I found my man from God, but he's not a virgin

[OneLovelyBabe 604]

So about a month ago, I decided to FULLY give my whole life and being to Christ. I decided I wanted to let God into ALL of my heart, not just certain areas, and wanted to stop keeping it from God and let my walls come down. I feel better than ever. I also decided to do away with my list of things I wanted in a husband and say "God if it's your will then that's what I want." I said that I wanted who He wanted for me. So a month later, I prayed that God would open doors that needed to be opened, and close doors that needed to be shut. Basically I now have new friends at a new church (which has been kind of hard switching) and a wonderful man who treats me better than anyone I've ever known. Like I've never had a guy treat me with such respect it's ridiculous. 

This man is extremely of God, of the Lord, so sweet, amazing. We are already kind of interested in the same ministries and it's crazy how God's intertwining our paths, and how certain career things are coming into play with certain ministries he has introduced me to. I even heard God give me a word about him. 

So I found out he is not a virgin. I was hoping to find a virgin but I know this is the man that God has for me. So with that being said, here are my insecurities and I need your guys' help. We have only been talking for a month and been official for two days and I found out by asking in a way which maybe was premature so we are just praying on this for now but I told him we should probably wait to talk again. While my flesh is probably more out of control than his, emotionally I at least for now am turned off by the idea of sex. 

1. I kind of picture him having sex with other women which is bothersome and makes me cringe.

2. I worry a guy will be bored when he has sex with me, since he has already had sex. The idea that a guy will be bored when I have abstained all this time makes me mentally turned off since I think that he will be bored having sex.

3. I want a guy to act like it's the first time  and also be patient and take things slow even if it's not his first time. 

4. I worry we will be running into his sexes (exes he's had sex with) and I don't want to look like an idiot and not know who they are 

Please give me your insights on what you all think. This man is absolutely amazing and has blown every idea of mine out of the water, and it's even helped me to better figure out my father daughter relationship with my dad. I've never wanted to cook for a guy ever, but I seriously feel like I need to pull out all the stops for this one. He's ABSOLUTELY amazing. I know God has a way of working things out which I'm sure is what will happen with this, I just thought you guys might be able to give me some insight. And also, I believe that since I finally gave my whole heart to God is the reason why God has blessed me in this area. Ladies if there is hope for me, there is hope for you. HAHAHA!!!

 

[Invincible 7,986]

That's great that you decided to give your entire life to Christ. It seems like He has given you the desires of  your heart with an amazing guy who also loves the Lord as well. If you believe this is the guy that God brought into your life, then you can trust that He knows what He is doing. You even said it yourself. that you surrendered your "list" to God and allow His will to be done in your life. Perhaps the fact that this guy isn't a virgin is God's way of testing you on whether you will continue to trust Him or not. Think about it, if this guy is truly from God to you, do you really think God would doom your sex life to a life time of boredom? I don't think so. It certainly may not be perfect and it will probably be awkward especially the first few times. But that's how it is for everyone. You can trust that your sex life will be a growing and intimate experience. Whatever obstacles that may come along the way will be sorted out because the love and commitment is there.

I understand the desire for a virgin. I want the same for myself as well. But just because he's not a virgin, doesn't necessarily mean he can't have a fresh, "first time" experience after he gets married. I've talked to so many Christian who were non-virgins prior to marriage and they say they hardly remember their previous sexual experiences. That even though they aren't physically virgins anymore, their wedding night still felt like their first times because their exes were a distant memory. In fact, they often say sex with their spouses is so much better than they anticipated because the emotional and spiritual connection was there whereas in the past, it wasn't. If this guy is really as great as you say he is, he's going to have no problem being patient in bed if you guys get married. If he does then he's selfish and not the right guy anyways. He's not going to be focused on himself, he's going to put all his focus on making it the best experience for you.

It's important to communicate these insecurities to him and see whether he will put them at ease. It might be too early in the relationship to talk about them, but I think it should be addressed fairly early on. I think the key thing is to take things slow and constantly pray about your relationship and asking God to be the center of it all.

And if you happen to run into his exes, just look at him with disgust and say, "Really, baby? That was the best you could do back then? I'm so sorry."

I hope that helps.

[OneLovelyBabe 604]

No it definitely helps a lot. I think you're right Vince. It makes me depend on God all the more. Yeah we both agreed after the fact that it was too early on to talk about it. My new accountability partner was mentioning something about not awakening love until the time is right. I feel like we should probably wait a little while (1-3 months) for that talk until we kind of get the whole sexual thing under control. Right now we are establishing habits and finding out new boundaries etc and still learning about each other obviously. 

