Faeries

Dating

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Hey everyone!

I was reading an article the other day and in the comments section, a lot of women were agreeing that women should date multiple men simultaneously as opposed to getting hung up on one guy and having him eventually break your heart. Many of them made it clear that they didn't mean have sex, but just going out on dates. So these these my questions:

Do you agree? (For guys dating as we well) I always imagined that if I was getting to know someone, I'd just focus on seeing what we could have, and if it doesn't work out, oh well. I don't think I need others guys to fall back on.

Would you feel comfortable dating multiple people? I'd feel overwhelmed trying to get to know so many people. I think the most worrying thing is "choosing" someone and dealing with cutting off those other people. Especially if they really like you and felt like they were building a relationship with you.

I don't think I'd want to date someone who's dating other women. I'd feel like I wasn't special enough to pursue, lol.

(And where are they getting all these dates from anyway? I need to get out more.)

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In my world a man dating so many persons is a player, and a woman dating so many men is a bad girl, make nonsense to me if you serious to collect persons and deal with each one with a different face and feelings, but if you want to play i can understand that's who you really are and that's what you are looking for, personally ive met one of those girls once, she told me while smiling that shes dating other two and am different and that make me her first choice !! but got offended when i told her am not interested to be added to her list and left ! i dunno what she was thinking about when she told me that, but she realised her big mistake when she text me saying that shes sorry and she understand how mad i am knowing shes dating others i replied am one of those who dont accept that nor respect those who do that so that was the last time i talked to her  ..

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So sort of like polyamory without sex?

 

I have a feeling these commenters were half-serious, half-kidding, but I'll bite...  I think the idea is kind of ridiculous, quite shallow, and definitely unsustainable.  Most men wouldn't put up with that (same for most women if the sexes are reversed).  I can understand the situation where a woman goes out on one or two dates with one man, then nothing comes of it and she goes out on a date with another guy the next week; that doesn't seem unreasonable.  But being in multiple dating relationships concurrently?  It's a selfish waste of everyone's time (especially if she doesn't disclose the polydating to the men!).  That kind of person is more interested in a well-stroked ego than in having any kind of serious relationship.  

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I'd feel overwhelmed trying to get to know so many people. I think the most worrying thing is "choosing" someone and dealing with cutting off those other people. Especially if they really like you and felt like they were building a relationship with you.

I don't think I'd want to date someone who's dating other women. I'd feel like I wasn't special enough to pursue, lol.

(And where are they getting all these dates from anyway? I need to get out more.)

 

I would also feel way too overwhelmed! I just couldn't keep up with it. It takes a lot of time and effort to get to know someone, and having to do that with multiple people at one time would be way to stressful and time-consuming. I'd much rather date one person at a time until I find someone that I would be willing the spend the rest of my life with.

 

Even more importantly, I myself would never want to date a man that was dating other women at the same time. Why should I allow myself to date many men at the same time, when I personally wouldn't want a guy that I am interested in to do the same thing? That'd be a double standard right there. As you also mentioned in your post, I wouldn't feel like I was being pursued because he saw something special in me! :wub: â€‹Now, I don't know about other people, but if I were to date a guy that is dating other girls at the same as me, I would most likely be thinking a lot about the dates that he is going on with these other women (e.g. do they connect better? Does he find her more attractive than he finds me? Am I really his third or fourth option in case the other girls don't work out?)  

 

Don't think I could handle that.

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In my world a man dating so many persons is a player, and a woman dating so many men is a bad girl, make nonsense to me if you serious to collect persons and deal with each one with a different face and feelings, but if you want to play i can understand that's who you really are and that's what you are looking for, personally ive met one of those girls once, she told me while smiling that shes dating other two and am different and that make me her first choice !! but got offended when i told her am not interested to be added to her list and left ! i dunno what she was thinking about when she told me that, but she realised her big mistake when she text me saying that shes sorry and she understand how mad i am knowing shes dating others i replied am one of those who dont accept that nor respect those who do that so that was the last time i talked to her  ..

 

Looks like I'll be the first to dissent  :excl:  Ah, dissent  :wub:

 

Dating multiple people at the same time doesn't make someone a player unless they do so deceptively/secretly or they use it to manipulate the people they are dating to their own selfish advantage e.g. promoting rivalry and competition. Chak, I would have respected that girl simply for being so upfront that she was dating other people. Though I don't think she should have revealed her preferences. While it sounds like she did so innocently and meaning well, it could lead to competition which smacks of manipulation. Unless she led you to believe your relationship was exclusive, slamming the door on her like that seems rather heavy handed. If I were you I would simply have let her know that I am not interested in dating her (or anyone for that matter) unless it is exclusive. You may have found her quite willing to make her dating with you exclusive considering how she valued you and your feelings. 

 

Which brings me to my other point. It's fine if you would only date someone exclusively because of your relational preferences or finding polydating too difficult, however if you expect other people to do the same you need to reveal that upfront. I would not assume that any dating is exclusive until you've both had the "do we want to make this exclusive or not" talk i.e. defining the relationship, or there is a strong, reasonable implication of it being exclusive. 

