Would you date someone who has kids?

[armytiger 126]

Especially interested if you are a little older like me because everyone is married or has kids! But I meet a couple of good women who are living for the Lord now but have kids.

[HeWhoWaits 176]

No.

Nothing against them, that's just a "no date" type of situation. I actually won't date anyone who's been married before (even if there are no kids) and I want to marry another waiter who has the same values of sex and marriage that I do.

I'm actually dating someone right now from my church who is also a waiter. We pretty much have the same values on everything. I am very optimistic about this one.

When there are so many women on Earth I'm not sure why you'd pick someone who has a ready made family. I'm mean, I suppose it would be different if I were 40, divorced or a widower with a couple of kids, then I'd be open to it and the pool of women I'd be choosing from (the same age, most likely a similar situation) would probably be in a similar situation. But, being in my early 20's, never haven been married, a virgin, I wouldn't want to pick a woman who already has kids of her own, has already had sex, may or may not have already had a husband. No, that's not what I'd want.

 

[Amber Elizabeth 867]

Only if I had kids myself.

[Geraldine 771]

On 30/03/2017 at 6:44 PM, armytiger said:

Especially interested if you are a little older like me because everyone is married or has kids! But I meet a couple of good women who are living for the Lord now but have kids.

Hmm...

It's not really easy to answer your question 

I will try my best to help you 

What I can understand is that you would want to know if it's a good idea for yourself to date someone who has kids. 

That's perfectly normal that you ask yourself this question...

As you are a christian and as you meet quality ladies who live for Jesus and have the same values as yours,  I think that's understandable.

I would say that the answer depends on two main factors :

1. The will of God for your life and marriage

2. Your values  and your will

At the end of the day, it will be you, who will endure the consequences of your choice wether it's to date or not to date one of those women... and eventually marry her.

So, as you are a christian, it's important for you to seek the counsel of God your Father in this important area of your life through prayer. And also through the meditation of the Bible, and by listenning to the wise advices of serious christians in their faith. He will give you a deep conviction on the subject. And you will be at peace knowing you are in the perfect will of God for your life.

The fact that the lady you might be interested in,  is living for Jesus is a very great point.

But it's not enough  neither to build a quality relationship, nor a good marriage.

If you choose to date her, you will have to assume the consequences of her being still (maybe)  in contact with an "ex" of her because he is the father of the kids.. You can't prevent that situation... If you think you can bear with that...And that you have the conviction that it is God leading you on this path, so go for it... If not, don't follow that path...

You have to think also regarding your values: how do you want to raise the kids and how does she want to raise the kids and so on...

What is your vision of marriage? What is her vision of marriage ? Same questions regarding dating.

Do you both want the same things in life...?

Well, that's plenty of questions that even people who want to date single persons without kids have to ask themselves...

If the reason why you want to date one of these girls is because you are afraid of being single for the rest of your life...I do think it's not a good idea to date her. Because you will date because of fear and not because of love. And that's not a good idea to build a solid relationship...

Well, I hope my answers have helped a little... I pray that God can help you to make the right decision regarding this situation in the name of Jesus. Amen.

I share with you this vid and I hope it will help :

Edit of the vid

 

 

 

 

 

[Invincible 8,024]

In years past I would say yes. But now I'm almost certain I would not.

It all comes down to one simple reason: Her kids will always come first before me. Sure, she could love me very dearly but never as much as she loves her own her own flesh and blood. In the end, I would just be an outsider who came along into their lives later. That's just how it is. I'm not okay with playing second fiddle to someone else in a romantic relationship. I intend to make the woman I'm with my first priority so I expect the same in return. I just don't think that would be fair otherwise.

[PG1 1,730]

I'm going to answer this from the viewpoint of an adult who grew up with a single mom, raised by her, and watching her go through relationships. All I ever wanted was for my mom to be happy. She is not, not when it comes to love, she's just gotten use to not having it. She never met the right guy who could see her specialness, but was also a really good man who could love her children...once, but he was an alcoholic and wouldn't get help. It takes a special kind of man to walk into a situation that isn't ideal, see things he did not think he could accept, and to think that it's all worth it because the individuals involved are all deserving of something special he can give. I, however, never wanted to be seen as a hindrance, a draw back, or the consequence of a previous mistake. A child doesn't deserve that.

