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Choosing a Guy Who is a Godly Leader

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When you are choosing a guy to date/court/marry, be SURE you are choosing someone who has godly leadership qualities.  God designed husbands to be the leaders in marriage.  That does not mean that a wife is not as valuable as a husband in God’s sight.  Men and women are of equal value to God (Galatians 3:28).  But God designed marriage to be a living picture of the relationship between Christ and His church – the husband represents Christ and the wife represents the church.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”  Ephesians 5:22-24


Many women get REALLY upset about the word “submit” today.  Feminism has taught all of us that women are to be “equal to” or “better than” men.  It is wonderful that we can have so many opportunities to work and to be paid equally for an equal job now.  But in marriage, even though husbands and wives are of equal value, God designed each with specific strengths and weaknesses and with specific roles to fill that complement one another.   A wife who is constantly struggling for control in marriage will find that she either ends up with a VERY angry, disrespected-feeling husband or a VERY angry passive husband who unplugs from the relationship and leaves her to handle everything on her own.  Neither of these situations give a woman the intimacy she yearns for, and neither of these scenarios provides a stable, nurturing, godly environment for children to be reared.  God designed marriage.  He designed masculinity and femininity for His purposes. We will find the best, most fulfilled, most peaceful, joyful life when we embrace His ways!  Yes, this stuff is very counterculture and NOT politically correct.  But the needs God gave to men and women haven’t changed just because feminism came on the scene.  Just look at what the ideas and goals of feminism have done to marriages and families in our society over the past few decades – there is nothing but destruction in its’ wake!  We must decide to look for God’s design and to get rid of our cultural way of thinking if we are going to find what godly femininity, godly masculinity and godly marriage are made of!

The word “submit” means “to rank under” – it is a military term.  Whenever God gives us an authority over us: government, teachers, parents, husbands  -He does it for our protection, for our good, to provide for us and to lead us through that authority.  Some people in authority do misuse their power – and they are responsible to God for their abuse of others!  But the concept of authority is life-giving and protective!  It actually brings us great freedom and joy!  This is not about who is “better” it is about the positions God assigned us as leader and helper in marriage.  Both partners need to bring ALL of their intelligence, skills, abilities, passion, and personhood to marriage to give to each other, to become one, to have unity!

I love describing submission as being a way to “empower” my husband’s leadership.  I throw all my weight behind my husband’s decisions, wisdom and his sense of what he believes God wants him to do.  I tell him my desires, my feelings, my dreams and goals.  BUT, I then leave them in his hands and depend on God to guide my husband rightly into what is best for me.


I used to try to be in charge of my marriage.   I had no concept of being a follower.  I was very dominant and my husband was passive.  THIS DOESN’T WORK!  A dominant, controlling, bossy, critical, argumentative wife does NOT bring glory to God!  She also repels her man.  A man needs to be in charge.  He is made that way.  And a woman does NOT need to be in charge of the marriage – it is too stressful, overwhelming, anxiety-producing for a wife to try to carry that weight-  she was not made to shoulder that responsibility.  When the husband leads, and the wife joyfully follows him, there is romance, adventure, excitement, and for the wife, there is peace and joy!  And when we follow God’s design for marriage, our marriages properly reveal the mystery of Christ and the church and bring people to Christ!

So we place ourselves UNDER the protection of our husbands, under their leadership, their wisdom and their perspective.  Ultimately, this is not about whether I trust my particular husband in a certain situation – it is ultimately about my trust in God to lead me through my husband.  Do I believe God is big enough to do that????

I actually did NOT believe that for many years in my marriage, and we both suffered the consequences of my lack of faith in God and my lack of faith in my husband.  We didn’t have the emotional and spiritual intimacy I had always wanted.  I was anxious, fearful, and very lonely in my marriage.  My husband was unplugged, passive and quiet.  When I discovered what it meant to really show respect to my husband and to step down and wait on him to lead, our marriage roared to life!  Now I feel peaceful, joyful, adored, cherished, beautiful, desired, protected and well-cared for and my husband feels respected, strong, admired, and energized to lead our family in a godly way that he couldn’t do before.


Study what the Bible says about godly leadership, and look for guys like THAT to fall in love with!  Christlikeness is VERY attractive in a man!  That is what all women want from their husbands once they are married.

The overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkeness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.  He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.  (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)  He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil.  He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap.

Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain.  They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience.  They must first be tested, and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.

I Timothy 3:1-10

These are the qualities to look for in a potential boyfriend or husband!  Your parents may also be able to help you test the character of potential suitors.  Dads are especially valuable here – to interview the young men you are interested in and who are interested in you – to ask them deep and probing questions about their faith, their understanding of the Bible, their motivations, their aspirations and goals.  Your parents can help guard and protect you from a guy who might seem great but has some deep character or spiritual flaws that might wound you terribly in a future marriage.

Choose guys who are committed to abstaining from lust – whether it is pornography, or looking at girls who are walking by and entertaining lustful thoughts.  Choose guys who are committed to your sexual purity and to their own.  Once you are married, you will need to be prepared to give grace, but before you are married, look for God’s best!!  Choose guys who do not have any drug or alcohol addiction.  Keep in mind that any addiction is an idol and a person cannot serve an addiction and God!  He also cannot lead in a godly way if he is ensnared and enslaved to an idol of addiction.  His addiction will ALWAYS come first!  Your needs and your best interests will not be on the radar screen of someone who deals with an addiction.

Thank God there is forgiveness for sexual sin and for addictions!  And you may fall in love with a man who has these things in his past.  But be sure he has a long history of overcoming those failures successfully before uniting with him as his wife or you will suffer GREATLY in your marriage in a way that God does not desire you to!  And your children will also suffer if they are raised at the hands of someone who cannot control an addiction.  I’m so thankful God can take our failures and turn them into victories for His kingdom.  But there are godly men out there.  Of course we cannot have perfection.  But we can find guys who are actively seeking to love God and love people and honor God with everything they are.  Those are the guys who will make the best husbands!

Choose a guy who has an even temper!  An angry man is very difficult to live with!  And whatever anger level you see before marriage will intensify after marriage!  You want a guy who can be gentle, who is in control of his voice and his physical reactions.  You want a guy who will protect you, not hurt you.  Please do not think you can change a violent man!  Do not think that it’s your fault if he is violent.  He doesn’t know any other way to be.  A godly man has self-control and will protect his woman.  Falling in love with an angry man is a sure path to destruction, heart ache and pain.


I pray for each precious girl who reads these words.  Give them Your direction, wisdom and clarity to find the life You most desire them to have!  Let them find Your narrow path that leads to life and find a godly man to be their husband who will represent Christ well to them and their future children.  Prepare these women for being godly wives themselves!  Let them grow in character, maturity and Christlikeness that they might bring great glory to You!


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