 

Some may casually date [non-exclusive] for a long time depending on how much time they spend and the progress of the relationship. Others may only casually date very shortly or not at all - preferring to be exclusive from the start. I wouldn't call dating "polyamory without sex" - that would refer more to being engaged to multiple people at the same time. But that brings me to definitions. When you think of dating, you might be picturing the depth and vulnerability in that that others would place in "exclusive dating" not "(casual) dating". 

 

Faeries: "a lot of women were agreeing that women should date multiple men simultaneously as opposed to getting hung up on one guy and having him eventually break your heart"

 

If you let someone "break your heart" from terminating a casual dating relationship, then I think you over-invested too early or you misunderstood the parameters of the relationship, either way pushing the blame on the other party just isn't fair. That being said, if you see the dating relationship as non-exclusive and don't tell them that you certainly shouldn't be playing around with their hearts. Just to re-iterate: I am not suggesting there should be no such thing as exclusive dating. It is however, up to both parties to mutually agree at what point that exclusivity begins according to their preferences. 

 

Sabrina: "ridiculous, quite shallow, and definitely unsustainable"

 

Regarding the merits of polydating. Again, this can depend on your definition of what is involved in dating, but I would disagree with the above assessment. Certainly for any WTMer even the possibility of polydating is unlikely - whether or not they would actually polydate - so the below scenario seems unlikely for us, less so for the average non-WTM dater. Imagine you are at a global WTM conference. There are a number of people you'd like to check out as potential partners. Do you:

 

A) Try and arrange at least one date with each of them to get to know them a little bit better and assist in determining who would appear to be most compatible before focusing your "pursuit", letting them know implicitly or explicitly that this dating is non-exclusive. Kind of like speed dating except that you reserve the possibility to have a second date with someone after you've had a 1st date with someone else.

 

or 

 

B) [Edit: so that's what you get with a B and a )! haha, yes, I'm out of the loop...] Pick one of them, tell them that you intend to date them exclusively and that they need to do the same to you. After a while you discover you're better off apart, you break up, look around and discover that some of the other people you were interested in have taken to dating someone else exclusively (who may be less suited for them than you but regardless they may be exclusive with that person for years and as a single stranger it will be harder for you to start a relationship, even if only friends, when they are already exclusively dating someone) besides which the conference is over and everyone is going home.  :(

 

 

As far as feeling special over being pursued exclusively, sure its nice but when that person hardly knows anything about you (comparative to other people they might want to date) then to me it looses a bit of its ah "umpf" :P . Pursuit without knowledge while flattering is either simplistic, misguided, or at best divinely inspired - or you believe in "love at first sight" as being a reliable mate-selection criterion. And in reference to the above scenario - what would you prefer: being picked after your suitor went through A or B?

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So sort of like polyamory without sex?

 

I have a feeling these commenters were half-serious, half-kidding, but I'll bite...  I think the idea is kind of ridiculous, quite shallow, and definitely unsustainable.  Most men wouldn't put up with that (same for most women if the sexes are reversed).  I can understand the situation where a woman goes out on one or two dates with one man, then nothing comes of it and she goes out on a date with another guy the next week; that doesn't seem unreasonable.  But being in multiple dating relationships concurrently?  It's a selfish waste of everyone's time (especially if she doesn't disclose the polydating to the men!).  That kind of person is more interested in a well-stroked ego than in having any kind of serious relationship.  

 

I agree. I will even go a step further. I personally don't like the common practice of dating people we barely know. It's true that a date is not a marriage proposal, but it still implies the intent of something more intimate than friendship. I think it's shallow and a waste of time, money and emotional investment to push for something more intimate than friendship when you and the other person are barely friends to begin with. To me that is moving way too fast and counter-intuitive to me. I think it's better to be friends first and get to know the person in a way that relieves the pressure and expectations of dating. When you date first, you're seeing their best foot forward and won't see the real them until later. Being friends first, you see the real them first, flaws and all. It builds a foundation of trust which would be ideal in transitioning to something more organically.

 

 

I would also feel way too overwhelmed! I just couldn't keep up with it. It takes a lot of time and effort to get to know someone, and having to do that with multiple people at one time would be way to stressful and time-consuming. I'd much rather date one person at a time until I find someone that I would be willing the spend the rest of my life with.

 

Even more importantly, I myself would never want to date a man that was dating other women at the same time. Why should I allow myself to date many men at the same time, when I personally wouldn't want a guy that I am interested in to do the same thing? That'd be a double standard right there. As you also mentioned in your post, I wouldn't feel like I was being pursued because he saw something special in me! :wub: â€‹Now, I don't know about other people, but if I were to date a guy that is dating other girls at the same as me, I would most likely be thinking a lot about the dates that he is going on with these other women (e.g. do they connect better? Does he find her more attractive than he finds me? Am I really his third or fourth option in case the other girls don't work out?)  

 

Don't think I could handle that.