If you think the woman is a lovely person,and a wonderful mother, if you think it's possible that you could make each other happy, and you could love her kids as your own, no matter how involved you are in their lives, then go for it. However, if you see them as a problem to overcome? Move on. Seriously, children should be seen as blessings...no matter how they enter our lives, or what our role is. They deserve love, more than even we do...and I don't care if people disagree with me. My cousin has step kids. She calls them her 'bonus kids'. To her they are added blessings, not just something that tagged along in her relationship. She has a wonderful relationship with them, and their kids call her grandma, too.

So, now, I'll answer your question...yes, I would. Actually, I like it better if they have kids, because they understand what it's like to raise them and have responsibility beyond that of a personal matter. Is it a deal breaker? Not at all. It's just that I am helping raise my nephews, like a mother position, and if a guy wants me, they are a part of the package.

So many men, both waiters and not, see women with kids as a problem...they don't seem to care how her situation happened, or the type of person she is. Honestly, I think that's why so many single mothers stay single, or wait to tell about the kids.

Practically every guys I've been interested in has had kids, and I think they are some of the most amazing men I've met. So, in a way, I guess I think people with kids are just more awe inspiring...and I want to be a part of that.

So, maybe I have an unusual outlook on this subject. Not only having been raised by a single mom, but understanding what it means to have children under your care.

I'm sorry if this sounded a bit harsh. That was not my intention. It's just that I've seen kids emotionally distressed too many times because they were considered a problem instead of a blessing.

Ask yourself many questions. Pray. A lot. Love is something that we should pray about, no matter what.

I feel weird saying this, because my views are almost always different than the others here, but this is how I feel.

What I will add is this...if a woman with children sees something worthy in YOU? THAT, my friend, is probably the highest of compliments.

[emily1030 301]

I actually did date someone breifly who had a daughter. He was never married, but had been with his daughter's mother for quite awhile in his past. That relationship ended badly because of our views on waiting until marriage, not because of his daughter. Looking back now though. I'm glad it didn't work out. I'm now engaged to someone who doesn't have children yet, and I'm so beyond excited to share the joy of a family with him for the first time, for both of us. Had I stayed with my ex, our child would have been his second child and we would never experience the firsts together.

Now, I'm 26, if I were older, my opinions might change, because it gets much more difficult to find someone without kids in your 40s and up.

[wny 929]

No, I never would maybe unless I had kids of my own for some reason or I was a widower and her kids were grown or something like that. Firstly, I think I lean more toward not wanting kids of my own even (though I'm undecided on this). If I did have kids, I would want the more traditional setup where we're married and have children who are biologically both ours. 

And this is not even considering the fact I would only marry a virgin.

[Syzygy 233]

I think that there would be a big lack of compatibility between a virgin waiter and a single mother. Your background and experience would be very different from her's. I would especially be wary of singles mothers trying to rope you in to acquire your resources. As she has children by another man (or men!), these are people that you will have to deal with at some point in the future to some degree as well. I personally couldn't see myself raising another man's progeny like that unless I was a widower who was marrying a widow.

[Invincible 8,024]

On 3/31/2017 at 6:37 AM, emily1030 said:

I actually did date someone breifly who had a daughter. He was never married, but had been with his daughter's mother for quite awhile in his past. That relationship ended badly because of our views on waiting until marriage, not because of his daughter. Looking back now though. I'm glad it didn't work out. I'm now engaged to someone who doesn't have children yet, and I'm so beyond excited to share the joy of a family with him for the first time, for both of us. Had I stayed with my ex, our child would have been his second child and we would never experience the firsts together.

So he had a child out of wedlock and he still doesn't believe that waiting till marriage is the way to go? Man, some people just never learn. smh. I'm glad you found the right guy though

[armytiger 126]

On 3/30/2017 at 2:29 PM, PhotoGirl said:

I'm going to answer this from the viewpoint of an adult who grew up with a single mom, raised by her, and watching her go through relationships. All I ever wanted was for my mom to be happy. She is not, not when it comes to love, she's just gotten use to not having it. She never met the right guy who could see her specialness, but was also a really good man who could love her children...once, but he was an alcoholic and wouldn't get help. It takes a special kind of man to walk into a situation that isn't ideal, see things he did not think he could accept, and to think that it's all worth it because the individuals involved are all deserving of something special he can give. I, however, never wanted to be seen as a hindrance, a draw back, or the consequence of a previous mistake. A child doesn't deserve that.

If you think the woman is a lovely person,and a wonderful mother, if you think it's possible that you could make each other happy, and you could love her kids as your own, no matter how involved you are in their lives, then go for it. However, if you see them as a problem to overcome? Move on. Seriously, children should be seen as blessings...no matter how they enter our lives, or what our role is. They deserve love, more than even we do...and I don't care if people disagree with me. My cousin has step kids. She calls them her 'bonus kids'. To her they are added blessings, not just something that tagged along in her relationship. She has a wonderful relationship with them, and their kids call her grandma, too.

