4800 Years

(Caution) Need Advice: Waiting and Rape

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Hey everyone. My girlfriend and I are 24, "waiters," and have been together for 4.5 months. During that time we have become each others' best friends. We have so much common ground we fit like puzzle pieces. We both come from conservative Christian backgrounds, but left and are currently exploring our faith together. She is everything I would want in a partner, and she feels the same way about me.

Unfortunately there is one major problem: at 18 she was raped several times by her first boyfriend (that's all the detail I'll give). This was her first experience with being in a relationship and her first and only sexual experience. She hasn't been in another relationship until me. She told me about this pretty early on and I accepted it without thinking too much about it. After all, it wasn't her fault or decision.

As the relationship progressed and we grew closer together, we began to talk about our intentions and views on marriage. And slowly the knowledge of her rapes began to eat away at me. Eventually I told her, and we've been talking it through.

My anxiety has been progressively worsening and I've been obsessing over this (I have OCD, particularly in regard to obsessive thoughts). Despite that, she has been absolutely patient and understanding with me.

I could use some objective guidance, advice, and encouragement in working through this. I love her and would hate to lose her over something that was never her choice or desire. I know how much that would devastate both of us. And I know it's really hard to find real love, a best friend, and a "waiter" all wrapped up in one. But I'm terrified I won't be able to get over it (which only adds to my anxiety). I know if I can't, then dragging her along would just be cruel.

Some questions we've been mulling over:

1. Is rape a type of sex, a type of assault, or both?

2. Would it be right to say she's never had sex before since she didn't consent or participate? Experientially, she sees it as something totally different (like being in a fight vs. being abused, or skydiving vs. being pushed out of a plane).

3. Would it be right to call her a virgin since she has never had consensual sex? Or would we be lying to ourselves? She does still bring the same level of innocence, purity, and chastity as a virgin, right?

4. Does this guy count as a sexual partner?

5. If we get married, will we still have that same "specialness" of two virgins coming together for the first time?

6. Does she still have just as much to give as a virgin?

7. How do I get over the idea of another guy having already "been there?" I feel nauseous when I think about it.

8. She never gave him anything sexual, he only took. But how do I stop from feeling like I will be "sharing" her with her rapist ex-boyfriend?

9. Is this something I will always be worrying about, even into marriage? Or will I eventually be able accept and move past it?

10. Could this help us both grow in the long run by helping her to heal and helping me to focus on the heart and love unconditionally?

I love this woman and I want to explore every avenue before deciding I can't handle it. I think I would hate myself for giving her up over something that was never her fault, desire, or decision. I also know that things happen in this life that are out of our control and part of a marriage is to stay together despite life's challenges ("for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"). But I fear that either way I'll always wonder what could have been.

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First things first: welcome to the forums! Secondly: I'm running late to a meeting, but I really felt this post was important and I wanted to get a reply out to you before I head out. I apologize if any of this comes off as curt; I'm hoping my tone comes across as honest and straight-forward, but tones are terribly hard to read over the internet. 

 

Anyway:

 

This was her first experience with being in a relationship and her first and only sexual experience...

 

1. Is rape a type of sex, a type of assault, or both?

 

Rape is not a type of sex. Rape is not a "sexual experience." Rape is not sex. Rape is an assault (well, technically a battery, but that's not the point). Rape is an attack. Rape isn't even about sex. Rape is about power and control. Rape is not sex. 

 

2. Would it be right to say she's never had sex before since she didn't consent or participate? Experientially, she sees it as something totally different (like being in a fight vs. being abused, or skydiving vs. being pushed out of a plane).

 

If she has never had sex before, then, yes, that's the right thing to say. Rape is not sex. If she was raped, she didn't "have sex." 

 

3. Would it be right to call her a virgin since she has never had consensual sex? Or would we be lying to ourselves? She does still bring the same level of innocence, purity, and chastity as a virgin, right?

 

This can technically depend on how you define "virgin". Is someone a virgin if they've had oral sex? If they've had digital sex? If they've used sex toys? People define that different, and maybe one of those might apply to her -- I don't know. But if you define sex as someone who has never had sexual intercourse, and she's never had sexual intercourse... then she's a virgin by definition, isn't she?

 

Also, I'm confused: if you acknowledge that being raped was not her fault (because it wasn't), then why would you question her purity or chastity? 

 

4. Does this guy count as a sexual partner or add to her "n-count?"

 

First off, why are you counting? This seems weird. I don't know how to answer this because I really don't understand what you're counting, here. But, again, if she was raped, then she hasn't had sex. A rapist does not count as a sexual partner. 

