Syzygy

Don't Date Someone Who Is "Waiting On You"

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The title of this post sounds counterintuitive but it is true. 

I have seen a number of posts and heard about a number of girls who had boyfriends who said they “were willing to wait”. So far, I have never heard about any of these resulting in marriage. On the other hand, I have read of a number of stories about people who did wait till marriage who are now happily married. 

If you desires a good relationship, you should only date people who are truly waiting. "Willing to wait" or "waiting on someone else" is not really waiting. 

So far, every guy that I have ever heard of who was "waiting" on their girlfriend was doing exactly that! They were waiting for her to drop her standards. They were only hanging around in the hopes of using her. 

Even if someone really did respect their girlfriends decision that is not good enough. At best it is a counterfeit form of morality because they are basing their decision on someone else. Of course, if their girlfriend changed their mind, the "waiting" boyfriend would have no issue with adjusting...

I found two good articles on this subject from the Chastity Project website: http://chastityproject.com/2014/08/dont-date-men-willing-save-sex-marriage/ and http://chastityproject.com/2015/01/still-dont-date-men-willing-save-sex/

Some great quotes from it-

"Because I don’t want a man who acts chastely; I want a man who is chaste."

 "Because a man who would forsake virtue (his or mine) if only I gave him permission is a man whose standards are too low. "

"Because men are capable of more than the world around them says they are. "No guy will wait that long” is a lie, and boys who are taught that turn into men who believe it. But I hold up a higher bar than that for men because I think my future kids deserve a dad who can reach one, because I believe men can reach one, because I believe God created them able to do it."

 

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Lol at first I didn't really get what you meant but now I understand! It isn't necessarily a deal breaker to me if a man isn't a virgin(if a non-waiter really cares for the waiter, I have seen it work out this way), but of course being a virgin is strongly preferred.  

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On 3/7/2017 at 11:48 PM, Syzygy said:

So far, every guy that I have ever heard of who was "waiting" on their girlfriend was doing exactly that! They were waiting for her to drop her standards. They were only hanging around in the hopes of using her. 

Even if someone really did respect their girlfriends decision that is not good enough. At best it is a counterfeit form of morality because they are basing their decision on someone else. Of course, if their girlfriend changed their mind, the "waiting" boyfriend would have no issue with adjusting...

Unfortunately this is true from my experience as well. There are many potential issues that can arise from dating with mismatched beliefs on saving oneself for marriage, even when the outward actions appear the same. I cannot imagine the trust level would be as high as between two committed waiters.

If you date someone who is only "waiting for you," you'll wonder if one moment of weakness on your part would be all it would take because they are unlikely to stop you. In the case of a break up, you'll ponder how long before they find someone else to be intimate with. You may be disappointed to find they rapidly have sex with numerous individuals to move on from you and replenish what they "missed out" on while you were abstaining together. Perhaps the wait will be too much after a certain length of time and they'll break up with you for exclusively sexual reasons. I imagine all these kinds of ruminations would degrade the level of trust and closeness between a couple.

Thank you for providing the excellent quotes. I really enjoyed them. ^_^ 

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I could never be with someone who is didn't choose to wait themselves. I also wouldn't even consider dating someone unless I've gotten to know them as a friend first to see where their values are. That way if you find out the other person isn't waiting as a friend, then you can avoid the awkwardness of them bailing when on a date. If they aren't waiting on their own accord, then I'm not interested.

When you are so attracted to someone, you really want to have sex with that person. Waiting is already difficult enough as it is for one person. I know many couples who are both waiting already have a hard time staying within established boundaries. Without the help of a romantic partner with the same commitment to wait, then the chances are they will fail miserably and go all the way in a moment of weakness.

I also think it kind of defeats the purpose of waiting to be with someone who isn't waiting for themselves. We all wait because we view sex as a special act of intimacy that is meant for our spouse and no one else. Well it really isn't all that special if your spouse is waiting begrudgingly or thinks waiting is a cute idea but ultimately pointless. In your mind, you are saving yourself exclusively to your spouse as a gift. If your non-waiting spouse's mind, you're just another notch under their belt that they happened to marry. That's not even romantic in the slightest but rather It's shows that you're not of the same mind and heart. 