So, now, I'll answer your question...yes, I would. Actually, I like it better if they have kids, because they understand what it's like to raise them and have responsibility beyond that of a personal matter. Is it a deal breaker? Not at all. It's just that I am helping raise my nephews, like a mother position, and if a guy wants me, they are a part of the package.

So many men, both waiters and not, see women with kids as a problem...they don't seem to care how her situation happened, or the type of person she is. Honestly, I think that's why so many single mothers stay single, or wait to tell about the kids.

Practically every guys I've been interested in has had kids, and I think they are some of the most amazing men I've met. So, in a way, I guess I think people with kids are just more awe inspiring...and I want to be a part of that.

So, maybe I have an unusual outlook on this subject. Not only having been raised by a single mom, but understanding what it means to have children under your care.

I'm sorry if this sounded a bit harsh. That was not my intention. It's just that I've seen kids emotionally distressed too many times because they were considered a problem instead of a blessing.

Ask yourself many questions. Pray. A lot. Love is something that we should pray about, no matter what.

I feel weird saying this, because my views are almost always different than the others here, but this is how I feel.

What I will add is this...if a woman with children sees something worthy in YOU? THAT, my friend, is probably the highest of compliments.

Wow! Thanks for this! I'm 31a virgin and before this year I was thinking no way would I date a woman with kids... I waiting Because I want to put God first and it use to seem unfair to me to loss the benefit of having only my own kids. After prayer tho I think that way of thinking could be a little selfish especially if you know you could love the child and the person is living for God because you aren't any better than them in Gods eyes. I see both views tho because easing someone else's kid is such a big decision almost like haveing your own. Still haven't made my decision yet but that helps! I think I could be open to it now. 

[PG1 1,730]

5 minutes ago, armytiger said:

Wow! Thanks for this! I'm 31a virgin and before this year I was thinking no way would I date a woman with kids... I waiting for God but that seems unfair to me to loss the benefit of have only my own kids. After prayer tho I think that way of thinking could be a little selfish especially if you know you could love the child and the person is living for God because you aren't any better than them in Gods eyes. Still haven't made my decision yet but that helps! I think I could be open to it now. 

No matter what you decide, I'm glad I could be of help. I'll pray for you.  with prayer, God will lead your heart to where you belong.

[Innocence 71]

Like you, I am also an older virgin (29) and am seeing the dating pool of people in my age range grow smaller and smaller by the year because they're getting married and/or having kids.  Despite that, I personally would not date someone who has kids.  For me, no matter how Godly the person may be, I would not be able to get past the fact of seeing the kids as a reminder of the mistake that the person made in the past, and I would also not be able to cope with having to deal with the person's exes that share the children. 

Everyone is different though, and as others have already said on this thread, definitely seek God fervently on this matter.  If you feel that He is leading you to be with this person, then follow His guidance.  I believe God (if it is His will that you be with this person with kids) will give you peace about being with someone who already has children with other people.  But you definitely will need to have peace about many things because of the situation:

1. You will need to be at peace with knowing you will likely have to interact with the person's exes who are also parents to the kids.

2. You will need to be at peace knowing that if you marry this person, you yourself will become a parent immediately and will miss out on the "honeymoon" years of marriage (as I like to call them) that would involve just you and your spouse getting to spend time together and strengthening the bond between the two of you without any kids as a distraction/added responsibility.

3. You will need to be able to love those children as your own so that they don't serve as reminders of your significant other's mistakes and/or exes.  If you are plagued with reminders of your significant other's past mistakes, I promise you, that will destroy your relationship, and I speak from experience.

You will need to be certain God is leading you in this direction because you feeling like you would be okay and open to someone who has kids is not enough, in my opinion.  One thing that could happen is that even though you might be comfortable early on in your relationship with a person who already has kids, that might change as your relationship deepens with that person. The deeper you fall in love, the more you might start to wish that that person never made the mistake in the first place.  Sometimes, the stronger your feelings for someone get, the more their past mistakes hurt you because you will want to see that person as the one you've always dreamed about, and you know that will never truly be the case because of what they did.  Again, I speak from experience, as this has happened to me.  I'm not saying that this will, without a doubt, happen, but it is a possibility.  That is why I say, again, that you need to be absolutely certain that dating someone with kids doesn't bother you, and God will give you that peace or not, if you seek Him.  If you still desire to date someone who has no children and/or sexual history, don't lose hope because those people are still out there at your age.