 

Yes indeed. Even though the early stages of dating when exclusivity hasn't been formally established, I would still feel like I'm cheating on a girl I'm seeing by dating other girls. It doesn't matter what a person's definition of dating is. The single common theme in all definitions is that a date implies something more than friendship. Dating multiple people diminishes that "special-ness" factor because it reduces each dating partner to an option rather than someone special. If we see someone in a romantic light, even if only a possible one, they deserve our full attention. Like you, I do not like the feeling that I'm in competition with other people for the affections of the person I'm dating. Real life dating shouldn't be like the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. Dating in our culture has become too casual. There is such a lack of emphasis on real, meaningful connection. I for one hate being treated as an option rather than the priority and I'll be darned if I treat a girl the same way.

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I don't think I'd want to date someone who's dating other women. I'd feel like I wasn't special enough to pursue, lol.

(And where are they getting all these dates from anyway? I need to get out more.)

 

Love is that silly things when you want someone to have you. Not the other way around. So, when it comes, you'll not gonna think about yourself anymore. Silly it is, was, and will be. But majestic it is.

 

But then, about those kind of multi-date players, well...

Jerks.

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I was reading an article the other day and in the comments section, a lot of women were agreeing that women should date multiple men simultaneously as opposed to getting hung up on one guy and having him eventually break your heart. Many of them made it clear that they didn't mean have sex, but just going out on dates.

 

I think it really depends on what they mean by "dating multiple people." I've heard lots of people give similar advice, but it's typically only in reference to the first 2-3 dates or so. I think this approach really only makes sense if you're dating people you've never met before, or know very little about (like an OkCupid date, or a classmate you never see outside of lectures). The logic is basically, this way you don't have to pass on other opportunities that may come up because you feel obligated to someone you've only ever met once or twice before. It keeps you from over-investing emotionally in a very casual date with a stranger, where you should feel free to move on immediately if there's something that feels not quite right. I think most people who give the "date multiple people" advice agree that after a month or so of consistently seeing someone, you should either "make it official" and enter the exclusive-relationship stage, or stop stringing each other along and decide it's not meant to be.

 

However,

 

 

I agree. I will even go a step further. I personally don't like the common practice of dating people we barely know. It's true that a date is not a marriage proposal, but it still implies the intent of something more intimate than friendship. I think it's shallow and a waste of time, money and emotional investment to push for something more intimate than friendship when you and the other person are barely friends to begin with. To me that is moving way too fast and counter-intuitive to me. I think it's better to be friends first and get to know the person in a way that relieves the pressure and expectations of dating. When you date first, you're seeing their best foot forward and won't see the real them until later. Being friends first, you see the real them first, flaws and all. It builds a foundation of trust which would be ideal in transitioning to something more organically.

 

I pretty much agree with all of this. I don't think dating strangers is *wrong* necessarily, but...all of the successful relationships I've seen started off with a strong friendship before anything romantic came up, for all the reasons mentioned above. And I don't think that the kind of casual dating advice mentioned in the OP applies to friendship-based dating, because the existence of the friendship means that once you do decide to start dating, you're really skipping over the a good deal of the "casual" phase. After all, you already know the sort of info about your date that those casual daters are trying to play catch-up on. And the possibility for fall-out in a friendship based relationship is much greater (possibility of ruining the friendship and permanently changing the dynamics of your social group), so it's likely that the two friend-daters have already thought much harder about starting a relationship with each other than the two people who swiped-right on each other at 1am. Sure, maybe in romantic fiction a woman can have two good male friends who don't care that she wavers between the two of them as long as they still have hope of getting picked...but that's not how real life works.  :lol:

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Looks like I'll be the first to dissent  :excl:  Ah, dissent  :wub:

 

Dating multiple people at the same time doesn't make someone a player unless they do so deceptively/secretly or they use it to manipulate the people they are dating to their own selfish advantage e.g. promoting rivalry and competition. Chak, I would have respected that girl simply for being so upfront that she was dating other people. Though I don't think she should have revealed her preferences. While it sounds like she did so innocently and meaning well, it could lead to competition which smacks of manipulation. Unless she led you to believe your relationship was exclusive, slamming the door on her like that seems rather heavy handed. If I were you I would simply have let her know that I am not interested in dating her (or anyone for that matter) unless it is exclusive. You may have found her quite willing to make her dating with you exclusive considering how she valued you and your feelings. 

 

Which brings me to my other point. It's fine if you would only date someone exclusively because of your relational preferences or finding polydating too difficult, however if you expect other people to do the same you need to reveal that upfront

 

There is a big difference between mature men and boys in how they see and deal with things, as a man i take everything and everyone seriously as am confident enough in myself to not accept to be in anyones list or be anyone's option b, c or d , boys do that and like to take the challange to win the competition and do everything to make the girl choose them over the others following the progress of the relationship as you said ...we are not in a stock market here !!... a man focus on one person and give her all the attention to build a life and not win a competition and the date comes after a good period of knowing eachother as a friend so its serious .. and you not me to act like me, shes not the kind of person i would be in an exclusive relationship with anymore like you like to call it, as it was since she agree to keep dating and seeing eachother and got the possibility to end it at anytime she didnt felt comfortable and could move on her life instead of collecting men. its simply rude ..

