Dandy Lion

Never Met a Christian Man!

15 posts in this topic

I feel so alone.  I was raised in a Christian home and have always held the belief that I would wait until I was married to have sex.  Unfortunately, I have NEVER met a Christian man who shared this same belief.  I usually start dating a guy and then once I realize he does not share the same conviction as me, I end the relationship.  Sometimes I find myself avoiding the topic and dragging the relationship on until he starts pressuring me, then I end it.  I feel like if I didn't do it that way I would never go on dates or have relationships.  I think it sucks that I am doing what God is telling me to do: i.e. wait until marriage to have sex, but he has NEVER sent anyone who shares this same conviction my way.  I am getting old and 12 years of my dating life has gone by and I have not even met 1 man who shares this belief.  This is VERY FRUSTRATING!  Does anyone feel the same way?  I would like to reach out to women in my church for support, but half of hem have children out of wedlock or did not wait, so their advice wouldn't apply to me.  My mother waited, but she grew up in a different country and is older, she doesn't even talk to me about sex or relationships, she just gets mad whenever a man calls my phone (b/c of course she assumes he is going to tempt me).  Talking to her would be pointless.  I also see people on Youtube who are married and said they waited, but they are almost always NOT virgins, and/or they had sex at the beginning of the relationship and then decided to stop until the wedding date.  I then think to myself who in the world can I relate to, because that is not my story.  I am a virgin and do not want to have sex with my boyfriend or fiance.  I want to wait for marriage.  I feel like the other aspects of my life are in place, education, career, spirituality, health etc.  So I wonder why hasn't God put a Christian man in front of me.  Has anyone else had this same struggle? 

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I've met a couple Christian guys who are waiting/waited until marriage, but they're just friends (obvious incompatibilities prevented anything more).  I haven't gone to church much in the last few years, because it's hard to find a decent one (where it doesn't feel like just a dying social club)... I should try harder, though.

Anyway, at least guys are calling you - it sucks when they don't even put forth any effort!  I'm basically in the same boat.  Had to break up with my recent boyfriend because even though I was apparently one of only a few women he could see himself marrying and having a family with someday, his way of getting there involved me staying over, then maybe us moving in together, and then maybe if things were going well then get engaged.  I was like, no.  Either you value me and what I have to offer, or no.  I really don't have time for that ish, and even if I did I wouldn't put up with it!  Guy didn't even know what he wanted in a wife! I asked him, and he gave some reasonable responses, but then told me he hadn't even considered the question before I asked him.  How the hell can a person choose a mate if they don't know what they want in one???  No wonder so many go the "oh, we'll see and just have fun in the meantime" route.  They were clearly not asked this question EVER.  Parents, take heed - teach your children what to look for a in a mate so they don't end up screwing around and wasting time and being general disappointments like that guy!

Wish I could offer help.  A male friend of mine, much much older, has suggested I start running 5Ks to meet decent guys (he's a runner); there's no correlation between running and waiting, but in theory, the more guys I meet, the more guys who have their ish together and know what they want in life I'll meet?  I guess I'll increase my treadmill speed and see if it helps. 

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@Dandy Lion I can understand your frustration and I can relate to your situation when it seems the only thing you are missing is to have a man in your life! I agree it is rare these days to meet a Christian guy who is willing to wait; but I also believe it is still possible.

I will share my experience and hopefully it will help to you to keep strong: I am also waiting until marriage to have sex because as a strong believer I want to honor God in that aspect. My wish was to get married when I was 24....now I am 32, you can do the counting 8 years have passed and I am still here :) It is true that one day you feel down completely, wondering why God would let you pass through this hardship. But after feeling down, I always get up again believing in God, that He is faithful and He always rewards those who patiently/earnestly wait on Him (Heb 11:6). Sometimes I look back to see if I have done something wrong but I think I have tried my best (and still do) to meet new people and most importantly I have prayed and still do. I acknowledge that I am blessed to have a mother who encourages me. Sometimes I call her and tell her that it is difficult  and that I feel down, and she always tell me 'I know you will meet the right person and I am praying for you!' I know it is such a blessing to have a praying mum!

So I think the time to meet that right person is not ripe yet. We have to go through the waiting period and only God knows when it will end! I am always encouraged by this verse in Job 11:16 : "You will forget your misery; it will be like water flowing away". So once that man comes your way, you will forget that you ever hard to worry about meeting him.

So be encouraged, the struggle is real but the rewards will be far better. Keep praying, keep the faith we are all in this together! Like @Siftastic said...try new activities either sport or something else you like that could make you meet new people, visit new places, look where you haven't looked yet and most importantly keep the hope that you will meet him one day!

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I WAS a Christian...lol. I believe in waiting though. You'll find him one day.

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I feel the same way, my relationships usually end for other reasons (non sex related). So half of them never find out I'm a virgin.

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On 12/5/2017 at 3:51 AM, Revan said:

I WAS a Christian...lol. I believe in waiting though. You'll find him one day.

Past tense?  What happened, if I may ask?

