Jon

Does it matter?

19 posts in this topic

As we are all children of the same kingdom and we are all made in His image. When dating and looking for your soul mate does age, race, career and educational status matter, If so, why?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Race shouldn't matter - instead culture and upbringing matter for me. As long as we can agree on those things and how this would affect raising our children it should be fine

Age: Personally I would prefer someone a few years older than me - 24 - 27 ideally (any older might be odd since I'm 23 but it is flexible). This would mainly be a maturity thing. They have experienced a bit more of life than I have and so I would be able to respect them easier and look up to them as my husband.  Also I am the oldest out of 3 and so dating someone either the same age or younger is an immediate turnoff and just won't happen. 

Career - This is important. It's got to be something that allows him to have a good work-life balance (shows his support to being around his family). Ideally well-paid with good prospects (since my parents are well to do - bringing someone home without either one of those prospects would be difficult) but if he's just starting up a business or something like that then that's cool too (since my parents are entrepreneurs) 

Educational status - This is also important to me since I went to a Russell group university (I'm not sure what the equivalent of this is in the US), I would also want my future spouse to have gone to university as well (ideally Russell group). This is more for my children as I've seen a lot of families where one person has gone to uni and the other hasn't and you get 1 smart child and the other one struggles at school. My parent's both when to uni and school hasn't really been as much of an issue for us (not that we're all genius' but we haven't struggled at school - we've all been brought up to work hard). Growing up there has been an emphasis on education so if someone has not been to uni that would be a possible deal breaker...HOWEVER if they had a good job, this would override it as their determination to succeed despite not having a degree would be rather attractive - but this would depend on their job. 

Other things that matter for me is their relationship with God - for obvious reasons and that we have similar hobbies. My friends aren't really into the same things as I am such as anime, games, rock/metal/epic/Japanese music etc. It would be ideal as my spouse will be my best friend to have similar interests to me as well. Also the way they they treat the women in their life and their friends is important to. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 19/05/2017 at 10:31 PM, BlackRose said:

Race shouldn't matter - instead culture and upbringing matter for me. As long as we can agree on those things and how this would affect raising our children it should be fine

Age: Personally I would prefer someone a few years older than me - 24 - 27 ideally (any older might be odd since I'm 23 but it is flexible). This would mainly be a maturity thing. They have experienced a bit more of life than I have and so I would be able to respect them easier and look up to them as my husband.  Also I am the oldest out of 3 and so dating someone either the same age or younger is an immediate turnoff and just won't happen. 

Career - This is important. It's got to be something that allows him to have a good work-life balance (shows his support to being around his family). Ideally well-paid with good prospects (since my parents are well to do - bringing someone home without either one of those prospects would be difficult) but if he's just starting up a business or something like that then that's cool too (since my parents are entrepreneurs) 

Educational status - This is also important to me since I went to a Russell group university (I'm not sure what the equivalent of this is in the US), I would also want my future spouse to have gone to university as well (ideally Russell group). This is more for my children as I've seen a lot of families where one person has gone to uni and the other hasn't and you get 1 smart child and the other one struggles at school. My parent's both when to uni and school hasn't really been as much of an issue for us (not that we're all genius' but we haven't struggled at school - we've all been brought up to work hard). Growing up there has been an emphasis on education so if someone has not been to uni that would be a possible deal breaker...HOWEVER if they had a good job, this would override it as their determination to succeed despite not having a degree would be rather attractive - but this would depend on their job. 

Other things that matter for me is their relationship with God - for obvious reasons and that we have similar hobbies. My friends aren't really into the same things as I am such as anime, games, rock/metal/epic/Japanese music etc. It would be ideal as my spouse will be my best friend to have similar interests to me as well. Also the way they they treat the women in their life and their friends is important to. 

Culture and upbringing most definitely matters allot. My first question is what's a Russel group and 2 are you living your life or is your happiness with your future husband dependent on your parents?

