DHZ

How do you deal with stuff like anger, bitterness, lonelyness?

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I'm sure that guys have probably noticed that I've been like this lately. It's that lately I've been a lot more lonely, depressed, mostly bitter, my anger level has went up a lot. I mean, I even gotten to the point where seeing bf/gf together, or someone getting married, it's pretty much painful for me at this point. 
 
I mean, I know just having good close friends with guys would help me out a lot with the loneliness. But at the same time I have problems trusting other guys. It makes it really hard to get close to them. Then there's the fact that I pretty much see them as competition for getting a girlfriend. I mean, it feels like if there's a guy that likes a girl I like, I'll have no chance with her. Then there was also that fact that I've pretty much always been picked on by guys my whole life. I even get it from people over the internet.
 
Anyways, I don't really know how to deal with this. I've been asking God for help for forgiving people, it seems like he's been showing some of the stuff in past that's made this way(The shyness, loneliness, the anger and stuff started happening a lot latter on). But it doesn't he's helping me to actually forgive them. And I want to, I don't want to be this way anymore.

Anyways, I just need some prayer.
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Hey DHZ,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Here is my advice:

Learn to love yourself and think positive thoughts. Once you learn to love yourself first, you will bring joy and peace into your life, and you will love others the way you love yourself. Think of it this way; If you continue being bitter, it will push others away from you as it comes off as a negative vibe (sorry if this sounds harsh). But if you are more positive, you will draw others closer to you. I know as humans, we all have our off days when we feel sad, down in the dumps etc which is normal. But if you are constantly feeling this way everyday then you need to seek professional help to help deal with your emotions (counselling). And I understand how you feel about seeing couples happily together and people around you getting married because at times I too feel that way ever since my relationship ended last year. There are others who feel this way too. But what you need to understand is that although couples may appear happy in public and on social media, you don't know what happens behind closed doors (arguments, abuse for example) and you don't know if they are truly happy with their relationship. This is why I advise you to love and appreciate yourself first and be content with what you already have, only then you are able to love others.

Another thing is to not compare yourself to your guy friends/others because not only will that make you unhappy, you will also lose confidence in yourself. So, believe in yourself because you are just as special as anyone else in this world. So if you like a girl, approach her and make conversation, get to know her and see where it takes you. If she likes you back, then that's great! But if she rejects you then don't take it to heart,  just realise she wasn't the one and move on. There is someone out there for everyone and that includes you. Have faith in yourself and hope you feel better soon.

 

Live your life, travel, make new friends and surround yourself with positive people. Don't expect 'the one' too soon. Love will find you when the time is right :) God Bless.

 

Sneya

 

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Very true words, WaitingForLove!

Although sometimes so hard to practice all of those things!

But I believe they are true!

Thanks! Couldn´t have said it much better myself!

DHZ, start with gratitude. That will help a lot. If you don´t know how, there are many books about it and how to be happier in general. Don´t give yourself up!

It looks like you are ready to start anew, because you said you don´t want to be the way you are anymore. That´s a good start.

Once, I stumbled upon this Podcast-Episode and sharing it now, might be helpful. Give it a try (it´s just 18 minutes). Maybe it will be an eye-opener. Or just a little start in the right direction...

I always had a hard time understanding what exactly it means when people say "happiness is a choice". I could never really grasp that and wasn´t sure how that should work.

But this little talk about happiness really has a point, in my opinion.

http://halelrod.com/how-we-can-all-choose-to-be-happier-my-letter-to-katie/

All the best!