I am waiting to give my future wife a gift that is reserved only for her and no one else. I would feel like it would be a waste to be with someone who didn't understand and appreciate the value of it.

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I generally agree with this, but don't think its the "rule" for all relationships where the man wasn't originally waiting. In other words, I don't believe this kind of thinking should completely deter you from considering someone who isn't waiting in the same way that you are. Here is my reason:

 

My fiancé wasn't planning on waiting until marriage before he met me. But, he was planning on waiting until he was truly in love and committed to someone (which he hadn't been yet). As he got to know me, first as friends and then as a significant other, I was able to explain to him why I valued the idea of waiting the extra step of marriage. Really, our ideals were similar but mine were just a bit more strict and spiritually/religiously based. And he now sees and understands that.

 

While I don't think he'll ever feel AS strongly about it as I do, I know that he is 100% committed to these beliefs and the benefits it will bring to our marriage. I don't feel like he's waiting for me. I feel like he's waiting WITH me. We discuss frequently why this path will do good for us, and I know that he believes this now too.

 

So yeah, if you meet someone who's slept around and doesn't originally see any benefit to waiting, but then agrees to wait for you even though he doesn't agree, that might pose some issues. But if you meet someone who has similar beliefs on the subject and can see themselves shifting your way a bit, then it becomes more of a partner effort. You're in it together, encouraging each other and you both understand why you're making the decisions you make.

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That's great if a non-waiter changes their mind and commits themselves to wait till marriage; but a romantic relationship is not the place to try to change or influence someone else in this manner. As to waiting for someone that one is committed to; marriage is the ultimate commitment. I think waiting till something less than marriage would be a sign of selfishness and a lack of commitment. 

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On 3/18/2017 at 2:56 PM, Syzygy said:

That's great if a non-waiter changes their mind and commits themselves to wait till marriage; but a romantic relationship is not the place to try to change or influence someone else in this manner. As to waiting for someone that one is committed to; marriage is the ultimate commitment. I think waiting till something less than marriage would be a sign of selfishness and a lack of commitment. 

I agree that you shouldn't be trying to change someone, but I think it is healthy to share your beliefs with a potential romantic partner, and they can decide if they feel the urge to change theirs as well. There are many people who have just been brought up in life without the role models to show them this kind of lifestyle and when you share your beliefs with them, their eyes may be opened to a lifestyle they had never considered before, but actually desire deep down.

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Yes, there are many people who have not been brought up with proper guidance and instruction in these matters. I can share my views and beliefs with such a person. However, someone that is not already waiting is not someone that I could consider a 'potential romantic partner'. There is the possibility that someone will falsely say they are now waiting. They might be lying and are waiting for the person to drop their standards. Or secondly, they may have made the decision without thinking it through and will then abandon it as soon as things become inconvenient for their lustful desires. Someone could truly change, but I could not consider them a potential match at the time.

I could only consider someone a 'potential romantic partner' if they share my faith. If someone claims to be a believer but are committing fornication, believers are then commanded to not associate with them (Corinthians 5:11). If someone claimed to a believer but were living immorally then it would indicate that they are either not a real believer or that they know very little of the religion they claim. Neither are attractive statuses.

I once talked to a girl (a waiter) who said that her ex-boyfriend was not virgins. He first said he would wait, but then later said that he couldn't wait any longer and pressured her to change. She stayed with him until he finally broke up with her. The whole scenario could probably been prevented in the first place. At the least, she could have ended things as soon as their boyfriend changed (or just revealed his true motive). 

