OneLovelyBabe

Selfish for wanting to marry a virgin?

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Am I selfish for wanting to marry a virgin? I have been waiting 29 years, and I feel guilty for praying to God for a virgin husband. I'm worried I might miss the man God has for me, but then I feel like I will always have hesitations if I marry a non-virgin, maybe never fully feel invested in the relationship or like they have the same amount of investment. Then I keep hearing our pastor talk about praying boldly, and praying further than we expect or think for things so that we can show we believe God is more amazing than we can even imagine, and that anything we ask or think will be given to us if we just believe. I'm so torn. I don't want to miss something great, but I also don't want to mess up because I can't just take my virginity back if I marry the wrong guy. 

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You have to marry who or what (for those of you who categorize gender too harshly) you're comfortable marrying.

I won't call it selfish, but I will say that you're definitely limiting your options. There are a lot of virgin guys on here, how come you're not interested in anyone here? 

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I haven't been on in awhile since I was locked out of my account after the site change. I'm not refuting that. haha I wouldn't mind meeting someone from here

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@OneLovelyBabe

Now who's the one overthinking things? ;)

Seriously though, yes technically it is selfish, but it isn't wrong. We all want certain qualities in a future spouse for selfish reasons. Do you think God prefers us praying and asking Him to set us up with a non-virgin? :P 

Your pastor is right, God can do amazing things and will always be more than we ever imagined. But the thing is, He has a tendency to do what is best for each of us in ways we don't expect. We are definitely allowed to ask God to provide us with the desires of our hearts. At the same time, the key thing we need to remember is that God's will is greater than our will. Even Jesus, for being equal in divine nature with the Father, asked God to not let Him go to the cross if at all possible. Jesus' human will made Him not want to die and suffer. But in His divine will, He said, "But not my will but your will." That I believe is how we should pray.  Go ahead and tell Him you desire a virgin. That is a good thing. But allow your heart to surrender that desire if God sees fit otherwise.

It may be hard to imagine now. But let's say you meet a non-virgin that you feel God has called you to be with. You may have initial reservations and a tough time accepting it. But think of it this way? If it is from God, how can it be anything but the best? God sometimes sends us that which is not what we expected, but will be exactly what we need. So even if it isn't what you wanted initially, because it's from God then you know the guy He set for you will be much better than you can imagine. The non-virgin thing will not be anything but an afterthought once you fall so deeply in love with him. I hope that adds some perspective and you take comfort in that knowledge :)

 

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No. Why would you say that? Why are you selfish for wanting to be true to your future husband  and wanting to be with someone who is true to you? There's roughly 3.5 billion men on the planet. Why are you selfish for having convictions about who you marry.

Would it be hurtful to you to know your man (or future man) had that intense, intimate bond with another woman already? It would probably hurt. Why are you "selfish" for looking for someone who has the same values as you?

I am looking for the same and want my wife to also be a virgin.

The God angle. I don't really know if God is that rigid on who you marry. From my experience God does little for those who don't act but rather sit and "wait" for God to bring something or someone into their life but rather once a person steps out in faith and takes action and starts meeting people, asking people out, if you pray about it he can and will guide your actions but I really don't think in most cases God will be like THIS IS THE ONE AND ONLY PERSON, YOU MUST MARRY THIS ONE. The main guide per scripture is to not marry an unbeliever. I don't think it is selfish to have biblical standards for your marriage.

Why are feeling this? Do you feel like you are being led to a non-virgin?

I usually find this stuff out pretty early on, before I get emotionally attached.  I usually don't even tell another person I'm waiting. Maybe after a few dates I'll say something like "I know this is a little personal, I hope you don't mind me asking but how old were you when you lost your virginity" Almost implying that I've lost mine and it is just expected that she's already lost hers. That way if she is waiting it is very bold to have to say, well, I'm a virgin and I'm waiting for my future spouse. I prefer to do it that way rather that getting involved and then saying I'm waiting and I want to marry another waiter, to discourage any situations to where they "fib", and kind of act like they feel the same way just to find out later they have already had sex but didn't know how to break it to me yet and they were waiting for the right time because they didn't know if I'd end the relationship. I try to get it out in the open early on and before I've declared how I feel about the issue. If they aren't waiters and have already been that intimate with someone I prefer to just stop dating them before I've gotten emotionally bonded to them.

Anyway, I believe God helps you but I'm not the type to think that God (in many cases but not all) rigidly pushes you to marry one specific person and you are in sin if you don't marry them or that you're doomed to marry someone horrible because you rejected the "one and only" God "chose" for you. I think God is much more pliable and will guide you wherever you are. I know God chose Rebekah for Isaac but I think that is rare.