  

 

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Hey DHZ,

I can really relate to what you're saying because I myself have felt this way. There's no easy answer or fix for what you're going through and it pains me to say this, but there is no timeline on forgiveness. There will come a point where you will feel ready to forgive those who have wronged you and it's best not to rush it. Forgiveness is an act of kindness that is meant to liberate the soul, and sometimes when we force ourselves to forgive insincerely we are really only hurting ourselves. I think first and foremost you must forgive yourself for not being who you feel others think you should be, but truth be told who cares what they think? Love yourself for the unique person that you are! There was a point in my life where everything was going wrong and I felt abandoned by those who were meant to love me the most and I actually wanted to kill myself. But I thank God everyday that I had a friend give me a wise piece of advice. We all carry a destiny, a unique set of events that only we are designed to fulfill. No one else in this entire world can accomplish what we are meant to accomplish and these are the things that give our lives purpose and meaning. You were destined for great things, but first you have to believe in yourself before others can believe in you.

I've always believed that we attract the type of people we are, so if we think, act, and live positively we will surround ourselves with others that think and act in the same manner. Believe me when I say this that counseling really does help. It doesn't mean you're weak or that there is something wrong with you, it just means that you had the strength and foresight to know that something was wrong and wanted to change it. I've known plenty of people that seeked professional help after a divorce, or for childhood issues, or even for phobias. There are a million different things that we can't change about ourselves like our parents, or our ethnicity, or our financial circumstances, or even our historical epoch, but our attitude is something we actually can change. Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it. You will reach a point in your life where you are absolutely happy with who you are and a woman will see that as well, just be patient.

Listen, I know it's hard at times to see other couples and the happiness that they're experiencing. It gets really hard to watch around the holidays especially but if you don't have the strength and courage to love yourself first, how can you possibly love someone else? I know it sounds easy but it's not. You don't want to be the type of person who gets into a relationship just to be in one and you certainly don't want to do just to stop from being alone. I've done both and all that happened was I ended up hurting two very amazing women that quite honestly deserved better. I'm 29 years old and the only member of my family (4 siblings) who isn't either married or has children. I think the only thing that hurts more than seeing your other family members happy is knowing that they've pretty much given up on you finding someone.

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DHZ

A lot of what you wrote resonates with me and so I won't give you advice.

I've done a lot of self improvement, analysis and thought about it a lot. Even if you improve your relations and get over this it doesn't mean you will find someone.

i get upset a lot when I see couples and that is something that will never go away with me.

But what I hate most is when people try to give suggestions or tell me that I need to work on myself. Seriously shut up already! 

You don't know me or what I've been through. You don't know what it's like to do so many things and still get the same result. Sometimes the world is just messed up, and no matter what I do nothing will work.

A huge part of it is the feminism in today's world.

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Hey DHZ, I've struggled with similar stuff my whole life as well. I lost my first job straight out of college because of an unscrupulous former coworker and boss who got me fired for something that wasn't my fault. It was right when the Great Recession reached it's peak and I couldn't find work for almost 2 years after. I remember hating those two who screwed me over with every fiber in my body for what they did to me. I would sometimes wish I could turn on the news and hope they get hit by a truck or something. It killed me to see them succeed in their careers while I hit rock bottom. I was at the lowest point in my life and I was consumed with bitterness for a long time. The road to forgiveness was one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was a long process. But there came a point where I realized holding on to that anger was only killing me, not them. Bitterness really is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. I didn't like the person I became. So after years of spiritual guidance from mentors and lots of prayer, I began to forgive them. Even though I desperately wanted to see them on their knees begging for forgiveness, I knew I had to forgive them for myself, not for them. I encourage you to do the same. One thing that also helped me was praying for the ones who hurt you. It sounds crazy but it works. It's hard to be mad at someone when you're consciously offering them up to God in prayer.

I also know what it's like to feel not good enough for a girl's affection compared to other guys. It's something I've dealt with my whole life. I am often left wondering what is it about me that is lacking that the other guy has? Maybe I'm just not smart enough, or funny enough, or good looking enough etc. But I've come to accept that some guys just have that natural ability to attract women romantically, while other guys just don't have what it takes to be seen in a romantic way no matter what they do. It may not seem fair but life is never fair. That's just the way it is. The sooner we come to terms with that, the sooner we will move past the grieving and move on with our lives.

