Amber Elizabeth

What would you do if you met a compatible person online and then met an equally compatible person in real life?

11 posts in this topic

So this is a possible situation that makes me hesitant to try to find someone online. And 'tis the Bearded One noted how this would make a good thread topic. So I finally made it. :D 

 

So what would you do if you met a compatible person online and then a short time later you met an equally compatible person in real life?

 

Say you find a really compatible person online. It doesn't have to be on a dating site though. They are very compatible with you and have none of your major deal breakers. You two become friends, and while you two are not in a dating relationship, you both are mutually interested in dating. But the problem is that they live far away, so you two haven't met in person yet or have gone on a date.

So then you have this person you met online and are interested in, but a short while after finding someone online, you meet an equally compatible person in real life that lives where you do or a short drive from there. There is also mutual interest between you and this new person.

Both of these people are equally compatible with you, both of them will make good spouse. And neither of them are lying or pretending to be something they're not. The only thing is is that the first one you found lives far away, while the other lives nearby.

 

If you were in this situation, which person would you pick? Would you chose the online person you found first even though they live very far away and you two haven't met in person yet? Or would you chose the second person that actually lives nearby that you have actually met?

If you chose the second, how would you let the person you found online know that you found someone else? 

What if the situation was reversed and the person you found online met someone else in real life? Because even if you don't find someone offline after finding one online, doesn't mean that the online one won't find someone else where they live.

 

So this possible situation makes me hesitant to find try to find someone online. If I actually ever was in this situation, it's more likely that I would would chose the the second person since they live near me. 

Though there are some situations where I would chose the person I met online, like if I was already pretty emotionally invested  in him. Or if he lived somewhere else in my state and/or he was going to move to my city or at least a short distance from it before we met online.

And if chose the first guy, there's still a chance he could find someone else offline. And if we did meet in person and officially became a couple, doesn't mean the relationship would work out, if we even start dating anyway. I don't know if I really want to waste time and wait around for someone I haven't even met in person, especially since there's no guarantee that our relationship would work out. 

And if I chose the second guy, I don't know how I'll tell the guy I met online about it. But since I have already thought of this situation, if I met someone online, I would bring up this topic and we could discus what we would do if one of us found someone else offline.

And if the online guy found someone else offline, I hope he would tell me that he found someone else, so I wouldn't still think that something between us would happen or wonder why he stopped talking to me online.

 

So what would you do if you were in this situation?

 

 

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Assuming both people are equally compatible and are honest about themselves like you said AND if I had an equal chance of marrying them some day, I would probably choose the online person in almost every case. I base my decision on a couple reasons.

First, I personally want to stick with the person I already have emotionally invested in. Even though no formal agreement of exclusivity has been made yet, I would still feel it's the right thing to do to remain loyal to our connection we established. The other reason why I would choose the online person is because while long distance relationships would be more challenging, it also provides a lot of benefits that close proximity partners don't experience.

When you are in a LDR, you are forced to be completely intentional about the time you do spend with your partner, both apart and especially in the few times in person. You learn to cherish every rare moment you are there physically together and you are less likely to take each other for granted. You also have to stress communication even more so than usual relationships because you have to make up for the time you spend apart. In a way I would feel more secure with a person knowing they are willing to commit to the hardships with me regarding long distance because they believe the relationship and myself are worth the effort. Distance is extremely difficult and if you both can survive that and get married, then that is a test to show how strong the connection is and you can pretty much get through anything.

If the online person told me she found someone else in real life, then I would want her to tell me. I would be really disappointed, but I would just let her go. I don't believe in trying to convince someone to stay. They only stay if that is what they truly wanted.

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Well, if I'd met the guy online first, and we'd talked enough to know we might be great together, I'd go with him first. I'm not going to choose a guy over another guys based only only proximity. It has to do with connection to me, and if I've started developing some level of feelings, and a connection, with the online guy, he's the one that I'd give my attention to. Unfortunately, I tend to become connected to a person more through a chemistry of words rather than in person, at least at first, and it just depends on the conversations on how long that connection might take.

