Naturally

Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself?

20 posts in this topic

1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

4. Did you ever feel it was a pejorative term during your teenage years? Do you feel the same way about the term now?

I'm interested in how you feel about the term 'virgin' and if you were ever made to feel less than by others for being one. 

I went to an all-girls Catholic high school and grew up in a bubble of innocence. It was only 4 years ago (21 years old) that I actually learned sex was a thing. Due to the world I grew up in, I was never teased or made to feel bad for being a virgin - not now and nor as a teenager - and perhaps for this reason I harbour no negative feeling towards the title 'virgin'. I am not proud I am a virgin and nor am I ashamed, rather I'm apathetic to the term. 

How about you?

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1) Nope. Never made me feel bad about myself.

2) I've had coworkers tease me about it. They stopped after they realized I didn't care.

3) Don't care what people think... I'm a pro-gun extremist, and half of this country wants to ban my guns. Do I care what they think? No.

4) I think that people use it a a pejorative term, but soon realize it's not when you don't make a big deal out of it.

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1. No, I'm proud to be a virgin.

2. I don't think so.

3. No. Other people's opinion of me doesn't matter.

4. I don't think so.

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1. I never feel bad about being called a virgin per se. I do however, sometimes feel bad over the possibility of remaining a virgin for the rest of my life. It's more of the uncertainty of whether or not I'll ever get the chance to give my virginity to a future wife that scares me sometimes. 

2. It happened once. One "friend" back in college actually got mad at me for choosing to remain a virgin as if it was some horrible crime against him personally. He told me I was wasting my life and I should just "live life."

3. No, I don't. Anyone who criticizes another for a personal choice that doesn't affect anyone else is an insecure idiot. The wise do not concern themselves with the opinions of fools. 

4. No.

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1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

Nope.

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

Kinda. My coworkers would constantly talk to me about it and would say they wanted to try and help me get laid. I drank heavily due to this, because I didn't wanna tell them to shut up. My younger brother says it's because of my weight, and that if I was a normal size I'd have lost it. He doesn't know the depths of my insanity. My older brother mentions something to me about it every damn time I talk to him.

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

Not really. Prospective gfs are usually put off by that. I'm really not caring anymore.

4. Did you ever feel it was a pejorative term during your teenage years? Do you feel the same way about the term now?

No and no.

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14 hours ago, Naturally said:

1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

I've never been afraid of being called a virgin. What has bothered me is feeling excluded or being treated differently for being a virgin. 

14 hours ago, Naturally said:

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

Surprisingly enough I was actually teased more by fellow Christians who were not waiters than by anyone else. It kinda made me question the type of people I wanted to surround myself with. 

14 hours ago, Naturally said:

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

At this point in my life, the only opinions that really matter to me anyone are those of my family. They will always be the ones who will support me and bring me comfort. They love me unconditionally and I can't ask for anything more. 

14 hours ago, Naturally said:

4. Did you ever feel it was a pejorative term during your teenage years? Do you feel the same way about the term now?

I did for a short while after I graduated high school and began dating a girl shouldn't have. My feelings have since changed as I realized it is nothing to be embarrassed about. 

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On February 21, 2017 at 11:50 PM, Naturally said:

1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

4. Did you ever feel it was a pejorative term during your teenage years? Do you feel the same way about the term now?

I'm interested in how you feel about the term 'virgin' and if you were ever made to feel less than by others for being one. 

I went to an all-girls Catholic high school and grew up in a bubble of innocence. It was only 4 years ago (21 years old) that I actually learned sex was a thing. Due to the world I grew up in, I was never teased or made to feel bad for being a virgin - not now and nor as a teenager - and perhaps for this reason I harbour no negative feeling towards the title 'virgin'. I am not proud I am a virgin and nor am I ashamed, rather I'm apathetic to the term. 

How about you?

1. I don't think so, no.

2. Not viciously. I mean, people have thought it weird, sure, and I've had people tell me to 'live life'. I even had an aunt who continuously set me up. Going so far as to tell a man who was 20 years my senior that she thought it would be great if he were my first.

3. Not really. It's my decision, always has been. If they don't agree it doesn't matter.

4. Not really. I didn't realize until later in life just how many people my age were sexually active. I do think that although I grew up thinking people just didn't wait anymore in today's world, that I was pretty lucky in that I was pretty accepted.

 

my only thing about the word is that the definition doesn't allow for those of us who've been raped to call ourselves a virgin. We have to find people, like on here, who accept us as such.