 

5. If we get married, will we still have that same "specialness" of two virgins coming together for the first time?

 

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure any given pair of virgins has the same experience their first time, so I don't really know how you plan to judge this. But that aside, you should probably be prepared for her to react to her first time differently than you do. Maybe she's A-Okay with it and there's no problem, but maybe it'll take her a little bit of time to adjust. Maybe she'll be more nervous about it. Maybe she'll have flashbacks. Maybe she'll need you to stop and you'll have to hold off until later. But, hey, that could happen to most people, so, again... it depends on the pairing. 

 

But what's "special" about your first time, as a waiter, is probably not going to be the sex itself. If waiters just thought sex of any kind was "special" then why wait? I think most waiters think that it's the intimacy that's special, it's being with the one you love wholly and completely. If you marry her, and you love her wholly and completely, why wouldn't it be special?

 

6. Does she still have just as much to give as a virgin?

 

As much to give? Can she still give herself, wholly and completely, to you? Sure, she can. Can she still love you, marry you, wait for you? Sure. ...Or is there something else you're wanting her to give? Also, again, depending on your definition and her previous choices, she's probably still a virgin, so this question might not apply.

 

7. How do I get over the idea of another guy having already "been there?" I feel nauseous when I think about it.

 

This is a harder one. Rape impacts more than just the survivor -- it impacts loved ones and friends and families, too. Don't let anyone invalidate your feelings or say that you are wrong to feel a certain way. You were impacted, too. You get to react. And if you need someone to talk to, there are plenty of crisis lines out there that have lots of experience talking to both survivors and loved ones of survivors. Make a call if you ever feel you need to.

 

It makes sense to feel nauseous when you think of how someone hurt someone you care about. That's a valid reaction. But be careful not to confuse that with how you feel about her

 

I'm not sure how you mean that first question. Are you saying you feel almost jealous? Because what do you have to feel jealous of? The rapist didn't have her love and devotion. She never gave herself to the rapist. The rapist didn't have that intimacy with her, didn't have her pleasure. The rapist just caused pain, violated her. That's not something to be jealous of. The rapist didn't "get there first." If you were to marry her, if you were to give yourselves to each other, then you would be the first person she'd give herself to. You'd be the first. No one's been on that emotional ledge before you. She's given no one else that honor. That'd just be you.

 

8. She never gave him anything sexual, he only took. But how do I stop from feeling like I will be "sharing" her with her rapist ex-boyfriend?

 

Examine why you feel that way. Flesh it out. Maybe talk to someone about it -- a friend, or one of those trained advocates who answer crisis lines. Walk through your emotional reaction. Why do you think you're "sharing" anything? What does that imply? What exactly do you think you're "sharing" with him?

 

You said it yourself; she never gave him anything. The rapist doesn't have her love, doesn't have her confidence, doesn't have her trust. He has none of her pleasure, of her smiles and laughter, of her joys. He doesn't have any of that intimacy you might one day have with her. If you were to marry her, and she were to give you all of that, how would you be "sharing" any of that when you have all of it and the rapist has none of it? All the rapist has is his violation of her. I'm assuming that's not something you want to share with him.

 

9. Is this something I will always be worrying about, even into marriage? Or will I eventually be able accept and move past it?

 

Could it potentially always be a part of your lives? Yeah, it could. But will you always "worry"? No one can answer that. Again, I'd recommend analyzing why you're worrying, what you're worried about, and see if you can't work through it. Knowing that someone you loved was raped is not something you just "accept and move past." It's something you come to terms with. It's something you refuse to let get in the way of your life. Ball's in your court, there.

 

10. Could this help us both grow in the long run by helping her to heal and helping me to focus on the heart and love unconditionally?

 

...Could what help you both grow in the long run? 

 

I love this woman and I want to explore every avenue before deciding I can't handle it. I think I would hate myself for giving her up over something that was never her fault, desire, or decision. I also know that things happen in this life that are out of our control and part of a marriage is to stay together despite life's challenges ("for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"). But I fear that either way I'll always wonder what could have been.

 

What are you thinking "could have been"? Are you imagining a woman who trusts a little easier or isn't as quick to stiffen or flinch? That still could be. Or are you imagining a woman who has never had to go through something so traumatic? Because that woman is probably a very different woman from the one you currently say you love. Or is it more that you're imagining not feeling nauseous when you think about what happened to her? Because that's something you could still work on, something that also still might be.  

