Wyhunter

What are the best ways to get past the feelings/emotions of marrying a non-waiter?

3 posts in this topic

I waited for marriage. I had talked with my wife while we were dating about sex and asked if she had been with another guy sexually. I explained that I would have difficulties marrying a non-waiter. She answered that question by telling me that when she was a teen that she was raped. I understand that rape is not a part of non-waiting. It was not her choice and I had my own problems with this in my early years. So I could understand to a bit what she had gone though. After that discussion the subject never came back up before we got married. However, I never felt like she was telling me the complete truth. Well after we had been married for four years the truth came out. We had gotten in a fight and she told me about sleeping with guys (her boyfriends) before we met. I had a hard time with that and if it wern't for our young daughter at the time I probably would have left her. Well I stayed and swallowed my pride and relearned to love her again even with my hurt trust. I no longer felt like she was holding any more secrets from me and I learned how to forgive.

Now fast-forward to the present, we have been married for 16 years and have three kids. For the most part I have felt like the waiting for marriage issue was gone for me. However, I work with a lot of guys and not one of them is/was a waiter. I get to hear stories almost daily of these guy's sleeping with a lot of girls. Most of these guys were doing it for pleasure or sport and not for a relationship. These stories bother me and it got my issues with my wife back. I talked with her about my feelings and she basically blows it off and doesn't want to listen to them. She feels like this issue was dealt with and I should be over it. I'm trying to get over it but this has been hard for me. I still love my wife and I plan on staying with her but I hate these feelings I have. I'm looking for help with this.

Thanks

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I'm so sorry to hear that you've been hurting for such a long time. I'm not remotely qualified to give advice for your situation, but It sounds like you might benefit from counseling, both on your own and hopefully with your wife as well. A good counselor would help you understand and heal from past hurts, develop strategies for dealing with your co-workers, and communicate productively with your wife. I hope you find the help that you're looking for. Take good care of yourself.

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Yet another post that seems to indicate the importance for you women to date/marry men who are confident/secure with their bodies, especially if you have any sexual history...Otherwise, the guy will worry he's not as pleasurable as your previous partners and this will only become toxic in the relationship....smh... Although, this is important regardless of gender because a man/woman will feel more comfortable communicating/taking on difficult topics with a partner who is confident/secure. They will know their partner is mentally strong and will be able to handle difficult situations. Goodness there seems to be lots of these posts.

From what you posted, it seems like you both are wrong and have equal amounts of fault, in this very unfortunate situation.

On 11/4/2017 at 0:26 PM, Wyhunter said:

However, I never felt like she was telling me the complete truth.

Why on earth would you marry someone who you think is lying to you...Especially when you knew full well it would be something really difficult for you to handle if she was lying? You accepted the risk and now you need to accept the consequences of that decision. And she never should have lied either...And the lie she was telling is truly appalling.

On 11/4/2017 at 0:26 PM, Wyhunter said:

I had talked with my wife while we were dating about sex and asked if she had been with another guy sexually. I explained that I would have difficulties marrying a non-waiter.

Why would this be difficult for you? If a man is confident with his body, he should not be bothered by the other men his wife/gf had sex with (assuming she’s STD/child free). He will hope she was treated well during those times and be happy he is with a women who currently shares his beliefs, values and morals. Because he loves her, he will focus on being the best possible man to her and excited he found an amazing woman to spend the rest of his life with.

If you were not confident and had security issues with yourself, why did you get married? That should have been addressed first and then think about marriage. It's all under personal responsibility. It is no different than having your finances in order before you get married.

On 11/4/2017 at 0:26 PM, Wyhunter said:

I explained that I would have difficulties marrying a non-waiter.

She waited with you right? So no problems :)

On 11/4/2017 at 0:26 PM, Wyhunter said:

I understand that rape is not a part of non-waiting. It was not her choice and I had my own problems with this in my early years.

The only thing a confident and loving man/women should feel when their partner tells them they are a rape victim is empathy, sadness, helplessness, a desire to help and et cetera. She’s the alleged victim who got raped, not you. How would you feel if she had problems with you, after you got raped? Despite the appalling fact she lied about this, your reaction and feelings to this are still extremely telling and important...As they might indicate you were not ready to get married. Can you explain what your problems were?

On 11/4/2017 at 0:26 PM, Wyhunter said:

Well I stayed and swallowed my pride and relearned to love her again even with my hurt trust.

You have every right to be mad because she lied to you, very disappointed that completely disrespected actual rape victims by using their pain, suffering and tragedy for her own agenda or frustrated that you waited and she did not. However, that should not have made you fall out of love with your wife. I find it hard to believe you actually loved her in the first place, if you could be so quick to not love her... It seems like you might have loved the idea of her virginity and not the actual woman you were dating.

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If she is sexually satisfied and happy with you, then why choose to let her previous partners bother you? This is when you should take some time to work on yourself by developing confidence (If that is the problem)…and learn to be secure with your body. If you continue to choose to let it bother you, then you’re the one making an already bad situation worse.

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