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1) Russell group in the UK is I guess similar to the Ivy League in the US - It consists of the top 20 universities in the UK 

2) I don't really understand your question. My happiness with my future husband wouldn't depend on my parents. My happiness with my future husband would depend on myself  (and him but really you as an individual are in charge of your own happiness).  But they are a massive part of my life - we are a very close family so if I brought home someone my boyfriend and they had an obvious issue with him - I would take this into account. Then again, it would depend on what the issue was. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 21/05/2017 at 1:27 PM, BlackRose said:

1) Russell group in the UK is I guess similar to the Ivy League in the US - It consists of the top 20 universities in the UK 

2) I don't really understand your question. My happiness with my future husband wouldn't depend on my parents. My happiness with my future husband would depend on myself  (and him but really you as an individual are in charge of your own happiness).  But they are a massive part of my life - we are a very close family so if I brought home someone my boyfriend and they had an obvious issue with him - I would take this into account. Then again, it would depend on what the issue was. 

Only asked as I was curious, cause you indicated going to your parents a few times, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, it just shows you come from a good family and you were thought well and any well brought up, respectable man, will and should always seek the lady's parents approval in marriage.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@BlackRose That's quite a list. It's going to be very difficult to find a single wealthy man within a 4 year age bracket who has a lot of free time. If he just graduated from a prestigious university with a good graduate degree he'd still be at the starting point in his career (poor with debt) and if he's a successful businessman at 24-27 he's going to be working a lot of hours unless he got into crypto or struck gold with an app. The only alternative being familial wealth which would limit an already limited potential suitor list even further.

Is that the norm in your social circles? It sounds a lot like the segregation between nobility/commoners that happened in Europe before the 20th century. Nothing wrong with it in my view but it's unique to see the perspective offered.

It's difficult enough as a man finding 1.)Christian 2.) chaste 3.) family oriented with anyone in the 18-35 range. :lol: 

ETA: He also has to be a weeb. :P

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, Amarillo said:

@BlackRose That's quite a list. It's going to be very difficult to find a single wealthy man within a 4 year age bracket who has a lot of free time. If he just graduated from a prestigious university with a good graduate degree he'd still be at the starting point in his career (poor with debt) and if he's a successful businessman at 24-27 he's going to be working a lot of hours unless he got into crypto or struck gold with an app. The only alternative being familial wealth which would limit an already limited potential suitor list even further.

Is that the norm in your social circles? It sounds a lot like the segregation between nobility/commoners that happened in Europe before the 20th century. Nothing wrong with it in my view but it's unique to see the perspective offered.

It's difficult enough as a man finding 1.)Christian 2.) chaste 3.) family oriented with anyone in the 18-35 range. :lol: 

ETA: He also has to be a weeb. :P

 

 

I've always been told I have a long list so nothing new tbh haha. I said "ideally" well to do. This includes family and upbringing. Of course this one though isn't as much of a deal breakers at all. What's more important is how they handle money. If they're wealthy but can't handle money well - that's no good at all lol. With wealth, there are other things to take into account and I would see it as part of a whole package - I'm not just looking for someone who earns X amount of money. 

Is what the norm? I don't quite get this part.  Going to uni where I grew up is pretty much assumed unless stated otherwise so dating someone who hasn't is rather a stretch (unless I've missunderstood in which case please elaborate). 

I agree that it is difficult to find any of those things. However I've found those qualities in my female friends, I would want something that makes this man different hence liking anime/manga and music would be highly preferred otherwise I might as well just hang out with them all my life and not get married haha. I feel automatically closer to people who have similar interests to me so that for me is important. Otherwise he's gonna have to really convince me why I should date him if we don't have anything in common apart from Christian, chaste and correct age bracket. 

The reason for 4 years is mainly because my parents are 4 years apart. My mum is 47 and my dad is 51 so I kinda feel like heading to mid-30s is a bit old for me. The oldest I would probably go for is 30 and that for me is REALLY pushing it. 