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Sabrina: "ridiculous, quite shallow, and definitely unsustainable"

 

Regarding the merits of polydating. Again, this can depend on your definition of what is involved in dating, but I would disagree with the above assessment. Certainly for any WTMer even the possibility of polydating is unlikely - whether or not they would actually polydate - so the below scenario seems unlikely for us, less so for the average non-WTM dater. Imagine you are at a global WTM conference. There are a number of people you'd like to check out as potential partners. Do you:

 

A) Try and arrange at least one date with each of them to get to know them a little bit better and assist in determining who would appear to be most compatible before focusing your "pursuit", letting them know implicitly or explicitly that this dating is non-exclusive. Kind of like speed dating except that you reserve the possibility to have a second date with someone after you've had a 1st date with someone else.

 

Fair points :)  I think we do perhaps differ in our definitions of dating.  Regarding the specific example of a wtm conference speed dating scenario, I don't have a problem with it, I just don't think it would be very effective.  That wasn't the situation I was talking about though.  From my perspective, it starts to get sketchy when we're looking at multiple, concurrent dating relationships (which are necessarily romantic - otherwise it's just friends hanging out... which would be fine...)

 

That is unsustainable- meaning, the speed/polydating thing won't work past a couple of dates.  If the woman wasn't upfront about the situation to the men, then it is surely a waste of their time.  And this scenario in which you get to know multiple people at the same time in a dating situation is going to lower the quality of all those experiences (smaller quantity/quality time to spend with each person, heightened stress, high pressure, etc), so it is also a waste of time in that regard.  It is kind of ridiculous in that it's like an episode of the bachelorette (to be fair, I haven't seen the show, so it might not be as ridiculous as the ads make it appear heh).

 

On a personal note, I think I would be pretty emotionally distraught in this situation.  People would probably get hurt through this, and I would necessarily have to reject the guys after a while, or have them reject me, and all that emotional mess and insecurity and drama and ain't nobody got time for that. lol

 

Just my twopense :)

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        Okay everyone... if y'all can possibly diversify your opinion on this matter, then feel free to continue reading.  If not, then my post may upset you, just as a warning, so don't say I didn't warn you.  So I've been in some *dysfunctional* relationships let's just leave it at that, where I was fully committed and serious.  They were too.... but it's too complicated to explain and so I'll just stop there. 

         Believe me when I say not everyone is who they appear to be, and some do not show nor ever want to show who they really are.  Though I'm still young, I definitely wasted a lot of time through the years being focused and feeling obligated to be focused from the beginning on one person.  Because every guy I've dated has been intense and desiring to be committed to me right away and vice versa... don't know if it says more about them, or the effect I've had on guys who like me... maybe it's both... 

        Anyway, long story I ended up discovering that I have "broken heart syndrome" or "takotsubo cardiomyopathy" after it was triggered by breaking up with the relationships that meant the most to me.  Basically it feels exactly like you're legitimately going to have a heart attack, and I really thought I was suffering from a heart attack, it's really scary, and didn't stop for days!!  Months even!  In rare cases, if one continues to have this takotsubo cardiomyopathy without calming down/no relief, it can actually lead to a heart attack in rare cases, a literal tear in the heart, increased risk of ruptures, arrhythmias, and lots of other fun stuff!!  You know, stuff that could make me die, ;)  But as it is, I always find that all the rare statistics in life always seem to occur to me, lol.  I bring this up because I find that casually dating in the beginning more than one person has helped me NOT suffer from this, no matter what the dating outcome happens to become.  The cardiomyopathy has literally gone away, when I don't place pressure on myself to commit and emotionally invest to some mysterious intense person I hardly know, but think I like, lol.  And please don't say that I could pray away my stress cardiomyopathy in this case, because I am spiritual I guess you could say, and it hardly helped.  Some things need to be dealt with practically, that's why God gave me a brain to solve such problems.      

        Now, I would never lead any guy on, but I find it absolutely ridiculous (especially in retrospect after how my exs's were like when I first met them vs. the end of our relationship,) to commit right away.  Not that I'm placing anyone else's opinion down, I'm just saying I don't think I should be judged for casually going on dates with people in the beginning!  I mean, do y'all want me to have heart problems, because society expects me to commit so quickly to some person I don't even really know, but am in the process of trying to know??  If a guy would ask me if I'm dating other guys, I would reply honestly.  But I'm at a point in my life where I'm seriously allergic to b.s.,  And if a guy doesn't specifically ask for commitment, or say that he is really serious about me explicitly, AND most importantly I'm not sure yet if he's some sociopathic narcissist hiding behind the mask of a nice guy, then I don't see why I'm expected to be committed anymore to that kind of ridiculous ordeal.  Plus I hold no double standards; he can totally date who he wants to in the beginning and I would not be jealous.  I mean, I used to think that way, in the sense it made me think I was less special to a guy if he was dating other girls in the beginning.  But, now I can understand from personal experience this is not the case, and since I've taken many lessons from the school of hard knocks in the dating department, I totally wouldn't hold it against them and completely understand now.  Only though if they were casually dating others in the beginning due to having their trust trampled on / having previous lousy relationships, and not for any other reason like they just want to date multiple people for the sake of it in itself.  And even if they were only dating me, I would not encourage, nor want them at all to be committed and like me so much right away although I find I don't have the power to stop them, lol.  It's just not healthy, and can be quite the opposite in fact.  Then again, this is coming from the perspective of someone who takes a median of 7 months of "dating" to like someone more than a friend, and I realize by that time, unlike myself most people are already in love.  Plus I'm not much of a hopeless romantic, but more of a practical romantic.  Also, I'm not the kind of girl who needs to go on a bejillion dates with one person to know if it's going to go anywhere serious.  There have been many times where I have cut a first date short politely because I didn't want to waste mine or his time, call it woman's intuition.  Most of the times, the guys don't see it coming, but at the same time they are thankful for my honesty. 

