Adam

A lot of words

9 posts in this topic

Hi all. My name's Adam, and I'm 23 years old. I'm a waiter, kind of. I'm not necessarily completely locked in on waiting specifically until marriage, though I'm totally willing to do so, depending on the woman. I'm mostly just waiting on the one I feel I have a truly good connection with. Which, given the way I operate, isn't all that much different from just waiting for marriage. Personally I can't say I would even sleep with a woman unless I had intentions of marrying her, or you know, are already married to her, but I digress. The bottom line is that I pretty much want the same thing as anyone else here.

Recently I've undertaken a journey of self-improvement and recovery. Some unfortunate events in my life have shaped me into a bit of a loner, and I have a bad habit of keeping people out while I just tend to myself. I guess after 8 years of doing it, the loneliness finally began to sink in. Given how absolutely miserable the last year was for me, my cynicism peaked and destructive thoughts started poisoning my mind. I kept feeding those thoughts by getting engulfed in very filthy, toxic communities. A few of you might know one in particular I'm talking about, but I'll refrain from naming it, lest I allow it to indoctrinate and harm anybody else out there. While I've long since detached from them, the damage still lingers.

I've come to you all as part of my own personal healing process. Talking to people is not really something I do, but I believe that having positive interactions with like-minded people will help me a great deal. This forum in particular is outstanding. In real life, everybody around me flat out wants nothing to do with the idea of waiting until marriage or similar concepts. I've no one to sympathize with on the matter. In fear of receiving criticism or having to deal with concern trolling, I've never admitted my willingness to wait to anybody. So yeah, that just makes talking about it with you guys that much more appealing.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't come here expecting you guys to "fix me". I would never demand that of anyone, and I know that is my own responsibility. But socializing with people I can relate to just inherently helps me out. Look, I'm someone who doesn't drink or smoke or use drugs and has no interest in partying or casual hookups, so you can imagine how absolutely little I have in common with most people. I know that is just going to be a natural barrier that comes with being that way, but I'm sure you guys are well familiar with the unwillingness to compromise your beliefs. Anyway, I feel like your community is one where I have a good chance of actually opening up and really bonding with people. You guys are amazing at instilling hope. Hope is something I've desperately held on to during my times of crisis, and it's the one thing preventing me from going down a darker road. I also feel it's the one thing that can truly motivate me; something no amount of misery and anger could ever achieve.

Anyhow, I apologize for making such a long post, especially for an introduction. I just want people to know upfront what my intentions are. I'd be happy to answer any questions you all might have too.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome Adam! You'll find a lot of people here with an open heart!

I personally don't think it's worth the risk to have sex with someone based on what you intend to do. If marriage is such a sure thing then there's no reason to not go to the courthouse and elope. Plenty of people have had sex with people they thought they were going to spend the rest of their lives with and the majority never end up with that person.

It's kind of a carrot leading the horse thing. I wouldn't want a woman, even abstinent, who kept playing "we're totally going to get married at this unspecified date" game either.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Adam, and welcome. :)

Thank you for sharing some of your story and beliefs. I hope you'll find what you're looking for here. :)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Amarillo said:

Welcome Adam! You'll find a lot of people here with an open heart!

I personally don't think it's worth the risk to have sex with someone based on what you intend to do. If marriage is such a sure thing then there's no reason to not go to the courthouse and elope. Plenty of people have had sex with people they thought they were going to spend the rest of their lives with and the majority never end up with that person.

It's kind of a carrot leading the horse thing. I wouldn't want a woman, even abstinent, who kept playing "we're totally going to get married at this unspecified date" game either.

Thanks, and yeah, I do agree with you 100%. I really just worded what I was trying to say very poorly. Didn't really think through the literal implications of what I wrote and it definitely came out wrong. What I actually mean is that I don't think I would respond to or pursue any sexual relations unless I truly felt some significant level of trust, comfort and connection with her. Just wanted to drill that point in and I suppose I thought it'd be easier to say, "I would if I wanted to marry her", but that was very short sighted of me. I appreciate you pointing that out.

