DHZ

How are you supposed to find a girlfriend when your depressed and don't really have support group, friends, or any church community.

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How are you supposed to find a girlfriend when your depressed and don't really have support group, friends, or any church community. Really I don't feel accepted or like by most people. I do like and accept my self, but when nobody else does. I guess it just doesn't mean that much.

I do appreciate the people the from the chat room. I really don't have that right now.

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I'm sorry to hear you're depressed, DHZ. :( I miss the chat room, too- it was much more personable for me than posting on the forum. It's a shame that many recent newcomers did not get to experience that.... Seems like it's been down for months now... :unsure:

Anyway, just know you have my support. I know you're already doing this, but keep putting in a little effort each day. I hope to see you in chat sometime. ^_^ 

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I am sorry to hear that you're feeling kind of down. I've missed the chat too. If Youd like to talk you can feel free to message me. A lot of my friends are online, or I keep up with them online, so I just wanted to let you know I'm here.

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Finding a girlfriend isn't going to make you feel better about yourself. Being in a relationship brings the burden of your partner's issues and insecurities as well. She isn't going to be happy go lucky 100% of the time just like you're not going to absolutely perfect 100% of the time. Being together/strong enough to listen and comfort is a big part of it. Make sure you're there before jumping into a romantic relationship.

Not feeling accepted is perfectly normal. Being abstinent (or just plain virgin) in the 20s and beyond is a statistical anomaly. We're barely a rounding error in the grand scheme of things. That's okay though. The important thing is to own it regardless of the decision was conscious for not. Also try to forget about the whole "acceptance" thing in general. There's not really a need to be accepted or accept anyone else. Judgement doesn't just spontaneously happen every time you appear in front of a group of people. Everyone in the room has all of their own insecurities and obligations rattling inside their own minds. Spending time thinking negatively about loose acquaintances isn't on their priority list. Don't over analyze social situations after the fact. It's over, no one dwells on them.

If you want a more tangible support structure  call up a local church and ask if they have any pastors on staff that handle depression or offer individual counsel and set up an appointment for a face to face meeting. Nearly every church will. I've yet to see one that doesn't even at the smallest churches. If you're invested in the church you go to regularly and want privacy from the people you know don't be afraid to visit a different one.

I miss chat too. :lol:

 

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@DHZ
You should acquire 3 things:
1. Confidence
2. Personal goals
3. An attitude of indifference

I don't have a church (I'm not even Christian), I've alienated my friends, and my family is overall unsupportive of my life choices. Still, I have offers, and plenty of them. It must be magic, right?

Not really. See, I talk to strangers on a daily basis, and I have no problem starting a conversation with one. When I talk to girls, I really don't care whether or not they like me. Why? I don't have impressing her or dating her as a goal. Hell, most of the time I don't even like her, which accounts for the reason I reject more girls than I pursue. Why? I don't care, because I have bigger goals than getting a date.

What are your goals? Do you have something about which you're so passionate that it keeps you up at night and sets your heart on fire when you think about it? When you have that, people can feel it. You exude an energy of determination and single-minded intense pursuit of what YOU want out of life, what YOU love, what YOU care about.

Ever seen a man who is very obviously “on a mission”? He barrels past everyone and everything and ignores every distraction he finds. People don't shy away from him, they want to see where he's going! Where is he going that is more important than all the temptations and pleasures and fun times he doesn't even notice out of the corner of his eye because he's so obsessed with his goal?!

Sure, you could just play the numbers. If you talk to 20 or 30 girls this week and, after a conversation that builds rapport, you ask her for her number, at least one of them will say yes. Statistically, it should play out that way. If you get a yes before 19 nos, congratulations, you're good at talking to girls, 1/20 is more or less average.

Still, wouldn't it be better if they were drawn to your fire? Your passion for your goals is that fire and, the more passionately you burn for it, the more brightly you burn for all to see. Do this right, and your commitment to WTM will be a self-discipline measure instead of a mentality you fall into.

Also, @K.T. gave great advice about going to the gym. Seriously, it helps.


Oh, and I created a server on Discord when the chat went down here and emailed Mike about permission to drop the link in the forum, but he never replied. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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20 hours ago, Skald said:

@DHZ
You should acquire 3 things:
1. Confidence
2. Personal goals
3. An attitude of indifference

I don't have a church (I'm not even Christian), I've alienated my friends, and my family is overall unsupportive of my life choices. Still, I have offers, and plenty of them. It must be magic, right?

Not really. See, I talk to strangers on a daily basis, and I have no problem starting a conversation with one. When I talk to girls, I really don't care whether or not they like me. Why? I don't have impressing her or dating her as a goal. Hell, most of the time I don't even like her, which accounts for the reason I reject more girls than I pursue. Why? I don't care, because I have bigger goals than getting a date.

What are your goals? Do you have something about which you're so passionate that it keeps you up at night and sets your heart on fire when you think about it? When you have that, people can feel it. You exude an energy of determination and single-minded intense pursuit of what YOU want out of life, what YOU love, what YOU care about.

Ever seen a man who is very obviously “on a mission”? He barrels past everyone and everything and ignores every distraction he finds. People don't shy away from him, they want to see where he's going! Where is he going that is more important than all the temptations and pleasures and fun times he doesn't even notice out of the corner of his eye because he's so obsessed with his goal?!

Sure, you could just play the numbers. If you talk to 20 or 30 girls this week and, after a conversation that builds rapport, you ask her for her number, at least one of them will say yes. Statistically, it should play out that way. If you get a yes before 19 nos, congratulations, you're good at talking to girls, 1/20 is more or less average.

Still, wouldn't it be better if they were drawn to your fire? Your passion for your goals is that fire and, the more passionately you burn for it, the more brightly you burn for all to see. Do this right, and your commitment to WTM will be a self-discipline measure instead of a mentality you fall into.