       I think though there should definitely be a cutoff date to how long one is going to date multiple people, and that should be discussed when the time comes for when things get more serious.  Otherwise, it can start messing with other people's feelings once they all start having strong feelings (i.e. they want to marry you) for you.  And though I haven't been clinically diagnosed, pretty much everyone thinks and I think so myself that I have ADD, so maybe it contributes to why I'm not overwhelmed to date multiple people at once.  I thrive on multitasking, and actually get sleepy if I don't have a busy enough schedule.  :)  I do apologize if I seemed to come across harsh as this was not my intention; it's just very personal for me when it seems most everyone is saying it's completely wrong to date multiple people at once in the beginning.  And I'm just typing away here with a dormant heart problem, lol.  Like, literally, this is a topic matter that I take to heart.

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I personally don't like the common practice of dating people we barely know. It's true that a date is not a marriage proposal, but it still implies the intent of something more intimate than friendship. I think it's shallow and a waste of time, money and emotional investment to push for something more intimate than friendship when you and the other person are barely friends to begin with. To me that is moving way too fast and counter-intuitive to me. I think it's better to be friends first and get to know the person in a way that relieves the pressure and expectations of dating. When you date first, you're seeing their best foot forward and won't see the real them until later. Being friends first, you see the real them first, flaws and all. It builds a foundation of trust which would be ideal in transitioning to something more organically.

 

Yes indeed. Even though the early stages of dating when exclusivity hasn't been formally established, I would still feel like I'm cheating on a girl I'm seeing by dating other girls. It doesn't matter what a person's definition of dating is. The single common theme in all definitions is that a date implies something more than friendship. Dating multiple people diminishes that "special-ness" factor because it reduces each dating partner to an option rather than someone special. If we see someone in a romantic light, even if only a possible one, they deserve our full attention. Like you, I do not like the feeling that I'm in competition with other people for the affections of the person I'm dating. Real life dating shouldn't be like the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. Dating in our culture has become too casual. There is such a lack of emphasis on real, meaningful connection. I for one hate being treated as an option rather than the priority and I'll be darned if I treat a girl the same way.

 

Not everyone has the fortune to become friends with someone before initiating potentially romantic steps. Also, depending on how you go about it, developing a friendship with the ulterior motive of evaluating them and discarding them if they don't hold up to your anticipations isn't treating that individual with a great deal of respect. In keeping your cards covered you could be causing them torment as they don't know if you are investing out of a desire for friendship or building towards a romance. Sure, you don't have to discard the friendship once it is revealed that there is no potential for romance. But I bet that unless that person turns out to be a valuable friend or it doesn't take too much effort to maintain the relationship, you would invest significantly less resources especially when you have to start and develop friendships with every person you are thinking about dating.  Personally, I have a very narrow category for people I consider "friends" as opposed to "acquaintances". Some people maintain many friendships (extroverts) others prefer quality over quantity and would feel either stretched or not doing the friendship justice if they couldn't maintain a certain level of relating (introverts). I fall in the latter category. For me, trying to maintain a friendship that I cannot value as purely that is a waste of my resources, of their resources and doesn't treat them the way they deserve; I'd be a fake friend.

 

Certainly, people would tend to polish themselves up for any "romantic" encounters but I am sceptical of the notion that simply because I start the relationship on a friendship basis that I would be freely exposed to their seedy underbelly. Bearing in mind that unless that person completely friendzoned you [in which case dating them wouldn't last long if at all] then they may still consider the possibility of romance arising from the relationship and thus similar pressures/temptations to put on a show. Unless perhaps you state that it is "friendship only and you have no intention of anything else in the future" in which case you are lying and mistreating them. As I mentioned above, not everyone has the fortune to become friends with someone before initiating potentially romantic steps and certainly not everyone has the inclination or the option of developing friendships to the extent of them revealing their dark side. Unless that person is exceptionally shallow or an open book, in which case you would have found out soon enough dating them.

 

I disagree that a date implies something more than friendship. An obvious example being a blind date. There is absolutely no friendship existing there or to build on (though I guess you could say there is some kind of relationship simply due to "friend of a friend" you wouldn't treat them as complete strangers). In dating you learn about the other person to see if there is any potential for something serious.While couples/wedded people can say they go on "dates", they aren't technically "dating" each other. People dating don't call each other girl/boyfriend or husband/wife. 