I know that approach is a bit of slippery slope, and I wouldn't be surprised if I modified it later down the road. I can't really put into words all the ideas I have in my head about love and the ethics surrounding it. I'm totally lost, but hey, I figure I can learn many new perspectives from all you guys here and really start piecing this puzzle together.

Thank you and PG1 for the warm welcome. I was honestly afraid that I came on too strong with that wall of text I wrote. I tend to get carried away with my musings, and my forum etiquette has certainly diminished, being that it has been well over 10 years since I've posted on one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Adam. :) Welcome to the forum!

No need to apologize for writing a lot- I find lengthy introductory posts much more interesting. So, keep writing!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you! I find them interesting too, and I wish more people did. In my experience, people have tended to react to them negatively. Kind of makes it hard to have good, in-depth discussions.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks guys! :)

I made this thread just a few weeks ago, and I've changed a little since then. It's funny, I kinda regret how I explained myself in my first post. What I'm saying there isn't all that consistent with what I've been saying recently and how I'm feeling now. Well, just the way I tip-toed around my feelings on sex and waiting specifically is what I find inconsistent. If I had to guess, I would say at that point I just lacked the courage to really embrace waiting. The way I used words like "willingness" really does bother me, and that kind of indecisiveness reaffirms my theory. In all honesty, I really do believe that I was always meant to wait, and I just didn't know it yet. That could explain how since I was a teenager I've always had this aversion to pursuing intimate relationships and distaste for the way people obsess over sex. Maybe I just wasn't smart enough to figure out what I actually wanted, or that I couldn't consider it a possibility because literally nobody around me ever considered waiting themselves. Whatever the reason, that feeling was always with me. Even though I haven't been perfectly clean about it, I still never chased any physical or emotional relationship with anybody, and my time alone while growing up helped me form my own sense of right and wrong. I eventually overcame my previous pitfalls, and it left me wondering about how to interpret just what this feeling in my heart is. And well, after looking deeply into it and interacting with you guys, I had finally figured out that I want to wait until marriage.

So that desire is what has been narrating the theme of my more recent posts. Indecisiveness was the theme of more than a few of my earlier posts. One in particular that is on my mind is one where I said I wasn't very religious. I've been thinking more about it, and I think that there could be more to why I feel that way than I'm giving credit for. It might have come about from the combination of indifference and questioning I have regarding my own faith. Though I know I'm always going to believe in God, so I'm giving thought to the possibility that my faith, which I was born into, might not have been my intended path. It's an interesting thought. I also said in that post I wouldn't be willing to convert, but I said that out of both my initial apathy, and assuming I would treat any other faith the same way. I'm reconsidering that too. I've been intentionally vague about my faith, so all I can really say is that I'm not officially a Christian (and I mean that only in a literal sense). Though I've been thinking about that specifically a lot. It's kind of ironic for me, as my father was a Christian until he married my mother and converted to my current faith.

That's all I've got for now. For someone who chalks himself up to be unresponsive to change, I've sure done a bit of it. In such a short time too. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, and I think that's kind of exciting in a way. Anyhow, thank you guys again.

EDIT: Looking back on it, I think I may have worded the whole religious comment poorly. I was pressed for time while I was originally making this post, so I didn't have as much time to really think about it. It's probably not a good idea when talking about faith to say literal things like "I am not this" or "I am this" or to use words like "current" and "convert". I feel that could easily be seen as diminishing. You could say this stems from my original lax attitude about faith. Coincidentally, later that day I posted this, I ended up having a talk with my dad about his own history leading up to his marriage, and he said some things that I had never really considered or put into perspective before. That is what leads me to making this edit. So, yeah. Lots of thoughts going on in my head. Thinking about all of this stuff now is admittedly intimidating, as it's definitely unfamiliar stuff for someone like me. Been having strange dreams lately too. I really don't know how to process any of this, so I think I'll just have to relax for now.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now