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Welcome to the forums, 4800 years. 

 

Is rape a type of sex, a type of assault, or both?

Rape is not a type of sex. It is actually a form of sexual assault which usually includes penetration of the victim's body. It is often used as a legal  definition to specifically include sexual penetration without consent. Other forms of sexual assault would be attempted rape, forcing a victim to perform sexual acts such as oral sex or penetrating the person's body, fondling or unwanted sexual touching. Here is a site that shows how each state legally defines rape and other forms of sexual assault. 

Link: https://apps.rainn.org/policy/

 

Would it be right to say she's never had sex before since she didn't consent or participate? Experientially, she sees it as something totally different (like being in a fight vs. being abused, or skydiving vs. being pushed out of a plane). 

I think she is right in this case. In my opinion, she never had sex. What she experienced was rape.

 

Would it be right to call her a virgin since she has never had consensual sex? Or would we be lying to ourselves? 

That would also depend on your definition of "virginity" since the definition of virgin has varied throughout history, religion, culture, and even today is defined in different ways by different people. If we look at the basic definition of virginity as someone who has not had sex before then one argument would be that being raped does not mean you have not lost your virginity. Rape is not sex, it is an act of violence where one person chooses to hurt the other;whereas sex is about choosing to be with another person; it is a positive experience where both parties freely and willingly consent to what is happening. 

 

Does this guy count as a sexual partner or add to her "n-count?"

I am not sure what is a "n-count".  No, I don't believe this guy counts as her sexual partner, but more like a sexual predator to me.

 

If we get married, will we still have that same "specialness" of two virgins coming together for the first time?

Hm, I think the answer depend on how someone defines virginity.  For me, I would think your gf is still a virgin because she didn't willingly consent to sex.

 

Does she still have just as much to give as a virgin?

   Yes! Who a person is is not 100% defined by her virginity or lack thereof. Human beings are multi-faceted creatures. That being said, I do think your gf would have much to give considering she has qualities (personal or otherwise). I think answering this question largely depends on how you view her rape situation and ultimately her virginity. 
 

 How do I get over the idea of another guy having already "been there?" I feel nauseous when I think about it.

   I think you feeling nauseous is a good thing. It is a proper physiological response to a situation like this. It is also a time when you will be confused, anxious, and emotionally charged. I think your answer to this question would depend on your attitude. Personally, I would first recognize that your gf's rape wasn't her fault. Her rape wasn't caused by what she wore, where she was, or what she did. A rape happens when a man makes a decision to hurt a woman he thinks he can control. Rapes happen because of the rapist and not because of the victim. Secondly, the fact that your gf had the courage and talked to you about her rape experience is good news. It can be one of the most frightening experiences for a survivor to tell you what happened and she often wonders how you react. The fact that you accepted her and her feelings does help.

 

Is this something I will always be worrying about, even into marriage? Or will I eventually be able accept and move past it?

Well, rape has negatively impacted some marriages. However, I think you will be able to move forward as best you can. One thing that might help you is finding a support group since they will help you validate your feelings and meet others who share your experiences. You can also see a therapist who will offer an objective perspective on your unique situation

 

Could this help us both grow in the long run by helping her to heal and helping me to focus on the heart and love unconditionally?

Yes, this event can help your relationship with your gf grow. However, it will require patience, love, and time. Though, you sound like you are each other's best friend, which is good to hear. Hang in there! There will be some rough spots but I think you can have a deep loving relationship. 

 

Some resources that may help you:

1) Sexual Assault Service Providers Link: https://centers.rainn.org/

2) Virginity and Rape Link: http://www.pandys.org/articles/losingyourvirginitytorape.html

3) A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman who has been raped Link: http://www.capefearpsych.org/documents/Rape-mensguide.pdf

4) What is Sexual Assault? Link: https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault

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1. Is rape a type of sex, a type of assault, or both?

Rape is not sex. It is a form of battery.

 

2. Would it be right to say she's never had sex before since she didn't consent or participate? Experientially, she sees it as something totally different (like being in a fight vs. being abused, or skydiving vs. being pushed out of a plane).

3. Would it be right to call her a virgin since she has never had consensual sex? Or would we be lying to ourselves? She does still bring the same level of innocence, purity, and chastity as a virgin, right?

I define sex as mutual, consensual sexual contact [be that oral, manual, PIV, dry-humping, or masturbating together]. So if the instances of rape are what you are wondering about as impacting and not any other consensual incidents, then yes, she hasn’t had sex and is a virgin. Unless you take a purely physical standard for virginity, rape cannot affect someone’s virginity.