 

Regardless of whether the person you are dating is polydating or not, you are essentially already in competition with every other eligible (and in some cases non-eligible) person; you are an option whether she is dating 3 people consecutively or concurrently. The only difference is that it is more explicit and tangible in polydating. Until the two of you have fully committed to each other aka marriage, you both are essentially in "competition" since your beloved is absolutely free to leave whenever they want to and for whatever reason whether they want to pursue someone else or not.

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I think it really depends on what they mean by "dating multiple people." I've heard lots of people give similar advice, but it's typically only in reference to the first 2-3 dates or so. I think this approach really only makes sense if you're dating people you've never met before, or know very little about (like an OkCupid date, or a classmate you never see outside of lectures). The logic is basically, this way you don't have to pass on other opportunities that may come up because you feel obligated to someone you've only ever met once or twice before. It keeps you from over-investing emotionally in a very casual date with a stranger, where you should feel free to move on immediately if there's something that feels not quite right. I think most people who give the "date multiple people" advice agree that after a month or so of consistently seeing someone, you should either "make it official" and enter the exclusive-relationship stage, or stop stringing each other along and decide it's not meant to be.

 

And I don't think that the kind of casual dating advice mentioned in the OP applies to friendship-based dating, because the existence of the friendship means that once you do decide to start dating, you're really skipping over the a good deal of the "casual" phase. After all, you already know the sort of info about your date that those casual daters are trying to play catch-up on. And the possibility for fall-out in a friendship based relationship is much greater (possibility of ruining the friendship and permanently changing the dynamics of your social group), so it's likely that the two friend-daters have already thought much harder about starting a relationship with each other than the two people who swiped-right on each other at 1am. Sure, maybe in romantic fiction a woman can have two good male friends who don't care that she wavers between the two of them as long as they still have hope of getting picked...but that's not how real life works.  :lol:

 

Fully agree. I don't think people conducting friendship-based dating would accept polydating. If you are already friends you probably have most if not all of the "hard data" you'd need to decide whether to jump into an exclusive relationship or not. And even if you didn't, merely from the fact that they are your friend and you want to keep your friendship and friendcircle as much intact as possible if things don't turn out, a thoughtful person would start friend-dating exclusively from the beginning. Linking in with Sabrina's quote below, I'd suggest friend-dating is not so much information gathering as it is assessing romantic compatibility, giving the chance for emotions to do some woeing, testing whether we can see this person that we like in a romantic capacity. Though certainly there would be some info gathering but a lot less since you've had the opportunity to ask questions and get answers in the course of the friendship.

 

Getting back to definitions, I don't see the dating in any potential polydating stage as "romantic" and I would certainly have a problem if it was e.g. poly-kissing. This is not the stage to be tugging at people's heartstrings testing to see if they or you could fall for you. That is playing with people's hearts and is not only unsustainable, it's downright unethical - unless perhaps all parties go into it with open eyes - in which case you might just describe it as immoral. 

 

Polydating is supposed to decrease the overall number of dates before exclusivity begins.  You think they'd lower the quality? I guess that depends what you are looking for out of a date during polydating and how many you are trying to cram into a timeframe. Are you expecting being wooed for hours....To be swept of your feet...Or to be assailed with questions and background information? When it comes to pressure and stress, I would argue that it is decreased in polydating: all parties would know there is no commitment past showing up for the date and being involved (if that even). Compare that to the pressure of evaluating a single person exclusively and you and them knowing that you both are shackled to each other until someone makes a decision to break up. You'd want to make sure you reach the right conclusions because of the effects that "moving on" from dating exclusively and then returning to try and date some more later on would have. Wouldn't that make you feel more like a fall-back?

 

Since Bachelorette keeps coming up and in case this isn't already clear from what I wrote; the little I've seen of it/the Bachelor has me opposed to this style of romance-focused polydating. If I had it my way, stranger dating would be very much "sensitive interview", which, I know I delude myself to some extent since people generally need to feel a certain connection to answer some questions. Unless you meet someone of a similar mindset who prefers going through a certain "intellectual/factual checklist" before clouding the waters with purposefully getting the emotions prematurely involved. 

 

Fair points :)  I think we do perhaps differ in our definitions of dating.  Regarding the specific example of a wtm conference speed dating scenario, I don't have a problem with it, I just don't think it would be very effective.  That wasn't the situation I was talking about though.  From my perspective, it starts to get sketchy when we're looking at multiple, concurrent dating relationships (which are necessarily romantic - otherwise it's just friends hanging out... which would be fine...)

 

That is unsustainable- meaning, the speed/polydating thing won't work past a couple of dates.  If the woman wasn't upfront about the situation to the men, then it is surely a waste of their time.  And this scenario in which you get to know multiple people at the same time in a dating situation is going to lower the quality of all those experiences (smaller quantity/quality time to spend with each person, heightened stress, high pressure, etc), so it is also a waste of time in that regard.  It is kind of ridiculous in that it's like an episode of the bachelorette (to be fair, I haven't seen the show, so it might not be as ridiculous as the ads make it appear heh).

