DHZ

Did I screw up with this girl?

15 posts in this topic

Okay, so I went to game night where we playing games. We had a good time, it seemed like I was getting along with this one girl, so at the end I tried to get a hug. She only gave me a half hug, and she didn't seem like she was even into that. Since she didn't seem like she was into it, so I just accepted the half hug and didn't try to push things further. Am I screwed?

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Well, you're probably not going to have a relationship with that girl. But, that's OK. It was good that you didn't push it forward because then she would have been even more uncomfortable.  If she's not into you then why would you want to date her anyways?

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No, I was confused by your definition of screw up/screwed. I don't think that you did screw up. But I also don't think the girl likes you. But she could have been in a weird mood I don't know. I wouldn't give up, but I wouldn't try to pursue her aggressively either.

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Some people just aren't touchy feely or like hugs. I love hugs from friends and family regardless so unless I really didn't like someone (and if I'm playing games at someone's house, I clearly see them as a friend to a certain extent) I'd be cool with a hug. 

However in this case, it's either the girl doesn't like you yet or she doesn't like hugging people she's not in intimate relationships with. It doesn't mean that you've screwed up since that's pretty flimsy. However trying to read too much into one situation isn't wise either. 

I agree with @seabutterfly, not to give up but not to be too aggressive in pursuing her unless she gives you signals herself or you clarify by asking her explicitly and accepting that answer whether positive or negative. 

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Actually, after thinking about it a bit. You guys are probably right, I was overthinking things again. Though there was one time put my arm around a girl I thought I was friends with, and she sorta freaked out and didn't want be near me for long time. Though in that case, I've known her for a while, but really was just my cousin's friend and not mine I guess.

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I don't think you are screwed. Some women just don't feel comfortable giving a hug after first meeting someone. It takes time to get to know someone, be comfortable with her, before a hug happens. If you do meet this woman again, maybe talk with her and get to know her first before you decide to pursue things further. Being friends first is not always a bad thing. Just my two cents.

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 So yeah, I saw her again at church. I asked her if she wanted to sit next to me during church she said yeah, then as we where sitting down. I sat down and she sat down 1 chair away from me. So it was me, an empty chair, then her. We had some small groups, but it was pretty much separated by guy's and girls. And of course after church she left before I got a chance to talk to here again.

I really don't think I'm ever going to find someone...

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Hey good job on putting yourself out there and keep on trying!

Now I'm no expert in women so take this with a grain of salt....or whatever that saying is...

First, you have to know when a girl is just being friendly and when she is interested in you. If a girl likes a guy, generally she will let him know through her body language, how she looks at him when she is talking to him, making time for just the two of them to socialize together or through her conversation.

One of the best ways to tell if a women is interested, is by the conversation she has with you...Usually, (not always) if a girl is asking you personal or substantive questions, pay attention...this can be their way of probing you for information. Also, they will be excited to talk to you. Let's say after a few weeks of getting to know a girl, she starts asking you about the types of girls you're into, she's probably hoping you will describe her lol...or if she starts asking you about your views on dating, deal breakers/preferences, marriage, divorce etc....I'd say she might have an interest. 

If you're not sure, then watch how she interacts with other people. If you can't tell any differences, then it's possible she might just be a friendly gal...If she is super shy and you can't tell, you could always ask one of her girlfriends if she's dating anyone... (if you know one of them well enough)... and you can be 100% guaranteed they will tell her you asked.

Lastly, you might want to make a new thread asking the lovely ladies on this site...something like how to tell when a girl is just being friendly or if she's interested in a guy...they will clearly give you a better answer me lol...and I am sure there are guys on here that have great insight to the question. 

Never stop trying to find a wife. You will regret it later in life but you will not regret trying your best.

Good luck on the hunt!

On 9/16/2017 at 10:07 PM, seabutterfly said:

 If she's not into you then why would you want to date her anyways?

This is so true!

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@StarGate SG1 you gave great advice I'd just be wary of looking at finding someone you love as a "hunt." In my opinion, there is no way that way of thinking can end in a healthy, loving relationship. Now I know you were just joking and everything, and didn't mean anything by it. However, be cautious of viewing women as a reward you can hunt down.

