Dave1985

Feeling Depressed

7 posts in this topic

Most of you ladies know that I have been struggling with depression for a long time. It is a fear that a woman who would marry me wouldn't really be attracted to me, but only looking for something from me, whether it be kids, or financial stability, or just somebody to take advantage of...

I am afraid of sexless marriages and divorce court. I feel like if I pick the wrong woman, (if I could even identify the wrong one) I will be trapped in a sexless marriage that is rapidly heading to divorce court and financial ruin (and eliminating my one chance for marriage in the Catholic church). I just feel so hopeless about the thought of not being able to fix a sexless marriage or the probability for divorce court because she was never really interested to begin with...

I don't really know what I'm trying to ask... Maybe just for some thoughts on the issue...

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Hi Dave

I am sorry you feel so bad.  Its horrible when you are depressed.  I have been their and you feel worthless and useless.  I am sure you have heard it before but you must begin to love yourself.  Easier said than done.  It sounds like you believe in God which is a good start.  Believe in God's love for you and how he can heal you and that is the first step.  I am still working on that but the little I have learned is already setting me free.

In answer to your bigger question I would say change your thinking.  You could NEVER end up in a sexless marriage.  Really its not possible.  I always tell myself that when I get married the sex will be great!  Not because I know tricks but because I waited and God will honour and bless that. Plus as hard as it is trust yourself.  Before you get married I assume you will be talking to the woman and getting to know her and her friends and family.  The clues to who she is will be their.  Red flags will come up when its obvious she is not into you.  You should talk loads!  All the sex you are not having before marriage should free up some time.  Even if you are not having sex you should be able to talk about it.  Not in a sex talk way but in a getting to know you way.  You will be able to tell if she is passionate or not.   Don't be afraid, believe that their is a good woman for you and you  may have to wait for God to prepare her for you but the same way he is preparing you for her.  So on your wedding night you will be able to have the confidence to talk about everything and what you like and don't like and what feels good.  So you only do the things that are pleasing to both of you. If you can't talk about things like that with you potential partner then they are not the one for you.

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All I can say is have faith and trust in God. And like Rebecca says, there will be red flags. Great thing about being a Catholic, premarital counseling and retreats. I know it's hard not to think about, especially with OCD. But all you can really do is pray and give it up to the big man.

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If you don't already, I think you should try exercising. It doesn't have to be anything too strenuous. Even jogging for about 15 minutes might help to improve your mood. I'm not a biochemist or anything like that, but apparently exercising does help to elevate one's mood due to the release of various biochemicals. At the very least, it will help to take your mind off things in the mean time and improve your health. Sometimes I have gone jogging when I was feeling really depressed, and it did improve my mood.

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^ Exercise can do a lot - releasing good biochemicals and helping to get rid of those caused by stress. There is a lot you can do about depression and anxiety through lifestyle (pharmaceuticals have their place but they aren't really sustainable as a long term solution). Have you considered doing a course/program or getting some counselling? I can highly recommend Neil Nedley's Depression Recovery Program; I thought it was very good - it also deals with anxiety.

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An advice from a female,most women can be superficial and materialistic just as men can be too. The right girl for you will love you no matter if you're rich,poor, or old. The truth of the matter is that a lot of people are after something and then when they find it's not what they want they move away from it and sometimes it's when it's too late. Some women,however are utter cynics and they look at a man and think of him as a bank (Seriously,ladies,if you want to marry for the money go and file a marriage proposal to Wells Fargo or Bank of America! Don't hurt a man financially!) If you want children and don't want to be with a man,just adopt! There are a lot of children out there in need of homes and good parents (I was an orphan when I was a baby,and later adopted). As for men,take your time,talk to the girl,but take note of one thing:Actions speak louder than words,see how she is towards you,and observe it for years. Best friends make the best couples,never go for a girl and just make her your girlfriend that's just a recipe for disaster.  I've tried dating  but a lot of men back off from me for strange reasons such as being a virgin,being awkward,being against the family court's favour of women over men... People will find stupid reasons to leave you and that's why you should observe and slowly commit,not right off the bat. It will save you time,money and heartbreak.

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Hi Dave, I hope you've been able to feel better since making this post. I can understand worrying about the future, your choices, and those you let into your life hurting you, but stressing about the specific issues you've stated here is a sure way to sabotage your future. I truly believe you're building up anxiety for issues that more than likely will be non-issues. Like others have said, if you meet someone you will have ample time to get to know her character and red flags such as superficiality, fickleness, selfishness and desperation will be easy to identify.

If I had a partner who expressed to me the same fears as you have, I would say:

"What if she's not genuinely attracted to me?" - Appearances are fleeting, they change from one hour when you're a mess from having just woken up to the next when you're all spiffy and off to work, they change from one year when you're a young and hot 21 to an older, sophisticated 45. Don't put too much value on things that are fleeting. You will be disappointed. You know what's genuinely attractive? - character, integrity, respect, dignity, morals, manners. These qualities are timeless and much more attractive in a man than ANY physical quality.

"What if she's looking for something from me?" - She should be. Your heart. Most other things you should be able to detect. If she's gainfully employed and financially independent she's perhaps less likely to be after you for financial security. Regarding children, ask her about her life trajectory - does she have plans for the both of you other than children?

Sexless marriage is a tough one to foresee...I had to think about this one a bit. From what I hear, compatibility with a spouse will change frequently, from when she's first getting used to sex, to when she's stressed at work, to after she's had a child, to when she's sore and exhausted. All women are different and I can only speak for myself with this one but I think if my husband and I were enduring a sexless period in our marriage due to the aforementioned reasons, I honestly think communication, understanding, consideration, respect, love, and sacrifice are the principles to overcoming this period. Precursors to these principles can be identified early in your relationship in how you communicate with one another and enact these principles in your relationship.

I hope you feel better soon.

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