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On 2/22/2017 at 7:15 PM, Invincible said:

2. It happened once. One "friend" back in college actually got mad at me for choosing to remain a virgin as if it was some horrible crime against him personally. He told me I was wasting my life and I should just "live life."

The self-righteousness of some people never ceases to amaze me. 

On 2/22/2017 at 7:15 PM, Invincible said:

3. No, I don't. Anyone who criticizes another for a personal choice that doesn't affect anyone else is an insecure idiot.

AMEN!

On 2/23/2017 at 7:21 AM, Revan said:

My coworkers would constantly talk to me about it and would say they wanted to try and help me get laid. I drank heavily due to this, because I didn't wanna tell them to shut up. My younger brother says it's because of my weight, and that if I was a normal size I'd have lost it. He doesn't know the depths of my insanity. My older brother mentions something to me about it every damn time I talk to him.

I'm sorry to hear of your suffering. It must feel hopelessly difficult shielding your self-esteem from the bombardment of insensitive and ignorant comments.  I can only suggest you own the decision rather than be a victim of it. The negativity surrounding virginity is undoubtedly the reason your brothers and coworkers give you a hard time about it. Asserting that it is your choice will diminish the power these comments have in hurting you and perhaps make your brothers and coworkers understand it's your willful desire to remain a virgin and not the lack of opportunity to "lose it."

I really hope you stay off the drink. Throwing your life away over this is only proving to them that their degradation of you is working. Don't give them the satisfaction. Be strong for all the virgins everywhere who are shamed into conforming. You represent all of us, we're pushing against social norms together. One day you will lose your virginity and your partner will have an unparalleled love and respect for you for the pain that you endured to honour him/her. Be confident in yourself, take their criticisms and jokes in stride with the knowledge that you're making the best decision for you and that it will all be worth it in the end. And if this doesn't help boost your self-esteem, at the very least your cockiness will piss them off.

On 2/23/2017 at 8:46 AM, Jorge said:

What has bothered me is feeling excluded or being treated differently for being a virgin. 

Has this happened? How do these people come to find out that you're a virgin?

On 2/23/2017 at 8:46 AM, Jorge said:

Surprisingly enough I was actually teased more by fellow Christians who were not waiters than by anyone else. It kinda made me question the type of people I wanted to surround myself with. 

Wow! although I shouldn't be surprised, I remember reading somewhere that unmarried Christians are just as likely to be sexually active as unmarried non-religious people.

On 2/23/2017 at 8:46 AM, Jorge said:

At this point in my life, the only opinions that really matter to me anyone are those of my family. They will always be the ones who will support me and bring me comfort. They love me unconditionally and I can't ask for anything more. 

Absolutely! As a child, I used to get very anxious about what people thought about me and then I realised a pattern: these people leave my life!

I started asking myself, will I ever see these people from high school again? from university again? from chemistry lab again? No! these people won't be in my life in 10 years, 5 years, or even 6 months so why am I caring so much that I said something wrong or embarrassing? To hell with it all! It was a breakthrough moment after I felt physically ill from the anxiety. The freedom I now feel from it all is just an enormous sense of relief and calmness.

On 2/24/2017 at 4:41 PM, PhotoGirl said:

I even had an aunt who continuously set me up. Going so far as to tell a man who was 20 years my senior that she thought it would be great if he were my first.

This would be funny if it wasn't so hideously inappropriate. I hope you and your age-appropriate husband can laugh about this some day.

On 2/24/2017 at 4:41 PM, PhotoGirl said:

my only thing about the word is that the definition doesn't allow for those of us who've been raped to call ourselves a virgin. We have to find people, like on here, who accept us as such.

Very good point. The word needs an official definition renovation so this inclusion is widely understood and not left up to individual interpretation.

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30 minutes ago, Naturally said:

Has this happened? How do these people come to find out that you're a virgin?

Yes, it has happened quite frequently. A prime example is like the one you stated from one of your other threads where your opinions are dismissed because you are neither married or have experienced sex. 

 

30 minutes ago, Naturally said:

Wow! although I shouldn't be surprised, I remember reading somewhere that unmarried Christians are just as likely to be sexually active as unmarried non-religious people.

Yes, these were the kind of Christians that would use church as a prowling ground for 'conquests'. They would go to youth group worship nights and get involved in events just to meet girls. 

30 minutes ago, Naturally said:

Absolutely! As a child, I used to get very anxious about what people thought about me and then I realised a pattern: these people leave my life!