4. Does this guy count as a sexual partner or add to her "n-count?"
n-count? Had to look that one up. No, he wouldn’t count.

 

5. If we get married, will we still have that same "specialness" of two virgins coming together for the first time?
Being virgins, even in the strictest sense, won’t necessarily bring any subjective “specialness†to a marriage since both spouses can still be terribly badly matched. Consummating mutual virginity will not in itself, necessarily generate the kind of wonderful intimacy we WTMers desire from it – there are other necessary components. Thus it is hard to answer in regard to such a subjective question. If however, you believe there is an intrinsic specialness that can be expected when 2 virgins consummate, then since you are both virgins (presumably) you could expect that. It wouldn’t however be my approach.

 

6. Does she still have just as much to give as a virgin?
Since I would consider her a virgin: yes. BUT may I suggest that she has the potential to give even more than a virgin who hasn’t experienced the trauma she has undergone. To illustrate: who demonstrates greater trust? The person that trusts you and has never before been betrayed/lied to? Or the person who has experienced incredible betrayal but decides to trust you? I would argue that your girlfriend’s entry into sexual intimacy would be more significant than for someone without the traumatic history. That is, if she has worked through the trauma thoroughly and her decision is genuine. That would be my greatest concern, not whether she can be classified as a virgin or not but rather the extent of her recovery.

 

7. How do I get over the idea of another guy having already "been there?" I feel nauseous when I think about it.
8. She never gave him anything sexual, he only took. But how do I stop from feeling like I will be "sharing" her with her rapist ex-boyfriend?
9. Is this something I will always be worrying about, even into marriage? Or will I eventually be able accept and move past it?
10. Could this help us both grow in the long run by helping her to heal and helping me to focus on the heart and love unconditionally?

To me these questions illustrate that you both, separately and jointly, should look into counselling. Pre-marital counselling is recommendable in the most mundane of cases; in your context, and given the concerns, I would consider it absolutely essential. Though you don’t need to call it “pre-maritalâ€â€¦. If you have these concerns as a secondary victim, consider the potential concerns of your girlfriend – if only that your concerns may interfere in the mutual enjoyment of a marriage. You both want to enter a marriage not second guessing yourselves or each other. A counsellor may be able to link you with some resources on coping with third-party rape in relationships; you could surely find some resources and perspectives online too.

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Hmm, that is a tough one. I'm sorry, I wasn't going to answer all of those points one by one. I guess I'd say you've got to search yourself and figure out who you are and what you really want. After reading a lot of posts from other posters here there are some who are waiting and also want to marry someone who waited themselves (two virgins who will only have each other as their sexual partners) and there are some who are waiting but don't really care or mind if they end up with someone who didn't wait. I don't see why a previous rape would bother you (since it was in the past) unless you are looking to find another waiter who brings no sexual baggage or history into the relationship. The fact that you seem to be bothered by this is making me think you are a waiter who desires to end up with someone who also waited and has no sexual history, no other human has had intimate contact with her. If that is the case than you might not be with the right person. She has had sexual contact, a man has known her even though it was against her will. If you aren't looking for a waiter necessarily and are waiting for your own personal reasons but don't mind if you are with someone else who didn't wait than I don't see why this wouldn't be something you can overcome and move past and only look to the future.

 

The fact that you are troubled sounds like also being with someone who waited is important to you. Is that the case? If it is bothering you there is a good chance it will keep bothering you and sabotage things eventually, either you'll flee because it is too much or you'll drive her away by not accepting her past. If that is the case maybe she isn't what you are looking for. Do you know deep down what you really want?

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Hi

I am worst person to give you any advice

but i want to share few things

First of all rape is not sex and i think raped person is virgin i will gladly date someone who as been raped and don't give damn a bout it , what a wise person do if they wife get raped ? Dump her ? Because is it her fault ?

But there is big "but" here

I do care what she did after she get raped , look i am Iranian in this damn country raper will be executed if he find guilty ( which is pretty hard to prove ) at other hand in many communities it is bad and dishonored for someone to be raped(how stupid) so a raped girl may shut her month a bout it and do not try to punish raper because she cant handle being dishonored

with all this if i find out my girlfriend or wife get raped and she did not do anything a bout it i may reconsider continue my relationship with her

Why i said all this non sense ? Your problem must not be if raped person is virgin or not it must be what did she do ? Why she did raped several times ? Is she lie a bout it ? Maybe she just had sex and telling me she is raped ? When she get raped at first why she didn't informed others a bout it and try to punish him ? Why she didn't prevent it to be raped second time ? Third time ? Several times?