Weebs for the win though :)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@BlackRose Yeah it's definitely relatable. I'm more on the frugal/scrooge end of the spectrum since my family was briefly homeless when I was little due to some business deals and paperwork delays. Absolutely horrible to experience even if it isn't comparable to living on the street.

Wanting a college degree is pretty normal. Selecting a handful of schools were your partner should have went is a bit odd to me as it isn't common to go to top schools where I live. If I had gone to them then perhaps that would be a factor. Truth be told I don't really see any advantage to getting a college degree for women who want to live a traditional lifestyle but that doesn't apply in this case.

Nothing wrong with common interests or being choosy with who you associate with.

ETA: Money management is also really important as I want to work minimal hours so I can spend time with family and continue my charity activities.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Amarillo I see, I'm sorry to hear that happened - that sounds awful but glad that you've come through it all okay. 

I guess I can see where you're coming from now for the uni thing. The secondary (middle/high school) I went to had about 80% or people attend Russell group universities, hence why it's a requirement for me. However if that wasn't the norm where you lived then this requirement would seem odd. I kinda disagree with a woman wanting to live a traditional lifestyle not to have a degree of some sort therefore. If (God forbid) it all goes pair shaped and she gets a divorce, it's best if she has something stable to fall back on. 

Nice to hear that you're a family orientated person too, it's rare to hear that from people nowadays since my family is important to me too. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@BlackRose

God offers no provision for divorce. People who are remarried or having sex with someone other than the person they were originally married to are committing adultery. Jesus himself said the divorces allowed by Moses and other spiritual leaders were and are wicked and not of God. The only provision Jesus allowed for divorce was in the case of fornication, which can only happen before marriage. Satan's revisions of the Bible and the acceptance of Bible translations that pastors find more palatable for an audience that doesn't value or nurture chastity does not change that fact. I'd go a step farther and say virginity is being attacked directly by many wicked churches who wish to attack the concept of the husband being lord to his wife.

If the above offends any "Christian" reading it then the Word of God, spoken by Christ Himself, is offensive as well. KJV Matthew 5:32

On a more practical sense. There is no "fall back" option for a divorced woman economically speaking. Every study I've seen shows that older divorced single women have some of the highest level of poverty of any group. Anyone with a calculator can see that it's not economically viable to maintain a household with children as an individual. If it were the government wouldn't need to be the man of the house for so many women who strayed. This completely ignores the difficulty of finding a job taking into consideration the complete lack of recent/relevant job history a stay at home wife would have relating to a degree in comparison to fresher peers straight from college.

A lot of critics like to project the image of traditionalists being some dumb hicks living in a trailer when in reality the reason a chaste Christian woman is so valuable is because her peers offer nothing but a defiance of God's Word and economic hardship. Women have been sold on the idea that they can be both woman and a man and it's ridiculous. You'll either earn, or have children that will destroy your ability to make cash in 9 month cycles. I'm not interested in the fake mcmansion multicar lifestyle where family meals involve dropping hundreds on junk food and living in poverty (debt) when the alternative offers so much more.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Amarillo Yes God does hate divorce but it is due to the sinfulness of man that divorce had to be introduced in the first place. The biblical reasons for divorce is ADULTERY/INFIDELITY - NOT FORNICATION. Please get that correct. If you are going to sit there and tell me that a man can cheat on his wife or vice versa and they are not entitled to a divorce then we will have to agree to disagree on this point. There is nothing you can say or do to convince me and I believe that it is a very backward and selfish way of thinking.

I would never divorce my husband but I believe if a spouse cheats, is emotionally, financial or physically abusive, those are all reasonable grounds for divorce as well as reasons why I would divorce my own husband (God forbid that from ever happening). Divorcing on petty disagreements is silly but the above are very serious matters and no-one should be force to stay in an environment like that, especially when it is hazardous to their health and puts their life in danger. Cheating is one of the things I will not tolerate - I personally think cheaters are despicable people. Personally if you believe these are not good enough reasons for divorce then we really have nothing more to say on this matter because I think that is ridiculous. 

