AllishaG

Any luck finding people willing to wait?

20 posts in this topic

Hi all!

 

This is my first post in awhile, but I have a question I've been thinking about a lot lately.

 

How have the prospects been with finding other people who are willing to wait with you? I know both genders face different struggles: for girls it's often difficult to find a guy who doesn't expect sex after the first few dates. For guys it can be difficult because girls might assume there's something wrong if you're still a virgin.

 

So, I'm curious to hear everyone's experience with this. I just got out of a relationship with a guy who was very respectful of my decision and wanted to wait with me until marriage. However, he was my first and only relationship (I also met him at a Christian University) and so I don't know how likely it is for me to find anyone else like that. :/

 

Anyone in current relationships? Or anyone who has dated individuals who seemed willing to stick it out?

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It's cool you found someone who wanted to wait with you. Sorry to hear it didn't work out.

I haven't had any luck meeting waiters. The women I meet tend to be quite the opposite. I definitely think attending a Christian university had a large role in your meeting and dating a waiter. In general, it's usually people who strictly follow a conservative religion who wait until marriage.

Now, I don't think it would be ridoculosuly hard to meet someone simply willing to wait. I think once people are older and looking to settle down they're generally more concerned with other things than just sleeping with their boyfriend or girlfriend early on. The problem is that I don't know how many waiters are okay with someone simply willing to wait. I think most waiters want someone who is also a virgin or who shares their views on the importance of waiting, even if they screwed up before (or both). Personally, I would strongly prefer to date a fellow waiter, and if she's not a waiter I would insist she at least still have no sexual history.

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Yes, I know lots of people in this situation. I am a member at a rather large church and I am part of a youth group for young college age people with a heavy activities schedule. There are lots of people in this situation and of this mindset there. It is probably very hard to find anyone like outside of faith setting. Not impossible, just hard. Outside of a faith environment it isn't the "norm" to wait for your spouse, instead there is this constant pressure and reinforcement that you should lose your virginity before you are even out of high school and that that is the normal way to do it. It is expected that you'll have multiple partners throughout your life and that your spouse will not be your only partner. Waiting isn't even (usually) mentioned to kids ever in their entire lives. It is not impossible but I'd suspect it would be very difficult/rare for someone to find another person (who isn't 16-17 years old) who has this plan for their life outside of a faith community. Just one man's opinion.

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For me, waiting is a personal decision. However it is not a requirement for me to have someone who is a virgin, or even necessarily thought about waiting before. My boyfriend was not a virgin, nor had he really thought about waiting. He even admitted that he'd probably have tried to get me to sleep with him at some point, if it weren't for the fact that he knew I was waiting and that it was important to me.

 

He made me a promise early in our dating that he would wait until marriage if we got to that point, and he kept the promise. I think what I admire most is that, even if I had changed my mind about waiting and tried to beg him to sleep with me, that promise was important to him and he would have said that we need to wait.

 

He and I still talk almost daily, and even now he tells me that I gave him a new perspective on sex that he hadn't thought about before, and he sees how it's something special. So maybe waiting was not something he planned on before, but it seems he now appreciates the idea of it even though we aren't together.

 

That being said, I'm not out trying to find a virgin or waiter. Just knowing someone will give it a chance and wait for me, I think shows love and understanding.

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I have dated waiters and non-waiters. All of them were willing to wait. It was much easier for the waiters, but even the guy I dated who was a non waiter understood my morals and how important it was to me. He respected it and even liked the fact that I was waiting. It might have been frustrating at times, but there are definitely guys out there who would be willing to wait. They might be kinda hard to come by, but they ARE out there!  ^_^

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I found my girlfriend on OkCupid (well to be more honest, she found me). We're both 24 and "waiters." I think OkCupid is good because it asks questions about sex and you can compare your answers with others. We live less than 2 miles apart, but would never have met without OkCupid.

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Sorry, can't really help! I've never been in this kind of Relationship, but the contrary. My ex that I found at Church was not understanding why 2 people who love each other have to wait till mariage.

