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Rose17

In love with a non-waiter with kids

6 posts in this topic

Hello everyone :)

Well I'm new to this site. I read my first article on here about the 7 emotions you feel when finding out your partner's sexual past. And I found myself in that article and I agree so much with most things on this great site. 

I am 19 and a waiter, i've always been quite mature and I always had believed that having sex was only with the one person who is your true love. So I don't mind being virgin at all andI appreciate christian values and people who have some dignity and respect for their body instead of copying everyone else and having sex just to fit in and be popular.

But recently I have been quite lost and confused. I met a 33yr old guy and he is a  father of 3. He has never been married and had been in an 11yr relationship with his ex until she cheated on him. In total he has had 8 sexual partners. I really love him and we have so much in common. We really click and he's such a nice and sweet person. Before getting closer and our love intensifying, I had nothing against his past. I never even thought of it much. But now we've become much closer and his past has been bothering me a lot. Its all I think about. His ex and how they spent so many years together and had children together. I feel like a nobody. Like I won't be his first at anything,we won't have those first time feelings because he's already experienced most of it. I feel so insecure obssess about his ex. He's been very loving to me and I don't like to think of leaving him. But he said it was my decision and that I was free to go and find the one who suits me the most :,( 

My mum is not too happy about our relationship. But its mostly the 11yr ex and past exes that bother me and we've been having regular arguements about that a lot lately. Plus finding out he started at 14, drank alcohol, did drugs and had an abortion with ex really killed me. I'm so different from all that. 

But I love him so much so I've been ready to put it behind me. Though it hurts me sometimes and its stays on my mind. I'd like some advice please.

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Let me be blunt, you need to end this relationship. Just having to question your relationship like this is a sign that all is not well. 

"I really love him and we have so much in common."

-You might have strong emotions (i.e. "feelings") for him. But, given everything you wrote you certainly don't have much in common at all.

You say you recently found out about his drugs, drinking, and abortion. There's no telling what else you haven't learned of yet. Each one of those is horrible things (and deal breakers for most) but abortion is certainly the worst of those by far! Abortion can be a complicated issue for some, but this case doesn't sound like such a situation (I'm guessing here it was just b/c a new baby would be an "inconvenience"). If a guy was willing to kill his own flesh and blood what else need I say! If one can't love their own children how can they even love someone else! 

Even all morality aside, you have basically stated that you have no shared values. An age difference (within reason) isn't that big of a deal if one shares (and lives by) the same values and faith. But, here there is nothing in common. I can't help imagine that this guy nearly twice your age would love to use your age to make his ex jealous.

He has not just made some mistakes, he has lived his life in error. Now, his future is shaped by that. You are 19 and have your whole life ahead of you. There is no reason you should tie it to his.

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I think you need to sit down with him and discuss this situation. Obviously, in the past, he has had extremely different views about life/relationships/sex. Find out if he still believes those same things or has changed his ways. I mean, does he truly now agree with your decision to wait, or is he just doing it because he "has" to for you? If his values are still so different from your own, I don't think it is a good idea to continue the relationship. This guy is much older than you, and it makes complete sense that you are sad that you won't be able to share firsts with him. I dated someone with a child and I was sad for the same reasons. I broke up with him and found someone (now my fiancé) who everything makes soooo much more sense with. We will get to share those firsts together and he respects and agrees with the morals I brought into the relationship.

Just be careful and don't let the fluttery feelings of your relationship cloud the reality of it all.

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Doing the math that would mean he had sex with 7 different people before he was 22. :o That's a non starter for me even without all of the other issues.

 

Also "ex" druggie, wouldn't even bother to be honest. Drugs don't ever go away regardless of how long someone has been clean.

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if you are Christian you should be seeking the person that God desires you to have and it wouldn't be someone without Christian values that's wants you to sin. 

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On ‎4‎/‎6‎/‎2017 at 9:59 PM, Amarillo said:

Doing the math that would mean he had sex with 7 different people before he was 22. :o That's a non starter for me even without all of the other issues.

 

Also "ex" druggie, wouldn't even bother to be honest. Drugs don't ever go away regardless of how long someone has been clean.

Amarillo, you are so right :). This guy's number of sex partners and his history of past drugs are dealbreakers. I think a virgin should reconsider being with him. I would for sure :D.

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