Yin-Yang

Complicated Situation

8 posts in this topic

I've been talking with a boy for some time now. We aren't in a defined relationship, but we may as well be. 

I'm a virgin waiter. He's a non virgin waiter. And it hurts. 

Sometimes this pain gets out of hand. I have panick attacks, I feel alone, I become emotionally distant from him. Obviously I can't always discuss my depression about this with him. I have already, but it's something that at some point you have to stop talking about or it just becomes hurtful to him. He doesn't say so, but I know. So I pretend like nothings wrong, but there seriously is.

I don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to leave. I'm the sort of person who only has enough social contacts as necessary to not go insane. One. I'm a recluse with no friends but him. Part of me also very much does like him, genuinely, even if the other part feels disdain, and beyond emotional connection. But sometimes I doubt if I could take this relationship any further with him, because of my secret depression about this, depression that has many times caused me to think of suicide. I feel like I am probably just wasting his time, either because eventually I will have to end the relationship, or we would get married and someday my secret depression would get the better of me and I would kill myself, leaving him alone and confused.

I don't think anyone will be able to help me. I hate people anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hey Yin-Yang,

First off, I think the most important thing to do before anything else is to seek professional help for your depression and suicidal thoughts. There are people who genuinely want to help you and there is no shame in asking for help. I resisted counseling for a long time for certain issues I had, but when I finally came around, I wondered why I didn't do it sooner. Seeking help is a sign of strength because you acknowledge that you have an issue and want to correct it. 

I completely understand why you would feel devastated about this guy's sexual history. I would be too if I was in your shoes. I'm sure you like him a lot and vice versa. That must make it a huge dilemma over whether you should end things or not. But I think for the time being, it is best to take a step back and address your depression first. It is possible that your depression is making it difficult for you to discern what is the right course of action for the both of you. You should never be with someone out of fear of being alone. That will only cause a lot more problems in the future. Everyone should be with someone who accepts the good and bad about them without any resentment. Once you are in a place where you feel like your depression isn't hindering you from making a well balanced decision, then you can decide whether his past is something you can truly be okay with or not. It's not wrong if you can't deal with it.

I wish you the best and don't be afraid to reach out for help.

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3 minutes ago, Invincible said:

Hey Yin-Yang,

First off, I think the most important thing to do before anything else is to seek professional help for your depression and suicidal thoughts. There are people who genuinely want to help you and there is no shame in asking for help. I resisted counseling for a long time for certain issues I had, but when I finally came around, I wondered why I didn't do it sooner. Seeking help is a sign of strength because you acknowledge that you have an issue and want to correct it. 

I completely understand why you would feel devastated about this guy's sexual history. I would be too if I was in your shoes. I'm sure you like him a lot and vice versa. That must make it a huge dilemma over whether you should end things or not. But I think for the time being, it is best to take a step back and address your depression first. It is possible that your depression is making it difficult for you to discern what is the right course of action for the both of you. You should never be with someone out of fear of being alone. That will only cause a lot more problems in the future. Everyone should be with someone who accepts the good and bad about them without any resentment. Once you are in a place where you feel like your depression isn't hindering you from making a well balanced decision, then you can decide whether his past is something you can truly be okay with or not. It's not wrong if you can't deal with it.

I wish you the best and don't be afraid to reach out for help.

I have already been assessed. I take medication and go to therapy. It's been like this for some time now. I am in a place where I am the best I can be. Trust me, I give the same advice to other people. I am not shy about help. I want to do what I can to not be suicidal. Unfortunately despite all of this, despite the fact that I am mentally stable and calm, and that I even go to school, have a job, and have a friend, and that I am by all accounts normal and healthy, I still think about death every day. I just feel lost here.

Thanks very much anyway 

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4 hours ago, Invincible said:

Seeking help is a sign of strength because you acknowledge that you have an issue and want to correct it. 

Couldn't have said it better myself. It's good to hear you ( @Yin-Yang) are undertaking professional help and aren't ashamed to do so. So many people are and it's terrible. From reading your post it sounds like you are attributing your depression to this guy's sexual past. Are you sure there isn't a more foundational cause? It also sounds like you believe you cannot improve on your current state but are still having daily thoughts of death. Have you informed your therapist of this? It sounds like you really do want your situation to change but are frustrated at it not doing so. That is tough.

Your social isolation is worrying. Do you want more than one friend? Do you have pets? Some people are reclusive but it doesn't sound like it is something you're enjoying. 

I also feel like maybe you have this concept that only "crazy" people think of death and suicide or that people who think of death/suicide are visibly messed up/chaotic/dysfunctional? You may be surprised at how "normal" people can be/appear who have suicidal thoughts. I spoke with a man who had quite a rational approach to selection of his method of suicide yet he also recognised that he wasn't thinking clearly as a whole but that didn't stop him from making suicide plans. It can seem quite contradictory and a lot of that happens in mental health contexts. On the extreme end people with psychotic disorders can build a bizarre contradictory self-awareness during psychotic episodes: both knowing that whatever they are seeing/fearing/hearing isn't real yet still believing it. 

I'd also turn a thought to what kind of therapy you are receiving. When it comes to depression there can be many influencing factors from genetic, dietary, heavy metals, cognitive etc and relatively small things that some therapist may not consider that could be helpful to you. I once undertook the Nedley Depression & Anxiety Recovery program and thought it quite thorough. You might like to check out their website: http://depressionthewayout.com. In Australia it is run by some churches for the community.

I wish you all the best and PM me if you like ^_^

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1 hour ago, 'tis the Bearded One said:

Your social isolation is worrying. Do you want more than one friend? Do you have pets? Some people are reclusive but it doesn't sound like it is something you're enjoying. 

I do enjoy being alone. I really do. I dislike people a lot. That's why I have as few contacts as possible. I only like to socialize as much as necessary to not go insane. Its just that that sometimes leads to the problem of me not letting someone go because that means I have to go socialize with new people again which is always a nightmare. Or that I won't have the energy to and I will just isolate myself and rot in my head until I go mad and do something stupid.

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Also I should clarify, I am definitely not attributing my suicidal ideation to his past. It's not like he did anything to me. It's more like, the conflict of staying and being unhappy vs leaving and being unhappy that I don't want to deal with, becomes overwhelming, causes me to think of other issues causing me to be depressed and suicidal, THAT is what starts the spiral. It's not his pasts fault, but I just recognize that it starts this whirlwind and I don't know how to remove myself from it.

Hopefully that makes more sense. I can see how I left my original post unclear

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Going out and meeting people can be a pain, but I feel a lot better when I have been doing it, even if most of the people aren't those I'd want to be friends with.  What helps me most is to join a group that's working toward a goal, usually a goal of improving at a skill.  You don't have to be friends or hang out with these people outside of meetings/class if you don't want to, but it feels really good to meet people who are invested in your personal growth, and to become invested in theirs.  And it may be that you end up liking some of the people enough to ask least go for food afterward and chat about life.  I've found that having common goals and supporting each other in meeting them creates a stronger foundation for friendship (if you want it) than just going out.  Find a group with a positive, supportive atmosphere that's working on something you find interesting - and stick with it (although that means if the group isn't for you, recognize it and try another)!!  Ultimately, when you get to working on long-term improvement with a bunch of nice, supportive people, despite whatever differences you may have, you will likely feel a LOT less like dying.  Trust me. :)  Keep up going to your therapist, talk with him/her about any changes in your moods or frequency of suicidal thoughts, but definitely also combat your social isolation in a way that's manageable for you (and this may a manageable way for you).

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