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Guest OneHappyGirl

Sorry if it's long but I don't get it....???

20 posts in this topic

Alright you guys, I have a concern I want to share with ya'll and would like to understand ya'lls perspective on this topic. I want help sorting out my confusion. Thanks you guys. :)

Well here we are, waiters-WTM. I don't get it, you guys, like people tell me that it shouldn't matter if I marry a non-waiter but it does, it does matter.Doesn't it??

I mean, personally, I see it as how is it fair for a waiter to have to hold out and refrain from the options and situations that come along but our future SO is allowed to romp around and try out every ice cream flavor just because they love that flavor or it's convenient or just couldn't refrain from it??! Bull.This really irks me, Now some of ya'll know that I (like others on here who can relate) have loved and lost and the way I see it is if I marry a non-waiter I'm gonna be really pissed and, quite frankly, I probably will have a hard time being faithful to him. Why?? Well hell, in that case, I should've stayed in the last relationship I was in or accepted him back then, it's a double standard.No. I refuse to accept that marrying a guy who's not even thinking about how his sexual baggage will come into our marriage during a very private and intimate time it not a big deal. No. I will not accept that.

Let me give ya'll an example, at work they call me an "old soul" because I like oldies music and one day this song came on, (can't remember it). I was listening to a playlist of little clips of songs so only a little bit would play then go onto the next one. Well this one song comes on then stops and goes onto the next song and my Boss (who's male) say's to me from his office, "awe man why'd you stop that song I was beginning to reminisce on the times I used to fool around with the girls in my truck to that song back in the day." I said, "awww did you love them??" He says, "Yeah for a night or two. hahaha" and I just smiled and on the inside I got really sad. Why?? He's married. How sad for his wife-that wife could be me or ya'll if ya'll switch the scenario around.

I'm sorry I don't think it's funny. I think it's something serious and I'd be really hurt if I'm over here waiting like some "good girl hermit" and my future SO is chugging it down and rolling around with susie q just so 20 years later when we're married he can "smile and remember what a hell of a time he had" while I'm trying to be a good wife. No, that's not fair to me and I don't think it's fair to ya'll either. However, I do understand that some of ya'll are like my sister's who it bothers them sometimes but it's not a major issue. Well it is for me because I"m not holding out just so I can marry some guy who thinks after he's tired of having a hay day he can "settle" down with me and it'll all be hunky-dory. No. I understand we're human, people make bad decisions or whatever the case may be, but does that I mean I should accept it and be like okay while I'm giving my whole self to you I'm only getting part of you. *sigh*

Have ya'll seen the movie "40-year old virgin and how the guy is at the beginning??" Where's that guy?

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I can relate to your feelings and thoughts. For me I want more than anything to marry a "waiter" very much--someone with convictions, that respects himself and me and no I don't want the "previous baggage" from his past sexual relationships. I want to experience that gift with him and learn together. It DOES hurt to think my future husband may not be waiting. In some ways it feels frustrating to possibly be waiting for someone that may not have waited for me. Sex isn't something to just "give out to whomever." But I also know that grace and real love cover a multitude of wrongs. It is late here so I will try to write more when I can think better, but I just wanted you to know you are definitely NOT alone n your thoughts and frustrations.

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I don't have to marry a waiter. I couldn't care less whether the guy I marry is a waiter or not. I mean, "baggage" from relationships isn't always made heavier because of sex. I've known two guys who never had sex with their high school sweethearts and are still an emotional wreck from the breakups. Yes, sex can make "baggage" worse, but not always. If I felt like there was any "baggage," I would not get involved. Casual sex, however...that I would definitely not like in a guy I date. If he had one fling while drunk and regretted it terribly, that's okay because it means our morals are on the same level. But if any guy has casual sex for the fun of it, that means our morals are on completely different levels and I would friend-zone him.

I don't see anything wrong with having pre-marital sex as long as you're in love, so as long as my husband has only ever had sex in true-love relationships, I don't care. But I also don't think it's fair to say "you've had casual sex before so even though you truly love me, you don't deserve me and I won't date/marry you." That's quite harsh, I think. But of course any guy who wants casual sex wouldn't date a waiter for any other reason than the hopes of de-virginizing her.

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Hey OHG!

Yeah, this is one of the things that worries me too, a lot, in fact. If I found the right guy, and he hadn't waited, I suppose I would marry him if I really loved him. I'd just have to forgive him for what he's done and love him despite it.

