Francois

Dating Site Mistakes

14 posts in this topic

I have been on and off of dating sites with various degrees of successes. I have in the past years met up with 5 girls from these sites. Four of which ended up not liking me despite showing a high level interest in my dating profile initially and vice versa with the other girl. With the latter it seemed like it was a different person than on her profile. With this being said, I have had maybe a dozen of girls ignoring me flat out. I would send them a message saying hi and that I am hoping she is having a wonderful day. And I would comment on how honest and good her profile is. So first contact. Many do not even bother to read it. Some would read it and never reply at all. And lately its been a row of disappointments. What am I doing wrong? Do I come across as a creeper with a big dark van and bags of candy? I have always considered myself as above average looking with a likable personality. At the moment I feel very down in the dumps about it and in all honesty starting to get a bitter taste when it comes to dating and women and this is the last thing I want. 

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I don't think you're doing anything seriously wrong. I tried online dating for a couple years but now stopped (technically my profile is still up). I experienced the same thing. I never got a single date out of it nor did I get any responses except for one short "thanks but no thanks" kind of reply. This is just how online dating is. The experiences between men and women are vastly different. For most girls, they get tons of messages a day from creepy guys so they have less patience in reading all their messages, even from well meaning guys. For us guys, we can throw out hundreds of messages and would be lucky just to hear back from one girl. 

I think the problem with online dating is most people have the wrong expectations going into it. It's very much a "marketplace" mentality where you seemingly have thousands of choices at your fingertips. People may see profiles that interest them, but there's always the feeling that there is someone else better out there. So it's easy for people to be tempted to look for absolute perfection. Seriously, I check my profile from time to time and I still recognize girls on there that I saw years ago. Sure there are people who do meet someone great that leads to a long term relationship, but those are the really rare lucky ones. It sucks but it is what it is. Online dating for the most part is a big joke.

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Well, I have heard that women tend to get hundreds of messages a day, and will ignore a lot of them just because of that. I mean, my experience was otherwise, because I'm honest right off the bat about myself, and I have to admit that I'll ignore if they don't give me more than 'hello' because then I feel like the conversation will be forced, and when I make contact I try to be engaging...and still get turned down or ignored. Sometimes it's like they didn't even read my profile, or they did and ignore parts. I doubt you do that, but that's my experience. I really wish I knew what to tell you, but I really don't know. I have said it before, and I will again, you have a lot going for you. Personally, I don't know why you're not taken, yet, but please don't get bitter about it. I know it sounds like a platitude, but God knows what he's doing. Just trust Him to lead. I'll be praying for you.

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@Francois I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think for some people online dating works, like my friend knows someone who is now engaged to a person she met online...still hasn't told her parents how they met though lol. For others it doesn't. 

I have tried a bit of it myself and I never got the hundreds ofor messages the women supposedly get. Just the odd few. I also tried initiating and that worked out badly too. The ones that I did talk to ended up not being virgins despite me targeting Christian sites which was heavily disappointing. But i did appreciate their honesty and intergrity. One good thing was that I did gain a new friend and we still talk despite him living in the US. 

I can see how you would become bitter  but please try not to. It's something I've had to work on this by focusing on being friends first hence why I've been able to ask if they have been sexually active before or not. 

I've never gone on a date or been asked out so I have wondered if there was something wrong at some point but now I just see it as I'm probably not ready or too busy or something. It's probably hard but try not to take it personally and focus on other things until maybe someone in real life comes along...that's what I'm doing and praying that it will all happened in God's timing. Hope that this helps :)

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@Francois

I'd rate you as attractive but I'm not a woman and I've seen some weird preferences nitpicks thrown out before. :P

Are you only dating Afrikaners / English? Looking at the demographics it could explain some of the lackluster response given how relatively small the pool is unfortunately.

As a guy I don't think I'd approach a woman by wishing her a nice day or complimenting her writing (profile, she knows you read it). Here in the states that's usually just a throw away formality that you say to strangers as you pass by. I think a more effective strategy would be to find something that you have in common based on what her interests are and be inquisitive with questions instead. It doesn't necessarily have to be based on exactly what she wrote. IE asking if she's into kayaking or whatever if she's mentioned gym/cycling/etc.