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There is a big difference between mature men and boys in how they see and deal with things, as a man i take everything and everyone seriously as am confident enough in myself to not accept to be in anyones list or be anyone's option b, c or d , boys do that and like to take the challange to win the competition and do everything to make the girl choose them over the others following the progress of the relationship as you said ...we are not in a stock market here !!... a man focus on one person and give her all the attention to build a life and not win a competition and the date comes after a good period of knowing eachother as a friend so its serious .. and you not me to act like me, shes not the kind of person i would be in an exclusive relationship with anymore like you like to call it, as it was since she agree to keep dating and seeing eachother and got the possibility to end it at anytime she didnt felt comfortable and could move on her life instead of collecting men. its simply rude ..

 

Thank you for suggesting that I'm an immature boy, while you, sir, are a mature man. It added a certain something to my day. When it comes to taking relationships seriously, my personality (INFJ) is probably at the apex. Anyone, more knowledgeable with MBTI correct me if you think that is wrong. It is because I take them so seriously that I am careful in giving and asking for commitment. If I require more commitment than the other person is ready to give I am doing both of us a disservice. Dating is not the relationship stage where you are giving "attention to build a life" together. You don't know eachother well enough nor have you entered into the commitment to building a life together at that stage, if you have then its not "dating" or you're a sucker for rushing things and you don't take issue with burdening whoever you are dating with the implications of your excessive commitment in comparison to theirs. Dating is not the stage where you actively build a serious relationship - its where you evaluate the potential for building a successful, serious relationship.

 

As regards to trying to "win the competition", only a fool would change the presentation/image of who she/he is in order to do so since this inhibits a genuine evaluation of compatibility - which would be to the detriment of both.

 

I think we might be labouring under different definitions/uses of dating. Bear in mind that you don't have to be someone's friend to date them. That is probably the main point to the concept of dating; not everyone has the inclination, need or luxury of forming genuine friendships with people before dating them in order to evaluate the potential for becoming serious. 

 

This girl isn't "collecting men" unless she is using polydating to selfishly and exploitatively use the men for her own gain. Clearly, this is abusive and not genuine polydating - this "corrupted polydating" would most certainly place her in the category of player. The only remission she could receive would be in being upfront about her "playing" in which case any men staying with her would be trying to "play the player" in which case they wouldn't be the objects of my sympathy - or they were trying to "save the player".  

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Has anyone seen the movie This Means War? This entire thread keeps reminding me of it; it's a cute movie, you guys should see it if you get the chance :P

 

Although the main character definitely takes the idea of poly-dating wayyy too far, I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with poly-dating at first, depending on intentions. I am by no means committing myself to anyone by agreeing to go on a date with them. I've never actually poly-dated, but I have had a situation come up before in which it was a possibility. There was a guy I met through FB through mutual friends who I talked to online for a couple weeks before he asked me out on a date. He seemed nice and I enjoyed talking to him online, so I agreed to his date. Before our date occurred, a guy who I used to like a couple years back reconnected with me and suggested perhaps we should give a date a try. So, I already have a date set up with a guy who I really don't know aside from FB conversation and text, while I'm being asked out by a different guy who I knew I liked in the past and actually knew on a more personal level. Is it wrong to accept a date from the 2nd guy too? I don't think so. However, because I did know this 2nd guy, I also knew that he wasn't looking for anything serious and mostly was just wanting to have "some fun," and so I declined the date with him regardless.

 

I do take relationships very seriously and I will not continue to date someone I don't see potential with, which I can usually tell pretty quickly. I've only had one boyfriend, and he was the only person I ever went on more than one date with. So, no I would not ever lead anyone on, but I also won't let myself get overly attached to a person in the beginning stages of dating, which are typically non-exclusive. In fact, with online dating most people are talking/flirting/dating multiple people, and are also aware that those people are likely doing the same. And it makes sense since you really don't know who these people are yet anyway. If you feel a strong spark with someone and see potential after some dates and getting to know them better, then that person is who you'd end up exclusively dating. Simple as that. I agree with many of you though that dating someone you've established friendship with should be exclusive even if not spoken. And poly-dating should only be in early stages if it happens; you don't always know who has potential and who doesn't before a date or two.

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Interestingly, dating multiple people at once used to be quite normal in our grandparents' day. Ironically, a site that is attached to the old fashioned value of waiting until marriage is mostly rejecting the old fashioned notion of dating multiple people at once. Of course, I think this was only done during the very early stages of dating. I think you would "go steady" once you realized you really liked one particular person.

Honestly, a date is more casual than some people make it out to be. A first date isn't really much different than going out with a friend. You're just being more honest about the fact that you're trying to figure out if they're someone you would want to date. I do think friends first is potentially better, but I just think it's tough to expect it to work out that way.

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Yes, I definitely think they meant the act of going on casual dates. Certainly not having a real relationship with multiple people. I think it's kind of like speed dating in the real world and probably increases your chances of finding someone you really like.

I will say this though. You can't determine how someone's feelings for you will develop as you get to know one another and for me, I just don't want to deal with cutting people off. You know, like he's excited for the third date and I'm like no, you weren't chosen. Sorry. (It probably doesn't happen exactly like that, lol.)

