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Being single actually hurts.

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@samaye

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Even though I have a lot of friends and family that love me it's just somehow different. Some people can enjoy being single, but I suppose I might be wired a bit differently than most. It kind of hit me yesterday at work that there's a sort of pain to it and no matter how much I tell myself I'm okay being alone I'm really not okay.

I'm usually happiest when I'm around people being an extrovert so when I go home and to my room and spend hours alone by myself trying to sleep it kind of gets to me. I don't get this way when I go camping with people or sleep in the same room with someone else. It's kind of interesting that I only noticed this now.

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I'm the opposite @Ringer, introverted. I enjoy my alone time and being around most people just drains me. But there are still things I would like to do with my SO, like go hiking, to the movies, or eat out. Even just staying in and watching a movie with someone would be nice. I think everyone needs their alone time, but everyone also needs that special someone that they can do whatever with. So even though someone says they are alright by themselves, they do sometimes have that feeling of loneliness.

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I think people take being single differently.  Some people like me who have been single for a long time actually feel a physical pain from it. There is a lot of difference and variance between people.

i think I'd be a much different person after I get married.

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I think many people say they are content being single but I don't think most of them are being entirely truthful to themselves. They don't want to admit it bothers them because they don't want to come off as weak or desperate. But I'm not afraid to admit I'm not content with it. It's human nature to desire companionship. It doesn't mean I'm desperate, it just means I have an emotional need that I want to be fulfilled.

Being over 30 and never knowing anything but singleness, it does hurt even to the point of physical pain sometimes. It isn't just the loneliness that gets to me, it's also the pain of never feeling wanted in that special way except for a brief while once and nothing came out of it. The fact that particular incident never came to full fruition still haunts me with regret from time to time. Because I felt like I missed my one and only chance to be with someone special. It also hurts seeing happy couples while walking around and feeling even more lonely afterwards.

I really envy those who have been in love before, even if it didn't last. Just the mere thought of being admired and regarded as special in a romantic way seems heavenly to me. The fact that someone cares about you so much that they adjust their time and life around you is a high honor to me. It's these simple feelings that a lot of people take for granted sometimes. It may sound like I'm idealizing everything. There is always someone who says, "But Vince, it's not all butterflies and rainbows all the time. There are tough times and hardships too." First off, I'm not an idiot. Maybe a partial one, but not a complete one at least. I have seen how messy relationships can be. But if it wasn't worth all the good times then there would be no point in having them at all.

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On 12/9/2016 at 1:51 PM, Invincible said:

I think many people say they are content being single but I don't think most of them are being entirely truthful to themselves. They don't want to admit it bothers them because they don't want to come off as weak or desperate. But I'm not afraid to admit I'm not content with it. It's human nature to desire companionship. It doesn't mean I'm desperate, it just means I have an emotional need that I want to be fulfilled.

Being over 30 and never knowing anything but singleness, it does hurt even to the point of physical pain sometimes. It isn't just the loneliness that gets to me, it's also the pain of never feeling wanted in that special way except for a brief while once and nothing came out of it. The fact that particular incident never came to full fruition still haunts me with regret from time to time. Because I felt like I missed my one and only chance to be with someone special. It also hurts seeing happy couples while walking around and feeling even more lonely afterwards.

I really envy those who have been in love before, even if it didn't last. Just the mere thought of being admired and regarded as special in a romantic way seems heavenly to me. The fact that someone cares about you so much that they adjust their time and life around you is a high honor to me. It's these simple feelings that a lot of people take for granted sometimes. It may sound like I'm idealizing everything. There is always someone who says, "But Vince, it's not all butterflies and rainbows all the time. There are tough times and hardships too." First off, I'm not an idiot. Maybe a partial one, but not a complete one at least. I have seen how messy relationships can be. But if it wasn't worth all the good times then there would be no point in having them at all.

oh GOSH Vince cry me a river!!!!!! HAHAHA JEEZE!!!!!

FIRST of all, yeah some people literally are not comfortable being single, but I think people say that they are comfortable  even when they arent because most people (usually relationSHIPPED people) have made them say that. It's embarrassing to say how we really feel all the time. Hahaha. Which doesn't make sense. But I genuinely do think some people are happy in the Lord. That needs to be where our. contentedness is found is in God, not this EMPHASIS on waiting. Do I find that contentedness? Not yet, once in awhile I do. But I also struggle with love addiction and addiction to dating sites and daddy issues and all this stuff. But in theory I feel like it exists. 

