TtW

To the non virgin girls

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I'm a virgin. I was wondering how girls who have had sex think about their past relationships. Do women ever fully get over their exs, or will your new guy constantly be in a subliminal competition. Whether it be sex or the actual relationship.

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I am very interested in hearing the ladies thoughts on this as well. I have an almost irrational fear of being compared to previous bfs, whether sexually or emotionally. This is especially true if she had some amazing ex-boyfriends. I would constantly wonder if she frequently thinks of her exes fondly of their time in bed or how special he made her feel and how I may not measure up to what she is used to. Therefore, I would stress over trying to "one up" the last guy.

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The good relationships I think of fondly. The bad ones bitterly. 

There are things I miss about some exes for sure - but yes. I am completely "over them". I have no more feelings of attatchment, not in love with them. No desire to be their girlfriend again. 

When I am with my current partner - i am with them 100%. Focused on us.

Sometimes though when I am shall we say taking care of business solo - my mind does wander to some especially hot past encounters but it's nothing more then mind porn.

Do I ever compare current partners to past partners? Sure. I think that is just part of human nature. I mean I compare restaurants and music too! 

However, exes are exes for a reason. As long as the person has dealt with the emotional aspect of the break up and isn't going into the new relationship with baggage - it doesn't matter if the ex was some adonis. She isn't in to him anymore. She is into you.

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On 8/18/2016 at 7:46 PM, MagneticSunset said:

The good relationships I think of fondly. The bad ones bitterly. 

There are things I miss about some exes for sure - but yes. I am completely "over them". I have no more feelings of attatchment, not in love with them. No desire to be their girlfriend again. 

When I am with my current partner - i am with them 100%. Focused on us.

Sometimes though when I am shall we say taking care of business solo - my mind does wander to some especially hot past encounters but it's nothing more then mind porn.

Do I ever compare current partners to past partners? Sure. I think that is just part of human nature. I mean I compare restaurants and music too! 

However, exes are exes for a reason. As long as the person has dealt with the emotional aspect of the break up and isn't going into the new relationship with baggage - it doesn't matter if the ex was some adonis. She isn't in to him anymore. She is into you.

I think this is an honest and understandable answer, but it is also one that honestly and understandably would concern waiter guys. I think it's inevitable most, if not all, people would compare current partners to past partners, including their performance in bed. It's not that it's being done in a mean-spirited way necessarily, but it's just natural to compare. The issue is that a lot of guys, especially waiter guys, are not going to be comfortable or content knowing that they're being compared.

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Which is why most guys who wait tend to remain single for longer than normal.

I'm not interested in someone who can compare me like a restaurant. I'd rather be single and alone.

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On Saturday, August 20, 2016 at 1:06 AM, wny said:

I think this is an honest and understandable answer, but it is also one that honestly and understandably would concern waiter guys. I think it's inevitable most, if not all, people would compare current partners to past partners, including their performance in bed. It's not that it's being done in a mean-spirited way necessarily, but it's just natural to compare. The issue is that a lot of guys, especially waiter guys, are not going to be comfortable or content knowing that they're being compared.

Oh it's absolutely not done in a mean spirited way at all. Its usually the exact opposite! It always seems that any mental comparisons tend to end up with the current partner coming out on top.

Love and rose colored glasses and what not.

It's also not a constant thing and the comparisons generally aren't related to big deal things. I think the last time I thought about an ex vs my current partner was over cooking breakfast - putting chocolate chips in pancakes. Not exactly devestating type of stuff.

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1 hour ago, MagneticSunset said:

Oh it's absolutely not done in a mean spirited way at all. Its usually the exact opposite! It always seems that any mental comparisons tend to end up with the current partner coming out on top.

Love and rose colored glasses and what not.

It's also not a constant thing and the comparisons generally aren't related to big deal things. I think the last time I thought about an ex vs my current partner was over cooking breakfast - putting chocolate chips in pancakes. Not exactly devestating type of stuff.

That's good, but it still just depends on the guy. I want to date a girl who has never been in a relationship before. I want everything to be a new experience together.

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18 hours ago, wny said:

That's good, but it still just depends on the guy. I want to date a girl who has never been in a relationship before. I want everything to be a new experience together.

Sounds like you're also excluding romantically intended relationships that have not yet turned sexually active....That would be a steep standard!

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On 8/19/2016 at 10:06 PM, wny said:

I think this is an honest and understandable answer, but it is also one that honestly and understandably would concern waiter guys. I think it's inevitable most, if not all, people would compare current partners to past partners, including their performance in bed. It's not that it's being done in a mean-spirited way necessarily, but it's just natural to compare. The issue is that a lot of guys, especially waiter guys, are not going to be comfortable or content knowing that they're being compared.