Basically, I think it pays to be more aggressive given the online format. Be sure to send out multiple messages too instead of sending out one then waiting for that girl to respond since she may never as you found out.

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Well I've never tried online dating, but I know how I would react if I had. I honestly wouldn't bother responding if I received a generic message that could be sent word for word to everyone else, even if it was polite and pleasant. In fact I'd use that as my standard for whether or not to respond. Perhaps try thinking about it from her perspective whenever you send a message. She wants to feel special and not like another dating profile. Women want to see that a guy read their profile so commenting on something specific she wrote is probably mandatory in order to hear back from her. Also, she may have no way to respond to you except to say "thanks, you too," which is not very inspiring. Express genuine interest in learning more about her and provide her an opportunity to tell you more about herself. I think you should keep experimenting with it. Don't get discouraged!

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Thanks everyone. It is evident then that I need to start all over again. To me it just kinda seem "petty", for the lack of a better word, for someone to hang around a dating site for say 3 years and when they get a message, base the decision that may contribute to the happiness for the rest of their lives on the perfection of that first message. We live in a world where first contact is always hard and kinda akward. Deeper qualities lies hidden, still to be unearthed as both get to know each other better. Anyway thanks. So back to the drawing board for me.

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Online dating is a numbers game, so your experience is fairly typical. You have to cast a wide net and you're destined to have many of your messages go ignored, but there are ways you can at least optimize your chances. Rather than a generic "your profile looks nice," be specific. Try and use humor where possible. Show that you've actually read their profiles and are not just copy-pasting the same line to 100 girls. Also, look up ways to improve your own profile. Supposedly being specific about yourself and your interests, pointing out unique aspects about yourself, is important; everyone likes music and movies, so find what it is that is original about you and will help you stand out against other profiles. There are also research-based tips for what sorts of photos work best that you might wish to look up. Unfortunately, I think online dating is a fairly shallow game. But think of it as a way to simply open doors and widen your net -- any real and meaningful connections obviously need to be made through real-life interactions. If you're really serious about making that first connection online, it will be a time investment, but hopefully a worthwhile one.

Has anyone read Aziz Ansari's book "Modern Romance"?

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Hmmm...

To tell the truth, I want to help you...but I'm not sure that you will appreciate my answer.

Anyway, I won't try to please you, but to really help you, as a child of God.

Well, I have to say that I'm a little surprised that you look for advices regarding this subject, here.

Don't get me wrong. That's a logical thing to look for help when we have doubts about something. That's normal

Nevertheless, as christians, our first reflex when we have interrogation about anything, should be  to look for spiritual help. And we get that help through prayer and also through daily meditation of the Word of God (the Bible). That's how our wisdom, knowledge and understanding of all the things of life  increase. That's how God intended things for His children.

When we look for His will in every area in our lives, He will surely guide us.

God is so able to give you strategy : strategy to conquer and marry the woman of your dream. But it's important to understand that you will be able to attract the woman of your dream, by being yourself the man of her dream.

Well, I don't know if the previous sentence was clear. What I'm trying to say is think about all the deep qualities that you want that your future wife to have : spiritually, emotionnally and so on...

Do you cultivate yourself those same qualities? Because we attract who we are. If you want to marry a quality girl , she will be attracted to a quality man.

Another point I want to make, is that on a dating site, there are various people, and there are certainly girls who possess the characteristics that you look for. So to conquer the girl you are interested in, ask God His advice. Ask Him His strategy. Ask Him what is His will for your life? What is the kind of girl that He wants you to marry ?

In the Bible, when Abraham was looking for a wife for his son Isaac, God led the servant of Abraham directly towards Rebeccah. He didn't have to look for her among many women. The servant was wise and he asked God for specific characteristics regarding this future wife:

- First, she had to be a godly woman = that tells about the importance for a christian to also marry a christian

-Second, she had to have a servant's heart; she Rebeccah was willing to give to drink to the servant and also to his camels...that was a huge task to do!!. That reveals she was a woman of character who wasn't complaining even when the task was hard.