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So here’s my take on the situation from my perspective. If I personally feel interested in a guy, I purposely keep my distance so I can read the situation. I know from your perspective it may not be going how you hoped to, but remember she’s also trying to make sense of the situation. She too may be replaying the situation in her head as well. In order to assess the situation, she may be playing hard to get (half hug) to see how she should react, and based on your actions, this will tell her if you are in fact interested in her, pursuing her. In the initial scenario when you didn’t push things further, that’s okay! You may have been caught off guard with what happened, and your mind played its best judgment, so don’t blame anything you did because you reacted to what you believed was fitting. And I don’t believe you screwed up anything. Attempting a hug in the first place was a great step on your behalf, which shows that you are not only interested in her as a person, but you also took that time to pursue her… like in a physical and psychological sense, a hug shows you care for a person, like leaving a small imprint on another because of how they make you feel. I know this is only the start of something, and what I said sounds a little far reached, but there’s definitely a reason for everything, even the most miniscule actions, such as a hug, that not everyone thinks about. As someone said previously, yeah, some folks are just not the touchy feely kind of person. As much as I loveee hugs from family and close friends, when it comes to people I just met, hugs are off-putting. It’s like you have to graduate to a hug, ya know? But hey, you gotta start from somewhere. It may be something instinctual, that a hug from a stranger invades their space, not fully knowing someone’s intentions. So maybe with more encounters with her, she may be more open to you. Remember to also think from her perspective. She may have a boyfriend that she doesn’t talk about and wants to respect him when he’s not around, or maybe she’s trying to pursue someone else, but you came into the picture. Sorry, I too overthink everything, but I like knowing the possibilities so I can prepare myself. And as someone else said before, why date someone who shows no interest? Don’t waste your time on someone who can’t reflect the same amount of effort and affection you give. Now, I’m not saying don’t stop trying if you really believe she is someone you want to date, but there’s an instinct after a certain amount of time (and it’s different for everyone) where you just know that it’s time to move on. And at that point, its their loss! As for the secondary situation with the buffer seat at church, that might just be her personal preference. It’s church so she most likely wanted to concentrate on her time with God, without any distractions from a guy, ya know! Or she might be reserved with PDA type of things and want to hide sitting next to a guy to protect her from unwarranted conversations with her family on the way home.

My personal preference with relationships is to start with friendship first, because that sets the foundation for a flourishing relationship. If you just jump straight into a dating relationship because you are attracted physically, you can easily lose sight on the bigger picture with getting to know the real person (and the personality). Moreover, if you get to know the personality first, you can really see if pursuing her more than a friendship is actually worth your time. However, if you realllly want to just jump on it, just ask her on a coffee date. That’s really not harmful at all, but I know that’s easier said than done on your behalf, to build up courage and to not have any rejection. But hey, if she rejects your offer, than you know she’s not worth the effort and you can go on doing what you do, so you don’t have to dwell on the situation whether you “screwed up” or not. I’m not sure what things attract you and if what attracts you to this girl is gaming (a common interest of yours), but maybe you might be interested in a partner who has opposite interests than you. So don’t invest your time in this one person. You’ll never know your preference if you don’t try. One of my fave quotes is “Never date someone in your head before you actually date them.” That’s definitely a recipe for failure. You may believe that someone is perfect in your head, but in reality, not what you expected.

As for you saying “I really don’t think I’m ever going to find someone…”, that’s a whole other reply on its own from me, lol. [SIDE NOTE] I personally thought the same thing for me, never being in a relationship, blah blah. I used to dream about growing up, getting married, then having children, and I would dream about me and my future husband teaching our children about God and showing them how much love God has for us. But growing up, that idea seems too distant and maybe unobtainable, for my track record for dating and anyone finding interest in me is nonexistent. I’m not saying I’ve given up, but I put this in God’s hands, and I will be obedient to His plans for me. Some folks are meant for marriage, some meant for serving others. I know if it’s meant to happen for me, then it will happen. But after months of contemplating my situation, I have happily come to terms if I’m not planned for marriage. I’ve had many episodes of enlightenment, in which I know I can serve others (rather than just one man, my husband—again, if I do get married). Now, I can’t say what God’s plan is for you, but just be happy in the moment. Be hopeful. And if a relationship is what you really crave, pray about it. God can’t answer prayers if no one prays to Him, ya know. [END SIDE NOTE]

You are the only one who can fully understand the situation, so based on what you feel, follow through with that gut feeling. And as a boost of hope, always remember, Jim Halpert was once friendzoned! :) (I hope some people get the Office reference, or else I’m just gonna leave lol). Good luck and cheers, mate!