For me, there are times where I fear emotional comparisons slightly more than sexual ones. Because while sex is without a doubt very important, you're not always going to be having sex and as we age, it becomes less frequent. A marriage is supposed to be based on love and would hating feeling like an ex was better at fulfilling her emotionally than I can despite my best efforts. Or rather he had way more qualities that allowed him to love her "more completely" than I can. Just because they are no longer together doesn't mean the love between them wasn't strong and passionate. Sometimes relationships end because of wanting different things in life.

On 8/23/2016 at 9:19 PM, wny said:

That's good, but it still just depends on the guy. I want to date a girl who has never been in a relationship before. I want everything to be a new experience together.

While ultimately that is not a requirement for me, I do understand where you're coming from because I really want that too. I feel like the older I get the more I really want a girl who has never had a relationship before for exactly as you said, to me able to have new and unique experiences together. I want someone who has a blank slate that I do including relationship-wise. Because even if it wasn't sexual, I still hate the idea of her having given her heart to another person. It just wouldn't feel as special to me knowing she gave her heart to someone else . It would feel like I am sharing her heart with multiple guys in the past rather than it being completely mine. But at the same time, I know at my age this is a pretty unrealistic expectation to have. Nearly everyone has had a relationship at least once prior by the time they are my age. I've come to accept that reality that almost no one has a 100% clean slate anymore. It's something I have to continue to work on coming to terms with.

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To be clear, her never having been in a relationship ship isn't a requirement. It's a strong preference and honestly could one day become a requirement. That being said, I don't think I would marry someone who had ever had a long term relationship before. As of right now I think a girl who had a short term relationship is something I could be okay with, though I wouldn't be completely happy about the situation.

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On 25 août 2016 at 1:56 PM, Invincible said:

Because even if it wasn't sexual, I still hate the idea of her having given her heart to another person. It just wouldn't feel as special to me knowing she gave her heart to someone else . It would feel like I am sharing her heart with multiple guys in the past rather than it being completely mine.

I'm terribly unqualified to answer the original question in this thread (complete virgin, never so much as kissed someone, longest relationship lasted something like 3-4 months) but I wanted to give a perspective on the idea that dating someone with experience is sharing them with their previous partners.

I've been very close to a few people in my life - friends, family, partners. Each of them is unique in their own way, and I care about them all deeply. I view it like each of them having a little piece of my heart inside them, even the ones I'm not in touch with anymore. But that doesn't mean that my heart is diminished, and that I can't love them individually and equally.

Slight tangent: take, for example, my childhood best friend, let's call her N, and my current best friend, let's call him V. N was a sweet, emotional girl who liked to dance, read and relax alone with me in nature. V is boisterous, sensitive but pragmatic, and likes to tell jokes and go to social activities. My personality is closer to N's, and sometimes I wish that V would be more willing to do the things I used to do with her. But that doesn't take away from my friendship with V, not in the least. They're both different, and there are things I do with V that N wouldn't have enjoyed either. I don't constantly compare them or wish that I was still friends with N instead of V. Yes, I still care about N and I hope that she's happy whatever she's doing. But V is my best friend now, and I'm so, so glad he is. Just because N was my best friend before him doesn't make my friendship with V any less special.

What I mean to say is that the human heart is wonderfully good at loving. There's a lot more room in it for new love than we tend to think. To give another example, a lot of mothers are afraid of loving their second child as much as their first, but they quickly realise that there's enough love in them for both, because each child is their own individual person and it's like loving for the first time all over again. We give out little pieces of our heart to those we care about, but somehow, our heart stays whole and just as ready to love again. Or rather, it's like the pieces we gave out grow back every time, but differently. We don't share them. We create new ones, and we do it all the time. For friends. For family. For children. For crushes. And for romantic partners.

It's true that giving your heart to your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't the same as giving it to your friend. I completely understand the romantic aspect of being the first and only person your partner has ever loved, and how exciting it is to discover everything together. But, in my opinion, it says a lot about a person's heart that they gave it to someone else, were hurt, and yet were willing to start all over again with you. It takes strength to love without fear. Honestly, I think I would rather share my partner's heart with a thousand other people than to be the only one they gave it to. Because it shows just how much they care, and how willing they are to keep caring despite things not always having worked out.

I gave my heart to my ex-boyfriends and I even give it to my crushes. But that won't take away from any future relationships, because each person is unique. And for each new person I love it's like I have a whole new heart to love them with.

(Finally, to get this post back on track with the topic of the thread, I'd like to add that my opinion is different when it comes to sex. (Duh, otherwise I wouldn't be here.) Sex is an actual commitment, and a physical and intimate expression of love. For me, it means opening up completely and entirely to one person - it's what separates a long-term relationship from a "forever" one. While I can understand how you can love a new partner after leaving an old one, I'm just as curious as you guys as to how people relate to new partners who aren't just romantic but also sexual.)