I started asking myself, will I ever see these people from high school again? from university again? from chemistry lab again? No! these people won't be in my life in 10 years, 5 years, or even 6 months so why am I caring so much that I said something wrong or embarrassing? To hell with it all! It was a breakthrough moment after I felt physically ill from the anxiety. The freedom I now feel from it all is just an inexplicable sense of relief and calmness.

Yeah! What is up with that? Their opinion only matters for as long as they are in my life. And the people who really care are the ones who will invest their time into my life. They are the ones that will truly care. Most people leave, that is the sad truth. These days I just try and treat everyone the same and give everyone the chance to be a part of my life. You can only do so much to extend yourself for others, they have to make the effort to reach out and want to be a part of your life. :)

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On 2/26/2017 at 0:59 PM, Jorge said:

Yes, these were the kind of Christians that would use church as a prowling ground for 'conquests'. They would go to youth group worship nights and get involved in events just to meet girls. 

What unscrupulous people!

On 2/26/2017 at 0:59 PM, Jorge said:

Yeah! What is up with that? Their opinion only matters for as long as they are in my life. And the people who really care are the ones who will invest their time into my life. They are the ones that will truly care. Most people leave, that is the sad truth. These days I just try and treat everyone the same and give everyone the chance to be a part of my life. You can only do so much to extend yourself for others, they have to make the effort to reach out and want to be a part of your life. :)

Exactly right!

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On 2/25/2017 at 8:27 PM, Naturally said:

I'm sorry to hear of your suffering. It must feel hopelessly difficult shielding your self-esteem from the bombardment of insensitive and ignorant comments.  I can only suggest you own the decision rather than be a victim of it. The negativity surrounding virginity is undoubtedly the reason your brothers and coworkers give you a hard time about it. Asserting that it is your choice will diminish the power these comments have in hurting you and perhaps make your brothers and coworkers understand it's your willful desire to remain a virgin and not the lack of opportunity to "lose it."

I really hope you stay off the drink. Throwing your life away over this is only proving to them that their degradation of you is working. Don't give them the satisfaction. Be strong for all the virgins everywhere who are shamed into conforming. You represent all of us, we're pushing against social norms together. One day you will lose your virginity and your partner will have an unparalleled love and respect for you for the pain that you endured to honour him/her. Be confident in yourself, take their criticisms and jokes in stride with the knowledge that you're making the best decision for you and that it will all be worth it in the end. And if this doesn't help boost your self-esteem, at the very least your cockiness will piss them off.

 

I think you might have misunderstood my comment, in a way. They didn't make fun of me for being a virgin, per se. They merely tried to talk me out of my stance, and/or would, as I said, talk about what my first time would be like, such as "Oh, he's gonna blow all over the room, put a hole in her head," etc. All that nasty stuff, lol. Nowadays I don't go around telling everyone. One of my good friends does that on occasion when we get really drunk and we are around new people, because he loves me and wants to try and hype me up to people, convince them how much of a good person he thinks I am.

I am a little insulted that you would think I'm throwing my life away by drinking... though I understand why you say that, I think. I did leave that job, and no longer go through that, though yes, I still drink. But no, no one will convince me to give up. My mind is pretty much set. The depths of my psychopathy can be seen here. http://forums.waitingtillmarriage.org/topic/5890-reasons-for-waiting/

 

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Hi Naturally 

1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

Not at all, I am grateful that I made this choice during me teen years and haven't looked back. There were instances where I could have been in relationships with women who just wanted physical intimacy , but chose not to as I knew that I would not be able to regain my innocence once I've gone down that road.

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

Not really, not many people know that im a virgin. Lots of people assume that im not, and I don't want to tell them this about me as it would bring up unnecessary  discussions about my upbringing and conservative background.

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

it depends on the people in question, if its my family and close friends , Yes as they want whats best for me . If its just acquaintances then no, as I would not bother justifying my life choices to them 

4. Did you ever feel it was a pejorative term during your teenage years? Do you feel the same way about the term now?

well if you look and listen to mainstream media , its considered normal to move from one intimate relationship to another, and promiscuity is almost sold to us. I always tell myself , don't be fooled by what you think you see. I believe that I will find my soulmate in this lifetime and im sticking to that belief , and will offer myself to her only.

Thank you for the forum topic :)

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22 hours ago, Naturally said:

What unscrupulous people!

