Will H

Feeling insecure about my decision to wait not being "normal"

4 posts in this topic

I feel pretty confident in my decision to wait until marriage for sex, but I have realized that I feel really insecure when confronted with the fact that it's not "normal", by which I mean that it is a minority opinion. 

What's strange to me is that I am against the norm on a number of things. For instance, it doesn't bother me much when I find myself against the norm on a political or ideological belief. But for some reason, going against the norm on waiting until marriage bothers me. The other day I'd read something on how few people, even among religious circles, were waiting until marriage and I started freaking out and had to take a walk to calm down. 

To be clear, I don't think plan to go have sex just to "fit in" (and I doubt that would really solve anything). That's why I say I'm confident in my decision to wait; I honestly can't see that changing.

But I don't know why I get so bothered by this not being "normal" or how I can deal with it. What does that say about me that this is where I am?

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I get where you're coming from. Maybe not for the same reasons but I have felt a sense of "panic," for a lack of a better word, when encountered by certain people. I think it's normal to second-guess yourself occasionally when holding an unpopular view because you begin to question if you're just fooling yourself holding on to a fringe opinion.

I think for me, I get insecure when people accuse me of being unable to attract women and I'm just using WTM as a false crutch to hide that fact. That really scared me because I never been in a relationship before. There is a difference between people who wait purely by choice who could otherwise get sex if they wanted to, and those who can't get sex or attention from the opposite sex because of issues like social awkwardness or the like. I was afraid that I fell under the latter and if I opened myself to a non-waiting lifestyle, I feared I wouldn't be able to have any success anyways because of some personality problem within me. I don't know if that even makes sense to you, but just thought maybe that could be a reason for you too.

But maybe you're afraid because of the realization that your chances of finding a compatible girl who is waiting is much slimmer than you originally thought. I know that you are a Christian and you most likely want to marry a Christian girl who is also waiting. I would be discouraged to hear that waiting is even a rarity within the church, because that is the truth unfortunately. It is sad that even within the church, most people have given into the pressures of society or don't even believe sex is a big deal. So maybe you were just really discouraged by that and that fanned your fear of never finding the right one.

I don't think there is anything wrong to feel this way at times. But I think all of us knew from the very beginning that WTM and finding someone who views the same would be an uphill battle. I'm not sure what I can say to help alleviate the fear except to say there maybe more waiters out there than you think and you always have community of waiters here to support you. Also, it is helpful to be open to long distance relationships because if waiters are rare, it may be helpful to expand your search to outside of your area of residence.

The important thing to remember is try not to let the opinions of sheep get you down.

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It is strange that you would be bothered about the normalcy of that specific decision but with anything else you don't care about holding to the "normal" standard. If I had to guess, perhaps it's the massive risk that comes with WTM. Such a risk deters the majority of people from doing it, and as such, it's considered an abnormal thing to do. In this case, practicality is associated with normalcy, and maybe this is why it's bugging you. You are inviting the potential for grievous consequences onto yourself for deciding to wait, the biggest one being the possibility of never finding someone. It's also hard to accurately read the true intentions of a person who decides to wait, so you might not know what they will actually have in store for you should you find someone to marry. People wait for a lot of reasons, but not all of them are honest. It can feel like a total gamble, and because there are so few people waiting, you are playing against the odds. You add in your own preferences/dealbreakers, and the odds get that much slimmer.

All things considered, deciding to wait might seem like an "illogical" thing to do. Since most people don't wait, you might assume that makes them "logical". Now the issue ceases to be about fitting in with everybody else and becomes all about questioning your own intelligence. I think this is what's bothering you, but I could be way off and I apologize if I am. If it is bothering you, I will just say that non-waiters have their own slew of issues and consequences to deal with on their own, and a lot of the risks that come with marriage in general apply to both waiters and non-waiters. Regardless of their choices, nobody is guaranteed a happy marriage. We each merely have our own approach to setting the foundation for one. Heck, many people will even say that marriage itself is illogical, but clearly that's not an opinion that any of us entertain. Waiting is what you believe in, and that's all that matters.

You do seem committed to your decision, and that is great. I think the stress of waiting is alleviated to a degree if you are a person of faith, but otherwise you will just have to hold on to hope. You know why you're waiting, and you've being doing it for this long already. You don't need to justify yourself to any detractor. I'm sure you already know how to ignore the people who criticize you or look down on you for your decision. There is also a certain empowerment that comes with waiting that you need to find within yourself. It will make everything so much easier. But keep sticking to your guns. Waiting is never supposed to be easy, and many go through what you're going through. You've also got everybody here to talk with at any time.

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Thanks to both of you for your responses.

On 8/28/2017 at 3:08 PM, Invincible said:

I think for me, I get insecure when people accuse me of being unable to attract women and I'm just using WTM as a false crutch to hide that fact. That really scared me because I never been in a relationship before. 

That could be an element. I haven't dated a lot, and I've been fortunate enough to know in relationships that have been kind of serious that the other person was waiting too, so that was comforting. I'm sure that being a person of faith helped a lot with it. Honestly, I don't know how I would react if I fell for someone who wasn't a waiter because it's never happened yet (or rather, it's never gotten to the point where I'd have to consider if it was a dealbreaker in a relationship). I'd like to think that I'd be able to thoughtfully consider it, but perhaps there is an element of fear to it. And yeah, maybe there is a fear that even though I've dated people who are waiters, there aren't any more out there or that I'll never find them.

On 8/28/2017 at 6:37 PM, Adam said:

All things considered, deciding to wait might seem like an "illogical" thing to do. Since most people don't wait, you might assume that makes them "logical". Now the issue ceases to be about fitting in with everybody else and becomes all about questioning your own intelligence. I think this is what's bothering you, but I could be way off and I apologize if I am.

That may be part of it. I guess growing up in a democratic society where majority vote is seen as a good thing, it can be tough sometimes to feel part of the minority on something I feel is important. There is an element of social isolation too, I suppose, which makes it more feelings-based and less "logical".

It's possible that part of it is that I take it as a judgement against my morals. It occurred to me that I sometimes feel a similar reaction when someone derogatively says I'm a "prude". My morals and values are pretty important to me, so maybe that's why I'm bothered by it?

 

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