ladyackerman

How to explain waiting for marriage

5 posts in this topic

Hi everyone,

 

New here, and I have a question for the men on the site. I realize men here may not know the answer to this scenario, but maybe you will have some input: 

 

A very common struggle I have in dating is that men do not believe me when I tell them I am saving myself for marriage no matter how clear I am. Then 2 or 3 months pass and it is a big shock to them that I was serious and it ends. Typically I bring this subject up after at least a few dates, I don't wait much longer than that. Many men also don't seem to consider me as their girlfriend unless we are having sexual intercourse. In general, I think that's flawed... even if I wasn't waiting I believe that mentality shows a lack of respect to not commit to someone until sex has occurred. I don't know how to make my intentions more clear from the beginning. I know eventually people reveal their true intentions, but it would be nice to not have to constantly invest 3 months into someone only to find out they didn't believe you. 

 

As an additional note, I've dated men who have agreed to wait in the beginning and then tell me 2 to 3 months down the line they were just agreeing because they didn't believe me and didn't want to stir trouble early on. Don't really know how to rectify this and be more clear...

 

 

Any input would be great! Thank you. 

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The only thing I can say is your filter seems to require some fine tuning.

What do they call the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

My suggestion is to make a list of all them you've dated and list out the reasons why you decided to go out on a date with them in the first place. Why did you choose to give this guy your time?

Then, make a list of guys you rejected and list reasons why you rejected them for a date. This also includes people on the internet.

In order to improve the filter, one must find out how one is filtering.

 

The key thing is that explaining something to someone who doesn't want to hear it is virtually impossible. It's better to simply filter out the guys who will understand rather than dating ones that obviously won't.

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Actually I do have the answer to your problem. It is fairly simple really. Rather than date guys who say they will wait for you, look for guys who made the choice to wait till marriage out of their own conviction.  Guys who aren't waiting will usually tell a girl who is what they want to hear in hopes he will change her mind. But a guy who is waiting out of his own accord is telling the truth. Trust me, it isn't the "cool thing" in our society for guys to say they are waiting. If he is waiting on his own, you know he has the right values you want.

Also it might help to not be so quick to rush into dating when you barely know a guy. When you meet someone new, get to know them as a friend first so you can get a gauge of what kind of guy he is and what his values are. Don't even reveal that you are waiting right away until you've got him to reveal his. That way he won't get the chance to wait for you to change you mind. Instead, find a way to casually bring up the question on his views on sex. If he responds with anything other than waiting till marriage, I wouldn't even bother dating him. Chances are he's not going to respect your choice to wait so it's not worth it. This way you can save yourself from investing months in dating only to have him bail on you. Wait for the guy who won't just wait for you, but is ultimately waiting for himself.

I hope that helps and welcome to the forums :)

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Try vetting the person before you bring it up. If possible, try vetting the person before you even start going out. Get a feel for their values before mentioning yours so you don't have a situation where they're just agreeing. I'm not entirely sure what kind of questions you can ask, but something relating to their faith, their value system, and their future plans might do the trick.

This is the best advice I can offer, unless you can read people very well like I can and can skip right through this.

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