TtW

Looking at others

12 posts in this topic

I thought I saw something like this before, but I couldn't find it. So I'll just ask. I used to hang out with a girl regularly. She is a virgin. However, when we hung out she always drooled over celebrities and pictures of fire fighters. I forget how we got into the conversation, but I told her that I personally didn't like when people did that because it gives off a vibe that you're only settling for who you have, and actually want that person you're drooling over with your friends. She basically laughed at me like I was childish. Then she stopped doing it. Since I moved she started posting pics like that on Facebook saying things like "just because I look at the menu doesn't mean I'll order it." I was wondering am I childish for wanting a relationship where we both don't drool over others even when we're just having "fun conversations" with our friends? 

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Hi TtW :) I hope you're fine ^^

Thank you for having posted this message...

I believe that you're definitively not childish, for wanting the exclusivity in the heart and mind of the person you're dating.

I believe that's perfectly normal and absolutely healthy.

I think that the fact she allows herself to do those kinds of stuffs (drooling over others, posting pictures of firemen on her facebook and so on....) is a total lack of respect toward you (if she had still been  in a relationship with you). And I confess that upsets me.

Look at what she says :

"just because I look at the menu doesn't mean I'll order it." :o:blink:

I think this is absolutely disgusting and irrespectful. Even if she's not  with you, why does she say those stuffs?

That really reveals her character.

Plus, "a menu"?:angry:  So, for her, men are as "meals" (or even objects) she can order or not, depending of wether or not she's hungry?

That's absolutely repulsive for me. That's really impure.

I know that usually it's men making such comments, so I'm a little surprised that a girl can say that. But I know not all girls have high standards in their morality and purity.

I would feel absolutely uncomfortable if a man I was dating would act like that.

I think when we are in a relationship, we owe respect and love to the one we are with. We also owe him/her exclusivity. That makes sense.

If the other person can't do those basic things, why stay with this person? Either this person changes for good, either it's better to be with someone who is totally into you.

That's my opinion.

I believe you made the good decision by moving, even if it was hard.

I hope the best for you.

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Thank you for the response I also want to add I wasn't in a relationship with her I just feel confused because she is a Christian and supposedly wanted to wait but says that's ok to do

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You're welcome :)

Ok, thank you for clarifying, I understand ^^. And I'm glad you weren't in a relationship with her...In that way you have avoided unnecessary heartache....

I think that's normal you felt confused...

Because as christians, we follow Jesus Christ, that means we try to walk with His help, as Himself walked when He was upon earth.

And a true follower of Jesus, doesn't lust. And if he/she does it unwantedly, at least he/she regrets it and doesn't enjoy doing things that God hates.

 And we have to call things by their names : drooling over other people and so on...is called lust. It's not love.

Even people who are not christians know and admit that it's a bad thing to do this.

So, if she does this and feels great while doing this, I think there is something missing in her relationship with God.

I can understand that as christians, we are human beings, and that we are not perfect. That's true. And we all have sinned and still might sin unconsciously sometimes, even when  we didn't want to sin. But at least, we recognise it's a sin. And we try our best to change with the help of God.

But a christian saying it's ok to lust...that disturbs me a lot. That's a lie. 

We have to use our discernment.

Jesus when He died upon the cross gave us whole victory over sin. If we ask for His help to have pure minds and pure souls in order to please Him, He will do it. Without Jesus, we can do nothing. Jesus said :

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from ME you can do nothing. " John 15v5

And it's possible to live a life that pleases to God with His help : 

  " We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps himself, and the evil one cannot harm him "

1 john5v18

I think that's natural to be attracted to the opposite sex. That's how God created us, and that's a beautiful thing. But we have to be careful with all the gifts that God has given to us. We can still remain pure, even if we are attracted to the opposite sex.

God is able to read in our hearts and minds when nobody can. And at the end of the day, we will have to answer before Him in the way we have lived  our lives ( spiritually, emotionnally, physically). We are responsible of that. Believers or non believers.

And He wants to help us to succeed. If we agree...

Ok...that was a long reply of mine :lol::P

I was inspired...:P

Stay blessed and many good things for you ^^

.

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Your answer was very helpful it really helped me a lot thank you

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I don't think I can add anything new after the excellent posts by @Géraldine. ^_^ I hope my writing can help even if it's a repetition of what was already stated.

No, you are not childish. Your relationship expectations are sound. I think it is wrong (and sinful) to objectify other people and repeatedly lust openly without shame, remorse, or striving to improve. It is unladylike and equivalently ungentlemanly, and impure regardless of physical virginity. Not all women are like her in that regard nor do they all participate in such conversations. I know I would feel dirty if I partook in a conversation of that nature.

Similar to you, I look forward to a relationship without this type of commentary and I know it's possible from past experience. It signals to me that someone is considerate, respectful, mature, and better prepared for a romantic relationship. I believe it's ideal to aim for mental and emotional exclusivity in addition to physical exclusivity with one's spouse, and practicing these behaviors in advance of any relationship is beneficial.

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Thank you for responding I'm glad you added that not all girls are that way because I've seen a lot of people doing it more both men and woman and I was starting to think it's just the time we live in

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On Saturday, January 28, 2017 at 8:51 PM, TtW said:

I thought I saw something like this before, but I couldn't find it. So I'll just ask. I used to hang out with a girl regularly. She is a virgin. However, when we hung out she always drooled over celebrities and pictures of fire fighters. I forget how we got into the conversation, but I told her that I personally didn't like when people did that because it gives off a vibe that you're only settling for who you have, and actually want that person you're drooling over with your friends. She basically laughed at me like I was childish. Then she stopped doing it. Since I moved she started posting pics like that on Facebook saying things like "just because I look at the menu doesn't mean I'll order it." I was wondering am I childish for wanting a relationship where we both don't drool over others even when we're just having "fun conversations" with our friends? 

