NicoleNova

Fiance vs Father

7 posts in this topic

So question, 

When you get engaged, will you be telling your fiance everything or will you keep things that your family says about him from him? My dad recently said some things about my fiance at lunch. It was nothing horrible and worthy of ending a relationship but I believe he should have talked directly to my fiance about it whether than to me when he wasn't around. So anyway, I told my fiance about what my dad said and he was upset that my dad wouldn't directly share this with him but instead talk behind his back to me. So he sent him a text politely asking him to talk to him directly in the future. Even citing that the bible says that's the way we should handle these things. 

My father ignores this text and tells me I shouldn't have told my fiance about our conversation at lunch because it was "between him and I" and says he lost all respect for my fiance because he "butted in." That doesn't make sense because the conversation was about him so how could he have "butted in"? My dad says that I shouldn't tell him everything because "he isn't my husband yet" but you don't go from keeping things from your fiance to telling your husband everything over night. A good relationship is built on complete openness and honesty. Am I right? Or am I missing something? You have my permission to be brutally honest. 

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Your father is wrong and I don't know why he'd attempt to undermine your relationship to your future husband by telling you to keep secrets from him. You're not his anymore and he needs to adjust to it before the wedding or he'll continue to be a problem.

Congrats btw!

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Wait until he finds out you told the internet! :lol:

Just kidding. It's hard to answer not knowing the issue or particulars but I'll try to put myself in the situation. I tend to agree with you. I probably would have told my fiance, though my father wouldn't say anything expecting me not to tell as I'm not very close with him. He would anticipate it and probably wouldn't be bothered by it. I also can understand your father's perspective given the situation. For example, if you asked him his opinion that would be different than his freely offering it, and therefore I believe you would owe him some privacy in return for his answer. I'm not sure if this was the case or not. So to answer the main question: it depends, but realistically family should expect two individuals preparing for marriage to share everything relevant with one another.

I think circumstances like this can ultimately result in greater closeness between people given they are properly resolved. Your father being open about an issue he had with your fiance gives your fiance the opportunity to potentially rectify the matter and gain in his confidence, a chance he wouldn't have if your father kept silent. Honestly, I'm not sure if his texting your father in that manner was the best approach, as it may have been better to initiate with an apology for his shortcoming and asking how he can be a better son in law to him in the future. Then say he would prefer to address anything directly so you don't have to become a mediator between the two for life.

Congratulations on taking the next step, and I wish you all the best! ^_^ 

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Personally, I feel that if I'm engaged then I should start treating the relationship as I would my marriage, aside from sex. That being said, I would tell my husband things, especially pertaining to himself. I would even expect my mom (my dad has nothing to do with my life) or my best friend to understand that I discuss things with him. If something concerns me, or makes me feel uneasy, or I simply don't know what to do, he's the one I'm going to talk with first. If my family, or friends, have a problem with that then they don't understand the relationship I want to have with him. They are wrong. Plain an simple. No matter the situation. The only reason I'd talk to someone else first is if I needed advice on how to approach something with him, even then I'd try to just go to him. However, even if they said something about him, without him around, I'd feel like they were disrespecting him, and my relationship with him...and I'd definitely talk to him about it.

However, there is one reason it would be ok for them to say something without him around...abuse. If they see him treating me  in a way that is disrespectful or abusive, then it's ok.

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Hard to judge. We don't have any way to know if the conversation was something that should just be between you and your father or if it is something that should be said to your fiancé.

Also, I don't have any way to know how respectful and polite your fiancé was via his text or whether he was snarky and disrespectful.

My default opinion, not knowing enough of the details to really go any further is to say that confidential conversations should stay confidential.

Lastly, at this point he is just a guy you are dating (as I don't know how well the father knows him...you aren't married, you just intend to marry at this point). He ISN'T your father's "son" (in-law) so I'm not sure (not knowing details) how pushy and confrontational this is to have some guy get preachy about what he does and does not talk to his own daughter about. Without knowing all the relationships and how close everyone is with each other, all I can hypothesize about is that your father is close with YOU and has a deep relationship with YOU, hence I don't know how appropriate or out of bounds this was for some guy he may or may not be close to, to come confront him out of the blue about what he can and can't talk about with his own daughter.

If they air isn't cleared and the situation diffused a long-long riff may have just formed between all three of you.

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A little more info, my dad wasn't saying anything bad but just wondering why he does things differently than us and then was accusatory of him, saying he does it only to hold on to old traditions. Dad knows that I believe in total openness with the man I marry, good or bad (unless that thing has absolutely nothing to do with me or him but just a friend's secret for example) I innocently told my fiance what dad had said and the concern that he expressed. My fiance wasn't sure when he would have seen him next so he wrote out a text (which granted maybe he should have just waited anyway but all we can do now is learn from this). He was not snarky or rude but requested that my dad talk to him about it and not JUST me. He didn't say my dad couldn't talk to me but that he wants to be included so he could speak for himself. We are a Christian household so he included a link to a verse that says you should confront each other directly when you have an issue or concern. I know, a lot of people don't like hearing verses to prove they are wrong but I assure you we weren't just trying to prove him to be wrong but trying to help all of us to grow and if my dad had given us a different verse, we would have read it and have tried to learn from that one as well.

My dad blew up about this text made all kind of accusations, called me names, blocked me from leaving the house and even took my phone from me for a time so I couldn't call/text my fiance. I am a grown woman and these are controlling and abusive behaviors and it is not okay. It became a pattern for my dad to corner me while insulting me and my fiance and not allowing me to talk. If I tried to go in my room, he would call me a coward. All the while, he won't talk to my fiance face to face. I live at home until I marry and have no where else to go because my fiance and I don't believe in living together until we are married. If it gets too bad, I will sleep at his apartment and he will sleep in the car but we don't want it to come to that obviously. I am scared to be at home now and have snuck in to take a shower or just to sleep and out to go to church. I don't believe anyone will physically hurt me but cornering me and not allowing me to leave is an emotional abuse that has left me traumatized each time that it happens. I don't know what to do, I am at the end of my rope and it feels like I only have my fiance, a couple friends and God with me. 

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Oh no! I'm so sorry things are this bad, @NicoleNova. :( Your father has overreacted tremendously. I agree it is psychologically unhealthy for you. I'm also concerned for your well being and hope you can find a temporary (or not so temporary) living situation if things don't change really soon. :unsure: 

Now here's my attempt to generally assess the situation, which may be entirely off base, in which case I truly apologize in advance:

I don't think any one person is entirely at fault here. While your father has behaved far from perfect for obvious reasons, I also believe the text your fiance sent did not conform to proper etiquette even if it did quote the Bible. The reason being the most important thing to give a parent in law is respect. If your father gave you a Bible scripture, like you mentioned, it would be different because he is your father and is supposed to correct you. It seems your father still wants to be the head male and your fiance trying to correct him, especially on a spiritual level, has threatened his identity and ego. Perhaps he even interpreted it as a challenge. He doesn't want to lose control and is acting out to either gain control back or obtain evidence that you care about him still (as he can see you're on your fiance's side and feels he is losing you or has no influence on you). If you want to work things out with your father, though I can certainly understand why you would not, you could approach him in different ways that address the aforementioned issues.

I hope this dispute is resolved as soon as possible. Stay safe. :unsure:

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