I will pray for you that God will give you His guidance as to what decision to make.

[armytiger 126]

Thanks Innocence and everyone else who replied!

[poisson 145]

I will not date a guy who has children out of wedlock or have children with different women. I realize that most men my age are fathers but I rather be single than to settle in my life.

[Dituals 1]

I am very interested in this topic. I have 2 kids and I would like to marry a guy who is younger than me. He doesn't have kids also. He doesn't have a problem but his family is against our relationship. They say that I am overweight. I am planning to undergo a liposuction from a clinic in Windsor, Ontario. It is not for his family, but for my mental satisfaction. Hope we would be 'a made for each other couple'. 

[Blind&Broken 47]

Absolutely not. Not only do I not want to date a woman with kids, I don’t want kids period. I realize that greatly diminishes my prospects, however I choose to believe God has someone for me.

[misskayanne88 11]

I would absolutely date someone with kids. Of course, I have a child myself, but even before I had my son I was okay with dating someone with children. Didn't bother me at all. 

My own biological dad wasn't around growing up, but my mom started dating my step-dad when I was about 6 months old (mom and biological dad were divorced) and when they got married he adopted me. I'm very thankful to God for blessing me with such a great man to call my dad. I have a ton of respect for men willing to love and father a child that isn't theirs. And women too, who love children that aren't biologically theirs. That is a truly loving, selfless person.

The only reason I wouldn't date a man with kids is if there was a ton of drama with the ex. Some people, myself included, do not have exes involved in their child's life at all. The perfect scenario for anyone wanting to date a single parent, imo. I think children, regardless of their parents' mistakes, are blessings, and I personally never judge a person by their past mistakes...so in short, I'd date a person with kids in a heartbeat if they shared my love for Jesus, had a good heart, and wanted to wait 

 

[BlackRose 156]

Absolutely not. That's extra baggage that I'd have to deal with. 

As someone who is only 23 and is still a virgin - it's not smart to deal with a guy who already has kids of their own. Definite deal-breaker for me. 

[Theo 17]

wow, different conclusions, desires, dreams and hopes from different people.. I agree with every one from their perspective. Personally I would not like to marry someone with kids but there is something we are overlooking here.. There is love in the picture, any one here who is looking for some one to marry even though they do not love them? well i guess many will say no, higher percentage and this question is answered by love.

If there is love, you and I will marry anyone with or without a child, lame or right, blind or otherwise.. When you get to love someone, you are headed for happiness and complete joy no matter who they are.

[BlackRose 156]

4 hours ago, Theo said:

wow, different conclusions, desires, dreams and hopes from different people.. I agree with every one from their perspective. Personally I would not like to marry someone with kids but there is something we are overlooking here.. There is love in the picture, any one here who is looking for some one to marry even though they do not love them? well i guess many will say no, higher percentage and this question is answered by love.

If there is love, you and I will marry anyone with or without a child, lame or right, blind or otherwise.. When you get to love someone, you are headed for happiness and complete joy no matter who they are.

I do agree to with the fact that love will change things. However when it comes to children, that is something that I would find out well before dating them. I wouldn't date someone who I am not friends with first and you would be able to tell if they have children from the onset/early on if you are friends. 

The thing I think people fail to understand about love is that it is a choice - not a feeling. You may initially fall in love with someone but I do believe that you can choose who you fall in love with. I choose not to fall in love with someone that has children so it forever will be a dealbreaker. I will love that person in Christ but I cannot fall in love with them to the point that they will become my spouse. Once I see certain qualities in a man that has potential  (after ticking the most important boxes) and they have asked me out (after winning me over), I will decide whether or not to fall in love with that person. There are certain things they need to tick in order for me to fall in love with them in the first place. I would not fall in love with a person who is not a Christian, virgin, has children, lacks integrity etc. This is a decision I have made and acting like people are not in control of something like love is a reason why there is a lot of heartache in relationships right now. 

Mixing up love as an emotion and choice is the reason why so many marriages fail.  People give up when they "fall out of love" with a person. In reality, they might not like the person at that time but it is your own choice to stay in love with that person and overcome those feelings. 

[Theo 17]

On 6/26/2017 at 5:21 PM, BlackRose said:

I do agree to with the fact that love will change things. However when it comes to children, that is something that I would find out well before dating them. I wouldn't date someone who I am not friends with first and you would be able to tell if they have children from the onset/early on if you are friends. 