First of all...... I kind of feel like finding her and having a "little" talk (?) With her. Second..... I agree with you. I mean it's nothing wrong with seeing someone and obviously see they are handsome or pretty but just drooling over them I find it distasteful. I know this has nothing to do with religion and I do not want to offend BUT as a believer in Christ we are to look upon others with respect and not lust. It is also written that anyone that looks upon another in a lustful (drooling) manner has already committed adultry. I find that to be a form of cheating and also it shows that the person is shallow and finally..... for her to start posting comments like that towards you because you are a GENTLEMAN and NOT A PIG is just ignorant and if she doesn't get her act together, she'll never find someone as sweet and caring as you are. Thanks for posting this. 

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You're not childish at all. If anything, she is the childish one. There is nothing wrong with admiring famous people or just other people in general. But "drooling" over them? That is pretty immature to be perfectly honest. You know who does that? Teenage girls who are deeply infatuated with stupid boy bands. That's basically who your friend is. Her facebook post makes about as much sense as a guy getting a lap dance from a stripper and claiming he didn't cheat because he never touched her. She is immature and has no business being in any serious relationship until she changes her outlook. It breaks my heart when I talk to some of my female friends tolerate their bfs or husbands oogle random girls shamelessly on the street. They resign in defeat because they believe that's just "what guys do." They don't want to say anything because they want to be the "cool gf" who won't nag her man when he tries to get some action elsewhere on the side. But I try to get them to understand that this isn't how it should be at all. Now I am telling you that the way your friend is acting is not how it should be with you.

Actually I find it a bit sad that this question even had to be asked at all. It tells me just how frivolous society has made real relationships to be to the point where decent people are made to question if good, virtuous traits are even realistic to expect of a partner. You wanting exclusivity in all areas in a relationship is not only reasonable, it should be a basic requirement for any relationship. Trust me, this girl isn't worthy of you. You are looking for something real, she is not. You deserve a girl who appreciates that you only have eyes for her, not just physically but emotionally as well. She will also be the kind of girl who will show the same level of commitment and loyalty to you.

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4 hours ago, Invincible said:

You're not childish at all. If anything, she is the childish one. There is nothing wrong with admiring famous people or just other people in general. But "drooling" over them? That is pretty immature to be perfectly honest. You know who does that? Teenage girls who are deeply infatuated with stupid boy bands. That's basically who your friend is. Her facebook post makes about as much sense as a guy getting a lap dance from a stripper and claiming he didn't cheat because he never touched her. She is immature and has no business being in any serious relationship until she changes her outlook. It breaks my heart when I talk to some of my female friends tolerate their bfs or husbands oogle random girls shamelessly on the street. They resign in defeat because they believe that's just "what guys do." They don't want to say anything because they want to be the "cool gf" who won't nag her man when he tries to get some action elsewhere on the side. But I try to get them to understand that this isn't how it should be at all. Now I am telling you that the way your friend is acting is not how it should be with you.

Actually I find it a bit sad that this question even had to be asked at all. It tells me just how frivolous society has made real relationships to be to the point where decent people are made to question if good, virtuous traits are even realistic to expect of a partner. You wanting exclusivity in all areas in a relationship is not only reasonable, it should be a basic requirement for any relationship. Trust me, this girl isn't worthy of you. You are looking for something real, she is not. You deserve a girl who appreciates that you only have eyes for her, not just physically but emotionally as well. She will also be the kind of girl who will show the same level of commitment and loyalty to you.

WOW Invincible.....You said it so well...Thank you very much for having posted this. That helps me so much and encourages me in believing in the fact that there are still men like you upon earth, who wants to treat their partners with high honor, deep respect and value. Deep down inside, I want to be with a man who will treat me as you said: total exclusivity emotionnally and physically. Actually, that's how God has intended things and that's the kind of intimacy He wants between a man and his wife.

When you talked about your female friends who want to act as the "cool girlfriend", I totally understand them and you're right: it's heartbreaking. They shouldn't do this, but they feel forced to do this because they don't want to lose the guy. And I think that I had this kind of mentality, not so long ago...But thank God because He has explained me everything...and your message Invincible, confirms me that some men think like you (Ttw for example :) ). And I thank you both for reminding me this and for showing this to women.

Many women suffer in relationships in wich they are compared to others...and of course...that's absolutely unhealthy...

Thank God for men like you who wants to give everything to their wives.

 

Stay blessed :)

 

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All these responses are great and very reassuring. I really like how invincible said it's like when a man goes to the strip club and gets a lap dance because it's true. I don't like when people make excuses for behavior they know is wrong.

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Ok, if she was actually drooling, then yes it is disrespectful to you. If she happens to gush over them CONSTANTLY, yes it's still disrespectful. However, and I didn't read the other responses, as I wanted to give my own thoughts, its natural for us to be attracted to people, and if we can't share a little crush on a celebrity with our significant other then we can't be totally honest with them. I want someone who is ok with me commenting ' look how good he looks' when we watch supernatural and I see Jensen  Ackles, or Matthew Grey Gubler on criminal minds. As I want him to feel comfortable sharing his crushes with me. I want us to be friends AND lovers...it doesn't mean either of us would act on it with that person, but you can get turned on from different things or people, and your husband or wife gets the benefits of that. You see, the way I see it is this...if he has chosen me to spend his life with, I assume he's attracted to me, and his attraction to someone else doesn't negate that he CHOSE ME. He should feel the same towards me. Basically, we should both feel free to feel and think and share with each other...but, yes, actually drooling is very wrong.

Just my thoughts.o

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