If i were in your shoes this thing was my problem if she get raped , tried to prevent it and she couldn't i don't care at all even i do admire her strength and power as woman who live in Iran (this situation is a lot easier for your girlfriend)

By the way keep this in mind , it is hard to find your puzzle piece , try to solve this problem , if she is "raped" it is all fine , maybe one day your wife will get raped dose that mean you are sharing her with raper ? So let this stupid staff behind and keep in mind you must consider this earlier not in middle of relationship so you may really hurt her if you dump her because of this

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@4800 y

 

I love this woman and I want to explore every avenue before deciding I can't handle it. I think I would hate myself for giving her up over something that was never her fault, desire, or decision. I also know that things happen in this life that are out of our control and part of a marriage is to stay together despite life's challenges ("for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"). But I fear that either way I'll always wonder what could have been.

 

If you're not bluffing here then I think you should seek marriage counseling. If you both share the same faith seek a counselor out in your church.

 

The questions you asked are personal ones that honestly, only you can answer. No one can really answer them, and well I have to laugh at the responses given to you.

 

The reality is, those answers given in this thread are "logical" but they don't represent how you're feeling about it. If you're not feeling good about it, it doesn't matter what answer you get. It's best to try and sort out your feelings, perhaps write a list of things that makes you feel bad and then burn it afterwards but without knowing you or having an idea of your temperament I can't really give advice.

 

I'd say, seek out a counselor you can trust and start marriage counseling if you're serious about cherishing her the rest of your life. Good luck :)

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Virginity cannot be taken, it can only be given. Rape is not a type of sex.

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Wow...so you've already gotten quite a few responses but here are mine for you! (For what it's worth)

 

Rape is definitely an assault. It is an invasion of ones body. So much is stolen when one is raped. She has given nothing to him, he stole from her.

 

What losing your virginity means to me: It is the highest level of intimacy you can give to another individual. But it must be given, willingly. When you give yourself to your partner you're allowing them to know every part of you, become one with you. Before this event, during and after, there is trust, love, desire to unite, happiness. You feel complete.

 

I can assure you, she felt none of these things with her rapist. I hope she's not reading this because the following could cause triggers..but rape will make you feel like you've lost yourself, your self worth, your dignity, your purity. She may feel like she's not worthy of you because of her past experience. But you've got to remember. He stole from her. She is still the awesome, beautiful individual that you have met and gotten to know and who you are now calling your best friend. She is not what happened to her. Rape does not define her.

 

No, he does not count as someone she's had sex with. Because she didn't. Her body was violated.

 

So you buy a new car (new to you), the previous owner put miles on it obviously. Are you going to hold a grudge against the car? Are you going to reject it because it's not right out of the factory? It's not the cars fault, right? Probably not a great analogy...cause obviously the two scenarios do not compare...but, just saying. She's at no fault in this situation.

 

If everything else is perfect about her, don't let this situation taunt you. And actually, if you truly love her, then you're going to make her feel the way she should've always felt...from the very beginning....love her, care for her. She is just as vulnerable as any other unexperienced woman. Sounds to me like you've got a keeper. Don't let her go. Get over your own irrational thoughts...

 

Honestly...I think she's being extremely patient with you..in my eyes, she's the victim here. She's the one who has been hurt and needs love and reassurance. Why are you turning this back on you? Making her console you? She was hurt. Not you.

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I just wanted take a moment to thank all of you for your responses here. After a while I was able to accept and look past the rapes, no doubt in part because your responses helped me to work through a lot of thoughts and emotions.

We did both seek counseling individually - her for her sexual assault and me for my anxiety and OCD.

Unfortunately, things did not work out for us in the end, but not because of the rapes. I may make a post about it later. Either way, I'm grateful to all of you.

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While I see the relationship ended, there are important things that can be learned from this.

For starters, this post is just one of many reasons why women should date confident and secure men. Otherwise, the guy burdens the relationship with stress. Furthermore, a guy that lacks confidence can be extremely selfish because he will be constantly thinking/focusing on his own insecurities.

There is nothing wrong with having preferences like virginity, if they’re not fueled by a lack of confidence and crippling insecurities. If they are, that person should fix those problems before dating. If they can’t be fixed, it’s their responsibility to tell their partner where they lack confidence, before feelings develop…So their partner knows the problem is not them but rather the other person. 