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18 hours ago, CrystalFaerie said:

I've been very close to a few people in my life - friends, family, partners. Each of them is unique in their own way, and I care about them all deeply. I view it like each of them having a little piece of my heart inside them, even the ones I'm not in touch with anymore. But that doesn't mean that my heart is diminished, and that I can't love them individually and equally.

Slight tangent: take, for example, my childhood best friend, let's call her N, and my current best friend, let's call him V. N was a sweet, emotional girl who liked to dance, read and relax alone with me in nature. V is boisterous, sensitive but pragmatic, and likes to tell jokes and go to social activities. My personality is closer to N's, and sometimes I wish that V would be more willing to do the things I used to do with her. But that doesn't take away from my friendship with V, not in the least. They're both different, and there are things I do with V that N wouldn't have enjoyed either. I don't constantly compare them or wish that I was still friends with N instead of V. Yes, I still care about N and I hope that she's happy whatever she's doing. But V is my best friend now, and I'm so, so glad he is. Just because N was my best friend before him doesn't make my friendship with V any less special.

What I mean to say is that the human heart is wonderfully good at loving. There's a lot more room in it for new love than we tend to think. To give another example, a lot of mothers are afraid of loving their second child as much as their first, but they quickly realise that there's enough love in them for both, because each child is their own individual person and it's like loving for the first time all over again. We give out little pieces of our heart to those we care about, but somehow, our heart stays whole and just as ready to love again. Or rather, it's like the pieces we gave out grow back every time, but differently. We don't share them. We create new ones, and we do it all the time. For friends. For family. For children. For crushes. And for romantic partners.

Thanks for your insight, CF. Even though I do agree that a significant other is still unique compared to any other relationship, you have given me some new perspective.

I guess what really sets SO apart from other relationships is that it's meant to be with one person at a time (ideally one person ever). You can have many friends, uncles, siblings, even more than one mother or father. It's not like a friend who may be annoy you to no end if you lived with them, but otherwise have other great qualities that would make them great to hang out with from time to time. A SO is someone whose qualities you must uniquely and thoroughly assess because they could be the one you spend the rest of your life with. This is someone you make life decisions with together and share a deep bond that transcends any other.

For many people, their exes basically set the bar that they measure future partners by and I have this irrational fear of falling short or being compared negatively to her exes. What if her exes routinely did certain things or had certain qualities that made her feel really special that I can't do? For example, what if she misses how her musically talented ex wrote her songs? I am not an artist. If I attempted to write a song, it would sound more like a demon summoning incantation than actual music. Or what is she is used to having a big, strong man around to help her move stuff? I am a scrawny guy, I can't be moving furniture or even opening tight jars. Would she resent me for not giving her what her exes could?

As someone who has no romantic experience, I fear I may end up treating the relationship as a competition to one up her predecessors rather than enjoying the relationship that is uniquely ours. Like I'm afraid I will also end up overcompensating by trying to do every little thing for her to the point of smothering and annoying her. lol. In addition, there is a saying that people never truly get over their first love because for many it was full of passion and youthful naivete, almost like a rite of passage if you will. We as people tend to put so much emphasis on "firsts" and it's not surprising a first love would leave a lifelong impact. So even if she didn't compare me negatively, I'm not fond of the idea that she would frequently reminisce over past lovers with fondness. I admit it, I am a bit of a jealous person. While everyone is entitled to their past and I would completely respect what she and her exes once had, I would rather she not dwell on her past partners too much. I know you may think this all sounds stupid, overly obsessive and not based on anything grounded in reality. It does sound that way to me as I type this. It really does just come down to my stupid insecurities.

I think I have just been hearing about a lot of lucky couples who married their first loves and have blissful marriages free from any past relationship baggage. That is something I wish I could have. But at my age, I've kind of given up on that. It's too late to have the young and child-like kind of love that is innocent and carefree kind of love. It's hard enough to find a waiter as it is, let alone someone older than 30 with a completely clean slate. I guess that's not really that important in the long run. As you say, the heart has a great capacity for loving and has room to fit many people, even if I am not her first, second or God forbid, her tenth and beyond.

18 hours ago, CrystalFaerie said:

It's true that giving your heart to your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't the same as giving it to your friend. I completely understand the romantic aspect of being the first and only person your partner has ever loved, and how exciting it is to discover everything together. But, in my opinion, it says a lot about a person's heart that they gave it to someone else, were hurt, and yet were willing to start all over again with you. It takes strength to love without fear. Honestly, I think I would rather share my partner's heart with a thousand other people than to be the only one they gave it to. Because it shows just how much they care, and how willing they are to keep caring despite things not always having worked out.