@Ariel Rose: Many people here have strong preferences about who they could accept or not accept as a romantic partner. Regardless of what someone could accept or not accept in a potential significant other's past; I would say that one should not be with someone that is not presently committed to waiting. Waiters do not automatically equal virgins though. There are plenty of virgins who are not waiting (they haven't had a chance or haven't been successful in changing their "status" or are too shy/awkward, etc.; and then there are waiters who are not virgins (they either regret their past, or were widowed, etc).

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On 3/24/2017 at 9:09 PM, Syzygy said:

Yes, there are many people who have not been brought up with proper guidance and instruction in these matters. I can share my views and beliefs with such a person. However, someone that is not already waiting is not someone that I could consider a 'potential romantic partner'. There is the possibility that someone will falsely say they are now waiting. They might be lying and are waiting for the person to drop their standards. Or secondly, they may have made the decision without thinking it through and will then abandon it as soon as things become inconvenient for their lustful desires. Someone could truly change, but I could not consider them a potential match at the time.

I could only consider someone a 'potential romantic partner' if they share my faith. If someone claims to be a believer but are committing fornication, believers are then commanded to not associate with them (Corinthians 5:11). If someone claimed to a believer but were living immorally then it would indicate that they are either not a real believer or that they know very little of the religion they claim. Neither are attractive statuses.

Damn that's a cynical view of the world you've got there.

Quote

I once talked to a girl (a waiter) who said that her ex-boyfriend was not virgins. He first said he would wait, but then later said that he couldn't wait any longer and pressured her to change. She stayed with him until he finally broke up with her. The whole scenario could probably been prevented in the first place. At the least, she could have ended things as soon as their boyfriend changed (or just revealed his true motive). 

Most people aren't willing to share too much of their private life with others. You'll hear a lot more stories about people not being willing to wait simply because one person can date many people but typically only marries one. I'm sure there are people who were waiting but broke up for other reasons as well. 

Anyways. I think non-waiters can be with waiters. It may take some compromising but it's not like it's an impossible thing. You're going to be waiting a loooong time if you exclude all non-waiters.

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If someone is not presently seriously waiting, then I could never consider them as having relationship potential for myself. Having high standards means you might have to wait longer, but it is well worth it.

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I understand how it would be easy to think this. For some people, needing the other person to be a waiter on their own, and not just for them, is important. That's ok. Everyone needs to follow their own logic and heart. I, personally, choose to believe that, with all of the people in the world, the range of personalities, the differences in general, there are non waiters, both men and women, who can open their hearts to loving someone who has chosen to wait. These are people who see something in us that is worth exploring further, and will wait if the path is marriage. They may not wait for someone who isn't waiting, but they don't sleep with people based on sexual history, rather than the individual themselves, so they would wait for a waiter, or sleep with for someone who isn't waiting. These people, in most cases, have fewer partners because they have sex for love, or a personal affection of someone and not just to sleep around.

I believe that there are men, waiters or not, who would see me and find me worth the wait. I prefer not to make general assumptions. After all, I've had people who've found out about my decision and automatically thought one of two things based solely on that one facet of who I am...they thought I'd be better off if I just got laid, or they thought I am a prude because that's the only reason a person will wait, right? So, I'm never going to make a general assumption about a person based on one factor. I will base them on getting to know them. Taking time on them.

Feeling that you want to be with someone who's chosen this on their own is fine, it's a personal preference. Making the assumption that a person will only be waiting to see if they can break you down because they didn't choose it...that part I disagree with. It's generalizing and, historically, generalizing only proves to be damning.

Also, Me NOT feeling that way doesn't make my standards lower, just different.

Base people on what you get to know about them, not a predetermined assumption. You wouldn't like someone to do that to you, would you? In this instance, it's ok if your choice is that they are wrong for you if they didn't choose it, that's ok, but don't assume that they WON'T, or CAN'T, wait FOR you because they believe you are worth it.

What I'm trying to say is that if your personal preference is to be with a waiter who has chosen it it before you, that's fine, but it's also ok to believe that a person might just be what someone has been looking for and they feel they are worth the wait, because to them sex isn't what it's all about. The connection is.

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