['tis the Bearded One 658]

Wooot! Lovely to hear! Its a wonderful decision you made in regard to giving all of your life to God. 

Sounds like you've found a promising partner. I wish you all the best  

5 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

1. I kind of picture him having sex with other women which is bothersome and makes me cringe.

Not sure I can give you any advice in regard to that. Maybe find a married couple in your church whose husband committed adultery but they worked through it. I imagine she would have some wise counsel for your feelings. Problem might be finding such a couple...but you could always express the issue to a trusted lady in the church who might be able to pass on/hook you up with someone? You mentioned an accountability partner, which is great. You might also find a couple from church who is willing to be your (and his) mentors through the relationship. 

Another thought, which might be too simplistic and slightly different but...I think there are some things that most people probably don't want to picture even when there is nothing wrong with it. Like one's parents having oral sex...You kiss me with those lips, mom?!  It's like the whole "Don't think of pink elephants thing". I think at some point it will be a passing thought, if at all, and you can be happy that you are with him and his future and his sexes (1st time I heard that term!) aren't.

5 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

2. I worry a guy will be bored when he has sex with me, since he has already had sex. The idea that a guy will be bored when I have abstained all this time makes me mentally turned off since I think that he will be bored having sex.

I wouldn't be worried! Unless there's some trauma, sex isn't really a "Been there done that; No need to repeat" thing. We have a natural desire for its intimacy particularly when it is healthy and fulfilling. Or he has an abysmally low sex drive - in which case the problem is more that his sex drive is so low and not that he is bored with sex or with you.

While you didn't ask it directly. Are you worried that he will be bored because he is at X level (having had sex) and he has to wait and be patient with you to "finally" catch up from your V virgin level? I think that is something you'll discover his attitude towards when the sex issues come up for discussion. If I were the more experienced, I would relish (rather than find boring) leading a virgin partner through the whole sex experience because I would know how great it is and the pleasure and joy they will (hopefully...) experience. It reminds me of this video clip I saw of a (presumably) parent recording their young kid (5 years?) being absolutely ecstatic about catching their first (small) fish!!!! To a grown up who may have caught massive fish while deep sea fishing or whatever this might seem objectively boring but it's not because its sharing in their journey, in their joy, and realising that you got them there and will share the joys of bigger catches to come. 

I'd suggest that he would have some terrible ego problems to be bored with "waiting for you to catch up to his level" or whatever you want to call it. In which case you've got much bigger issues on hand...

 

5 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

3. I want a guy to act like it's the first time  and also be patient and take things slow even if it's not his first time. 

Well, it will be his first time with you. If I were to marry a non-virgin I wouldn't want them to pretend like it's their first time having sex. I wouldn't want that kind of falsity to taint our first time together. I want it genuine. Expressing your needs and expectations regarding his behaviour would be something I'm sure he's expecting to hear (and wanting to) at some point. 

6 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

4. I worry we will be running into his sexes (exes he's had sex with) and I don't want to look like an idiot and not know who they are

Once your relationship progresses, I'd expect he'd be okay with sharing who he's had sex with (on top of who he's had a relationship with). Plus such people can be valuable for "data mining" so you should know who they are anyway. Or does anyone find this a privacy violation? If only because if they are at all still in his (or in my case her) life I'd want to know in case there is any possibility of re-ignited passion popping up in the future. If we'd have a fight/problem during the relationship/marriage and she'd seek solace/advice with an ex or, ah, a sex-ex that would be a big red flag for me right there. *cough* Link *cough*

Hope this helps  

[OneLovelyBabe 604]

11 hours ago, 'tis the Bearded One said:

Wooot! Lovely to hear! Its a wonderful decision you made in regard to giving all of your life to God. 

Sounds like you've found a promising partner. I wish you all the best  

Not sure I can give you any advice in regard to that. Maybe find a married couple in your church whose husband committed adultery but they worked through it. I imagine she would have some wise counsel for your feelings. Problem might be finding such a couple...but you could always express the issue to a trusted lady in the church who might be able to pass on/hook you up with someone? You mentioned an accountability partner, which is great. You might also find a couple from church who is willing to be your (and his) mentors through the relationship. 

Another thought, which might be too simplistic and slightly different but...I think there are some things that most people probably don't want to picture even when there is nothing wrong with it. Like one's parents having oral sex...You kiss me with those lips, mom?!  It's like the whole "Don't think of pink elephants thing". I think at some point it will be a passing thought, if at all, and you can be happy that you are with him and his future and his sexes (1st time I heard that term!) aren't.