I gave my heart to my ex-boyfriends and I even give it to my crushes. But that won't take away from any future relationships, because each person is unique. And for each new person I love it's like I have a whole new heart to love them with.

While I still would rather be a girl's first and only ever, you do bring up a great point. I read an article once that basically elaborated what you said in bold. It advocated the value of enduring the challenges of being with someone who's had their heart broken in the past. The author's reasoning was that despite being hurt in the past, the person suffering is still willing to give the "second" or "third" a chance and risk getting hurt again because they saw something special in their new partners. In essence, it spoke volumes of the new partner because the heartbroken person felt they had the potential of restoring their faith in love again. Looking at it from that perspective, that would be a great honor if I was ever in that position. Even though it would require a lot of patience and challenges not present in a first love, the significance at the end would be worth it I think.

Thanks again for your input, it was really thought-provoking :)

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It's a good thing that ultimately my love is for pizza...

I am not so inclined to say that someone being willing to start over again is a bad thing however I will say this, it wouldn't be right to superimpose new expectations on the next person. I'm well aware that there are many people (not just women) who mess up in one relationship and then when they move on to the next they start to guard themselves and force the other party who wants to be with them to perform.

While I might be okay with a previous relationship, I don't want to be with someone who hasn't moved past the previous relationship or who is now going to have expectations that I must behave a certain way to prove I won't screw up and cause her to distrust me.

I also don't think it's worth being with someone if I have any qualms about their past history that I can't get over. It's a two way street. Relationships are hard and it's like being in a gulag of emotions only to be thrown in again overtime something happens or some new revelation comes to light. Probably the best people to be in a relationship with are the ones who know how to keep it laid back.

And are wiling to hear all the truth.
Or are more than willing to keep secrets secret.

It's not easy, but it's usually best to be upfront. I think that's what I want most, if I'm going to be compared to a previous guy then I want the truth. If there is a reason why you don't want to do something then I want to know why. If there is something i do that reminds you of so and so... basically I don't want to invest in something without knowing what I'm getting. And if secrets must be kept then I don't want that kind of relationship. It's a betrayal of trust.

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I wrote this long post and lost all of it. :( 

I'd say this: it's understandable that you don't want to be compared to her exes. Women don't want to be compared to their boyfriend's/husband's prior partners either. I'm sure the same applies in same-sex relationships.

The truth is, I can't undo my past. That includes my past experiences, feelings, relationships. I can only learn and grow from them. Self-reflect. Mature. What would I do differently? How can I use what I've learned from prior experiences and apply it to my new relationship? Can I be a better listener?  Can I compromise more? I also learned what I want/need and what I don't want/need. I learned what qualities are important to me from past experiences.

The important thing is that I work on myself, that I don't carry previous hurts into the new relationship. That I do the hard work of healing so that I'm ready for the next person in my life. Now, is there a part of me that once in a while wonders how so-and-so is doing? Yes. They cross my mind from time to time. It doesn't mean I'm comparing my new man to my ex. My ex is an ex for a reason. Things didn't work out for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean I can't reflect on what I've learned and also wish that man to find his own happiness. That's a good thing to do: so that I don't become bitter from previous hurts/disappointments.

The important thing is that my heart is open and fully healed so that I can be with the new man in my life.  That I'm learning about him and taking him for who he is. Not who my ex is, and not who I want him to be. But for who he is as a man.  So maybe I had an ex who was musically inclined. That's nice. But that was then, and this is now. I have to live in the here-and-now and be open to my new man's talents, strengths, and weaknesses. Maybe the next man in my life might be the outdoors type and I haven't had that experience before--so this will be new for me.

I don't think you should hold it against someone if they've had a previous relationship(s). Just like you wouldn't want someone to hold it against you for not having had previous relationship experience. What's important is if that person moved on, learned from it, and grew from the experience so that they can be ready for you.

It's the same thing with sex. Some people, including myself, might've engaged in sexual activity in the past, but have now made a decision to wait until marriage. If a boyfriend/husband has questions/concerns about my sexual history, then I'll be open and upfront about it. This way at least we can connect from being open and honest with each other.

Also, this whole idea of couples meeting each other, being their one and only---that's a rare thing. It happens, but not as often as it seems.

Lastly, I loved what Crystal Faerie wrote about the capacity of the human heart to love again, to make room for new people and new relationships. It takes a lot to trust a new person, to begin a new relationship when one has been hurt and betrayed or had some prior experience that has made relationships difficult. It also shows resiliency that a person can heal, rise above their past, and still be open to new people and experiences, and allowing it to mold them into a better person.

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