Aman

How to see my virgin boyfriend's 'past' in a new light?

2 posts in this topic

Hi all!

So I am a waiter and so is my boyfriend. We are planning on getting married this year. 

The problem: I've never been in love or in a relationship before him whereas he has been in 4 relationships and kissed 2 girls. He said he made out with one of those girls on a lot of occasions. I've never had a problem with his past before I actually didn't care because I knew kissing wasn't as bad as if he'd had sex with them. BUT one day I discovered that he watched porn (he always denied it) which led me to believe I am not good enough and I lost all my confidence. I began having anxiety attacks. That is when it hit me that he has been intimate with other girls before me. Things I didn't care about before were somehow turning into a big deal. I thought about how he must have got turned on from all that kissing and it made me feel sick. It felt like he betrayed me and gave those girls something that was only mine (as if I own his private parts-silly I know!).

I confronted him and he said he didn't get hard/turned on when making out with his ex because there was no inappropriate touching or intimacy as he was 'too shy' apparently  - I'm sorry I refuse to believe that! We all know how easily guys can get aroused. I dont know why but all the anxiety from his porn discovery has somehow shifted to the thoughts of his past now. I know it was well before me but it just feels too horrible to know that he has been so intimate with another. I'm reacting as if he's had sex with them! I think this may be because I've never been physical with someone before?

As for porn, he has cut down on it and said he is changing and becoming a better person. I on the other hand, don't even care about porn because I have realised it's all fake/fantasy. I'm only concerned about the real girls who he was with in the past who gave him sexual feelings even without sex. I've seen two therapists about this and they honestly didn't help. 

Can anyone give me a new perspective on how I can stop overthinking his past and just accept it? 

Thanks

 

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I'm like you only I'm a guy and I have never been in love with a girl. I also know I would be jealous if a girlfriend kissed other guys in the past even though I also know know it's not sex. 

I think people like us really want to be another's 1st with everything because we never had love before so it's normal to want to be another person's 1st love if you never been in love before.

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