I have an issue with the phrase - "women who strayed" - What about the MEN that LEAVE their wives which tends to be the case more often than not. Most of the time it's the men who abandon women. They have sex with them and then vanish once they get pregnant or cheat on them and leave their wife for their mistress/girlfriend whatever. You seem to be placing blame on the woman. If men actually bucked up and supported women in the way that they should - we wouldn't have this mess. But if we have men with your viewpoint not willing to help women and just see them as baby making machines then we are going to keep having the issues that we have today. A lot of women aren't given a choice. 

Now possibly your lifestyle and upbringing have lead to your views as have mine. As mentioned in a previous thread, you came from a much poorer background (than probably myself) so traditionalist value are more true to you. For myself that's not the case. I think if a woman get get an education - she should. If a woman can get a job she should. We are not in the days where women sit around and wait to get married. Why? A lot of women get married later - there's not enough men to go around - there are so many reasons. IF AND ONLY IF  a woman WANTS  to be a stay-at-home wife and they get fulfilment in that then good on them. But it's not practical nowadays and personally to have a good standard of living - both parents must work unless the guy earns a heck of a lot of money. 

"You'll either earn, or have children that will destroy your ability to make cash in 9 month cycles. " - This is because we live in a society that doesn't support working women with families and forces them to make that sort of choice which again is not practical nowadays. That's one of the reasons my parents started a business together so my mum could work at home and look after us which I agree has been really great and because I work with my parents now is also something that I can do in my own life but that's not possible for a lot of women. Looking down on women who want to get a degree or better their lives for their spouse or children - as long as that doesn't become their God of their life, I think this should be fine. However finding a wife with your traditional values will be hard nowadays unless they want this in their own life - this ideology would have me running straight for the hills. Even if they were a virgin and we matched on a lot of things - this would be a deal breaker because I would unfortunately see the guy as very close-minded. 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, BlackRose said:

What about the MEN that LEAVE their wives which tends to be the case more often than not. Most of the time it's the men who abandon women.

You should probably read this article:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/8739533/Women-and-divorce-Goodbye-darling-youre-just-too-dull....html

Quote

But times have changed. Last week, a survey of 101 family lawyers conducted by the consultancy firm Grant Thornton revealed that adultery was no longer the principal reason for break-ups. Instead, the most popular explanation was couples saying they were simply “no longer in love” and had “grown apart”.

Relationship counsellor Andrew G Marshall, author of I Love You, I’m Just Not In Love With You, says he has noted a trend towards such splits. “In the past 10 years, I’ve seen a huge increase in couples who don’t actually hate each other, they just don’t love each other enough to stick at it. Ninety per cent of these marriages would be perfectly serviceable if the people involved would just put in more effort.”

Quote

I say “women”, because they initiate seven out of 10 divorces. Divorce is also soaring among the over-45s, with break-ups in that age bracket increasing by 30 per cent in a decade. The writer Fay Weldon recently said: “Women in their fifties instigate divorce because they are bored and want to be free and single again, not because they want the emotional and sexual excitement of another man.”

The survey in question by the Grant Thornton firm (I made sure to find one that was UK-based especially for you) is found here:

http://www.grantthornton.co.uk/en/insights/uk-statistics-of-divorce-2011-survey-infographic/

I've included the infograph the firm has prepared as well. Please draw your attention to:

Quote

Instigator -- Women were the main petitioners (68%), only four per cent were men and 28% of cases were brought jointly.

 

uk-statistics-divorce-2011-large[1].jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Skald The info is interesting BUT you also missed the fact that I believe divorce for the reasons above/in the articles are petty, ignorant and stupid so they are kind of irrelevant because I don't believe you should be divorcing simply for falling out of love. I don't respect any woman or man divorcing for those reasons. They are wishy-washy reasons and if you can divorce based on those reasons, you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. You chose to stay in love, love is a choice - not an emotion and many people forget that. 