But, by God, would it hurt. Honestly, even when I just think about what it'd be like if my husband hadn't waited, I feel kind of sick. And I don't know if it'd be like that in real life. But, if it was, then I guess I'd be in for a pretty unhappy marriage when it came to us making love: I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about, "Hey, this isn't so special for him, he's done this exact same thing with other women."

But...I don't know. I'd like to think it wouldn't matter to me, but until I'm actually in that situation, I've no way of knowing if it actually will or not.

xxx

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But...I don't know. I'd like to think it wouldn't matter to me, but until I'm actually in that situation, I've no way of knowing if it actually will or not.

Agree 100% Jegsy! I think I'd be okay with it because I dated a non waiter before who was going to wait for me, and at the time, I felt okay with it.

I think the hardest part would be not that it wouldn't be special because it still would be as WE waited and love each other, but wondering if he is still thinking of one of them when with me. :unsure:

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OHG,

I completely agree with everything you've said.

Society/people don't like to admit it but there's often plenty of sexual baggage out there. Society's message is something along the lines of "have a lot of sex" and when it comes to the sexual and/or emotional baggage that arises from sex, there's no answer. You're supposed to get over it and ignore it even though statistics and logic tell you differently.

You shouldn't feel bad for wanting a waiter, or at least someone with similar sexual convictions. You've saved yourself so why shouldn't your future husband give you that gift as well? If a person has only had sex in committed relationships, that's something worth admiring, but guess what? That's not the same as WTM (I'm not saying I would write that person off but you get the point) You're absolutely right that it's a double standard. Lots of people that say/tell you "it doesn't matter" are often people who can't even relate to WTM.

There's a word for guys like your boss: pigs.... *oink oink*. By openly reminiscing about women that he's had sex with, he's disrespecting his wife. That example is actually perfect for explaining your point. The biggest thing is that your boss doesn't even seem to freaking CARE about it. It's one thing if I married a non-waiter who had changed/reformed, who decides to wait with me and develops comparable feelings about sex, but I'm not marrying a person who endorses casual/lackluster views about sex. IMHO that would be a double standard, despite the fact that society will tell you otherwise.

In a nutshell, you're right. Ideally, I would want a waiter or someone with comparable values about sex. If the woman harbored lackluster attitudes about sex, I would see that as a double standard and that woman wouldn't be worthy of my V-card. I'm not saying we're better than anybody, but you shouldn't feel bad about feeling the way you feel. Nor am I saying don't give non-waiters a chance. All I'm saying is don't feel guilty and that yes... you bet your bottom dollar it matters.

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I agree too OHG. And great post TG! I'm completely with you. If I were to marry a non-waiter she would have to have comparable views on sex and/or take it as seriously as I do. I feel the same as y'all though; thinking about my future wife doing the deed with other guys before me just makes me cringe. I mean, I know from just dating non-waiters that it bothers the heck out of me even just during the dating phase. I guess in my mind I always figured those feelings would eventually go away but now that I really think about it, having never been in that situation I'm so not sure they would :/

It's not only a fairness thing...it's the fact that those other guy(s) would have a piece of my wife I could never get back. I know that may sound crazy to many non-waiters but I don't care thats how I feel...

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DD... I married a non-waiter... and it bugged the sh*t out of me that some other guy had a piece of my wife I would never get or have... and it made me full-on anxiety attack about would she think of him, was he better, was he what she really wanted, was I ever going to be any good at it. Full on anxiety.

But... you nailed my situation in your first sentence> she did take it as seriously as I did... but she had been on a different path... until we met. We spoke of those feelings and my insecurities and her regrets and we worked through it - and she was VERY reassuring that she wasn't with them, she was with me and why. She completely understood why i felt the way I did... but she also made me pause and realize that a-you can never go backwards and b-she was (and is :unsure: ) with ME.

I know that's not going to be the story of every non-waiter you may encounter, but I just wanted to let you know that I had to look inside myself in that situation, and realize that fairness had to do with dealing with where you are, vs mistakes & regrets from before. I am the happier man for it - for what it's worth... ^_^

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Hey OHG, Well Let me put it to you this way I agree with u 100%. We've already have talked about this before and have had similar situations happen to us. If you want that perfect guy, that dream guy, then go for it!!!! Dont let society tell you other wise because I really believe your only as worthy as u think u are. If you think u dont deserve that perfect dream guy of urs ,or are losing hope and ready to give up? Than guess what you wont find him!!! Guess what ur not the only person who feels this way, as I do to.

