XD005

How to come to terms with a partner that may have a past?

10 posts in this topic

So, I think I may have made a topic a bit ago about a slip up I had.

I was going through a serious lack of faith and had a case of the eff-its.

In a previous relationship, my partner had a sexual past and in contrast to my lack of one,

It tore me up inside. Fast forward, we're not longer together and I met this girl who I ended

Up doing a lot more than I wanted to with. In my lack of faith and belief I would find someone who was on the same level as me, I didn't say no, she was a bit manipulative but yeah. Long story short, I ended up doing everything but the dictionary definition of actual intercourse, but yeah, hit pretty much all the other bases and I felt horrible when we broke up. Although we never had actual sex, it's a Grey area if I can even still call myself a virgin. But the whole thing is, I did have some feelings for her. I found out she had a one night stand after we broke up and then I learned that my mate having a past is still something I can't handle emotionally but now with me debatably still being a virgin, is something I may have to deal with which worries me. How can I demand my mate be a virgin when I might not be one in her eyes. So yeah, advice please guys?

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I strongly believe we need to hold ourselves to the same standard that we hold others by. Not trying to sound harsh, but if you have done "everything but..." and you are questioning your own virginity then I don't think you have legitimate grounds to demand a virgin. Now if you happen to end up with a virgin, then awesome. But to actually demand one? I don't see how justify making that a requirement without seeming a bit hypocritical. Now yes, there is a grey area in that everyone's definition of a virgin is different. But we have the tendency to downplay our own mistakes in the past and embellish that of everyone else. I'm not saying that to shame you in any way, but to give you some perspective. You are basically asking how you can legitimately make virginity a dealbreaker when you acknowledge you may not be one yourself.

Your past is not the end of the world and neither is anyone else who has a sexual past. In light of your own past, try to imagine yourself wanting to be with a virgin girl but you're afraid of what she might think of you based on your past. Wouldn't you hope she wouldn't judge you for your past mistakes? Try extending that mindset to a girl who may feel the same way if she was hoping to seek your affections.

It might be fine if you required a girl who didn't have vaginal sex but has done "everything but" But maybe to help you think about things more deeply is how would you feel about a girl who has done "everything but?" Would you consider her a virgin? You can't say no to her but yes about your own self. You have to apply a standard that is consistent for yourself and for other people.

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I would try and work through accepting a girl who has the same level of experience as you. Strictly speaking, it sounds like you still have something to save for marriage. I think it's on the level to go for girls with the same level of experience. But, maybe since you have an extensive past, you would be able to accept a girl who has gone all the way. 

Now, if you want a girl who is close to totally inexperienced, that's probably a bit more thorny. Like you said, you're experienced. It's pretty tough to demand she have no past when you have one. Is it strictly speaking hypocritical? I'm not sure. It's not as though you're saying it is okay for you to have premarital sex but not okay for others to. People bring different things into a relationship, so I'm not sure if it's wrong to want her to bring something into the relationship you don't have (sexual inexperience) since it's likely you'll be bringing something into the relationship she doesn't have. Would it be hypocritical to want a partner who has a good sense of humor if you don't have one? Maybe some would argue it is.

I won't say a non-virgin demanding a virgin isn't a bit unsettling. It probably is. Maybe try and think through why you want a virgin/sexually inexperienced girl. If it's that you want the experience to be new for the both of you, that's largely went out the window already since you have a past. Dictionary definition sex could be new for both of you, but how significant is that when everything else has already been done? Is it insecurity? That's something lots of people, including non-waiters, are able to work through. I don't think spouses feel unhappy with their husband/wife because they're thinking, "Darn, I should have married that other person I slept with."

 

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I think the first thing you should figure out is what your definition of virginity is. If it is the dictionary definition, then yes, you can still consider yourself a virgin because you haven't had actual intercourse yet. If you think a person loses his or her virginity when they engage in other intimate acts that isn't actual sex, then unfortunately you wouldn't be able to call yourself a virgin anymore. I am a very technical person, and so from my own personal perspective, I would still see you as a virgin. I personally feel like dictionary definitions become useless when people start adding on additional meanings of what a word is to them. If people made up their own interpretations of words, despite what the dictionary defines them as, then language and communication as we know it would cease because there are no agreed upon meanings of words anymore, and that is essential for proper communication. But I digress. I think you could still call yourself a virgin, but with purity that has been compromised. From my perspective, engaging in other intimate acts that are not actual sex does not constitute a loss of virginity, but it does constitute a reduction in purity.