SECOND of all, what incident are you talking about? Also stop freaking out about it. I am actually doing the same about my last ex, because it was technically the most God-honoring relationship I've had (even though it felt like I was idolizing him) but we did Bible studies and all that and I wonder if I will even find someone like that again. But also, regardless, God never tells us it's too late or anytbings too late. That's the whole point of redemption and salvation is that it's never too late!!! No matter WHAT WE think we've screwed up, God always has a back up plan. So STOP looking at the past Vince. That can be your lesson out of this. Remember what happened to what's her face who looked back? She turned into a pillar of salt!!! Why?! Because she longed for the past. The past and living in it is so damaging to us because it keeps us from seeing the blessings God has for us now. 

THIRDLY yeah I effin hate being single hahahah. I feel desperate or whatever you want to call it. I go to the gym I can't stop staring at the dudes. I don't even care anymore lol. I went to this last family Christmas party and literally I was the only single person there. All everyone did was talk about their life with the kids the whole time. WHO CARES?!?! I was just thinking like "Where's the intellectual Convo we used to have?!?!" Oh my gosh it was HORR I BLE. Never again. Hahaha. Everyone in my family is married or now with someone except for my dad who cheated on my mom and IMO deserves to be single but he still has women that he you know what's with. My psycho sister just even found someone from God. My mom got violent with me on Mother's Day and has someone from God. (violent post husband). My psycho sister flipped me off for giving her a bible verse on Christmas and recently found someone from God. But yeah I absolutely hate being single. Yesterday I had to unfollow a ton of people on my Facebook otherwise I can't even go on there. I hate when people have photos of their wedding as their profile pic from like THREE YEARS AGO. It's like "You haven't taken ANY other photos since then? Is that really necessary?!" But yeah, as you can see jealousy is OOZING out my ears, so I was trying to pray it away and just do what I could so I don't put myself in that situation but it is HARD.

FOURTHLY, for those of us who have been in relationships, it's nothing special. It's basically changing the scenery from our past. Instead of thinking about the second to last person the temptation is to think about the last person is the only difference. I am riddled with guilt from time to time about the stuff I have done sexually and try not to be. Don't feel like we are any more special than you. I have had all those chances and look what happened: still single. If anything it makes me feel like I have more issues and will be perpetually single since I keep choosing losers and my taste is off. But God can change that and we have to hope for that. You might consider listening to this series on YouTube from this lady called Anointed Fire. She touches on several issues most people don't consider to make sure you are ready to receive the blessing God has for you. For example, do you have anything that reminds you of a past love? Get rid of it. Hahaha

If anything I am jealous of YOU because I feel like it's hard for me to trust anyone, and it was something so easy to give away at first, but then it's like you have to pick your heart up, wait till someone convinces you they won't leave, and continually get heart broken again and again. I'm sick of investing myself in someone, them convincing me they won't leave, and then each person just keeps leaving. It sucks. I just want to find someone already so I don't have to keep doing this to myself and relocating my heart. 

Anyway, hope this helps. 

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16 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

FIRST of all, yeah some people literally are not comfortable being single, but I think people say that they are comfortable  even when they arent because most people (usually relationSHIPPED people) have made them say that. It's embarrassing to say how we really feel all the time. Hahaha. Which doesn't make sense. But I genuinely do think some people are happy in the Lord. That needs to be where our. contentedness is found is in God, not this EMPHASIS on waiting. Do I find that contentedness? Not yet, once in awhile I do. But I also struggle with love addiction and addiction to dating sites and daddy issues and all this stuff. But in theory I feel like it exists.

God said it isn't good for man to be alone. While Paul does say it's better to be single, he encourages us to marry if we "cannot help it." By design, we are created for companionship. Yeah, there are a small handful of people who are perfectly content with lifelong singleness. But most are not. Yet there are a lot of folks in the church who will say some corny Christianese cliche like, "You shouldn't worry about a spouse, Jesus is all you need." They don't realize how condescending that comes across. It's as if they are trying to make us feel guilty for desiring something outside of Jesus. Of course Jesus is all we need, but God created us to fellowship with each other as well. We can be content in God and not like our singleness at the same time as long as it doesn't become an idol.

