MagneticSunset

Ending a 6 year relationship because I can't wait anymore

8 posts in this topic

Our 6th anniversary is coming up. I've known this man for 7 years and was faithful to him even before we were "official".  Our lives are so intertwined already. He is everything to me. My best friend. My family. The first person I think about in the morning and the last I think about before falling asleep. We have some legal/financial things intertwined his car is in my name. Some of my utilities are in his. Heck he is the sole beneficiary on my life insurance policy. 

But I just can't do it anymore. I can't handle the waiting. I was so very happy before in our relationship when we lived together and had an active sex life. I would give anything to just have 1 day of that old life back. To make love to him and fall asleep with my head on his chest and his arm around me.  

I am not cut out for waiting. Sex is far too important for me in a relationship to keep it on the back burner for a few more years. I don't feel loved. I don't feel connected to my partner without it. 

I'm depressed over the lack of sex. I'm not taking care of myself the way I used to. I don't bother with fixing my hair or putting on make up anymore. I feel so ugly. I feel defective. I feel unwanted. 

And I'm not being fair to him. I have wandering eyes. Something I never before had issues with - even while single. I find myself checking out other guys all the time and wandering what they are like in bed. 

I feel like I wasted so much time. I may have lost the opportunity to have my own family. Legitly. By the time I am in a good enough headspace to date again, and assuming I'm not going to find Mr. Right my first time back out there. I will be at an age of declining fertility. I feel stupid for dragging this out. I should have recognised this relationship was doomed when he cut me off from sex 3 years ago. 

I tried. I really did. For me waiting is just too painful. I find myself wishing I never met my boyfriend. Then I hate myself for it because I do love him. 

He gave me his virginity. I'm so worried he is going to resent me for that one day. You know, when he finds another woman who can wait for him. Just the thought of him being with someone else makes me feel physically ill. 

I feel so bad. When we first met he was so afraid i wouldnt want to be with him because hevwas a virgin. We almost didnt start dating because of it. I hate that I am making his fear come true over half a decade later. He'll be ok though. He's a good looking guy. He gets over stuff quick. There have always been a lot of women interested in him. He'll find happiness far sooner then I will. 

 

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Does he know how negatively it is affecting you to keep waiting? What's keeping you from getting married? 

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You're right about one thing – six years is too long to wait. I couldn't wait that long either. Why don't the two of you get married? It sounds like you practically are, except in title. If marriage isn't on the table, then there's no point in dragging the relationship out.

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Wait, this WTM-struggle is already going on for 3 years?

I wasn´t aware of that in your first thread. Didn´t do my math well. Sorry. I somehow assumed his newly found WTM-wish was pretty recent or a couple of months ago.

But sure, you said in the other thread, you are together for over 5 years and 3 years of those 5 years of being together you had a satisfiying sex life. Means: 2 years already without sex and not living together.

Now in the meantime it´s 3 years ago, since he decided to wait. Well, that´s tough.

Actually, while reading your post my heart was sinking bit by bit. It´s such a sad story in so many aspects.

The first things that came to my mind where similiar to Matthew´s questions.

I mean, what does HE, your boyfriend, has to say to all of this? He can´t be happy with this, can he? Seeing how miserable you are...

So isn´t marriage on the table AT ALL? In the near future? How long does your boyfriend still want to wait? 3 more years?

You don´t sound TOO young to get married when you are already worried over declining fertility in the next years. So I respectfully  take the liberty of guessing that you are in your late twenties or early thirties.

I can actually understand you and your struggle. I´m not sure, if I would feel that much different. Awesome sex life for years, living together already, lives intertwined on many levels...and then such a cut with no sex at all, seperated living situations and so on.

That is hard! And I can understand that you don´t feel connected to your partner like you used to feel. It´s understandable.

Unfortunately, in your situation WTM was somehow in a reversed order. Usually, a couple who wants to wait has like a "build-up" in regards to their intimacy and sexuality till marriage.

In your case it´s the other way around and that really is the tragic of it all.

I don´t know how much intimacy you still have or if he doesn´t want you near at all anymore. That would devastate me, as well. I couldn´t go without ANY intimacy and physical contact at all. I think, it´s VERY important for a relationship. So, I would probably feel similiar to how you feel right now.

My heart breaks over this, actually.

My heart breaks for you, because of you feeling unwanted, ugly and unloved.

(Oh, by the way: Ever heard of the book "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman? Forgot it to mention on your other thread and now it came to my mind again; might be worth a read).

