Geraldine

Expectations in marriage

8 posts in this topic

Original article : https://peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/22/expectations-part-3/

Earlier this week, we looked at some common expectations that women often carry into marriage and how they can create resentment in us (here are Part 1 and Part 2).  We also looked at reality vs. these expectations.

  • that if I am married, my husband will spend all his free time after work doting on me
  • that I am always right and leave no room for my husband’s perspective at all
  • I should always get MY way
  • if I am married, I will always feel loved by my husband
  • if I am unhappy, my husband is to blame and he must change
  • I am not a big time sinner – I won’t cause my husband any pain/wounds/grief/distress
  • I am better than my husband (spiritually/mentally/morally/emotionally)

This is not remotely an exhaustive list!

REALITY VS. THE ABOVE EXPECTATIONS

  • Husbands have a lot of things they want and need to do.  Not all of it will always involve us.  That does not mean they don’t love us!  It just means sometimes they need time with their guy friends.  Sometimes they need time to chill out.  Sometimes they need time to cut the grass.  Sometimes they need time to work on their hobbies and passions.  Sometimes they need time with just the children without us.  It is easy for wives to interpret, “If my husband doesn’t do things with me every possible minute that he is home from work, he doesn’t love me or want me.”  This is usually NOT at all true!  Allow your man the time he needs to recharge and do things he enjoys – even without you sometimes.  That will give him a much greater appreciation for you and he will enjoy the time he spends with you infinitely more than if you are clinging to him and resentful of him spending any time away.  A wife who is a bottomless pit of need REPELS her husband far, far away.  A wife who is understanding and supportive of her husband’s hobbies and recreation will tend to have a much more loving husband.
  • Be open to your husband’s ideas.  They will be different from your own.  That does not mean he is wrong.  God may well be speaking to you through your husband at times (if he is not asking you to sin or condone sin).  Be willing to hear your husband and accept that your husband has a masculine brand of wisdom and a masculine perspective that is very different from yours, but that he has a lot to offer.
  • Expecting to always get your way is one of the fastest ways to misery I know.  And trust me – I have been down that road MANY MILES.  It does not go anywhere good!  Be gracious and selfless and allow your husband to do things the way he likes to as a gift to him.  Lay down your own desires at the feet of Jesus and seek His will, His glory and His way, not your own!
  • You will ABSOLUTELY NOT always feel loved by your husband.  That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, necessarily.  But you will not always be able to FEEL/hear/see his love.  Our feelings LIE to us at times – when we have PMS, when we are pregnant, when we are exhausted, when we are misinterpreting our husbands’ actions because we think they feel/think/act just like we do…  And then, there may be times when your husband truly doesn’t love you.  That is entirely possible.  He is human, and not perfect.  You will hurt him. He will mess up.  But that doesn’t mean there is no hope. When your heart is set fully on Jesus, you can ride out those times because you have your identity completely in Christ, and you have your security in Jesus, not a man.  You keep obeying God for your part, don’t react in sin, stay close to Jesus.  And see what God will do.
  • I am responsible for my own happiness.  My husband is not responsible for my emotional and spiritual well-being.  He wants to see me happy.  He will probably try to do things that make me feel happy.  But every time I am unhappy it is not his job to make me be happy.  I am an adult.  I am responsible for my emotions and my spiritual condition.   I look to Christ to find my fulfillment and joy and strength.  My husband will add extra things to my life that do make me happy – but my primary source for my wellbeing is Jesus.
  • We are all big time sinners.  All of us tend to commit idolatry, be prideful, selfish… the list goes on and on.  I WILL sin against my husband.  I will hurt him.  Probably many times.  I have to be able to accept that I am human and understand that I need the blood of Jesus to cover my sin.  I need grace to give to myself.  And I will need grace from my husband.
  • We are all on level ground at the foot of the cross.  We are all equally wretched sinners.  None of us are good.  Only God is good.  My husband may fall for temptations that don’t tempt me.  But I have other sin-tendencies that are just as heinous to God’s holiness.  My husband is my fellow-traveler on this road of faith in Christ.  We are equal in sinfulness and equal in the amount of the grace of Jesus that we desperately need.
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I have to admit, I'm a little surprised that there are women that think this way. I'm happy to know that someone pointed it out and made a list. I think it might be helpful for some people. Relationships are not always easy (though in a good one, the good should outweigh the bad) and love is only an emotion first, after that it's a choice you make. Emotions ebb and flow, you don't always feel love, but when you have felt it and you commit to it then you make the choice.

I wonder, does the person who wrote this have one for men, as I'm sure some men have some ideas that aren't realistic, as well. I'd be interested to know that. :)

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1 hour ago, PG1 said:

I wonder, does the person who wrote this have one for men, as I'm sure some men have some ideas that aren't realistic, as well. I'd be interested to know that. :)

I'd like to find out about this too. :)

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@PG1 and @K.T.

Thank you very much for your comments :) I'm glad this article has been beneficial for you ^^

To tell the truth, the author of this article is a christian married woman talking to christian single ladies.

In order to give them christian advices regarding relationships.

Your observations are accurate, because I agree some men have also unrealistic expectations regarding marriage. And they need good advices in this area also... but I'm not sure there are articles regrding men on her blog...

If I find any, I will be glad to share with you :) 

 

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Awesome article, @Geraldine! I love April, the Peaceful Wife and watch her videos on Youtube.