Also, @K.T. gave great advice about going to the gym. Seriously, it helps.


Oh, and I created a server on Discord when the chat went down here and emailed Mike about permission to drop the link in the forum, but he never replied. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Post the link to the discord on the Announcements and Feedback forum. We can use it as unofficial chat for now.

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On 7/18/2017 at 1:16 AM, Skald said:

Why? I don't care, because I have bigger goals than getting a date.

I think there are separate categories of goals and one category is not necessarily "bigger" than the other. I also believe @DHZ is ultimately looking for a wife and not just getting a date, which is a respectable goal in my humble opinion.

On 7/18/2017 at 1:16 AM, Skald said:

Ever seen a man who is very obviously “on a mission”? He barrels past everyone and everything and ignores every distraction he finds. People don't shy away from him, they want to see where he's going! Where is he going that is more important than all the temptations and pleasures and fun times he doesn't even notice out of the corner of his eye because he's so obsessed with his goal?!

Yes, and I wouldn't want to marry one in 99% of cases. The work they are so intent on doing is usually quite insignificant in the grand scheme, and their behavior signifies they may not make an attentive husband or father. Most of the time they are just fooling themselves and the following type who want to see where they're going, which is usually nowhere. “God never hurries." - A.W. Tozer

Anyway, to my main point: I don't think @DHZ needs to change in order to find someone fitting for him. Self improvement is always beneficial, but we can miss a once in a lifetime opportunity by thinking we need to become something better or achieve more before advancing in other areas of our life. Not everything will proceed in perfect order nor does it have to.

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10 hours ago, redgrapes said:

I also believe @DHZ is ultimately looking for a wife and not just getting a date, which is a respectable goal in my humble opinion.

In mine as well, but he said girlfriend, not wife. I don't know about others here, but those are very different processes for me.

10 hours ago, redgrapes said:

The work they are so intent on doing is usually quite insignificant in the grand scheme, and their behavior signifies they may not make an attentive husband or father.

In order to motivate me, my boss, who is my age and started in my position, told me about how he makes so much money that he can buy whatever car he wants and can have sex with many women very easily due to his money and success.

I found him to be exceedingly boring.

That's how most people think, yes, but we're not exactly “most people” in this community. In my case, my goals center around research projects into which I've dedicated years of my life, and they will ultimately culminate in me having a family. It may not be what you might consider worthwhile or something that will change the course of humanity, but it's not exactly “cars and women,” like a lot of other men my age. You may not be familiar with the results of my work within specific communities, nor may the world population at large, but I know I'll leave a mark on this earth. More importantly, it will be something that resounds through future generations of my family.

But we can still disagree civilly, of course. You may consider my goals silly, and many do, but it's something important to me that I'm not willing to compromise for others. That unwillingness to compromise on what is important to you is what truly makes you seem magnetic, not obsession with metrics, certainly not autotelically so.

Just my two cents and clarification of what I meant.

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On ‎8‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 10:07 AM, redgrapes said:

 I also believe @DHZ is ultimately looking for a wife and not just getting a date, which is a respectable goal in my humble opinion.

@redgrapes

Right, I'm looking for a girl that I can eventually marry.

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On 8/1/2017 at 9:42 PM, Skald said:

In mine as well, but he said girlfriend, not wife. I don't know about others here, but those are very different processes for me.

 
I suppose part of my response came from things I already know from chat (like how DHZ wants to get married, advice people give him, etc) and not entirely from the content of this thread. I get the impression most members of the forum take relationships quite seriously compared to non-waiters and consider dating a trial as a potential spouse, like a pre-engagement stage. For myself, I would only have a boyfriend if I could imagine marrying them some day, otherwise I would feel I was using them or wasting their time, so for me the processes are the same.
 
On 8/1/2017 at 9:42 PM, Skald said:

In order to motivate me, my boss, who is my age and started in my position, told me about how he makes so much money that he can buy whatever car he wants and can have sex with many women very easily due to his money and success.

I found him to be exceedingly boring.

That's how most people think, yes, but we're not exactly “most people” in this community. In my case, my goals center around research projects into which I've dedicated years of my life, and they will ultimately culminate in me having a family. It may not be what you might consider worthwhile or something that will change the course of humanity, but it's not exactly “cars and women,” like a lot of other men my age. You may not be familiar with the results of my work within specific communities, nor may the world population at large, but I know I'll leave a mark on this earth. More importantly, it will be something that resounds through future generations of my family.

But we can still disagree civilly, of course. You may consider my goals silly, and many do, but it's something important to me that I'm not willing to compromise for others. That unwillingness to compromise on what is important to you is what truly makes you seem magnetic, not obsession with metrics, certainly not autotelically so.

Just my two cents and clarification of what I meant.

Thank you. My post wasn't supposed to be about you personally (if anything I was thinking more about my own former beliefs) or your work, as I'm sure it is both intelligent and an asset to your future family, but against the recommendation that @DHZ adopt a certain attitude himself.

I think an assumption was made that certain traits are universally attractive- they're not- and I was merely using an example of my own personal taste to address the point. I doubt I am alone in my sentiment of not finding a man with an attitude of indifference or whom behaved disinterested as attractive. A girl who is interested in DHZ probably won't also be attracted to the guy who is barreling past people. Some advice given (on chat as well) could actually decrease his odds of finding the right person if he is no longer genuine; or make him feel insufficient or undeserving of a girlfriend presently, thus decreasing his confidence and leading him into a perpetual state of "self improvement" when he is already enough. Nobody should have to conform to some supposed ideal to find a mate. I don't think anyone should force unnatural qualities or be more like someone else in order to find someone. And it seems like DHZ is already magnetic by your definition. :D

 

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