Yes, thankfully I don't hang around such people anymore. Or go to church for that matter. I'm not against the idea of church but it seemed the larger it is the more it seems to attract those only there with 'certain' intentions. I have known men who's only desire was to meet virgins and see how many they could have sex with, even among church going Christians. When I was a staff member for a campus ministry we had a much smaller group (about 100 people as opposed to almost 4000 at my last church) and the quality was almost transparent. They were all Christ seeking, whole-hearted, altruistic people. 

 

22 hours ago, Naturally said:

Exactly right!

The sad thing is that as time goes on less and less people have that desire to be a part of your life. Or maybe it's the quality of people that changes? 

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On 2/28/2017 at 8:01 AM, Red_Fox said:

well if you look and listen to mainstream media , its considered normal to move from one intimate relationship to another, and promiscuity is almost sold to us. I always tell myself , don't be fooled by what you think you see. I believe that I will find my soulmate in this lifetime and im sticking to that belief , and will offer myself to her only.

Too many people follow the expectations of society without questioning whether it's what they really want. Good on you for questioning. The strength of your conviction is very admirable.

 

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1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

I can't say that anyone has ever "called" me a virgin.  That stated, I don't have a problem sharing with others that I am one.  It's not something that I am ashamed of.  I've always been of the mind that saving sex for marriage is the right thing to do and that, I am making the appropriate decision to remain a virgin until I get married.  To be honest, until I joined this forum -- nearly five years ago now -- I sort of lived in a bubble of my own making and just assumed that more people than not remained virgins until they were married.  I was aware that premarital sex was prevalent in our society; I didn't realize just how prevalent.

That stated, while I don't feel bad about myself, it does often hurt that I have never had the intimate, bonding, marital friendship with a woman that, for me, sex would be a part of.

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

I don't ever recall being teased about my virginity.  I'm a big dude with a serious, no nonsense demeanor.  That's a combination that doesn't really inspire teasing from others, particularly the variety of childish, immature non-adults who would misuse their time and energy for something like that.

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

Not really.  I am my own man.  People generally fall in line with me, not the other way around.

I would however, care what people thought if I slept around and, by doing so, gave others the idea that it was acceptable for them to do the same.  My nephew has been in my care his entire life.  I've raised him as my own son.  If he had observed me, for nearly the past eighteen years, bringing women home and into my bed and staying out late or overnight at their houses, what would that have taught him?  What kind of example would that have set for him?  He would think it's perfectly acceptable to carouse around and have sex whenever and with whomever his hormonal whimsy dictated.  Instead, with the example I've set for him, he knows better.  In that regard, I do care what others think.

4. Did you ever feel it was a pejorative term during your teenage years? Do you feel the same way about the term now?

I imagine in some circles it was childishly bandied about as a negative term.  I don't really know for certain though, as I never socialized enough in my teenage years for the subject to ever come up.  Now, as a forty year old adult, I get the distinct impression that most people in my age group view middle aged virginity as an indication that there is something wrong with a person -- either psychologically or physically.  In fact, I've even encountered that attitude on this website.

I seem to have the opposite effect on people's perceptions though.  When you own your virginity -- when your virginity is a conscious decision made by a strong decisive individual, rather than an unfortunate, pitiable thing that happened to a weak person who couldn't manage get rid of it -- you are respected for the choice you made.  People tend to view your virginity the same way you view it.  If you are ashamed of or embarrassed about your virginity then, other people are going to think there is something wrong with you, something you should be embarrassed about.  If instead, you are confident and have no problem with your virginity then, other people will tend not to have a problem with it either.

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22 hours ago, BigMat said:

I would however, care what people thought if I slept around and, by doing so, gave others the idea that it was acceptable for them to do the same.

I share this thought. People knowing I'm a virgin wouldn't bother me as much as people thinking I'm promiscuous.

22 hours ago, BigMat said:

My nephew has been in my care his entire life.  I've raised him as my own son.  If he had observed me, for nearly the past eighteen years, bringing women home and into my bed and staying out late or overnight at their houses, what would that have taught him?  What kind of example would that have set for him?  He would think it's perfectly acceptable to carouse around and have sex whenever and with whomever his hormonal whimsy dictated.  Instead, with the example I've set for him, he knows better.  In that regard, I do care what others think.

Sounds like your nephew has a very good role model.

22 hours ago, BigMat said:

When you own your virginity -- when your virginity is a conscious decision made by a strong decisive individual, rather than an unfortunate, pitiable thing that happened to a weak person who couldn't manage get rid of it -- you are respected for the choice you made.  People tend to view your virginity the same way you view it.  If you are ashamed of or embarrassed about your virginity then, other people are going to think there is something wrong with you, something you should be embarrassed about.  If instead, you are confident and have no problem with your virginity then, other people will tend not to have a problem with it either.