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@seabutterfly The term I was essentially referencing was “husband hunting”. I often heard the single women in my old church use it in a jocular context. It simply means a woman who is actively looking for a husband. It does not mean they are actually viewing a person as a reward to hunt down. However, if you knew I was joking (probably because I referred to the women on this site as lovely), then you had no basis to go out of your way to suggest I might actually objectify a woman in the manner you stated. When I am trying to be uplifting and helpful to someone who appears to be down, you don’t need to search for something so negative.

@ChildOfTheOneTrueKing

I agree with a lot of the things you mentioned, well said. There is a difference between a girl playing hard to get and her not being interested in a guy. Can you explain the things a woman does when she is playing hard to get verses her not being interested? A clearer understanding of this might help DHZ when he is considering if he should pursue a potential interest.

Sometimes if a girl is playing hard to get, it can come across as not having an interest. If that happens, the guy might move on to a girl who is interested in him. It is important for us guys to properly read a women’s responses or else we might come across as pushy, not respectful or creepy, when in fact we simply misread the situation.

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15 hours ago, StarGate SG1 said:

@seabutterfly The term I was essentially referencing was “husband hunting”. I often heard the single women in my old church use it in a jocular context. It simply means a woman who is actively looking for a husband. It does not mean they are actually viewing a person as a reward to hunt down. However, if you knew I was joking (probably because I referred to the women on this site as lovely), then you had no basis to go out of your way to suggest I might actually objectify a woman in the manner you stated. When I am trying to be uplifting and helpful to someone who appears to be down, you don’t need to search for something so negative.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings @StarGate SG1. I don't believe anybody should be objectified, women or men. Although I knew you meant no harm in it, I wanted to make sure that anybody viewing this thread understood that you shouldn't hunt people. And yes, your post was helpful, but I think it is important to discuss points that can be seen as negative. I wish you the best and hope that you weren't too harmed by my words.

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4 hours ago, StarGate SG1 said:

When I am trying to be uplifting and helpful to someone who appears to be down, you don’t need to search for something so negative.

Also if you looked at my wording, I was not accusing you of anything, or trying to shine a bad light on you. I truly do not believe I was searching for something negative, as I read your response many times and just simply felt uncomfortable with the context you used it in. However, I'm obviously biased, so feel free to disagree with me.

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On 9/30/2017 at 9:49 PM, seabutterfly said:

I was not accusing you of anything, or trying to shine a bad light on you.

On 9/30/2017 at 9:14 AM, seabutterfly said:

I'd just be wary of looking at finding someone you love as a "hunt." In my opinion, there is no way that way of thinking can end in a healthy, loving relationship. Now I know you were just joking and everything, and didn't mean anything by it. However, be cautious of viewing women as a reward you can hunt down.

You did not hurt my feelings. You knew full well I am not the type of person who would view the women he loves in this manner…However, you continued to take the term I was referencing way out of context and you suggested I might actually treat her this way. That’s just as bad as accusing me. Your comment was completely uncalled for, inappropriate and disrespectful.  

Your comment would have been appropriate if I told you that’s how I actually view women.

On 9/30/2017 at 9:44 PM, seabutterfly said:

Although I knew you meant no harm in it, I wanted to make sure that anybody viewing this thread understood that you shouldn't hunt people.

The people viewing this thread don’t lack so much morality that they need to be told hunting people (In your context, not mine) is wrong. They already know this. (Even Dexter knew that….lol jk)

Anyway, as to not detract from the original purpose of this thread, I’d suggest you pm me any further comments regarding this topic.   

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