I wouldn't be worried! Unless there's some trauma, sex isn't really a "Been there done that; No need to repeat" thing. We have a natural desire for its intimacy particularly when it is healthy and fulfilling. Or he has an abysmally low sex drive - in which case the problem is more that his sex drive is so low and not that he is bored with sex or with you.

While you didn't ask it directly. Are you worried that he will be bored because he is at X level (having had sex) and he has to wait and be patient with you to "finally" catch up from your V virgin level? I think that is something you'll discover his attitude towards when the sex issues come up for discussion. If I were the more experienced, I would relish (rather than find boring) leading a virgin partner through the whole sex experience because I would know how great it is and the pleasure and joy they will (hopefully...) experience. It reminds me of this video clip I saw of a (presumably) parent recording their young kid (5 years?) being absolutely ecstatic about catching their first (small) fish!!!! To a grown up who may have caught massive fish while deep sea fishing or whatever this might seem objectively boring but it's not because its sharing in their journey, in their joy, and realising that you got them there and will share the joys of bigger catches to come. 

I'd suggest that he would have some terrible ego problems to be bored with "waiting for you to catch up to his level" or whatever you want to call it. In which case you've got much bigger issues on hand...

 

Well, it will be his first time with you. If I were to marry a non-virgin I wouldn't want them to pretend like it's their first time having sex. I wouldn't want that kind of falsity to taint our first time together. I want it genuine. Expressing your needs and expectations regarding his behaviour would be something I'm sure he's expecting to hear (and wanting to) at some point. 

Once your relationship progresses, I'd expect he'd be okay with sharing who he's had sex with (on top of who he's had a relationship with). Plus such people can be valuable for "data mining" so you should know who they are anyway. Or does anyone find this a privacy violation? If only because if they are at all still in his (or in my case her) life I'd want to know in case there is any possibility of re-ignited passion popping up in the future. If we'd have a fight/problem during the relationship/marriage and she'd seek solace/advice with an ex or, ah, a sex-ex that would be a big red flag for me right there. *cough* Link *cough*

Hope this helps  

WOW okay this answers EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. You totally hit the nail on the head with this one. Thank you. I think you're right it's an ego issue if a guy is bored. And I think you're right. I think when then time does come to talk, I will learn more. But I'm realizing now that it's a good thing to build that rapport with the person so as not to just learn about their carnal desires, because then it's premature even just talking about it. So it's like having sex after marriage versus getting to know the person and then getting married. It just makes sense to learn about the person and wait until things are more committed. I think I will be able to see what his intentions are regarding that and I'm sure you're right. He said he's been abstaining for about four and a half years now, basically since he became a Christian and accepted the Lord. I guess he hasn't kissed a person in that time except for a girl he used to date last year but it was on the cheek and he said he had felt convicted about it. Which is good to hear he's been waiting that long because to be honest I wouldn't have felt like dating a guy who had only been waiting say a year. So if anything it's like God sent me someone I can at least trust based on their current background however new and changed so I probably wouldn't have wanted to date him any time before now. 

Yeah I'm just trying to trust in the Lord for this. It's not an easy route not dating a virgin but probably God sees me growing in more ways than if he had made it easy and given me a virgin. Like I said I have given up on the idea of what IIIIII want and given it to the Lord so I am open to this it's not a deal breaker, but at the same time there are still walls and insecurities that need to be broken.

I would appreciate any other advice anyone has on staying pure until marriage. I've been "waiting till marriage" but always had slip ups so never successfully. I'm not worried about that with him because he seems like he is SO about the Lord and all of that....but at the same time we are so attraced mentally spiritually etc because it's like we are the people we have been praying for and dreaming of so it's like a whole new LEVEL of attraction you are battling, versus anyone else we have dated in the past. Thank you guys 

XOXOX

[Geraldine 768]

16 minutes ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

WOW okay this answers EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. You totally hit the nail on the head with this one. Thank you. I think you're right it's an ego issue if a guy is bored. And I think you're right. I think when then time does come to talk, I will learn more. But I'm realizing now that it's a good thing to build that rapport with the person so as not to just learn about their carnal desires, because then it's premature even just talking about it. So it's like having sex after marriage versus getting to know the person and then getting married. It just makes sense to learn about the person and wait until things are more committed. I think I will be able to see what his intentions are regarding that and I'm sure you're right. He said he's been abstaining for about four and a half years now, basically since he became a Christian and accepted the Lord. I guess he hasn't kissed a person in that time except for a girl he used to date last year but it was on the cheek and he said he had felt convicted about it. Which is good to hear he's been waiting that long because to be honest I wouldn't have felt like dating a guy who had only been waiting say a year. So if anything it's like God sent me someone I can at least trust based on their current background however new and changed so I probably wouldn't have wanted to date him any time before now. 

