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TarantulaNebula

How to deal with promiscuity resentment?

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Hello,

 

I'm a new member so I'm not quite sure what to expect of this message board. However, I hope I can share my problems and ask my questions to you on here...I'd be very grateful to know what your thoughts and, maybe even, advice are. Please excuse my English, too, I'm not a native English speaker.

 

I'm a 29 year old woman who has always been highly idealistic. I'm the sort of person who always ponders over 'right' and 'wrong', because I'm of the belief that all of our actions and choices have consequences. Whether positive or negative. One of the strong beliefs I have always had is that sex is something I'd only want to have with my husband...not really for religious reasons, but because I value my health, my body and my happiness. And because I want to avoid emotional hurt, contracting STDs, unwanted pregnancies and simply being disrespected and used by men. To this date it's an ideal I live by; I'm 29 and I have never had sex or even kissed a man before.  

 

While I'm content with my abstinence, I never thought I'd be almost 30 and still single, still a virgin. I never thought my sexual purity would be a problem for me and my love life. But it is. Being a virgin makes it really hard to date on so many levels. And because I'm struggling as a virgin - while seeing promiscuity being promoted as a positive thing, and while seeing promiscuous people striving in their love lives -  I'm growing increasingly resentful of promiscuity and promiscuous people. 

 

It's not that I don't attract men...I do. Even good men. But when I have dated a good man, it has always severely disappointed me when I have learned he doesn't share my views on virginity and sexual purity - or when he has said sexual promiscuity isn't a big deal to him. It's even more disappointing when I have learned that the men I'm interested in aren't abstinent. 

 

For the past 1½ years I have been seeing a guy, and I have ended up falling deeply in love with him. He is younger than I am (27) and has had 6 sex partners. While he doesn't like "easy women", he doesn't particularly care much about virginity and the concept of sexual purity. He has always made it clear to me that he doesn't value the fact that I have saved myself for marriage, which has caused me to have low self-esteem; Because being a believer of no-sex-before-marriage is such a big part of my identity, and what I consider to be special about me. It doesn't matter that he tells me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, the most unique and special person he has ever met, that he has never loved anyone but me...I still feel like nothing, because of our sexual differences and the zero value he puts on my sexual choices.

For the past 6 months, our relationship has really struggled, because I don't give more of myself to him. He went from telling me that he loves me and that I'm the One to taking 4 days to even reply to a "How are you?" message that I send to him. He's become very cold and distant with me, while he always seems to have time for other people - other women. It hurts me a lot, and I feel really low in mood and self-esteem.

 

I'm really heart-broken these days, like I have never been before. And that has caused my resentment for promiscuous people to grow and intensify. I don't understand why promiscuity seems to be the thing that gets you what you want in life. At least, that's what it looks like to me. I don't understand why promiscuity is considered the right and natural thing to practice - just because so many people are promiscuous? I get told all the time that I'm "wrong" and backwarded for believing in sexual purity in 2016. And that just makes me so resentful of the society I'm part of, and of love, of relationships, of men and of women. I don't want to feel that way, because I'm a positive person normally, and I want to believe in love...that I can find it for myself. 

 

 

I'd love to know what you guys' thoughts are...

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Hi! Welcome to the forum. Excuse your English? You sound fluent to me! :)

 

I don't think you should continue the relationship you are in. It is only harming your well being. It would be better to be alone and have respect for yourself than to be with someone and not have their respect or your own respect.

 

Obviously, waiting till marriage is part of who you are. It would be best to be with someone who shares that in common with you. Even if you don't require your significant other to be a virgin, they should at least respect and value that part of you. But if he is seeing other women, he obviously does not have respect for you. Staying a virgin until marriage is a big part of my identity. Personally, I could only have a relationship with someone who I had this in common with.

 

Promiscuity is a wicked thing. It should be despised. People involved in it might appear happier or pretend to be, but they are really destroying themselves. Waiting till marriage doesn't just protect the body. It also protects the mind, heart, and soul. And don't listen to others who tell you that you are wrong. I think many times promiscuous people don't like people who are virgins because it shows that it is possible to wait and that they are wrong. Bad people like to drag everybody else down to their level.

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Your views, TarantulaNebula, are very normal around the WTM community.  There are lots of guys who value waiting as much as you and are just waiting to meet you!  These men do exist.  But, the others (men who do NOT value waiting or value sex more than they value a human being) are also quite common, even more so unfortunately.  It's reality.

My advice would be to break up with your boyfriend simply because you should never be with someone who causes your self-esteem to lower. :(  It's hard to be different in society.  But everyone else could be very wrong!  Hang on to your principles!  Your boyfriend is using you.  I know.  Because many men have tried the same with me.   It's a sad world, honestly.  You have to look for the beauty, search for the beauty in the world, and maintain a standard of beauty in the good things of the world.  Or you'll be taken advantage of very easily by numerous men with the same motive.  I hate to sound so jaded, but I've been there one too many times.  The world is this way.  Being a beautiful woman with standards is a much different experience than many people realize.  Many people think sexism doesn't even exist!  That beautiful people have it made!  But we're preyed on!  We're hurt!  We're taken advantage of!  We're tricked with flowers and "I love you"s.   It's not genuine.  It's all about sex and selfish motive. 

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Ghandi
Stand up for your beliefs.  We need people like you in the world.

 

 

P.S.  I do not believe promiscuity should be despised.  We shouldn't put people down in order to bring ourselves up.  Standards are a beautiful thing.  Promiscuity is often rooted in selfishness or low self-worth.  We should pity it, but we should not shame it.  Promiscuous people are not always bad people.  They could just be lost. 

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I have never had sex or even kissed a man before.  

 

While I'm content with my abstinence, I never thought I'd be almost 30 and still single, still a virgin. I never thought my sexual purity would be a problem for me and my love life. But it is. Being a virgin makes it really hard to date on so many levels. And because I'm struggling as a virgin - while seeing promiscuity being promoted as a positive thing, and while seeing promiscuous people striving in their love lives -  I'm growing increasingly resentful of promiscuity and promiscuous people. 

 

....

 

I'm really heart-broken these days, like I have never been before. And that has caused my resentment for promiscuous people to grow and intensify. I don't understand why promiscuity seems to be the thing that gets you what you want in life. At least, that's what it looks like to me. I don't understand why promiscuity is considered the right and natural thing to practice - just because so many people are promiscuous? I get told all the time that I'm "wrong" and backwarded for believing in sexual purity in 2016. And that just makes me so resentful of the society I'm part of, and of love, of relationships, of men and of women. I don't want to feel that way, because I'm a positive person normally, and I want to believe in love...that I can find it for myself. 

 

 

I'd love to know what you guys' thoughts are...

 

I don't want to say the same things that have already been said but I've experienced the same sort of loneliness of not finding someone with the same values in a world where promiscuity is actively promoted. In a way, I've learned to cope with the fact that people are going to do what they want to do.

 

I'm honestly just happy there is someone my age who hasn't kissed the opposite sex. I haven't done that as well, but it's something you do and live with. Do I hate how the world is? Of course I do.

 

The resentment will always be there... at least until your life changes. How your life changes I'm not sure but it's always  good sometimes to take a step back and determine what you value most about yourself and if your current relationship isn't working out then it's perhaps time to take a step back and look for another.

 

You mentioned that he is spending time with other women. Well. I don't know what life is like in your country of Denmark but here in the United States a lot of us see that as a betrayal or a lack of interest. The slow fade of a break up where he no longer wants to be with you but is too afraid to confront.

 

Again I don't know him or your situation but that's what I'm interpreting.

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