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From the other side, I'm a Christian guy who is waiting till marriage and while I do sometimes find women who are also waiting, it's frustrating to find those who aren't. I remember at one point freaking out that I was the only person I knew who was waiting till marriage, and found that both friends and even my pastor at church didn't feel like it was something to do.

To be honest, this was one of the reasons that I decided to leave my church and switch denominations. I really found it too stressful to be at a church that was okay with premarital sex, not only due to my own religious convictions, but also because I just felt it was too isolating to not have anybody support me in my decision. I'm currently attending a Catholic Church, and of course they are very much supportive of waiting till marriage (or being celibate in the case of the priesthood).

There are Christian guys out there who, like you, are looking for a Christian woman who is waiting. It's a pain that you can't find each other. If he's not in the places you've already looked, maybe he's somewhere new. Of course, you'll need to be okay with searching there, and relying on God to guide you.

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On 2/10/2018 at 0:15 PM, Lovelyish said:

Past tense?  What happened, if I may ask?

Changed my viewpoint, @Lovelyish

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well, that is because in life you meet the wrong ones so that when you meet the right person, you will surely know without an iota of doubt 

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This is so sad! We do exist. Few and far between by the sounds of things :( 

On 2/11/2018 at 3:26 PM, Will H said:

even my pastor at church didn't feel like it was something to do

:blink: what has this world come to!

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On 3/8/2018 at 6:52 PM, 'tis the Bearded One said:
On 2/10/2018 at 10:26 PM, Will H said:

even my pastor at church didn't feel like waiting till marriage was something to do

:blink: what has this world come to!

From their perspective, the Bible doesn't outright condemn pre-marital sex (which usually boils down to what the exact meaning of the Greek word πορνεία (porneia), usually translated as "fornication"). There's also a pretty strong emotional component to their views too, with arguments like "if two people are in a committed, loving relationship with each other, is it really so bad that they're doing what married people in a committed, loving relationship are doing?" or "Does God care about their hearts or about a piece of paper from the county courthouse?". This particular pastor also didn't have a strong opinion of church tradition, feeling it was far too influenced by "patriarchal biases". I hear too a pretty common theme of not wanting to be a judgemental church telling people wanting to do, but instead wanting to be welcoming and forgiving to everyone, regardless of where they are.

It's sadly a more common viewpoint among pastors, especially young ones. You could be cynical and say that society and/or their political viewpoints are coloring their faith, or that they'd rather not have to be countercultural and tell people they can't have premarital sex.

Getting back on topic, there's plenty of Christians who disagree with all this and are pro-waiting till marriage. Heck, this site even has an article from a gay waiter-till-marriage who noted that meeting gay Christians who supported waiting till marriage was extremely helpful to him. We're out there, but we don't tend to advertise our presence, you know?

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4 hours ago, Will H said:

From their perspective, the Bible doesn't outright condemn pre-marital sex (which usually boils down to what the exact meaning of the Greek word πορνεία (porneia), usually translated as "fornication"). There's also a pretty strong emotional component to their views too, with arguments like "if two people are in a committed, loving relationship with each other, is it really so bad that they're doing what married people in a committed, loving relationship are doing?" or "Does God care about their hearts or about a piece of paper from the county courthouse?". This particular pastor also didn't have a strong opinion of church tradition, feeling it was far too influenced by "patriarchal biases". I hear too a pretty common theme of not wanting to be a judgemental church telling people wanting to do, but instead wanting to be welcoming and forgiving to everyone, regardless of where they are.

It's sadly a more common viewpoint among pastors, especially young ones. You could be cynical and say that society and/or their political viewpoints are coloring their faith, or that they'd rather not have to be countercultural and tell people they can't have premarital sex.

That is just post-modernist drivel. This kind of nonsense is a byproduct of the emerging church movement. They are more concerned with conforming with the times and not offending than teaching God's Word. It's the idea that truth is relative and is determined by personal feelings rather than sound doctrine. They might as well just throw the Bible out the window and just make up their own faith. God's truth doesn't care about our feelings. It's true whether we like it or not. 

Guys like this are not pastors, but rather entertainers. They just tell the audience what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. At that point, they might as well stop calling themselves a church.

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On 3/10/2018 at 5:31 PM, Invincible said:

They just tell the audience what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear.

On 3/10/2018 at 5:31 PM, Invincible said:

They are more concerned with conforming with the times and not offending than teaching God's Word.

There does seem to be a theme of not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings because doing so would be an 'unchristian' thing to do, yet Jesus let the young rich man go away sad and grieving over the truth about his wealth. ["And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for he had great possessions." Mark 10:22 (KJV)] Jesus didn't refrain from telling the young ruler what he needed to hear just because it would disappoint him. I would think it best for the Church to handle similar situations by imitating Christ.

On 3/10/2018 at 11:25 AM, Will H said:

I hear too a pretty common theme of not wanting to be a judgemental church telling people wanting to do, but instead wanting to be welcoming and forgiving to everyone, regardless of where they are.

