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Guest markb4

Spouse vs. Friends

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Hey all,

2 questions:

1) Would you cut ties with/stop talking with a friend of yours if your spouse doesn't approve him/her?

2) Assuming you're heterosexual (which I think we all are here), would you stop hanging out with your friends of the opposite sex once you get married?

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Good questions Mark!!

1) I don't think so...although I don't know I'd have to be in that position...like Naturally said, I would be more concerned with why she didn't like the person and what the cause of it was, etc.

2) Well most of my friends are guys so I doubt I'd ever have this problem but I would say as far as one on one goes it probably isn't the best idea but again like Naturally said, theres no reason we all couldn't be friends.

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I'm with all of you on this. If you start making sacrifices at the beginning of your marriage in response to the insecurities of your spouse it is only going to get worse from there. My parents are always saying you should marry somebody who complements rather than completes you. If you aren't a complete person on your own you have no business getting married. I think it would also cause a lot of resentment down the road.

1) I would only do that if there was a very good reason, otherwise no.

2) I think that would be asking a lot. One of my best friends is a guy, and we've known each other for almost 6 years. I expect to be friends with him for a long time, and I think it would be absurd to cut that off just because I got married.

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Hi Mark... perhaps the small miracle of matching yourself up with someone is that you share friendships and you share your views of people. I have never given up a friend because of my wife... but I have had friends that she does not per se want to spend time with (and me the same of some of her friends - without remorse and without difficulty)...

and as for friends of the opposite sex - yes - i absolutely still have them (I just had lunch the other day with one!) - these are truly friends of mine who are women, but not people I have had some phsycial attraction to in a love/sex way... just good friends. My wife has the same with guy friends. There is trust of course... but there is the reality that these are people that matter to us individually and that's fine with both of us. I can understand that not being the case with everyone - but it has been perfectly fine and healthy for us the whole time we've been married. :-)

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Hey all,

2 questions:

1) Would you cut ties with/stop talking with a friend of yours if your spouse doesn't approve him/her?

2) Assuming you're heterosexual (which I think we all are here), would you stop hanging out with your friends of the opposite sex once you get married?

1. Absolutely not. Unless my husband had a very good reason for why he would want me to stop being friends with one of my friends, I would never end a friendship. But all of my friends are kind, well-behaved people.

2. I have absolutely no guy friends. lol. All girls. The few guys I do know are more like cousins because we have known each other since birth but we are not so much friends. Our parents are friends.

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1. Yes. The husband is to cleave to his wife. Husband and wife become one flesh. There would/should be no one I would rather spend time with than my wife. It would be ideal if my friends become mutual friends. One of the BIGGEST reasons for hardship in a marriage is that they stop courting each other. They spend less and less quality time with each other. When you throw kids into the mix it becomes even harder to spend that time alone with each other. Time together is necessary to building a strong marriage. Resentment builds when one or the other goes out with friends while the other is stuck watching the kids or cleaning your house. If I have time enough to go hang out with friends male or female, that time belongs to my wife.

It has nothing to do with weather or not my wife dislikes my friends it is a choice I make to give her what she deserves. I leave you with one question. If the one thing your spouse desperately needs (whether she/he has told you or not), is your time, and you are off with the guys/gals; Are you not giving something to others that belongs to your wife/husband? In a way are you not cheating on them?

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I like your question ComputerFox. I take a guys night out only infrequently, and I see an occasional female friend or two maybe for a workday lunch again infrequently... just like you said, daily life gets in the way so much that we are very protective of "us time" in the evenings, and the weekends...

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Mark you are just so awesome at coming up with questions! I love your questions!!! yay!!!!!!

Anywho, honestly I would if he felt it was disrespectful. Why? Well, mainly because cheating can occur so easily that I'd want to minimize that possibilty as much as possible. Like, take for example, I have a best friend who is a guy and when I was dating my ex this became a problem because he was still friends with is ex gf and they fooled around and even do more now that he's a free man. His rationale for spending the night with his ex was or her staying the night at his place was "Well, you have best friend for a guy so what's the big deal??" Although, my best friend did want to date me I never saw him that way so I thought it didn't count. At the time, Now I make sure I mostly have girls for friends and hardly talk to my best guy friend anymore so it won't be hard for me to stop talking to him. I was pretty naive about stuff like that but I've become more aware of how easily stuff can happen between the opposite sex especially once my husband and I become physically active and I know what it's like.