@4800 Years Someone who is physically/mentally confident, would not have felt “nauseous”, like they were “sharing”, or “worry” over their SO’s sexual history.  They would have hoped their SO was treated well during those times, do their best to make him/her happy, and be excited because they’re with the person they love, who currently shares the same values. Confidence means a person has self-assurance/security that comes from their life experiences or from valuing their own abilities and/or qualities.

Lastly, when my ex told me she was raped/molested for years by her older brother, when she was a child/pre-teen living deplorable conditions, my only thoughts were about her wellbeing…If WE were the ones that got raped and not our ex’s, WE’D want them to support us through love, compassion, and thoughtfulness.

Instead, your questions relate to yourself and/or what you might not have gotten as a result of her alleged rapes  :mellow:

On 6/22/2016 at 10:49 AM, 4800 Years said:

8. She never gave him anything sexual, he only took.

This shows you knew a rapist takes and the victim can’t give anything. This is why I find these questions disturbing and suspect there’s more to this story.

On 6/22/2016 at 10:49 AM, 4800 Years said:

7. How do I get over the idea of another guy having already "been there?" I feel nauseous when I think about it.

How do you think she felt when you would bring it up?

She should be the one who felt “nauseous” because she was allegedly raped.

A confident and secure man would not have felt this way. You should’ve felt sadness, empathy, and compassion for HER because she suffered from the alleged attacks.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Questions 1,2,3,4,5, and 6 (seriously???)

When you’re already in a relationship, you shouldn’t be comparing your SO to other women…you wouldn’t want her comparing you to other guys...Especially, if you were raped. Comparing is measuring a person’s worth, value, abilities, and/or qualities against another. Identifying is simply noticing differences and there is no overall effect.

By asking these questions you were doubting her worth and value as a potential wife. Worst of all, in these questions you were comparing her body, mind, and/or spirit to a non-victim…And that is how you treated the women you wanted to marry? Wow...nobody deserves to be treated like that, especially rape victims.

If you were simply noticing the differences between her and a non-victim, the alleged, assaults wouldn’t have negatively impacted your relationship with her. It should have made you loving, compassionate, and thoughtful towards her.

On 6/22/2016 at 10:49 AM, 4800 Years said:

6. Does she still have just as much to give as a virgin?

This has to be the most disturbing question :/ She told you she’s a rape victim and you were concerned about what and how much she can still give to you???….WTH? This was extremely selfish and I suspect the root-cause was due to a complete lack of confidence and security.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

However, there are some things that make me question if she was raped. I hope for her sake she never was.

1) She loved you but wasn’t devastated or angry to find out you had problems with her because she’s an alleged rape victim? Yeah…I don’t buy that for a second. If that did not crush or anger her, I doubt it happened.

2) After the first, alleged rape, did she continue to spend one-on-one, alone time with him? Did she continue to visit him alone or invite him over? Adults avoid rape, they don’t repeatedly head towards it.

So I think there are some major puzzle pieces missing from your ex’s side of the story…

 

On 6/22/2016 at 10:49 AM, 4800 Years said:

(that's all the detail I'll give).

Since you didn’t give all the information, here is my best guess as to what happened.

1) Her conservative upbringing told her pre-marital sex is wrong. So if she had consensual and satisfying, sexual experiences, she’s definitely going to feel bad/guilty for enjoying them outside of marriage. I suspect this happened.

2) She saw a major lack of confidence and security and didn’t feel comfortable confiding in you. As a result, she doubted your ability to handle the truth and probably thought:

            a. You would feel “nauseous, worry”, or like you would be “sharing” her.

            b. You would think less of her.

            c. You might question how much she can still give to you.

So if she tells you rape, maybe you can view her as a virgin and not “worry” about her sexual history. Things like love, virginity, purity, innocence, best experiences, et cetera, have to be given and/or willingly received, they can’t be stolen or forced.

Conclusion:

1) If she lied/mislead you because she thought she was sparing your feelings, thought you’d dump her because you valued her virginity more than her, or some sort of a combination, it would be inexcusable on her part. You don’t deserve to be lied, misled, and treated that way... Lying about one's sexual history is wrong, especially, if they're doing it to get something (i.e companionship, commitment, marriage… Et cetera) Worst of all, she would have totally dishonored actual rape victims.

2) However, if she was a victim, then she is the strongest, kindest, sweetest, most patient, forgiving, thoughtful, and loving women. I’d go crawling back to her ASAP! That’s a women worth fighting for!

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