esteem, and him not waiting for me too kind of affirms that I'm not worth waiting for.  
When I totally WAS worth waiting for, and he would have waited if he had known!  And if he hadn't been raped.
I'm also really angry at her...

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Love him and support him with all you have. Being with a guy (or girl) who isn't a virgin makes no difference. I've covered this elsewhere, but as virgins, it's not profitable to be picky.

 

Also, your fiance has had horrible things done to him. When that happens, it's hard to get off the road that a background like that can usually lead to. 

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