Good luck. I hope you find him soon!

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Hi there : p

No, you’re not selfish for having your preference. You’re drastically limiting your options, but not selfish at all. To be selfish, you have to prioritize your preferences over someone else and not care about their wellbeing.

On 12/7/2016 at 3:09 AM, OneLovelyBabe said:

Then I keep hearing our pastor talk about praying boldly, and praying further than we expect or think for things so that we can show we believe God is more amazing than we can even imagine, and that anything we ask or think will be given to us if we just believe. I'm so torn.

True, God is all powerful, omnipresent, omnipotent…ect and He wants good things for us…However, this does not mean He is a genie, will grant us wishes if we pray/think/believe a certain way and make us impervious to sin. We live in a sinful universe. Sin = injustice. For example, sometimes parents have a terminally ill child and they pray boldly and further than they ever thought possible. But in the end, their child is a victim of sin (injustice). Under these tragic instances, those grief stricken parents rely on God to get them through those unimaginable times. This stuff doesn’t happen because we did not pray the correct way, it is the unjust nature of sin.  This is why I feel it is important to pray for the right things and not a particular manner.

On 12/7/2016 at 3:09 AM, OneLovelyBabe said:

but then I feel like I will always have hesitations if I marry a non-virgin, maybe never fully feel invested in the relationship

Why do you feel this way? Identifying the root causes for these feelings, can totally help you make confident decisions later on or realize you don’t need to worry about something anymore.

Anyway, if you’re confident God has a virgin husband waiting for you, I would definitely encourage you to pray for peace, patience and discernment. I don’t mean to pick apart what you’re saying : )  but if God has a hubby for you, how could you miss him? God created this unfathomably, complex universe we can barely understand..From black holes, quasars, pulsars, magnetars, neutron stars, quarks, fundamental bosons, leptons.ect…So if he wants you to marry a certain man, rest assured it’s going to happen!!!! So worrying about missing him is not something to be concerned about. This is where your faith has to be strong.

If you’re not sure what God has planned for you…Maybe marriage…maybe not? Then you can pray for:

·         Openness to what/who he might have in-store for you. Make sure what you want, does not conflict with what God wants for you.

·         Acceptance, in case His plan is way different than what/who you originally wanted.

·         Peace & Strength, if the plan is scary and requires a lot of your faith.

·         If God has a different hubby for you, then pray for the ability to fully trust the man He has chosen for you, so you can be unequivocally invested in the relationship. (Side Note - If you still can’t see yourself fully committing & investing 100% of yourself, you need to share that with your prospective hubby. If I got married and she revealed later on that she can’t fully invest herself in our relationship, I would be really mad, bitter and resentful because I could have married another women who felt the same as me and invested/committed 100%...as I would have)

Also, regarding your statement about not being able to get your virginity back…My 0.02$...Your virginity does not contribute to your value or what you can bring to a marriage. You matter and your character matters. If two people have similar levels of love, passion, commitment and excitement for each other, that is WAY more important than ones virginity. Trust me!

I think what makes marriage special, are the substantive matters that hold the relationship together. The lifelong commitment they made to each other, spiritual connections, support and growth, passion for each other, a deep and growing love for one another ect..Virginity should be viewed as a bonus, good if you have it, but not the end of the world if you don’t. 

Anyway, I really hope some of this helped? Feel free to message me anytime. Have a great day

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On 12/7/2016 at 11:00 AM, HeWhoWaits said:

The God angle. I don't really know if God is that rigid on who you marry. From my experience God does little for those who don't act but rather sit and "wait" for God to bring something or someone into their life but rather once a person steps out in faith and takes action and starts meeting people, asking people out, if you pray about it he can and will guide your actions but I really don't think in most cases God will be like THIS IS THE ONE AND ONLY PERSON, YOU MUST MARRY THIS ONE. The main guide per scripture is to not marry an unbeliever. I don't think it is selfish to have biblical standards for your marriage.

 

I really wish more people in churches believed this. There's this [unbiblical] notion that there's "The One" that's out there that God has specifically picked out just for you, and you just have to listen to God's voice so that He can direct you to them. Nothing could be further than the truth. There's no such thing as a soul mate, but once you marry, it's for life, and the two of you really have to work at staying together. This is why it's really important to have standards in the person that you choose.