But here's the encouraging part: you still have purity left :). You still have the purity of inexperience with actual intercourse that you still can save for your spouse!  I'm a Christian, and the way I see it is that actual sex is the physical act (in addition to the spiritual act of the marriage vows before God) that makes a couple become "one" (I mean, without getting too graphic, if you think about it, the man's and woman's part were designed for such a fit). You still haven't done that, and that is something to be thankful for! So while you've done the "other stuff", you still have that most important intimate act for her :). (And by the way, even though all of us should still avoid doing the "other stuff" to maintain our purity, I do commend you that despite going as far as you did, that you were still able to stay strong and hold back from taking that final step, especially in the heat of the moment which I'm sure is very hard for men.) Ultimately, I think you should focus on being thankful for what you still do have, rather than what you don't have, and that might help you to feel better about yourself.

This mindset might also help with any girl you meet who's done things similar to what you've done. If you can view things from the perspective that (if she also has done "everything but") she still has something saved for her future husband, then that might help you to be accepting of her. I do agree with Vince in that whatever standard you set for others, you must also set for yourself. So if you can't accept a girl who's gone beyond kissing, for example, then you shouldn't expect the girl to accept that you've gone further than kissing. I also don't think it's fair to "demand" that the girl absolutely must have a past that is less than yours. 

Since you say that, "my mate having a past is still something I can't handle emotionally," think of what your mate will have to handle when she learns of your past. If you meet a girl who has a past like yours and are worried that you can't handle it emotionally (perhaps because of worry that she'll compare, or perhaps because you'll imagine what she did with the other guy), here's something you can try because this is a mindset that I tried to have since, as a virgin, I have dated non virgin guys before. When I was with these men, and when I learned of how many girlfriends they've had and some of the things they did with them, I naturally worried about how I would compare. So what I tried to do is figure out in my head what I could do as a wife if we were to get married that would outdo whatever these other girls did with my man. That way, there would be no comparison since I would be his best. I don't know if this will help you or not, but I just thought I'd mention it since that "outdoing" sort of mindset was what I used for certain things back when I used to date non virgin men.

Best wishes in your search for "the one"! :)   

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I was not clear in my original post. I'm fine with a girl who has done other types of sex. Vaginal sex would not be okay for me.
But I can say I haven't done that with complete confidence. That's always been my hard limit/boundary. I just ask that my mate not have gone all the way.
I could care less about other things.

Anyway, I'm back with this woman. I need to break up with her because she is completely toxic for me.
She isn't trying to wait and tries constantly to get me to go all the way with her. If I stay, one day I'm probably going to go all the way
and totally burn my bridge. Thanks for the advice, Innocence. I found your answer the most helpful, not to say any of the other advice wasn't good either.
I know what I have to do and I need to do it quick.

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On 4/25/2017 at 5:03 PM, XD005 said:

So, I think I may have made a topic a bit ago about a slip up I had.

I was going through a serious lack of faith and had a case of the eff-its.

In a previous relationship, my partner had a sexual past and in contrast to my lack of one,

It tore me up inside. Fast forward, we're not longer together and I met this girl who I ended

Up doing a lot more than I wanted to with. In my lack of faith and belief I would find someone who was on the same level as me, I didn't say no, she was a bit manipulative but yeah. Long story short, I ended up doing everything but the dictionary definition of actual intercourse, but yeah, hit pretty much all the other bases and I felt horrible when we broke up. Although we never had actual sex, it's a Grey area if I can even still call myself a virgin. But the whole thing is, I did have some feelings for her. I found out she had a one night stand after we broke up and then I learned that my mate having a past is still something I can't handle emotionally but now with me debatably still being a virgin, is something I may have to deal with which worries me. How can I demand my mate be a virgin when I might not be one in her eyes. So yeah, advice please guys?

Personally I don't think wanting to be with a virgin, even if you arent one yourself, is a demand. I think it's an emotional preference, and maybe one that you need to be secure and happy. If it hurts you to be with people who have a past, you're not a bad or judgemental person for wanting to wait for a virgin. I still believe you can repent for the experience you had and strive to be closer to your original plan to stay a virgin and be with a virgin. I'll let you in on my personal experience:

I am a female virgin. I never wanted to be with a man who wasnt a virgin. But I met a man in exactly your situation, only he decided that he deeply regretted what he had done and wanted to repent for what he did. And immediately, his past didn't matter to me any more, entirely because of the fact that he regretted what he did. Maybe this is just me, but I want to say that what matters most for a girl is what you WANT to be, not necessarily what you've done in the past. As long as, yknow, you're not an abuser who takes that for granted and continually relapses on things you said you didn't want to do. 

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19 hours ago, XD005 said:

I was not clear in my original post. I'm fine with a girl who has done other types of sex. Vaginal sex would not be okay for me.
But I can say I haven't done that with complete confidence. That's always been my hard limit/boundary. I just ask that my mate not have gone all the way.
I could care less about other things.