Yeah I'm just trying to trust in the Lord for this. It's not an easy route not dating a virgin but probably God sees me growing in more ways than if he had made it easy and given me a virgin. Like I said I have given up on the idea of what IIIIII want and given it to the Lord so I am open to this it's not a deal breaker, but at the same time there are still walls and insecurities that need to be broken.

I would appreciate any other advice anyone has on staying pure until marriage. I've been "waiting till marriage" but always had slip ups so never successfully. I'm not worried about that with him because he seems like he is SO about the Lord and all of that....but at the same time we are so attraced mentally spiritually etc because it's like we are the people we have been praying for and dreaming of so it's like a whole new LEVEL of attraction you are battling, versus anyone else we have dated in the past. Thank you guys 

XOXOX

I'm sincerely happy for you and I think that's awesome that you decided to put Jesus first and foremost in your life. And that he gave you such a beautiful blessing as a reward

As you have the desire  to maintain a pure relationship with this man, I share with you this serie of videos (I just came across them today )

And I pray that it can be a true blessing for you.

I pray the best for you

 

 

[Syzygy 212]

"I even heard God give me a word about him."  "I was hoping to find a virgin but I know this is the man that God has for me."

I know I sound pessimistic, but I am always cynical towards statements like these. I had a friend who said that God told him something similar. My friend said that God told him that the girlfriend he had at the time was going to be his wife. They ended up breaking up and she is now married to someone else.

I wish you well, but I think one needs to be careful that they don't confuse emotional thinking for religious revelation.

 

 

[Buster Cannon 1,430]

On 2/18/2017 at 2:28 PM, Syzygy said:

"I even heard God give me a word about him."  "I was hoping to find a virgin but I know this is the man that God has for me."

I know I sound pessimistic, but I am always cynical towards statements like these. I had a friend who said that God told him something similar. My friend said that God told him that the girlfriend he had at the time was going to be his wife. They ended up breaking up and she is now married to someone else.

I wish you well, but I think one needs to be careful that they don't confuse emotional thinking for religious revelation.

 

Same, I tend to give a side-eye (at least in my head lol) when I hear something like "God told me..." proceeded by how they feel about something. If it's not scripture, it's usually someone using God as a proxy for their emotions. I see this a lot in terms of how Christian culture approaches relationships; "the one God has for you" isn't a biblical idea, and has more roots in the pagan concept of soul mates. The person that you marry is the one that God has for you, as you've formed a covenant relationship. But I digress... 

@OneLovelyBabe I would do some prayer and consult with spiritually mature people in your life if you're having second thoughts. It sounds like he's a pretty good guy, and even though your concerns are definitely legitimate, it may be something that you can personally overlook and go on to have a great marriage. There's no real right or wrong answer here, it honestly depends on how much of a dealbreaker the virginity issue is for you.

[Guest]

My ex used the 'I don't think God wants us to be together' excuse to break up with me so she could marry someone else. Then 8 months after their daughter was born he cheated on her and now she is getting a divorce. So my advice would be to pray and ask for guidance/discernment in making your decision. Also ask for advice from some of the more spiritually rooted members of your church. I will pray for you both and hope that whatever happens is God's will. 

[HeWhoWaits 176]

Are you saying he's a "Godly man" or that you "know" God wants you two together? Did you say it's only been one month? If so, I can understand you could be having those wow feelings but one month is still pretty early. I'm sorry, I don't have much advice nor any suggestions when it comes to dealing with sexual past. I've never been in a relationship with anyone who's had one.

I know it is often quite simple to know God's general will, he has given us his commands on many things but knowing God's specific will for one person such as this is someone God "wants" me to marry, that is a difficult thing. I'm still not even sure if God actually "chooses" people for us so I don't know what to say about that. Could God be specifically leading you two together? Sure. Is he? That can be hard to know. Since it is only one month I'd say there is still a lot to discover still.