I'd say, first, that if I was talking to a guy and we felt we might have a connection, but we don't know when we're going to meet? I'd probably want to talk to him about just being friends, and keep each other informed as to if we find a romantic interest IRL. That way, if we can meet at some point, and neither of us has met anyone else, we can decide after we meet if long distance is worth it.

Here's the thing. I have no problem doing long distance. However, I've learned that it has to be the right circumstances, and the right person. Meaning, someone who really is serious about trying to make it work, and who will be honest if it's not for him.

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I could never date someone I've never met before. I just don't feel that attraction just through texts or videos. That being said, I would go with the person I met in real life. I'm a family person, I would like to live close to my family and his.

I would just simple tell the online person that I've met someone. And I would hope for the vise versa.

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I agree with Vince here.  All things being equal, I think I would choose the online person.

For several reasons here:

1) Like Vince said, you are already emotionally invested and I want to keep the connection I have with this person.

2) LDR/LDF (long distance friendships) can teach you many things about yourself and even the other person. For example, you can learn to be patience and understanding. You also learn to cherish the moments you have together too. In addition, being separated from each other, in some way can put the pressure off both of you. There is not necessarily a pressure to perform unlike in relationships where you actually meet the person.

3) Long distance relationships are difficult but I think if both of you survive and are willing to make it work it can be worth it.

I would also want the online person to tell me she met someone in real life. Although, I also would be disappointed. I would want to know though. I would be happy for her and do my best to move on.

 

 

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Yay! It's posted :) 

Interesting opinions both ways. In a way I'd feel bad deserting an online relationship for a local one even if we weren't dating exclusively (though I think that would be the case even if it was just local ones). I tend to be with @samaye on this one. Local person has benefit of local family etc. LDR would most likely require one of us forfeiting proximity to friends and family. That in itself is something to carefully consider. It might be fine but at which point do you even address that question? I don't think everyone who is dating online/LD is automatically willing to be the one that does the moving. I would also like to meet the person in person. Being around someone is different than over the internet even if it is over video or something. Depending on how far they live away that can be a considerable expenditure just to meet them. Absolutely could be well worth it. This raises the question who would cover the cost of the flight? The male? Shared? 

I guess this conundrum is another good reason to be upfront and explicit regarding the status of the relationship so people don't get hurt unnecessarily. If it is exclusive, I'd imagine you'd want to get down to brass tacks quicker than in a local relationship considering the obstacles a LDR faces anyway...

Everything being equal (except for a slightly longer relationship with the online person) and that the online relationship is not exclusive, I think it would only make sense to prefer the local one. Purely logistically...Even if you had a slightly better connection with the online person, that can be quickly caught up with by the local person. Imagine if they were both local, both equally compatible, roughly the same connection with both, but one would cost thousands of dollars to spend travel time with, moving, proximity to family/friends issues if married etc. Just because the relationship is online, I don't see why it should be privileged. And sure, it sucks that these factors come into play (especially something like money...) but why wouldn't they this early in the relationship when it's not even exclusive?

@Invincible@Slayerofdragon If you are making your online relationship exclusive despite a very lucrative (for lack of a better word) local option (for lack of a better word), do you think it would be fair to inform the online person first? I think I'd want to know if someone was treating our relationship as exclusive when I haven't given any indication that it is...

4 hours ago, PhotoGirl said:

I'd say, first, that if I was talking to a guy and we felt we might have a connection, but we don't know when we're going to meet? I'd probably want to talk to him about just being friends, and keep each other informed as to if we find a romantic interest IRL. That way, if we can meet at some point, and neither of us has met anyone else, we can decide after we meet if long distance is worth it.