In my opinion the reason you should get divorced are ONLY if you have an affair or there is any type of abuse.

Secondly I'll expand a bit more. Men before getting married tend to get women pregnant and leave them for the next best thing. Within marriage (and outside of marriage)  men have been proven to be more likely to cheat (and get caught for it. Women also cheat but are less likely to get caught so this make the numbers vary as well). They are essentially the ones that "leave" the relationship first whether emotionally, physically, sexually and provide the gateway for divorce. So the fact the women are more likely to initiate the divorce on the grounds of an affair seems fine and would contribute to those high numbers. After an affair - if the innocent party does not want to stay, they should NEVER be forced to. 

Now in the article below

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/are-we-meant-to-be-monogamous-why-people-cheat-open-relationships-and-life-after-an-affair-10097811.html

Quote

After infidelity however, it is also possible for many couples to stay together and redefine their relationship. Somewhere between 20% to 65% of couples stay together after an affair.  But research varies around how many couples can make it work on their own, without therapy. 

It's things like this I am interested in to be honest.  Some people can make  it work and some can't. Figures will always vary for these types of things but I am one of those people that cannot and will not stick around after an affair. God forbid my husband decided to step out of our marriage in any way, shape or form - I will divorce him so quickly and that is a fact. Especially if we have both waited until we were married, I feel like stepping is so disrespectful - there's no real way to come back from that. Especially if my husband has sex with their mistress and then with me - I see that as disgusting. There is forgiveness but there are also different levels of tolerance that we as people have and I tend to see people who have the ability to cheat/ have an affairs/ commit adultery abhorrent. They should not be in relationships - both male and female since they clearly cannot commit. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, BlackRose said:

ADULTERY/INFIDELITY - NOT FORNICATION

Adultery is not given as an acceptable reason for divorce according to Christ.
Matthew 5:32 - "But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery"

Affairs don't even appear on my radar because anyone who's abstinent at my age is probably committed for the long haul. Additionally, infidelity, marital happiness, and odds of divorce are so much lower for virgin couples it's not really the hanging dagger it is for sexually active people. Sort of a tiger never changes his stripes, or stops whoring after marriage in their case, sort of thing.

The rest is just factually incorrect, women initiate divorce, or based on "manning up" so that a woman can become a cheap imitation of a man. Sounds like it's unnatural and ill-fitting for a woman if so many concessions need to be made and an "independent woman" still needs to lean on men, some who don't even know her yet support her with their tax dollars, to live like a man. I'd do some research on what a dual income lifestyle costs from women who've done both. In most cases the woman costs the family money so the lifestyle argument doesn't hold water.

I'm not worried about it being difficult to find what I want as I have faith that what is written in the bible is the word of God. The promises He makes to the faithful include answering our prayers and I know mine will be answered in time. Whether or not a woman wants to live a Christian life and receive the blessings promised is indeed a choice she'll have to make.

ETA: Btw, I was definitely not poor growing up even though I am now. Just the opposite actually. If you have to blame anyone for me being traditional it was my well educated (master's in STEM was starting work toward law) mother who bailed on an embassy position in SK to homeschool me in Texas. She was earning something like 200k/yr back in the 90s when it was actually a lot of money. Inflation sucks. :( My dad's always been a boom or bust (and I mean really bust) kind of guy. Money in that sense  doesn't really mean that much to me now as it isn't ours and doesn't last.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Amarillo This discussion could go on forever and we probably won't reach a conclusion since to me you come across as rather sexist and maybe to you I come across a bit feminist so we're clashing heavily here since we are attacking something from different viewpoints. 

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this topic - I don't agree with anything that you've said but we've derailed the original discussion of this thread and honestly, I have better things to do and more important topics to discuss. 