I think this is also common and potentially comes from emphasizing mercy over, or even in the absence of, truth, which are supposed to be met together. ["Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other." Psalm 85:10 (KJV)] Perhaps they confuse forgiveness and not being judgmental with other concepts like agreement and permissiveness.

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On 3/11/2018 at 3:25 AM, Will H said:

There's also a pretty strong emotional component to their views too, with arguments like "if two people are in a committed, loving relationship with each other, is it really so bad that they're doing what married people in a committed, loving relationship are doing?"

Regardless of what they are feeling, they aren't though...That's the kicker. No covenant has been entered into. Before marriage there is no commitment apart from (likely) dating exclusively - even an engagement can be broken off without "any" repercussions/obligations except potentially the return of the engagement ring (apart from pains of relationship breakdown etc). If they consider themselves married/as committed as a married couple then what precisely is stopping them from actually getting married? If they can name anything then it shows they aren't as committed....

On 3/11/2018 at 3:25 AM, Will H said:

"Does God care about their hearts or about a piece of paper from the county courthouse?"

If you asked these individuals whether they would consider themselves divorced if their "committed" relationship broke up and would hold themselves to the Biblical moral dictates regarding conditions of re-marriage I doubt any would say "yes" PARTICULARLY post-"breakup"! As far as forming a legally stamped marital union, while I do put some weight on it - if only because it sets more protective restraints/foundations about the relationship hence making people probably think harder if they really want to make that commitment, I do not consider the state's sanction necessary (as much as a state divorce does mean (according to the Biblical standard) that both parties are free to remarry. However, if the couple believes themselves married before God then they should also submit themselves to the consequences of that Biblical framework - ie brake up vs separation/divorce etc. 

Not to mention: "If you love me, keep my commandments" John 14:15; "And this is love, that we walk after his commandments" 2 John 1:6. Hmmmm 

On 3/11/2018 at 3:25 AM, Will H said:

I hear too a pretty common theme of not wanting to be a judgemental church telling people wanting to do, but instead wanting to be welcoming and forgiving to everyone, regardless of where they are.

19 hours ago, redgrapes said:

Perhaps they confuse forgiveness and not being judgmental with other concepts like agreement and permissiveness.

To me people use the word "judgmental" incorrectly when used in this context. There is nothing wrong with judgement or judgmental - without it there would be no right and no wrong, no rewards and no censure, no praise and no correction. When people use this term they should be using "condemning" instead. 

 

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This thread also is kinda old and the viewpoint(s), thoughts and ideas of the contributors have already been stated, however there were a couple things stated above that should be corrected:

 

First:

On 3/10/2018 at 8:25 AM, Will H said:

From their perspective, the Bible doesn't outright condemn pre-marital sex (which usually boils down to what the exact meaning of the Greek word πορνεία (porneia), usually translated as "fornication").

This is coming straight from the Bible not my words but 'His'

Hebrews 13:4

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;

1 Corinthians 6:18-20

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

 

This is just a sampling of the words God has to say about sex and doing son unmarried.

 

I totally agree with Vince on this though and it's such a sad sight to see to be honest. To sell 'The Word' short and water down the message just to accept the sins of the community. This is the by=product as I've said in previous posts on these forums of the church becoming a "for-profit" business.

On 3/10/2018 at 2:31 PM, Invincible said:

That is just post-modernist drivel. This kind of nonsense is a byproduct of the emerging church movement. They are more concerned with conforming with the times and not offending than teaching God's Word. It's the idea that truth is relative and is determined by personal feelings rather than sound doctrine. They might as well just throw the Bible out the window and just make up their own faith. God's truth doesn't care about our feelings. It's true whether we like it or not. 

Guys like this are not pastors, but rather entertainers. They just tell the audience what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. At that point, they might as well stop calling themselves a church.

 

Which you'll ask the question where or how does the church the become for-profit???

It became for-profit when the Pastoral team and the church staff depend upon the "feel good" non-offensive message to draw their paychecks and their obtain their livelihood. However we're and yes I just said "WE" as I'm a hardcore Jesus Follower who attends church every weekend, and works on several ministry teams in addition to my "day job". However it is such terrible sight to see in the post modern church in which we live, where as even @Will H shared that the Pastor was okay with sex outside of the marital bed (Or Countertop, or Sofa or there's gotta be a reason why they call it the "Loveseat")

 

However I digress:

 

 

I go ahead and chime in on the original topic from @Dandy Lion

On 11/4/2017 at 8:39 AM, Dandy Lion said:

I feel so alone.  I was raised in a Christian home and have always held the belief that I would wait until I was married to have sex. 

As well as what @Hope7

On 11/10/2017 at 4:20 PM, Hope7 said:

I can understand your frustration and I can relate to your situation when it seems the only thing you are missing is to have a man in your life! I agree it is rare these days to meet a Christian guy who is willing to wait; but I also believe it is still possible.

There are lots of decent Christian guys out there though maybe we're often not the strikingly handsome guys with the 6-figure income, 6-figure pickup truck and 6-bedroom home overlooking the seashore but then as Christian folks we should be very wary of all those 6's anyhow, Lol!

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