 

16 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

SECOND of all, what incident are you talking about? Also stop freaking out about it. I am actually doing the same about my last ex, because it was technically the most God-honoring relationship I've had (even though it felt like I was idolizing him) but we did Bible studies and all that and I wonder if I will even find someone like that again. But also, regardless, God never tells us it's too late or anytbings too late. That's the whole point of redemption and salvation is that it's never too late!!! No matter WHAT WE think we've screwed up, God always has a back up plan. So STOP looking at the past Vince. That can be your lesson out of this. Remember what happened to what's her face who looked back? She turned into a pillar of salt!!! Why?! Because she longed for the past. The past and living in it is so damaging to us because it keeps us from seeing the blessings God has for us now. 

I'd rather not go into the details about that particular incident. It's rather personal. I also don't obsess over the past all the time like I used to. I've long accept it and moved on. I just occasionally look back and wished it turned out differently. Yes we are promised redemption but we are never promised a spouse. That is something that I am trying to come to terms with because it's always a possibility. If that is God's will for me then I have no choice but to learn to be okay with that. I'll just have to trust on His strength to get me through the tough and lonely times. Nevertheless, you are right in not dwelling the past. Perhaps you should take your own advice in regards to your ex ;)

And you are referring to Lot's wife when fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah. She isn't named in the Bible but some Jewish traditions call her Edith.

 

16 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

THIRDLY yeah I effin hate being single hahahah. I feel desperate or whatever you want to call it. I go to the gym I can't stop staring at the dudes. I don't even care anymore lol. I went to this last family Christmas party and literally I was the only single person there. All everyone did was talk about their life with the kids the whole time. WHO CARES?!?! I was just thinking like "Where's the intellectual Convo we used to have?!?!" Oh my gosh it was HORR I BLE. Never again. Hahaha. Everyone in my family is married or now with someone except for my dad who cheated on my mom and IMO deserves to be single but he still has women that he you know what's with. My psycho sister just even found someone from God. My mom got violent with me on Mother's Day and has someone from God. (violent post husband). My psycho sister flipped me off for giving her a bible verse on Christmas and recently found someone from God. But yeah I absolutely hate being single. Yesterday I had to unfollow a ton of people on my Facebook otherwise I can't even go on there. I hate when people have photos of their wedding as their profile pic from like THREE YEARS AGO. It's like "You haven't taken ANY other photos since then? Is that really necessary?!" But yeah, as you can see jealousy is OOZING out my ears, so I was trying to pray it away and just do what I could so I don't put myself in that situation but it is HARD.

As I said, it's fine to long for a significant other. But we should be careful not to let it become an obsession. Though I can understand how hard it is being in a situation with friends and family and being the only single person there. I'm sorry to hear that your family is disrespecting you. I don't presume to fully understand your family's situation but just because they have someone doesn't mean it's from God. It is only from God if we are walking according to His will. I'm not saying that they aren't, but they could be involved with people that aren't great for them or have a dysfunctional relationship with them.

And yes I do know it's tough to see happy couples on social media. But I don't fault them reposting happy memories they had years down the road. They are simply celebrating happy milestones and nothing wrong with that. But it does create a facade that they seemingly have the perfect life or marriage. No doubt they may have a happy marriage, but it's important to remember they have issues too.

 

16 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

FOURTHLY, for those of us who have been in relationships, it's nothing special. It's basically changing the scenery from our past. Instead of thinking about the second to last person the temptation is to think about the last person is the only difference. I am riddled with guilt from time to time about the stuff I have done sexually and try not to be. Don't feel like we are any more special than you. I have had all those chances and look what happened: still single. If anything it makes me feel like I have more issues and will be perpetually single since I keep choosing losers and my taste is off. But God can change that and we have to hope for that. You might consider listening to this series on YouTube from this lady called Anointed Fire. She touches on several issues most people don't consider to make sure you are ready to receive the blessing God has for you. For example, do you have anything that reminds you of a past love? Get rid of it. Hahaha

You said that your last ex was technically the most God-centered relationship you had. Are you saying you don't have plenty of happy memories from that relationship? I'm sorry to hear that you had many bad experiences with relationships. I guess for me, at least those who have been in relationships know that they are capable of being in them. Some someone like me who has been shot down ever single time, I can't help but wonder if I'm capable of that myself. Logically I know God can change that if He wants to, but the frequent disappointments makes it hard for me not to question whether if there is something seriously wrong or repulsive about me. Maybe I may not be doing anything wrong per se, but maybe I'm not doing the "right" things either. I know it isn't good to think this way, but it happens and I'm just telling it like it is. But I will check out Anointed Fire. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

16 hours ago, OneLovelyBabe said:

If anything I am jealous of YOU because I feel like it's hard for me to trust anyone, and it was something so easy to give away at first, but then it's like you have to pick your heart up, wait till someone convinces you they won't leave, and continually get heart broken again and again. I'm sick of investing myself in someone, them convincing me they won't leave, and then each person just keeps leaving. It sucks. I just want to find someone already so I don't have to keep doing this to myself and relocating my heart. 

