greengecco

Feeling regret

4 posts in this topic

Hi guys, im new here. I wanted some advice in dealing with alot of regret.

 

tl:dr version:

My Ex lied about her past, and i intensely regret sleeping with her, I'm still a virgin but did everything else with her, more than any other relationship. I feel cheap, fooled and a little disgusted. And yet i still miss her.

 

 

I'm a waiter (25m) and met, what i thought was a great girl(23f). The main issue though is that she was athiest. We continued to date because neither of us had ever met anyone we liked a much, but i told her clearly that we couldn't last because i wanted to marry someone religious too and she agreed.

 

So when the topic of our histories came up, i told her i was a waiter, although i had engaged in oral with my previous two girl friends. She told me she had 5-6 partners all boyfriends, which i accepted seeing as she was non-religious. She told me she held the same values at least with casual sex and hook-ups, and how disgusting people treat it in my city. She said this repeatedly over the whole relationship (which lasted 2 years).

 

fast forward to the end of the relationship. We had a friendly and mutual breakup. My mistake was staying friends, we still spoke everyday so it was like nothing had changed. She sent me a video of an event she attended, but didn't realise she was in the video, and i saw her grinding all over some guy.

 

I was shocked because she always told me she wasn't that type of girl. We eventually spoke about it, and she finally admitted that she lied to me about her past (in the double digits) I was devastated. She also told me she wasn't as nice a person as she led me to believe, and how shed mistreated partners in the past. She leid about her character which kills me.

 

It made me feel cheap and used. If I had known I would never have dated her i the first place. Now i have these intense feelings of regret for sharing intimacy with her.

 

I don't know how to deal with my feelings of regret anger and heartache

 

Thanks for listening

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Welcome to the forum Greengecco. Unfortuately there isn't anything you can do about it now at this time and place. The feelings of regret you feel is quite normal and natural as I am sure any one of us would have felt that way going through all of that. The feelings will just have to burn out over time. But what is important in this situation as it is currently is that you must take a learning out of this. It is okay to make a mistake. We are all human and we often let our judgement slip. Everyone makes terrible decisions at times. But the man who has never made a mistake has never made anything. As long as the same mistake doesn't happen again.

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Hey there...I'm real sorry about your situation. It never feels great to be deceived..it's hurtful and makes you wonder why/how someone could mistake you for being naïve...the truth is, as we go through life we're always learning new things. About everything. And the only way to gain knowledge, is unfortunetly to go through bad/good experiences. On the plus side, we can always learn. There is always room for growth!

I guess one thing I'm wondering about your post is...why exactly do you feel guilty? As far as I'm concerned, you were not in the wrong. At all. You opened your heart to her and gave her your all. She's the one who lied, deceived, and took advantage of you. She should be the one feeling guilty. She wronged you. Not the other way around.

Always keep this in mind...you are in control of you and you only. You control the way you act towards others, the way you treat others. But..you cannot control others, their actions, their words, anything about anyone who is outside of yourself.

 

One thing here that concerns me...is that because she hurt you...you may have lost trust in people. So, here's some advice. Reflect upon your relationship with her. Were there signs that she was lying? In the way she acted? The way she told her story to you? Were there ever times when you doubted what she was saying? Maybe you convinced yourself to believe her? Or worse, she convinced you, you should believe her? Look for the signs, remember these signs for future interactions with women and others. Go with your gut, don't second guess yourself. And, if it feels right with another woman in the future...then go for it again, give this new woman your all. But NEVER doubt yourself.

 

Best of luck to you!

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I feel guilty I guess, because I should have seen the signs. It was only the video, which made me connect all the dots. which was far too late unfortunately. And I feel dumb, because I am a vigilant person. I've managed to avoid so many situations because of it and I finally got fooled. And looking back it should have been clear from the beginning, because I've seen those signs in others

I don't feel like I learned that much, because she wasn't my type to begin with, knowing she was an atheist. And I never intended on dating another even when we initially started dating. I thought she would have understood my feeling because she was raised catholic. She wasn't even supposed to be in my city, so the relationship was always going to be short, but her situation changed and she got a job in my city.

It was my fault for staying with her in the first place. It was just nice to have a relationship, because neither of us had ever met anyone we liked.

I know I wont let it effect my future relationships, because everyone is different.

 

Thank you both for your replies and god bless

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