This seems very sensible. *nods head*

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Well, for me it would be a no-brainer, I'd ask out the person I could meet in real life. If the online person wasn't near me than we'd just be internet "friends". I don't do long distance relationships. I'd have no reason to even entertain any ideas about the online person. Them not being physically present would ensure they'd just be an online friendship. I'd try and date the person who I can actually meet and go on a real date with. Someone I know online but who lives three time zones away would never be anything more than a friend I occasionally had contact with.

I said I don't do long distance relationships. The only "but" would be a situation in which I was in a relationship and maybe one of us was moving and the second party was also going to move there as well but maybe a month or two later. We will be reunited shortly but for a short period we are in different spots.

I've got a friend  who lived in Germany for 2 years. He lives in the U.S. now but his girlfriend is Ukrainian and lives in Germany. Ok? How's that going to work. Unless you move permanently to Europe or she moves to the U.S. than things are pretty much over. They are still hanging on though, neither has plans to move at this point. I'm not sure what they are doing.

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1 hour ago, Revan said:

If they're online, they're incompatible.

and your reasoning is....?

 

12 hours ago, 'tis the Bearded One said:

@Invincible@Slayerofdragon If you are making your online relationship exclusive despite a very lucrative (for lack of a better word) local option (for lack of a better word), do you think it would be fair to inform the online person first? I think I'd want to know if someone was treating our relationship as exclusive when I haven't given any indication that it is...

Yes of course. It's only right that we're both on the same page regarding our intentions. I would tell the online person that I intend to move towards something exclusive after meeting in person within an agreed upon time frame within. I would tell her I intend to remain loyal to her even in the process leading up to the relationship being official and would ask if she would do the same. If not, then I'd just part ways. I don't want to keep investing in someone who intends to bail at the sight of a more convenient option.

 

12 hours ago, 'tis the Bearded One said:

Everything being equal (except for a slightly longer relationship with the online person) and that the online relationship is not exclusive, I think it would only make sense to prefer the local one. Purely logistically...Even if you had a slightly better connection with the online person, that can be quickly caught up with by the local person. Imagine if they were both local, both equally compatible, roughly the same connection with both, but one would cost thousands of dollars to spend travel time with, moving, proximity to family/friends issues if married etc. Just because the relationship is online, I don't see why it should be privileged. And sure, it sucks that these factors come into play (especially something like money...) but why wouldn't they this early in the relationship when it's not even exclusive?

Sure, no one can argue that the local option makes more sense from a logistical and practical perspective, especially at the beginning of a relationship. But let's look at a different angle. Between the two options, whose's level of commitment is more valuable? The one who's willing to commit to you when it's convenient or the one who's willing to commit in challenging times? I think the answer is clear. Personally I want someone who doesn't just stick around when it's easy, but also in hard times. If I meet someone who still wants to be with me despite the challenges of distance, that gives me better confidence in that person's capacity to tough things out in the face of adversity. I'm not naive as to say that money and convenience aren't serious things to consider. I am fully aware that in some situations, the practical challenges can make a relationship impossible. But if all initial compatibility were equal, the one who commits despite challenges speaks greater volumes to me. I realize that may not be as important to others as other considerations but it means a lot to me.

I also have to admit I am a bit of a romantic as well. A lot of my willingness to be in a LDR is influenced by my parents. They spent most of their courtship in literally opposite ends of the world with only letter writing and occasional phone calls as means of communication. I think LDRs were even more common back then than they are now. So when I hear some teenager today cry about how their LDR didn't work out because "the distance was too hard," it makes me want to say, "Try it without your smartphone, Skype and online messaging and replace it with letter writing before you tell me how hard it is, kid" :P 

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14 hours ago, 'tis the Bearded One said:
19 hours ago, PhotoGirl said:

I'd say, first, that if I was talking to a guy and we felt we might have a connection, but we don't know when we're going to meet? I'd probably want to talk to him about just being friends, and keep each other informed as to if we find a romantic interest IRL. That way, if we can meet at some point, and neither of us has met anyone else, we can decide after we meet if long distance is worth it.