You're jealous of me? That's interesting. I was always envious of those who have or are in relationships. I guess I never considered why someone would envy me. In a way, I don't think we're as different as you think in terms of our fears and mindset. I think because of my past of disappointment of always being shot down is similar to your fear of trying again and possibly getting hurt again. I know how it feels to want to give up trying again, though coming from a different angle. In a way, I have trouble trusting too. I've lost many female friends over the years who say they want to stay friends after rejecting me, yet they slowly or immediately abandon me because of the awkwardness. So yeah, I get the fear of someone not sticking around. Maybe not in the same context, but the same general idea. Either way it is draining and discouraging to put our hearts out there and having it crushed over again and again.

But I do hope that you will come to know your true worth and to not settle for some loser guy simply because he gives you attention. Your past baggage doesn't have to keep you from finding someone amazing that you are so compatible with. You are God's daughter and you should never settle below your standards. So i leave you with some encouraging humor that I hope you will find amusing and take to heart at the same time :)

 

stupidawefulruthbashinggrossthing.jpg

 

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I’ve never been in a relationship and growing up, I felt the only way that I felt pretty or worthy was if I ever had a boyfriend. But mann, has my perception changed. I used to suffer from depression and would self-loathe, among other things, but growing in my faith, especially in the past 8 years has only made me a stronger person. The most important thing that I’ve learned in all my singleness is that I need to love myself before I can ever love another. Like you, I felt being single truly hurt, which mostly stemmed from feelings of “not being good enough for others to love.” Yeah, being in my 20s and literally being the only person in my class whose never been in a relationship, not in a long-term relationship, not engaged, or married, really makes me take a step back. Yeah, third-wheeling or even fifth-wheeling, (for lack of a better term) sucksss, but that is my reality. There are times that I get so saddened by being single and pray to God to just have the man I’m meant to be with (if marriage is even in God’s plan for me) to just enter my life or what not, but then I’m all like, well what would I do?? Like what do people do in relationships and what do boys eat and stuff? They like cars and videogames, right? Lololol but joking aside. Yes, there are so many different types of love: family love, friend love, God love, loving thy neighbor (in general)… and of course romantic love that you speak of. For me, I would love to have a foundation of a friendship with someone before I ever enter in a relationship. Speaking from my own perspective and desires, I feel these moments of singleness are the best times to really grasp what you want in a relationship. I tend to “date” a person in my head before actually dating that person in real life, which is such a terrible habit and just sets myself up for heartbreak. I try to remain positive in my singleness as I see couples suffering in their respective issues in their relationships. That’s why I feel friendship before a relationship is much more desirable, as well as the importance of self-improvement and self-love before the love of others.

Fortunately for me, I’m more so an introvert and am content with being alone, but yes, there’s a difference between being alone and lonely. I’d rather be alone on my own than in a crowded room with people who make me feel alone and lonely. Being content with thyself is essential as being with a partner all the time is not guaranteed. I never want to feel like I’m dependent on someone else, especially to be happy. I’m personally content with being alone, like in my room or somewhere, because I can be productive or even just make some music on my ukulele or keyboard. I definitely treasure these moments that I get to be alone because I can self-reflect, which I find helps me in becoming the person I strive to be, and for continuing my self-improvement.

You sound like a very awesome person and I wish the best for you! Keep smiling and be happy and cherish these moments, for one day you’ll be in a relationship you always wanted. Cheers!

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May as well be strong with oneself being single,what other choice you have.i have been single awhile may as well like my own company fill your time well goals and hobbies.i suppose if it is meant to be I will find my soulmate till then why torture myself with being unhappy.good luck everyone I hope you find your dreams and bliss

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What I find noticeably tough at times is the lack of physical affection, just non-sexual affectionate physical touch. Apart from hello/goodbye hugs I pretty much don't get any voluntarily affectionate touch. The most affectionate touch I currently get is from my godchildren - their passionate hugs, when they just want to climb all over you, when they get jealous of each other because one of them is sitting on you, when they want to be held, when they snuggle into you....ahhhh I soak it up like a sponge in the Atacama desert. 

Last year a friend gave me a short shoulder massage for my birthday. I nearly teared up. *sigh*

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