This is just advice my sisters have given me to be aware of as far as male/female relationships.

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1. Yes. The husband is to cleave to his wife. Husband and wife become one flesh. There would/should be no one I would rather spend time with than my wife. It would be ideal if my friends become mutual friends. One of the BIGGEST reasons for hardship in a marriage is that they stop courting each other. They spend less and less quality time with each other. When you throw kids into the mix it becomes even harder to spend that time alone with each other. Time together is necessary to building a strong marriage. Resentment builds when one or the other goes out with friends while the other is stuck watching the kids or cleaning your house. If I have time enough to go hang out with friends male or female, that time belongs to my wife.

It has nothing to do with weather or not my wife dislikes my friends it is a choice I make to give her what she deserves. I leave you with one question. If the one thing your spouse desperately needs (whether she/he has told you or not), is your time, and you are off with the guys/gals; Are you not giving something to others that belongs to your wife/husband? In a way are you not cheating on them?

:) I concur.

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Depends on the scenario I guess, if she really does not like a friend of mine - there's going to be a reason for it, and I'd probably respect her wishes.

I don't think thats very likely in my case though, when I think of scenarios where a wife would have problems with friends : strip clubs, bars, illegal activities - well I don't take part in things like that anyways.

I think the ideal scenario would include a mutual friend group - but I also think that time apart can be important as well.

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What a freak deal, my ex fiancee and I had this problem. The argument started in flames and ended us in ashes.

Jason's best friend, Joey, was a friend and co worker to me at one time and he was how we met. As time went by, Joey started having, what I call, control issues. He'd invite Jason over and intentionally exclude me while Joey could have his girlfriend over. Joey 's ways started getting worse after he girlfriend, of nearly five years, had dumped him and left his heart shattered because he was going to propose to her within that year. He became more obsessed with my, then, boyfriend. I felt that maybe I was being a bit selfish and maybe jealous, so I got over myself and took a step back.

About a year ago, in May of 2011, was when Jason proposed to me. Joey had found himself a new girlfriend that he had been with for a couple of months or so named Anna. It's of very little relevance as to why, but Jason and I both didn't exactly trust her. We didn't disrespect her or shun her, but we were overly skeptical of who she was. It wasn't long before there clashings. Joey still, for no readily apparent reason, couldn't invite the both of us to help him move. I was pretty vocal about my utter disgust and feelings of extreme disrespect towards me. It actually got fiery and he told me that "I was taking his best friend away from him." after Jason had told him that he wouldn't be coming over unless I was invited to come along. This was when I really believed my ex fiancee was being a man.

Eventually, there was reconciliation between everybody again, then conflict, then amends being made, then fighting again- it was a never ending cycle. Joey had gotten extremely possessive and his girlfriend was very venomous towards me. Jason also started to change as a person and started to push that I be friends with Joey and Anna; it became an obsession with him. As time went by, countless head games were played, and it lead to the breaking off of the engagement. Jason had informed me that he couldn't have the other people in his life if I was in it and that I do nothing but push them away when I get angry about wanting to be included. So, I was left in the dust while this "bromance" rekindled.

So, to answer the questions.

1. I would be really upset if my future husband didn't like one of my friends. I would try to get to the bottom of it and come to some medium so that everybody could be happy. However if my husband would have good reasoning, I'm sure that I'd be seeing the same thing he's seeing. After having this experience happen, I feel that friends need to know their place. If one of my friends were to be "Josephina" and become controlling instigator and would even have the audacity to tell my husband that he was "taking me away", I wouldn't have any issues severing ties. My husband is the one that I'm spending the rest of my life with, nobody else.

2. I actually used to have a lot of guy friends because most guys are gamers (and I'm one myself) and have more things in common with me than most girls my age. When I was engaged, I would have dinner or see a movie with some of my guy friends, but I would run it past Jason and ask if he was alright with it. He said he was perfectly fine and I never met any resistance. I don't think I would just sever ties right off the bat unless there were boundaries being crossed and disrespect shown towards my marriage. I'd want my husband to be with present, if possible, and if I met the idea with resistance, then duces. I'd be doing what I hope my husband would do out respect for me.

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