This seems very sensible. *nods head*

 

1 hour ago, Invincible said:
14 hours ago, 'tis the Bearded One said:

@Invincible@Slayerofdragon If you are making your online relationship exclusive despite a very lucrative (for lack of a better word) local option (for lack of a better word), do you think it would be fair to inform the online person first? I think I'd want to know if someone was treating our relationship as exclusive when I haven't given any indication that it is...

Yes of course. It's only right that we're both on the same page regarding our intentions. I would tell the online person that I intend to move towards something exclusive after meeting in person within an agreed upon time frame within. I would tell her I intend to remain loyal to her even in the process leading up to the relationship being official and would ask if she would do the same. If not, then I'd just part ways. I don't want to keep investing in someone who intends to bail at the sight of a more convenient option.

 

I'm not terribly certain I made myself clear. I read what I wrote that you replied to, and it does appear that I'd drop the guy online if a guy IRL came along. However, I wasn't completely clear. I, actually, do feel closer to how Vince responded here...but with a slightly different view. Being on the same page, we'd agree that we would like to move forward towards meeting and, if all goes well, being exclusive. However, I'd want us to agree that we'd tell each other if, because we aren't committing fully, we meet someone and things become serious with that other person we would tell each other. The thing is, based on my experience with friends and romance, he'd know about the possibility long before me having to tell him outright (which I would still do) because the way I am seeing it is that we'd be close, and I'd want him to know what's going on in my life. The problem FOR ME is that if I have the option of this person that I'm feeling a connection with being something serious and committed in the future? Odds are I'm going to feel, if he indeed does feel the same towards me, a level of commitment to him already. He would know this, as well, because we would discuss it as our feeling grow. If, at any point, he or I feel that we might not meet in a sufficient time to make us happy, or ever meet for that matter, we could just talk it out.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in a very oblique way, is that I'd kind of see us as a couple, without being a couple, but he'd understand that. We would be working towards a common goal and, to me, that is a level of commitment that you have with a teammate, a partner, a lover. What I think should also be considered is what each person needs to flourish, and sustain, in what will be a rough road. What I mean is, I, personally, don't need a lot of physical interaction, but I need communication (texting and video) and time together (be it in person or video). For me, I could go a while on trust, communication, time, and feelings. Some people cannot. I'd expect him to be honest with me.

What it boils down to, is that this kind of thing will work for some, and not for others. Knowing what YOU need in a relationship, or a possible relationship, and the other person being honest about what they need. In fact, I'd almost go so far to say that you both, if you haven't already, should look into some simple questionnaires to give you each an idea if you might be able to. There are a few of them that just ask you a bunch of questions and then they give you an idea of what kinds of things you need in a relationship. It's not perfect, but it is a good way to get a baseline for your needs.

EDIT: I'd like to say that the reason I feel this way is because I would like to believe that I am worth being treated this way, so I'd treat the person I'm talking to this way.

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21 hours ago, 'tis the Bearded One said:

@Invincible@Slayerofdragon If you are making your online relationship exclusive despite a very lucrative (for lack of a better word) local option (for lack of a better word), do you think it would be fair to inform the online person first? I think I'd want to know if someone was treating our relationship as exclusive when I haven't given any indication that it is...

I think I would feel the same with Vince on this one too. I would also make my intentions and feelings known to the other person and do my best to meet her in person.  On the one hand, the seed is planted for both our feelings and on the other hand, I think I would act on wanting to be

exclusive depending upon how she would feel at the moment we meet or even before we met. For example, if both of us notice the feelings are still there after we meet then I would continue to pursue and even take her on a date. If she had feelings for me and vice versa but realized, for example, that there is an ocean between us and she does not want to keep both of our hopes up too much or whatever, then I would take it slowly. I think my actions on exclusivity would depend on the woman. If she is a woman who wants to take things slowly then I think I would react to it accordingly. Although, I would make my feelings and intentions clear.

 

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