So there u go now theres 2 of us on the same boat!!! Trust me there are over 6 billion people on this planet so I like to think that our chances are high!!! There are people from all over the world that have the same values on wtm so everything isnt lost yet.

Even more an awesome story

Yesterday me and my buddy went to go hang out(women hunting) Haha you cant call me names because am wtm :D Or say its because of guys like you, etc.

So pretty much we Went and hung out with some girls and pretty much there were these 2 girls who decided to drink and ended up getting wasted. They started spilling there guts and talking about all the guys they had slept with and etc. Me and my friend were like these 2 chicks are trashy!!!

But more importantly After hearing there stories I was so happy That am wtm!!! Like they dont know what love is, like they have completely confused sex and love together to the point were they dont know if they love the feeling of sex or love the guy there with..... And all the articles and statistics that I have read on this site finally made sense to me "I was like I wonder what are the chances of these 2 girls having a successful marriage?" There honestly shooting themselves in the foot without knowing it.. one girl was like "me and my bf are moving in together, I wonder if he's guna get tired of me?"

I honestly thought "If you think he's obviously guna get tired of u, he probably will, and ur relationship is probably soley based on sex and being superficial"

Now luckly there was a third girl their who never involved herself with these 2 and just kinda laughed when they talked but never really put herself out there and I have a feeling shes a virgin and she said she was christian, but more importantly sometimes u gota go out and look around, like I would have never expected such a nice girl to be friends with those 2 girls.

But more importantly if your looking for that specific guy dont come back home until u've found him!!!

Heck dont even bother bringing a guy home unless its that guy!!!

As u see there are guy waiters on this site :D so dont lose the faith!!!

I've finally have accepted that am wtm and I havent been happier

Best of luck Seeflo

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Awesome Seeflo I loved your post!

Thanks for the response Ian that does make quite a bit of sense. And I think communication like you and your wife have are definitely key...really regardless of whether both people are waiters or not for that matter. I just think thats so great and I hope and pray I can have that kind of communication with my future wife!

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I agree with you, OHG, and that's part of the reason why I'll only marry a virgin.

But some people have different ideas on waiting until marriage. Some people are doing it for themselves only, and are good with the idea of marrying someone who's done the deed before. Others, though, want their spouse to be pure too. That's me. I have to agree with Dodge, I don't care what others might think about this but I can't stand the idea of marrying someone who's given her virginity to someone else. So, I'm only going to walk down the aisle with a virgin bride.

I don't think that's a sin, and my desire to do so isn't a sin.

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That said, if you do marry a non-virgin, you have to be careful about the type of non-virgin you marry. It's one thing if your significant other feels bad about it...really, really bad about it, and tries to make amends (although I don't know what that might involve). If, on the other hand, he/she rationalizes things with "but we were in love" or "we were just having fun", that's a red flag.

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That said, if you do marry a non-virgin, you have to be careful about the type of non-virgin you marry. It's one thing if your significant other feels bad about it...really, really bad about it, and tries to make amends (although I don't know what that might involve). If, on the other hand, he/she rationalizes things with "but we were in love" or "we were just having fun", that's a red flag.

Exactly. Except I think being in love is an a-ok reason to have sex. But fooling around just for fun, or it being okay because of the third-date rule...not acceptable in my opinion. I hate that stupid third-date rule!

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omg you guys I don't even know where to begin wow! You guys rock!! :D Seriously, I mean honestly, I felt I was the only waiter who thought this way! It truely is encouraging to hear ya'll relate with the same concerns, it is comforting. Each of ya'lls responses were so helpful I don't even know who to reply to first but, nonetheless, I truely appreciate every response. Also, I do understand those of ya'll when ya'll say that through love ya'll would be able to forgive your partner and look past it, hey more power to ya'll! Also, I do think ya'll are right in the sense that just because someone didn't wait doesn't mean they shouldn't be given a chance. I'd probably give a non-waiter a chance, if all else fails, under the circumstances if he's only been with one person two is pushing it. And for those of ya'll who are not willing to compromise getting a waiter I totally agree that that is the best alternative and my personal preference as well♥

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So, I'm only going to walk down the aisle with a virgin bride.

I don't think that's a sin, and my desire to do so isn't a sin.

I think that is soo cute♥ I love the way that sounds♥♥

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I think that is soo cute♥ I love the way that sounds♥♥

Thank you!