The part about getting hung up on one guy and having him break your heart is what I didn't understand. It can happen but I feel like the relationship is probably more serious when it does. This might sound silly but I don't think we need to always be so concerned about removing our emotions from everything. Relationships are based on emotions anyway so you can't expect to find someone that way. (Although I don't recommend purposely investing yourself completely and attempting to go full steam ahead with someone you just met recently.)

Even if you date ten guys/ girls, if you really like that one person, then it will still sting if they don't feel the same. I think it's something that can work for people but the reason shouldn't be to guard your heart. Like I said you might still end up choosing the same person, and still get your heart broken if they eventually let you go. So problem not solved.

However, if you are trying to increase your chances of finding the one, then go for it!!!

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        Exactly Faeries, I was referring to casual dates; I would not have a very serious relationship with more than one person.  And like I said, I respect differing approaches than my own, and understand not everyone is comfortable with cutting people off.  However for me it's very easy to do, despite being a compassionate person.  I'm very much a "tough love" kind of person, and have friends/family who are the same with me, and it has all led me to be a better person.  :)  Plus they'll get over me, you know?  I mean, they have no choice but to do so.  :)  Especially since it's obvious we're not meant to be, I don't take too much guilt in myself being honest.  After all, even if one is a relationship, there is the chance of one of you breaking up / cutting things off.  For me, that's just life and I have absolutely no problem with reality.

       As far as the getting- hung-up-on-one- guy-and-him breaking-my-heart part was a bit miscomprehended.  What would happen is that guys literally the first time they meet me are very intense and already start telling me extremely serious things about our relationship between us.  And as a result I used to feel obligated to also emotionally invest myself and be committed, despite not wanting to / feeling comfortable to yet.  And then before I knew it, it's like they used the intense commitment as a form of control over me, and I believe that's why these "men" committed to me so quickly.  They feared losing me and feared losing control in general, and combined with their intense personalities, it later became clear to me in the relationships they were trying to create some kind of twisted co-dependent relationship whether they realized it or not.  They would put me down and want to control parts of my life under the guise of "helping me."  I was the one who actually broke it off with all of them, but that didn't mean my heart didn't hurt any less just because I'm the one who ended it; I am able to see the good in everyone very easily, probably to my detriment.  And as I got older, you could say it made me "tougher" and I'm very no-nonsense to begin with.  So ending relationships, whether I'm the one ending it or if someone happened to end it with me, doesn't hurt me as I'm able to see the bigger picture of life. 

           The only reason why it triggered stress cardiomyopathy when I broke up with them I believe is because it was abusive/dysfunctional and messed with my mind a lot at the time, and I was angry that I "wasted my time" with these guys.  But in all honestly, I really don't think I'd feel a sting if I happened to like one particular person that I'm dating while also dating other guys, and it not ending up working out.  Lol, I'm not a sociopath or anything like that, but I'm just not naturally one to be easily affected, so long as someone is not purposely playing psychotic / abusive mind games with me.  I have close friendships end, and though slightly sad at first, I have just been able to shrug it off and go out and have fun with other friends, lol.  I tend to let go more easily than others I suppose...  And yes of course, I may still hypothetically choose a person who may end up breaking things with me (although I have yet for any guy to break up with me, I've always been the one who has done the breaking up,) but like I said before, I easily move on from stuff like that because I realize life goes on.  I think what I was trying to get at, is that my heart ended up breaking because of the amount of dysfunctional intensity / emotional drama these guys placed on me all in such a condensed amount of time that it overwhelmed me to the point of physical ailment. 

          And because I don't know how twisted a guy or may not be when I first meet them, this is why I would want to casually date in the beginning.  For me personally, I have a naturally detached side to my personality, and I am very slow to naturally invest usually, so it's not like I'm trying to remove emotions.  It's just that my emotions aren't there in the beginning really.  Which is why I was so stressed from obliging myself to attempt at being so naturally emotionally invested in the beginning, when this does not come naturally to me.  I hope this clarification makes sense...

      And yes, there's always that increasing your chances of finding the one, but this is not my main intention.  I have also found casually dating in the beginning has made me realize more of what I really want and don't want out of a relationship.  When presented with different kinds of people, I find a different aspect of my personality is emphasized and brought out, and has helped me realize what I want to bring out in future husband, and what I want him to bring out in me.  Lol, I don't know if everything I typed out makes sense to y'all.  Hope it did.

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I have read most of your comments and I can understand the different point of views. Experience has taught some people to see life and do things differently, for me it has taught me not to downgrade other people's idea just because I don't agree with them.

If you think it wrong, that's just how you feel and if you think it's right doesn't make the other person wrong its different strokes for different folks.

I was listening to a recorded preaching one day and a preacher advised women to keep seeing other men until there is an engagement. At first I didn't agree with him because I don't like the idea of double dating but I know what he meant.

And seriously as long as there is no commitment as in engagement I don't think its wrong to not put all your eggs in one basket. I don't see it as cheating cos whether we agree or not a relationship is just a getting to know process anything can happen and anyone can walkaway. More reason why sex shouldn't be involved. unless you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life together in which case you seal it. Plus its easier to deal with breakups.

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