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I've found that there are lots of other people out there who are also waiting. I found my ex on a different website. Though the site was not neccesarily for waiters (as there were many sexually oriented groups on there which I blocked myself from seeing) there were also pro wtm groups on there. She was also a strict waiter. When visiting her once, her mom made the suggestion that we should try out sex to see if we are compatible with each other. We both laughed her off and said it is not going to happen. It was a bit of an awkward situation. I once before that, dated a girl who was a non-waiter. She was very critical of me for never touching or kissing her and called me a "sorry excuse" and thought there was something wrong with me being in the mid 20s already and never been intimate. But yeah, I am optimistic and believe there are still many waiters out there. I just sometimes hope that I am not too naive.

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Nope, no luck.

Most of it has to do with the fact I work so much though, and that I've been doing other things.

 

Also, I'm worried about posting too much on a forum considering there are always the possibility of shills.

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Its hard, because its such a personal thing here is no way to know. unless your already dating then ask. there might be alot of waiters.

 

I've met and dated a few, but the only problem is i didn't fall for any of them.

 

I've found it particularly hard, because people assume im a player. (maybe because im confident, and not bad looking?)

And because i live in the UK, people are into the hook-up culture here, theres not much of a dating scene. I seem to meet alot more promiscuous types

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I'm currently not in any situations where I can find anyone at all. Though I'm hopefully going to take a collage class at a state university in late august. Though it's not a not a christian one and it's a smaller campus as well. They have two big campuses, but they're both a few hours away from me.

 

So maybe I'll find someone there, maybe I won't. I don't know though.

 

Though I'd prefer to find someone who never wanted to have sex, or at least a WTM guy who isn't into sexual activities that are on the list of things I'll never do, or at least will accept and respect that there's things that I just won't do. (Like I'd ever find a guy like that.)

 

Since OkCupid has been mentioned above, I will say that I am a member. I don't really use it though, I visit the site multiple times a day and I use the quickmatch thing, but I don't message guys, and I don't really get messages myself, and haven't got many visitors lately. Last time I got multiple visitors in a short amount of time was a few weeks ago when I finished my profile and before then when I answered and explained a sex related match question.

 

I like the match questions on the site and how I can see a guy's views on something (especially something sex related) without talking to him, if he even answers any of them. And if you pay some money for the extra perks, you can even search for matches based on how they answer certain questions. 

 

There was a guy that messaged me like two months ago. He was like a christian WTM and a virgin. I did reply to his first message (it's the first and only I've replied to so far), but after that I didn't reply again cause he had already talked me into a corner. He wasn't exactly my type anyway, like his sex drive was the exact opposite of mine and he was too old anyway. Before I think it said he was like 26, but now it says he's 28, so either way he's too old for me.

 

I see guys there with a high match percentage when I browse matches or use the quickmatch that might be my type (I'll have to see what and how they answered the match questions), but I don't know though. Even if they were my type they don't stand out as much to me as they would if I knew them in person. 

 

Maybe I'll start trying to find and message guys on there sometime, but I might try to revamp my profile first. I don't post pictures of myself there for privacy reasons so I just have the boring default picture. Probably doesn't make me stand out to anyone there.

 

Maybe I'll find someone my type and willing to wait at collage, maybe online or somewhere else. We'll see.

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I am 43, haven been divorced over 7 years.  I have tried meeting a nice Christian man who believes sex is special for marriage, but only for marriage for about 6 years now.  In my situation it seems impossible, it is very, very discouraging.  Men in their 40' & 50's who claim they are strong Christians expect sex after a few dates.  I have not met one willing to save it for marriage.   It makes my head and heart hurt.   

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It is very tough! However, God has shown me that He has not answered my prayers for a wife or girlfriend yet because it has allowed me to grow so much closer to Him and it is a way to seek Him and show my faithfulness. He has shown me that when I me the one that she will be my Song of Songs and that like Ruth he can provide when it does not seem possible. I'm 31 by the way and have never been in a deep relationship but I feel very close to God and the spirt shows me what scripture to read everyday

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I have dated 3 men in my life. The first was a waiter when I met him and we both came from a similar religious background. We met randomly on a site that had nothing to do with waiting or religion. We broke up for reasons not related to waiting. The second was not a waiter. I met him at work, and we ended things literally because he could not agree to wait. That was tough knowing that was the reason. Be sure to bring up a life decision as important as that early in a relationship. Thats a mistake we made. We only dated 2 months, but I wish I would have brought it up earlier. The third is my current boyfriend. Before meeting me, he was not strictly a waiter, but he had opinions about waiting for sex longer than the average person, so it was an easy transition for him to respect my desires to wait until marriage and even understand and agree with my reasoning. We met on OkCupid, and because of the questions the site asks you, he already knew going into our first date, that I felt that way. We've been together 2 years and we have a very respectful and understanding relationship with each other. We try to always get on the same page.