The Bible has roles for husbands and wives written clearly, and it also specifies that you are not to join up with unbelievers. Along with certain scriptures on divorce and re-marriage, you have all of the information you need in terms of criteria for a spouse. Pray about it, seek godly counsel, take your own preferences into account, and get to know the people that you're interested in as potential spouses. @OneLovelyBabe There's nothing wrong with wanting someone that's also waited, and don't let people shame you out of what you have as a dealbreaker. Knowing what you can and can't handle in a marriage ahead of time is wise.

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I think wanting to marry a virgin is only selfish if one isn't going to try to be abstinent, regardless of their virginity status. Someone sleeps around, but still only wants to marry a virgin? That's what's selfish. "I want to marry a virgin, but I'm going to sleep around as much as I can before I meet this person. And I'll never marry someone who has experienced sex before or sleeps around like I do".

As long as you try to live up to the same standards, even if you stumble at times, your preferences aren't selfish. :) 

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22 hours ago, Buster Cannon said:

I really wish more people in churches believed this. There's this [unbiblical] notion that there's "The One" that's out there that God has specifically picked out just for you, and you just have to listen to God's voice so that He can direct you to them. Nothing could be further than the truth. There's no such thing as a soul mate, but once you marry, it's for life, and the two of you really have to work at staying together. This is why it's really important to have standards in the person that you choose.

The Bible has roles for husbands and wives written clearly, and it also specifies that you are not to join up with unbelievers. Along with certain scriptures on divorce and re-marriage, you have all of the information you need in terms of criteria for a spouse. Pray about it, seek godly counsel, take your own preferences into account, and get to know the people that you're interested in as potential spouses. @OneLovelyBabe There's nothing wrong with wanting someone that's also waited, and don't let people shame you out of what you have as a dealbreaker. Knowing what you can and can't handle in a marriage ahead of time is wise.

Thanks Buster. I always look forward to reading your comments. 

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Well said Amber. Unfortunately there are guys like that who sleep around, but yet they only want to marry a virgin :angry: The word 'hypocritical' doesn't even come close... 

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I think it's important to examine the reasons why you want to marry someone who is a virgin. Is it because you want someone who won't pressure you to break your commitment to wait until marriage for sex? That's a fair desire, but one doesn't have to be a virgin to respect your decision. Is it because you are concerned about their faithfulness in marriage? It is something to consider, but there are many non-virgins who marry and have committed rekationships to each other, although it requires trust on both ends. Is it because they seem impure? If they have turned their life around, then God forgives them.

Imagine that you found a wonderful person who shares your faith and all of your values, but ten years ago they had sex and they deeply regretted it since, pledging to wait until marriage after that. Would not being a virgin still be a deal breaker for you? Why?

The website True Love Dates, written by a relationship counselor and Christian, had a recent article called "Sexual Purity is not the Most Important Thing". The argument is that spiritual purity, which comes from Christ's work within us, is more important than sexual purity. In an ideal world, we would have both. But sometimes we don't.

Granted, God may still send you a husband who is a virgin, and it's absolutely okay to desire that ideal. But I think it's worth asking yourself how you would react if he wasn't, yet was made spiritually pure through Christ.

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I second @Invincible's post. Spot on. 

On 13/12/2016 at 4:46 PM, Syzygy said:

Well said Amber. Unfortunately there are guys like that who sleep around, but yet they only want to marry a virgin :angry: The word 'hypocritical' doesn't even come close... 

Reminds me of the Madonna-whore complex, though its slightly different...

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I know a dude that slept around and did end up marrying a virgin and says he got "lucky". He is a coworker of mine and it GRILLS me when he boasts and pushes other dudes to the same, to get laid as much as possible before marriage. He says it is good advice and on top of that he says he could still get a lot of women if he weren't married and critizes others for not taking advantage of being single.

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On 12/7/2016 at 1:09 AM, OneLovelyBabe said:

Am I selfish for wanting to marry a virgin? I have been waiting 29 years, and I feel guilty for praying to God for a virgin husband. I'm worried I might miss the man God has for me, but then I feel like I will always have hesitations if I marry a non-virgin, maybe never fully feel invested in the relationship or like they have the same amount of investment. Then I keep hearing our pastor talk about praying boldly, and praying further than we expect or think for things so that we can show we believe God is more amazing than we can even imagine, and that anything we ask or think will be given to us if we just believe. I'm so torn. I don't want to miss something great, but I also don't want to mess up because I can't just take my virginity back if I marry the wrong guy. 

No. That is not selfish it is perfectly just to want someone who can match the love and respect you have for yourself. 

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No you are not selfish for wanting to marry only a virgin like yourself it takes massive strength to wait when there is so much temptation out there.

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Born-again, virgin, 36-year-old man here. Profile pic kind of speaks for itself. 

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