I hate how our society is full of people who are of the belief that the success of a marriage is measured entirely by the wife's feelings. If she's not happy then somehow it's the husband's fault for failing to fulfill her emotional needs. A husband's responsibility is to love her as Christ loves the Church, but he has no control over how his wife feels. If you watch April's videos, she has said in multiple occasions that she used to be the ultra-nagging, controlling and disrespectful wife to her husband until God convicted her heart to change. Her husband is not God, he's a sinner just as much as she is. Therefore he cannot give true happiness that only God can provide.

The fact is that this kind of unrealistic expectations is born from selfishness. We cannot expect our spouses to fulfill our every single need at all times. We are going to fail each other at some point or another. I highly recommend watching April's youtube videos. She provides so much wisdom on marriage.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXnU0StfBrat4p5X1SxS7Fg

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On 7/15/2017 at 8:06 PM, Geraldine said:

 I am responsible for my emotions and my spiritual condition.   I look to Christ to find my fulfillment and joy and strength.  My husband will add extra things to my life that do make me happy – but my primary source for my wellbeing is Jesus.

I think that this is something that a lot of single people who chase after being in a relationship forget. Being in a relationship, marriage and having a spouse won't in itself make you happy. They will add extra things to your life (both good and bad) but you can be fully content without being married or have a husband/wife. 

The more I look to Jesus, the more I realise this. It's only in him where I can find true happiness since people, including your spouse will let you down and be a source of unhappiness. But if you do get into a good marriage then that's a massive blessing in itself. 

9 hours ago, Invincible said:

I hate how our society is full of people who are of the belief that the success of a marriage is measured entirely by the wife's feelings. If she's not happy then somehow it's the husband's fault for failing to fulfill her emotional needs.

The exact same thing could be said regarding men and their sexual needs. Society is also filled with men who believe that the success of their marriage is determined by how often they have sex and how good the sex is and that if the husband isn't happy then it's the wife's fault for not fulfilling their sexual needs. Some men may take it further and use this basis as a reason to cheat on their wives just like women who try and get their emotional needs met elsewhere; both are problematic and come from unrealistic expectations in marriage. It's also used as a method to guilt-trip a lot of women into having sex with their husbands when they would otherwise wouldn't in order to ensure that he doesn't step outside but the same could probably be for men feeling obliged to meet all of their wife's emotional needs so they too don't step outside emotionally when it's impossible. 

There are two side to every story and I like others have stated would love to see one for men although I assume it would mainly be about sex, respect and masculinity (or something along those lines).

On 7/16/2017 at 6:17 AM, PG1 said:

I have to admit, I'm a little surprised that there are women that think this way.

Oddly enough I'm actually not - probably because I relate to this myself in terms of how I deal with people. I'm rather stubborn so I know that one bone of contention will be the fact that I will expect to get my way on certain matters. However I also understand the reality of the situation is that I won't always get my way and this will lead to me feeling "unloved" at that moment since I tend to take things very very personally - something I've tried to change but it just ends up being more destructive in the long-run due to the built up resentment. It's this mentality that shows me that I'm not ready for a relationship and certainly not marriage yet since honestly, there seem to be more costs than benefits. So I'm just looking to strengthen my relationship with Jesus atm, since I'll only find true happiness in him :) 

 

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16 hours ago, Invincible said:

Awesome article, @Geraldine! I love April, the Peaceful Wife and watch her videos on Youtube.

I hate how our society is full of people who are of the belief that the success of a marriage is measured entirely by the wife's feelings. If she's not happy then somehow it's the husband's fault for failing to fulfill her emotional needs. A husband's responsibility is to love her as Christ loves the Church, but he has no control over how his wife feels. If you watch April's videos, she has said in multiple occasions that she used to be the ultra-nagging, controlling and disrespectful wife to her husband until God convicted her heart to change. Her husband is not God, he's a sinner just as much as she is. Therefore he cannot give true happiness that only God can provide.

The fact is that this kind of unrealistic expectations is born from selfishness. We cannot expect our spouses to fulfill our every single need at all times. We are going to fail each other at some point or another. I highly recommend watching April's youtube videos. She provides so much wisdom on marriage.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXnU0StfBrat4p5X1SxS7Fg

Thank you very much @Invincible  :D

Actually, I discovered her recently, this year, and like you I really enjoyed her mindset and I'm greatly blessed with her posts.

I've never watched her videos, so thank you for sharing. I will take time  to discover this.

And I agree with everything  that you said regarding marriage

 

@BlackRose : Unbelievable, but true ! For once I agree 100% with what you said :lol::P:D 

See...miracles happen :P

Thank you for having shared your opinion :)

I definitively agree when you say that you seek to strenghten your relationship with Him before entering a romantic relationship. that's wise to do so. and that's what all christians are supposed to do :  to find their contentment in Jesus, first and foremost...and then, when God decides, enter a romantic relationship. That's true that's not a natural and easy thing to do... but it's truly awesome and beautiful once we manage to do that with His help... :)  We can then truly enjoy live to the fullest, no matter what happens :)

 

 

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@Geraldine :D:lol::P Yes, praise the Lord! 

Not a problem and thanks for sharing the article :)  

It's definitely not the most natural thing as you've said. It's taken me a while to get to this point. Before when I used to hear things like "enjoy your singleness" and "focus on God" I'd always think "easy for you to say, you're all in relationships/have dated/are married etc" and almost get angry at them. But now I can definitely see the advantages to being single, you're able to focus on things important to you, like your relationship with God, without bringing someone else into it which adds extra complications (both good and bad). But once you get to that point of fulfillment and satisfaction (in Jesus) other things don't tend to matter as much :D 

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