 

3 hours ago, Ringer said:

I've done a lot of self improvement, analysis and thought about it a lot. Even if you improve your relations and get over this it doesn't mean you will find someone.

i get upset a lot when I see couples and that is something that will never go away with me.

But what I hate most is when people try to give suggestions or tell me that I need to work on myself. Seriously shut up already! 

You don't know me or what I've been through. You don't know what it's like to do so many things and still get the same result. Sometimes the world is just messed up, and no matter what I do nothing will work.

I hate those oversimplified, cliche advice people give to single people. While it may comes from a place of good intentions, they are usually not helpful because first off, they are untrue. Secondly, it can come off as very condescending because rather than taking the time to be truly empathetic towards their struggle, they dismiss it with a false "magic formula."

The "you need to work on yourself" is particularly bad. Like you said, it is extremely pretentious because it assumes a person's singleness is attributed to a serious flaw from within rather than outside variables. To that end, it implies that if you "worked enough" on yourself, then the right one will magically appear and give you approval. That's not how it works. Yes, it's important to constantly improve ourselves, but that is a lifelong thing. By their logic, no one would ever meet someone because we're always working on ourselves.

Another line I particularly hate is: "Just stop looking. You always find the one when you're not looking." This one is utter nonsense. Everyone who desires companionship is always "on the lookout" to some degree in the back of their minds. Unless one is fresh from a break up or some personal crisis, everyone is always open to having the right person come along. It's just that the desire is stronger in certain times than others, but it's always there. In addition, how do they explain people who join singles events or online dating? Surely they are "looking," but by their logic no one who joins them will ever find someone. We all know many people who have met their spouses online. So yeah, utter garbage.

The one I probably hate the most is "You need to be content single first before you be in a relationship." Um...no I don't. If I was content being single, why on Earth would I desire being in a relationship? Relationships and marriages have it's own set of hardships and heartache. If we were truly content by ourselves, then it would be ridiculous to put ourselves through that if we didn't really need the good parts. We humans are social creatures in need of companionship, we are not meant to go through life alone. Rather than say we should be content single, we ought to caution people not to be consumed by that desire. This whole "content being single" mindset is actually a relatively recent cultural phenomenon in the West. It came to rise during the past few decades when people were placing more emphasis on things like careers and traveling over marriage. Which led to the average age of marriage in the US to be over a decade later than what it used to be a generation ago. This idea of "self-fulfillment" has made our society way too individualistic. But before that, civilization has always placed marriage and a family first. I believe God designed it that way because He made us all relational beings. Very few people are truly 100% content with being single for life.

The one thing that makes this the most aggravating is when it this "advice" comes from either happily married couples or people in loving relationships. Oh sure, it is so easy to callously dismiss a person's real struggle with loneliness when you have somebody. It's great that they found the love of their life. But they have no business lecturing singles pretentiously about being content in singleness, especially if they got married young. Smh.

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@Invincible

I know exactly what you mean man. I hate it when people try and give such advice like that. It makes zero sense, and often it's a callous dismissal.

The only advice I can give that is real is learn to be unaffected. Life's hard. Learn about yourself and brace yourself because it's always going to be hard. Very few people in this world really care about you, so when you find the few that do stick with them through thick and thin. Don't fear your worst fears and don't fear disappointment.

This is counter intuitive, but it's best to learn how to be a little reckless. Recklessness is defined as not fearing the consequences of one's actions, I'm not saying full blown recklessness but just a little recklessness because it'll help you get out of your shell. The fear of consequences, or the fear of how others see us when we're single or doing something hold's us back a lot. Find people who accept you, no matter who they are...

Lastly be open. Always be open. Learn to find the energy to be open because even if you feel lonely among friends, good friends will try to set you up but in order to make good friends you have to be a good friend yourself.

Finding someone might not be a part of your life but if you don't do everything you can to stop your own suffering at singleness, no one else will and God will only help those who help themselves if it is truly something that will help you get to heaven. Love might never find you, but at least you can find yourself.

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