So, in summary. You can find waiters everywhere. But if you find someone and you're not sure if they are, your best bet is to make sure that lifestyle choice is on the table early on in the relationship (not necessarily the first few dates, but early). That way, you won't set yourself up for disappointment if you figure out later on that he can't deal with it and respect you.

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This is an interesting question. I would say that the most important things to remember are to be patient and 'put yourself out there', either on a website, or get to know other people in similar environments - faith based communities etc.

My background - I'm married (you can find my story in the Articles - Sexless in the City columns) and I originally had more trouble trying to find someone who would accept me for who I was. 

Even in religious communities, there are people who are religious but are certainly not supportive of WTM. I've dated one of them, but I don't have any regrets. I later married a fellow WTmer who I met through my religious community who I got married to  ....so I would say that its important to get to know more people, and talk to potential partners about beliefs and views early.

 

 

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**sigh** Nope. That's pretty much one of the main reasons why I'm still single. Every time I've liked a man, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore when I tell him that I don't want to have sex until married. I don't know why most men seemed turned off by this? Has society conditioned them to think that being in a relationship means you have to have sex? (I guess I'll just continue with those strange dreams I've had since I was 4 years old about an unknown English man for life,at least he's respectful) In all honesty,are there really men out there who are willing to wait,or are they just shamming till they convince the girl to give them some?

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I personally haven't but I also have not been dating in the last while, but I've been intrigued to meet a of women who said they did wait and their partners waited for them.

#1 Met her husband while traveling. He was working in the hotel she was staying at. I don't know the details of how long they were dating but she told him her views and he honored them. She's Christian and it was due to her faith that she waited. I'm not sure if he was Christian, but they both attend church now and are taking their kids to church. From some conversations with him I can tell his views on sex were different, but he is quite content with his life and seems to really respect his wife.

#2 Met her husband at a "Meetup" (meetup.org) event from a group she ran. She's Christian, he's not religious and even though his lifestyle was different than hers and he has some sexual history (and two kids from a previous relationship), he honored her decision to wait. HOWEVER... the one thing about this story that tarnishes it for me is how rapidly they got married. I think it might have been a classic "I want to wait to have sex but don't want to wait a whole lot once I'm in a relationship so let's get married nownownow". They were engaged at 3 months of dating.

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My experience with this is that it's very difficult. My first boyfriend in high school--this never came up. My second boyfriend--part of the reason we broke up was because I wanted to wait and he didn't. He even said "what do you want me to do? Wait years for you?!" (We were 16 at the time.) My third boyfriend -- I didn't wait, and engaged in sexual activity. It led to it being difficult for me to emotionally separate from him when we broke up, and that was one of the reasons why I wait now. A long period of singleness followed. My fourth boyfriend was willing to wait, and we seemed great each other, but it didn't work out. My fifth boyfriend had multiple partners before me, claimed he could wait, and then was like "this is too hard for me." So, in short, it's difficult to find someone who is willing to wait. Not impossible. Just difficult. I've been on a few dating sites and when sex came up, and I made my position known, suddenly the man disappeared. So...it is what it is. I just know that there's more to me than my sexuality. I have a lot to offer and give, and I won't settle...I've come close to doing that, and I don't want that for myself.

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Owsh that's my bad luck,, i never met a man interested in me willing to wait.

I am 30 and never had a boyfriend in my life, because i was afraid it would tempt me for sex and rather i know girls who fell on the temptation of sex because they had boyfriends and were alone in room etc.

When i was 25 i felt ready to have a boyfriend but wait for sex till marriage, but hey i never met a guy who meets my criteria of a man to date, a man who is willing to wait. Untill now i haven't find that man, so it is very difficult. Its difficult to even find a man of my age not in a relationship like me.

However i don't want to wait forever, i want to meet someone and get married with him even if he was not a waiter, but must wait for me faithfuly even if its 6months wait. He must know how to wait, and value me more than having sex with me, for i am not just a sexual package.

1Love.

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