I have noticed this. Although, I think it might be harder for men to convince others that remaining a virgin is a choice and to garner respect for it than for a woman. Because of the whole "key" and the "lock" mindset women might be able to garner more respect for this choice than a man.

Thanks for sharing. 

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1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

Not at all. It is an honorable title. 

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

One time similar to Dave's experience at a previous job about a decade ago. The person soon stopped after realizing that it did not bother me at all. It only aggravates me in that I don't like receiving attention about it from people whose opinions or morals (i.e. lack or morals) I do not share. They only knew because they flat out asked me once. If the situation was repeated today, I'm not sure if I would give a direct answer or just say something like "That is none of your business." Though that might lead to someone making fun of you because they think you won't tell that you are a virgin because you are embarrassed about it (though that is not the case at all). Perhaps one should say yes and start evangelizing- that might scare them off quickly!

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

On this subject, not at all (assuming that 'people' means the bulk of society). I do value the input of people that I respect or share common morals and values, etc. with though.

4. Did you ever feel it was a pejorative term during your teenage years? Do you feel the same way about the term now?

I knew that much of society uses it as a pejorative term. However, I always thought it was a good title to have. I still think that it is a good term.

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1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

I've never been called a virgin but it wouldn't make me feel bad about myself should it happen.

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

Haven't been teased about it but then not many people have the knowledge to tease me about it. 

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

In regard to this issue, not really. I wouldn't like them projecting the negative stereotypes that are popularly held but there isn't much I can do about that except give them the opportunity to realise they don't apply. I'd want them to also know I'm WTMing too. But then, I don't see myself as someone that people would look at and think "He couldn't get laid if he wanted to". What I'm getting at is I'd be annoyed if my deliberate choice to be a WTM virgin gets undermined/twisted into some hypocritical excuse/lie to cover some perceived social/sexual failing. 

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1. Does being called a virgin make you feel bad about yourself? Has it ever?

Nope.  Anytime they do find out I'm always congratulated.

2. Have you ever been teased for it? What happened? How'd it make you feel?

Nope.

3. Do you even care what people think? why/why not?

Nope.  but I've met anyone who thought ill of me for the choice.

4. Did you ever feel it was a pejorative term during your teenage years? Do you feel the same way about the term now?

Nah.  People were generally accepting of your choices.

 

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1. Nah. Honestly I see it as a joke insult at this point. Not that being virgin is a joke, I just mean that people have been spouting that word so much that it lost all of it's supposedly derogatory meaning. I don't take it seriously in the slightest.

2. It hasn't happened to me. For the people I've personally seen it happen to, they kinda just brush it off and nobody cares at the end of the day. Never seen anything really extreme happen.

3. I don't. I always make my own decisions for me. Nobody ever gets in the way of that. I was never the type to follow with the rest of the herd, so I quickly learned to develop that level of apathy.

4. I knew people were using it as an insult, but it never really had that much weight to it. People are capable are saying far more heinous, disgusting and outright despicable things if they want to insult you.

In the end it all doesn't matter to me since I'm glad to still be a virgin. If my life didn't pan out the way it did, I might have regrettably lost it at some point. It's one of the greatest gifts you could ever give your spouse, and not being able to do that would be crushing. I didn't even fully grasp that before coming here. Before I was kind of on the fence of how I wanted to preserve myself, I always had some feeling in my heart about it but was unsure of how to approach it. Now I know that I definitely want to wait until marriage. Interacting with all the great people here is what cemented that in. I don't have to worry about haphazardly throwing it away anymore. I know that somewhere out there, there are people who appreciate and see the value of what I have, and that's all I need. With that, being attacked and ostracized by everybody else would mean nothing to me.

If a man/woman won't date you because you're a virgin, honestly they're doing you a favor. They obviously don't value the same things that you do, and their approach to life will inherently clash with yours. I doubt that kind of relationship would have went anywhere, so you'll both be spared of the time waste. While you will run into people who aren't bothered by it, as soon as they find out you're waiting until marriage they'll either A: try to coax you out of it or B: not bother with you. You gotta be careful. Virginity can act as a filter of sorts, as it can keep away incompatible types of people from you. You just have to be aware that some people will try to take advantage of you for it. In my case, I don't think I will have to worry about it much since I'm committed to WTM with only another virgin WTM partner. But since some of you are a bit more forgiving than I am, I would say to tread carefully.

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