The thing I think people fail to understand about love is that it is a choice - not a feeling. You may initially fall in love with someone but I do believe that you can choose who you fall in love with. I choose not to fall in love with someone that has children so it forever will be a dealbreaker. I will love that person in Christ but I cannot fall in love with them to the point that they will become my spouse. Once I see certain qualities in a man that has potential  (after ticking the most important boxes) and they have asked me out (after winning me over), I will decide whether or not to fall in love with that person. There are certain things they need to tick in order for me to fall in love with them in the first place. I would not fall in love with a person who is not a Christian, virgin, has children, lacks integrity etc. This is a decision I have made and acting like people are not in control of something like love is a reason why there is a lot of heartache in relationships right now. 

Mixing up love as an emotion and choice is the reason why so many marriages fail.  People give up when they "fall out of love" with a person. In reality, they might not like the person at that time but it is your own choice to stay in love with that person and overcome those feelings. 

I partially agree with you, Yes you have a choice but not on who to love but who to get married to, love is a feeling, an emotion and it can fade, developed or die. I believe it comes from within which is deeper than what i can decide (choice). That deep end is of course built by things you mentioned like beliefs and others which in most cases help us fall for the right person but this does not mean you cannot love purely someone outside your list.

[BlackRose 156]

1 minute ago, Theo said:

I partially agree with you, Yes you have a choice but not on who to love but who to get married to, love is a feeling, an emotion and it can fade, developed or die. I believe it comes from within which is deeper than what i can decide (choice). That deep end is of course built by things you mentioned like beliefs and others which in most cases help us fall for the right person but this does not mean you cannot love purely someone outside your list.

We'll have to disagree on this one. I believe that you can choose who you love. You are not forced to love your family or friends. That is a decision; no-one forces you to love them. If I decided today that I no longer loved them, there is nothing that they can do about it because it is my decision. This is clearly not the case though since I love them all  

Similarly, I have a list and there are fundamental things that a potential spouse would need to tick in order for me to even consider falling in love with them. This is something I strongly believe in so that I can protect my heart and ensure that I don't just give it away which I feel that a lot of people do way too easily. Love for me is based on trust and since trust takes time to build, there is no-way I can just fall in love with someone since I don't trust easily. For me they go hand in hand. 

Your definition on love is based on the fact that it is an illogical emotion (correct me if I am wrong). Therefore according to your definition, it's is completely reasonable to fall in love with someone who may not tick certain boxes from the onset. Mine is based on logical choice and that is where we disagree. I have never had a crush or romantic feelings towards anyone because  I have never met anyone who ticks the fundamental boxes that I require. I do not believe in love at first sight, there is only lust at first sight. As a result, it is impossible for me to fall in love with someone who is not Christian, a virgin (therefore has no children), older than I am, has integrity, has had very few relationships i.e. minimum relationship baggage etc. There are things on my personal list that if they do not have, I can never fall in love with them. I can love them as a friend but not as anything more than that and certainly not as a potential spouse. I admit, I have the ability to write people off very quickly so that also helps in this area when deciding to choose a potential spouse. 

When I see things like, I have fallen in love with this person but they are not Christian or a virgin or X, Y , Z  was fundamental requirement for me  and they do not have it - I personally see it as that person's fault. They opened themselves up in a way where that could happen. Falling in love with someone takes time and if they had stepped back and looked at the situation, they should have been able to take steps to stop themselves falling in love with them.

For me the steps are as follows:  Lust/Infatuation --> Like  --> Love (if you just meet someone randomly). If you are friends, you tend to miss out the lust phase and go straight from like to love which is why some people get hurt more when they fall in love with their friends. That being said feelings and emotions are not switches, they are flames that grow. You can control a flame but this is best done early on, otherwise it is much more difficult to do. 

Over time however, the logical emotion of love will become illogical and you will accept their faults regardless but that doesn't really happen until marriage. It shouldn't really happen before imo. 

[HeWhoWaits 176]

The post was would you "date" someone with children. If the answer is no than you wouldn't be spending the time with each other to even fall in love, so this entire "love" angle seems a little moot. It seems this debate that is beginning about whether or not you'd fall in love with someone with kids or if you could "choose" not to seems moot. If you choose not to date them than that kind of nips things in the bud. It would take a set of very special circumstances to spend great amounts of time with someone you've chosen not to date and chosen NOT to spend that time of time with.

Someone who would date them could spend enough time with that person to get to know them well enough to fall in love. This wouldn't really apply to those who would not date them at all.

[__Egirly__ 1,161]

I would say no at the moment.  I feel I'm too young for that right now, but at the same time I never know who God will send me.