I'd just keep praying about it but I'd be hesitant to fall quickly and deeply into the idea of God "wants" you two together. I'd just hope you keep an open mind and try not to fall too quickly for someone and to do your best to take it slow and to not let the emotional heart side of you completely trample the intellectual side. Try to stay rational and to logically weigh things even though it sounds like your heart just wants to fall instantly and magically in love and to declare this is meant to be and God wants it for me. Maybe, just stay in prayer and try not to fall too quickly.

Good luck!

[OneLovelyBabe 604]

On 2/16/2017 at 8:58 PM, 'tis the Bearded One said:

Wooot! Lovely to hear! Its a wonderful decision you made in regard to giving all of your life to God. 

Sounds like you've found a promising partner. I wish you all the best  

Not sure I can give you any advice in regard to that. Maybe find a married couple in your church whose husband committed adultery but they worked through it. I imagine she would have some wise counsel for your feelings. Problem might be finding such a couple...but you could always express the issue to a trusted lady in the church who might be able to pass on/hook you up with someone? You mentioned an accountability partner, which is great. You might also find a couple from church who is willing to be your (and his) mentors through the relationship. 

Another thought, which might be too simplistic and slightly different but...I think there are some things that most people probably don't want to picture even when there is nothing wrong with it. Like one's parents having oral sex...You kiss me with those lips, mom?!  It's like the whole "Don't think of pink elephants thing". I think at some point it will be a passing thought, if at all, and you can be happy that you are with him and his future and his sexes (1st time I heard that term!) aren't.

I wouldn't be worried! Unless there's some trauma, sex isn't really a "Been there done that; No need to repeat" thing. We have a natural desire for its intimacy particularly when it is healthy and fulfilling. Or he has an abysmally low sex drive - in which case the problem is more that his sex drive is so low and not that he is bored with sex or with you.

While you didn't ask it directly. Are you worried that he will be bored because he is at X level (having had sex) and he has to wait and be patient with you to "finally" catch up from your V virgin level? I think that is something you'll discover his attitude towards when the sex issues come up for discussion. If I were the more experienced, I would relish (rather than find boring) leading a virgin partner through the whole sex experience because I would know how great it is and the pleasure and joy they will (hopefully...) experience. It reminds me of this video clip I saw of a (presumably) parent recording their young kid (5 years?) being absolutely ecstatic about catching their first (small) fish!!!! To a grown up who may have caught massive fish while deep sea fishing or whatever this might seem objectively boring but it's not because its sharing in their journey, in their joy, and realising that you got them there and will share the joys of bigger catches to come. 

I'd suggest that he would have some terrible ego problems to be bored with "waiting for you to catch up to his level" or whatever you want to call it. In which case you've got much bigger issues on hand...

 

Well, it will be his first time with you. If I were to marry a non-virgin I wouldn't want them to pretend like it's their first time having sex. I wouldn't want that kind of falsity to taint our first time together. I want it genuine. Expressing your needs and expectations regarding his behaviour would be something I'm sure he's expecting to hear (and wanting to) at some point. 

Once your relationship progresses, I'd expect he'd be okay with sharing who he's had sex with (on top of who he's had a relationship with). Plus such people can be valuable for "data mining" so you should know who they are anyway. Or does anyone find this a privacy violation? If only because if they are at all still in his (or in my case her) life I'd want to know in case there is any possibility of re-ignited passion popping up in the future. If we'd have a fight/problem during the relationship/marriage and she'd seek solace/advice with an ex or, ah, a sex-ex that would be a big red flag for me right there. *cough* Link *cough*

Hope this helps  

Hey guys. Just wanted to say thanks for all the concern and kind words. We are going to one of our friends who used to be a pastor for premarital counseling. (Not just for this) We were originally going to do the program at our church but it didn't resonate with either of us spiritually. So he suggested his friend who had previously been a pastor. At first I didn't know if it would be ambiguous enough since they had had a friendship before so I was blunt and asked him about it which was my only hangup. But after our service I felt it in the spirit to go with his friend and felt like the legalistic side of me wanted to do the church counseling. We both didn't like the systematic setup of it it was a guided thing and not even very personal which we have both mentioned not liking that about the women's and mens studies at the church that are also like that. So we are starting that on Thursday, and another one of our friends who is a couple and getting married soon were talking to us about it, and said all it was was primarily financial, etc etc. He has been working with me every step of the way on walls I've built and life issues and has been very helpful responsive intuitive and just all around amazing. I have decided to take it a little slower, but for us moving fast physically I felt like we needed to at least see where we were at with this and the counseling. His friend was saying it was vital to get the counseling before a marriage which I agree with.