 

 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, BlackRose said:

@Amarillo This discussion could go on forever and we probably won't reach a conclusion since to me you come across as rather sexist and maybe to you I come across a bit feminist so we're clashing heavily here since we are attacking something from different viewpoints. 

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this topic - I don't agree with anything that you've said but we've derailed the original discussion of this thread and honestly, I have better things to do and more important topics to discuss. 

 

 

That's fine. No worries. I'm definitely sexist. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When dating/looking for my soulmate age does matter to me.  Yes a Christian is a Christian, but I'm not willing to date Grandpa James or Mr. George, etc. lol.  I am young right now and I am hoping to find someone else who is also young.  That being said, I am anti-cougar also, I prefer not to be with a younger guy, and I actually prefer older guys up to 5 years even.  Again, once I encounter the person, other things will come in to play, but that's just my standard preferences for now.  As for race, it does not matter to me, and I am sincere in saying that.  I am attracted to all races and have always been.  Do I have preferences? Yes! Just the same way I do about other outside appearances but my preferences are most definitely not based in stereotypes or anything like that.  Career wise... I don't know honestly. I care, but I wouldn't go as far to set an actual standard besides saying I prefer an educated man.  (also no criminal mastermind or someone who has a morally unsound career ). Think I covered it all:D

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I truly wonder if these women filing for divorce really "fell out of love" with their husbands. I think it is much more probable that they never loved their husband, but merely married out of convenience...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/18/2017 at 11:35 PM, Jon said:

As we are all children of the same kingdom and we are all made in His image. When dating and looking for your soul mate does age, race, career and educational status matter, If so, why?

Age: This is actually important to me. I know people say that age is just a number but I will most likely not be with someone who is more than 4 years older than me or even younger just because it comes down to maturity level. I need a friend not an authoritative figure or someone that I am constantly taking care of. 

Race: Its not more about race but its more about cultural differences. Although I am South Asian, I am fairly western having been brought up in an International American school and also continuing my education here in the United States. Many people think that I would date/marry an Indian guy but it is not true at all. In fact many Indian guys I have met are more traditional and I always seem to clash with them and they often time they think I am too westernized. I was not raised in a traditional Indian way and the fact that I was raised in a Christian household also matters because I can't relate to someone who is South Asian and is Hindu or of other faith. In my boarding school, majority of our teachers were Americans, and we had a lot of students who were biracial or Indians who were living in other countries. So after coming out of a school like that it was tough for me to relate to someone who had just been around Indians.

 I was in an interracial relationship with someone who was from Zimbabwe and one of the reasons as to why I clashed with him was how he viewed women. I was very attracted to him physically but his views were a little challenging for me. So it had nothing to do with his skin color tbh. He had never been pushed like me so it was difficult for him to understand why I spent majority of my undergrad life in the library and why I didn't go to college parties. Now that I have been attending church regularly, most guys I meet are white who happen to have the same views as me. I live in a small town of about 40000 people so we don't have that much diversity here. Most people I interact with on a regular basis are White. Does this mean that I am not attracted to other races ? Absolutely not. But yes I do prefer Christian men who are western and have attended private schools because they tend to understand me more. We don't have as much diversity in our church so I don't meet any other minorities at my church. It is also very rare for me to meet someone who is South Asian and is Christian. Majority of them are Hindus and I don't want to be with someone who is not of the same faith. Maybe this would change once I move to a bigger city ? I am praying that I move to Wisconsin for my graduate studies where I will meet more people. 

Career: I am career oriented hence I expect my boyfriend to be career oriented as well. 

Education Status: Yes this matters quite a lot actually. I would prefer to date someone who is in a demanding field.. someone who is academic so that they understand the stress level and pressure. I am hoping to get a masters in nursing to become a nurse practitioner and health care is not a joke. Its good money but its a lot of dedication and hard work. I would definitely prefer if the person I was with was in health care, law or something which requires you do study a lot lol 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now