But really, you're right, it's not true that it doesn't matter who we (as waiters) marry.

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OHG, I just want to let you know how happy I am to know there's someone out there who feels the same way as I do. For the longest time, and it's been tormenting me for soooo long, I was feeling EXACTLY like this. And I felt horrible, because these thoughts made me feel cheap. My sister asked me how I could just judge my future husband based on that simple thing, but the truth is... to me, it's not simple.

It's funny, because what triggered it was something so non-important. I was reading an article, and it says that guys will sleep with the whores but marry the good girls. And I always considered myself more in the "goody-two-shoes" category, but instead of feeling better, I just felt horrible! I don't want to be the virgin some guy marries because he's exhausted all the whores. It's just... it would crush me, really.

And I understand about that jealousy. Even though it hasn't happened yet, I know FOR SURE that there's a part of me who will be jealous, and I'm scared of that part too. But I don't know what it's like to fall in love, so I cannot imagine just how much it will matter if my future husband waited for me or not. People say it won't, if I truly love him. I don't know how much "truly" means. So it never really stopped bothering me.

I'm sooo glad you asked this, so now I can go read what everyone else has said and make myself feel better.

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I completely understand how you feel. I don't want to feel like he's comparing me to the other people he's slept with but at the same time if he is special enough to me I think it is something I could get past. I don't usually get very jealous, it would just be more of an insecurity. That being said, my ideal situation would be to marry another waiter because I think it would make for the easiest start in a marriage.

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I'm really glad that somebody thinks about these things too. This thought used to really consume me because I felt that if I was going to give the gift of my virginity, then shouldn't I be deserving of the same gift in return?

As long as I have made the promise to wait, a great majority of my friends who made the same promise have since then broken it. These same friends have been telling me that it's very unlikely that I will find a man who'll respect me for my promise of purity, let alone be pure themselves when I do get married. My heart sunk a little, but I still haven't entirely given up all hopes.

I guess I feel that good people make bad decisions and in life, there are no do-overs. I'd love to marry a virgin husband, but I'm sure that if I don't, it'll bother me initially, but true love always prevails and I'll get over it. What would make it easier for me to get over myself, if I do marry a non-waiter, is how he regards his sexual past before me. My most recent ex was a self proclaimed non-waiter before I even started dating him. He told me that he respected me for my decision and that I had nothing to worry about. Naturally, we went more into the deep end about our exes. The ex he lost his virginity to and who he called his first love was very childish, a manipulator, a pathological liar, and all around demonic. He told me that he wouldn't ever be with her again, even if it meant dying alone,but what hit me really arrogantly was when he told me that he didn't regret losing his virginity to her.

To get to the point, he turned out to be a real douche bag who didn't respect me nor appreciate me for who I was and how right I was to him. It was always about the girls he couldn't have and about his exes that obviously didn't care about him. He was a bunch of raging hormones and within two weeks, he tried to get me to do disgusting things. He didn't care that he had given a part of himself away to another girl that, even if I did become, his future wife couldn't get back! He was very self absorbed and obsessed with the thought of, "Look at me. I'm playing with a brand new toy- I have a virgin!"

On the other hand, there are people who do regret their actions and their morals are still alive within them and it shows in future actions. I'd much rather be appreciated by my future husband for saving myself for him as opposed to being his "bragging rights." I hear from a lot of non-waiters that married a waiter, or two non-waiters who married, that they regret not waiting for the one that they call their soul mate. There's usually more guilt coming from the one who didn't wait and they have the burden of regret. To me, as long as you wish you had waited for me and are faithful, that is what matters to me!

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To get to the point, he turned out to be a real douche bag who didn't respect me nor appreciate me for who I was and how right I was to him. It was always about the girls he couldn't have and about his exes that obviously didn't care about him. He was a bunch of raging hormones and within two weeks, he tried to get me to do disgusting things. He didn't care that he had given a part of himself away to another girl that, even if I did become, his future wife couldn't get back! He was very self absorbed and obsessed with the thought of, "Look at me. I'm playing with a brand new toy- I have a virgin!"

Ugh...totally know what you mean PrincessZelda!! There are plenty of guys like that in college; I'm sure after too---the hard thing is just finding someone who is respectful and kind whether he has his virginity still or not. I agree with you that it is very telling about how a guy is about his past--does he regret it? Does he feel okay about it because it was in a committed relationship in which they both really cared/loved each other? Or does he whine about girls he didn't 'get'?/like having a 'new virgin'?

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