Anyway, I'm back with this woman. I need to break up with her because she is completely toxic for me.
She isn't trying to wait and tries constantly to get me to go all the way with her. If I stay, one day I'm probably going to go all the way
and totally burn my bridge. Thanks for the advice, Innocence. I found your answer the most helpful, not to say any of the other advice wasn't good either.
I know what I have to do and I need to do it quick.

Why not just tell her that you think your beliefs clash and you don't think a relationship with her will give either of you what you really want? She wants one thing, you want another. Break up and you will both be free to go do what you want. 

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2 hours ago, Yin-Yang said:

Why not just tell her that you think your beliefs clash and you don't think a relationship with her will give either of you what you really want? She wants one thing, you want another. Break up and you will both be free to go do what you want. 

Your right, it is important to believe similar things.
Ironically, I've actually never met a girl who really repented for having sex or chose to recommit herself for marriage.
Maybe that is why I don't seem to ever feel any different. None of the women I've met feel the same way about sex that I do. But, It is indeed an emotional thing. With these women, I always hold back a part of myself I've noticed so it's hard to really develop any deep feelings.
Probably because what happened with my first girlfriend... But thats not fair to any of these women at all. I've always tried to force myself to accept that partners have a past cause I've heard nothing but "get over it" from everyone aside from the people on here. It is best to find someone likeminded. Thanks though for the advice.

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19 hours ago, XD005 said:

Your right, it is important to believe similar things.
Ironically, I've actually never met a girl who really repented for having sex or chose to recommit herself for marriage.
Maybe that is why I don't seem to ever feel any different. None of the women I've met feel the same way about sex that I do. But, It is indeed an emotional thing. With these women, I always hold back a part of myself I've noticed so it's hard to really develop any deep feelings.
Probably because what happened with my first girlfriend... But thats not fair to any of these women at all. I've always tried to force myself to accept that partners have a past cause I've heard nothing but "get over it" from everyone aside from the people on here. It is best to find someone likeminded. Thanks though for the advice.

I have some friends who regret losing their virginity and wish they would have not done it with the wrong person. Idk what your reasons are for waiting but if you feel really pressured to have intercourse with this person you are dating, then you should probably end the relationship. You might feel connected to someone in some way and you might really care for the person but you also have to think about yourself and your own satisfaction. Having been in a toxic relationship I can definitely say that I wasted my time with that person and would never wanna go back. That person had another girlfriend in a different state  and he actually even got married to her recently for the wrong reasons. He led me on waisted my time, gave me false hope and even wanted things to be the same after I had found out everything. Maybe the girl you are dating is loyal or maybe she isn't but a healthy relationship works both ways. Follow your gut and I know it's easy for me to say this but doing the right thing is never easy. 

I know that it might seem like you won't meet girls who would feel the same way about sex but there are a lot of women who will respect your decision. Maybe you are meeting these women in the wrong places ? Idk. Sometimes you need to stop looking and let someone come into your life. Maybe you need to focus on yourself on your goals and the right girl will come along. 

Everyone has a different definition of virginity. To me personally sex is sex doesn't matter if it's anal, oral whatever. There are girls out there who are willing to accept a guys past with sexual history. Trust me we exist lol. I happen to be one of them. If they are willing to respect my boundaries I would date them. I just don't want to date someone who has been with a lot of people sexually or someone who jumps from one girl to another. That's a red flag for whether they would actually be loyal to you or not. 

Past is past and stuff happens and especially men have a harder time controlling their sexual desires/needs. The way god designed is biologically is very different and that's why men have a harder time with waiting. Doesn't mean that guys don't wait, they do but the percentage of male waiters is probably very small. 

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On 10/19/2017 at 0:14 AM, XD005 said:

Your right, it is important to believe similar things.
Ironically, I've actually never met a girl who really repented for having sex or chose to recommit herself for marriage.
Maybe that is why I don't seem to ever feel any different. None of the women I've met feel the same way about sex that I do. But, It is indeed an emotional thing. With these women, I always hold back a part of myself I've noticed so it's hard to really develop any deep feelings.
Probably because what happened with my first girlfriend... But thats not fair to any of these women at all. I've always tried to force myself to accept that partners have a past cause I've heard nothing but "get over it" from everyone aside from the people on here. It is best to find someone likeminded. Thanks though for the advice.

I feel your pain so bad. Seriously. I've heard nothing but "get over it" too. I think it's completely absurd. Especially because a lot of those same people telling me to get over it, also are always saying things like "oh I don't wait til marriage to have sex because sex is one of my emotional needs and I need to make sure it will be satisfied." It's hypocrisy, and needlessly cruel. I don't get why people get irritated when someone confesses they have an emotional/spiritual/physical desire to wait to have sex. I'm like, why do you care. They're being virtuous and pure. Why are you encouraging them not to be.

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