See, I don´t know your relationship. I can only read what you´ve written here and imagine and assume some other things (which might not be true in the end).

But do you and your boyfriend spend any quality time, at all? Aren´t there things and activities you still do together? Aren´t there happy moments anymore?

Because it all sounds so broken. And that´s sad. Because you say, you can imagine a future together, you are eachothers best friends, family and everything. So I assume, that it is STILL like that and you have happy moments!? So everything is great, except of the lack of sex?

Honestly, most WTM-people I encountered on this site, wouldn´t wait 3 years. Maybe Maximum. But not any longer, if not needed. Especially not when you are older and not a college kid anymore.

On the other hand, even most of the non-waiters I know didn´t wait 3 years to get married, as well. For example, I know one couple (not waiting) who got married pretty fast (because she was pregnant). First they only got married by law. One year later they got married in church and had a wedding party with friends and family.

When to get married or if marriage is at all an option is a decision every couple needs to make on its own, of course. And there is no right or wrong.

My heart breaks for your boyfriend, as well. I think it´s every waiters nightmare, when WTM becomes a burden and your partner feels less and less loved, looks for other men or women out there, and slowly removes him-/herself from the relationship. First in mind and emotionally, then physically until finally leaving in the end.

So both of you are in an emotionally tragic situation.

I must say, I´m a bit confused why things needed to come this far (and of course, I don´t know your relationship) and I don´t know what to say to make it better.

Actually, I just want to give you a virtual hug right now and I´m still hoping that all of this complicated situation will turn out good in the end. He is your everything, after all!

Much love!

 

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Thank you for your replies everyone. 

Yes we are in our late 20s / early 30s. This winter will be our 6th anniversary. The last time we were intimate was valentines 2014. And that was a drunken slip up proceeded by a 6 month long dry spell after he felt called to be more "pure" in the eyes of the lord.

Marriage is off the table as of right now. Financially we aren't ready. I have some debt I want to pay off and to purchase a new home first. He lost his job in early 2015 and has been struggling. I've been financially supporting him. He feels very emasculated by it and wouldn't want to wed until he was at "bread winner" status. He won't say "I do" until he feels he is a financial success. So it could very well be another 3, 5 or even 10 years for all I know. Plus he is living with an ill/elderly relative and providing her with care and wouldn't be able to move out for a while due to that. 

There are still so many happy moments. A quick trip to the grocery store together turns into a 5 hour long adventure! We make time to see each other almost every day, we work out together and eat dinner together most nights. There are a lot of happy MOMENTS, but overall happiness is at an all time low. We are friends. Not romantic partners. That's how it feels. Happy moments but feeling alone and empty at night.

What little physical intimacy we had has smoked out. We side hug now. Sometimes he rubs my shoulder. Rarely kiss more then a peck on the forehead. 

He does know how miserable I am. He feels bad about it. He apologies and says things will get better. He tries to head off my negative talk by saying that it's not true he still finds me attractive, that he still wants sex and that we will have it again one day, but it is of little comfort to me. 

I have asked him point blank how he can stand to see how miserable I am, and his response was that he just kept praying that I would change. 

 

 

 

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Is he open to other forms of physical intimacy? Maybe you could talk to him and together, try to go back to kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc. Depending on his limits, you could try making out, or even slightly more sexual activities that aren't actually sex. That might be a way of getting intimate again and releasing a bit of your pent-up sexual energy.

I don't have much other advice, but I am sorry to hear that you're in this situation and I hope that you find a solution that is the best for both of you. Hugs.

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Well. We have officially ended things. So I imagine this will be my last visit here. 

At the end I realised that WTM is a gift that both parties should be giving to one another. The situation wasn't fair to either of us. 

It was a messy break up. But it was for the best. 

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17 hours ago, MagneticSunset said:

Well. We have officially ended things. So I imagine this will be my last visit here. 

At the end I realised that WTM is a gift that both parties should be giving to one another. The situation wasn't fair to either of us. 

It was a messy break up. But it was for the best. 

I am so sorry to hear that!

Shoulder rubs and side hugs can´t create intimacy, you´re right.

WTM is also something that would work best when both parties are at a common ground in regards to the level of physical and sexual activities.

I´m sorry to hear that your boyfriend is not open for more physical connection (solely praying for change won´t probably work, but additionally doing something different could).

I wish you all the happiness in the world and the strength to go through this difficult time.

All the best!

 

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