-Third: She had to want to go willingly with the servant.

It's possible to read the full story of Rebeccah and Isaac in Genesis 24.

So, to sum up, if you look for a person to marry, God has a specific plan for you in that area. But you have to listen to Him.

He can use other people to give you an answer, but God speaks mainly through the Bible.

I sincerely hope that my answer helps and I pray the best for you.

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I met my Fiancé on a dating website (OkCupid). He said he had the same issue as you. Lots of messages and lots of women ignoring them. I think thats just part of the territory. It is true that some women get dozens or even hundreds of messages a day and it becomes impossible to respond to all of them. I'll tell you a bit from my side of the experience.

Sometimes, when I would reply to someone just to tell them politely that I wasn't interested, I would get a nasty/rude response back from the guy. That could be one reason that women aren't taking the time to respond. They might be tired of getting nasty replies.

If a message from a guy was super short and didn't point out anything specific from my profile to prove that he didn't just copy and paste, sometimes I wouldn't take the time to respond. Make sure to write a few sentences that include specific questions that prove you read her profile. A woman is going to want to know that you're invested in her and not just tossing a line out to every girl quickly. However, I would suggest not to overly complement her on physical characteristics. In the first message, stick with topics related to her hobbies or personality so as to not give off the creepy vibe.

Honestly, dating sites are such a hit and miss. There are going to be hundreds of fails for each successful date. My fiancé was on the site for years before me. He was starting to give up as well.

Another important thing is how you compose your profile. If you care to copy and paste the summary/info on your profile, we might be able to give some feedback on how to make it more successful.

If you have any other questions, let me know! I think dating sites can work and I'd be glad to give more advice. Good luck!

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I also agree: François was not doing anything wrong. But it is difficult to understand. I have never been asked for a date and was refused. My family says I am a nice woman (not a girl anymore??), but it seems nobody feels any kind of attraction of me. Nothing at all -not even asked to go to a party, a get-together... I even signed up in a dating community and just received three messages (but I deleted my account, as I am now afraid of this topic).

I may suggest to ask for something more specific, something you read in her/their profile and that caught your attention. (Or maybe I did not understand.)

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2 hours ago, Couturiere said:

I also agree: François was not doing anything wrong. But it is difficult to understand. I have never been asked for a date and was refused. My family says I am a nice woman (not a girl anymore??), but it seems nobody feels any kind of attraction of me. Nothing at all -not even asked to go to a party, a get-together... I even signed up in a dating community and just received three messages (but I deleted my account, as I am now afraid of this topic).

I may suggest to ask for something more specific, something you read in her/their profile and that caught your attention. (Or maybe I did not understand.)

It's a big world. I'm sure there's someone out there just for you.

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On 6/1/2017 at 6:35 PM, Geraldine said:

Well, I have to say that I'm a little surprised that you look for advices regarding this subject, here.

Don't get me wrong. That's a logical thing to look for help when we have doubts about something. That's normal

Nevertheless, as christians, our first reflex when we have interrogation about anything, should be  to look for spiritual help.

Apart from the basics of don't lie, I don't think the Bible is going to be much guidance on how to fill out a dating profile. What qualities to look for in a wife, yes; dating profile writing/messaging...eh, I'll go with a no. Certainly you can pray about it but not availing oneself of the available wisdom when not opposed to Biblical principles is advisable. I think a lot of help can be gained from other people's inputs if only because they know the dynamics and mechanics better, might point out how certain expressions cast the wrong light etc. 

From what I know, online dating is a tough ride @Francois, hang in there mate and don't pin too many hopes on a reply. If you're up for it I recommend sending your profile to a few people you trust to give you some feedback on it.

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Update.........

 

Firstly I'd like to say thanks for everyone's input. So I started with sending messages about specific things that caught my attention on their profiles. I really showed that I payed attention. So the first one blocked me LOL. To no surprise, I had many unread, ignored, messages still. But a really amazing woman replied back who reciprocated my feelings. We have been in a relationship since 30 June :) And each day is getting better and better. God kept the wrong doors closed just to open the right one at the right time. 

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