Are you looking for an introvert or an extrovert?

['tis the Bearded One 657]

Introversion-Extroversion spectrum is one of the basic personality dimensions.

 

My parents are an introvert-extrovert couple and while that has presented difficulties there are a number of at least potential strengths that it presents. Personally as an introvert I've always been attracted to the more extroverted type but preferably the more introverted of extroverts lol. I think the introvert-extrovert combination while being perhaps initially more difficult holds the most promise of reward, complementarity, and personal growth. 

 

I've been meaning to ask a couple I know through church who seem to be both introverts as to how that dynamic has shaped their marriage but haven't gotten around to it yet. So here I am wondering if:

 

Are you looking to marry someone on the same end of the spectrum (birds of a feather flock together) or someone opposite (opposites attract)? Do you tend to not even start anything with someone who does not fit your chosen dynamic?

 

Considering the vast majority on this site are introverts I would expects that you have reflected on this at some point

 

Here is a summary (from http://introvertdear.com/2015/02/02/introverts-should-you-marry-an-introvert-or-an-extrovert/)written from an introvert standpoint as to the potential dynamics of marrying an extrovert or another introvert:

 

Marrying an extrovert:

• You’ll have a built-in social circle.
• Things will happen.
• You’ll complement each other.
• Your extrovert won’t be afraid of conflict.
• You may have to work harder to have alone time.
• You may have to speak up more.

 

Marrying an introvert:

• Your partner will “get†you.
• No running commentary.
• Your partner won’t pressure you to socialize.
• You’ll have a companion for quiet fun.
• You might become isolated.
• You may have to work harder to spend time together.

['tis the Bearded One 657]

Kind of related to this, I feel like it’s a sad irony that shy people who want most to meet and get to know other shy people like them can’t because they’re too shy.

Meanwhile, that guy who needs me as I need him is instead going to end up with a girl who's more aggressive than me and be with her instead when really we could have been perfect together if only I were assertive enough to actually make my presence known and be there for him, and vice versa.

 

I can relate to that a little. And you're female so if you're culture is anything like western culture it is generally expected that the male initiate. Which in a way sucks for male introverts because unless I have had enough time to reflect on and evaluate someone or I happen to learn something absolutely wonderful about them I am tentative to initiate a relationship/contact in a romantic context with minimal information about them. And due to the gender norms/stereotypes an extroverted female (may I say particularly in religious circles) is less likely to initiate to an introverted male than an extroverted male to an introverted female. Or at least not initiate in an explicit way that leaves no room for the male introvert to oversee or explain away the behavior....

 

Sometimes I wonder whether extroverts who are attracted to introverts pursue less socialising introverts and consciously invest the necessary time to get to know them better since it will take longer for an introvert to reveal aspects about themselves than extroverts. Or whether they're too busy socialising it up with their extroverted buddies to give the reserved loner who's busy observing people the chance to show their true virtue.

 

So sad and self-defeating really that the dating scene is so biased towards extroversion. 

[29K 1,538]

I'd much prefer to be in a relationship with a fellow introvert. I feel like an introvert partner would understand my need to retreat off into my own space to recharge every so often. I would worry that an extrovert partner might feel rejected by this behavior even though that is absolutely not my intention.

[Guest]

Being an introvert, I think I would prefer an extrovert over a fellow introvert, but that wouldn't limit me to just seeking an extrovert. I think there are many pluses and minuses for both as you pointed out earlier. I've always been an introvert and growing up it always made it very hard for me to talk to girls. I tended to shy away from crowds and keep to myself most of the time.From my late teens up to my mid twenties I lived with my brother who is an extreme extrovert, almost to a fault, and it really changed the way I handle situations now. I think I've become more of an extroverted introvert but I still keep many of my thoughts to myself unless asked. On a personal level, everyone who has ever met me has described me as being an introvert who gets along with people. Granted there are topics that I tend to keep private but I guess I just try to make people feel like a friend rather than friendly, which there is a difference.

 

Looking at me from an outward level, people would describe me as an extrovert. I tend to travel a lot to different countries and love experiencing new things. It's kind of how I counteract being an introvert. When dealing with something new I usually ask myself "Will it kill me?" and if the answer is no I usually tend to try it. Haha, that concept hasn't always served me well. But every experience is a learning experience, even some of the most difficult.

 

A few years ago I dated this girl who I was seriously considering marrying. She was an extrovert and I was an introvert. It was the first time I'd ever been that serious with a woman and honestly, I knew I wasn't ready. The hardest thing I ever did was let someone go that I deeply cared about, but I knew what was best for her wasn't me at the time. Yes I may have loved her but sometimes love isn't enough, because outside of love is the real world. I knew on a personal level I wasn't ready, I knew on a psychological level I wasn't ready, I knew on a financial level I wasn't ready, and I knew on a professional level I wasn't ready. We were both far too young at the time and neither of us really knew who we were. It's been years since we last spoke and she's married someone I knew, but the last thing I wanted for both of us was to struggle through our marriage.

 

I bring this up as a point. Introvert or extrovert does play a role in how a couple handles one another, but so do outside circumstances. There are many factors to a successful marriage, not just love or looks or personality.

 

Truthfully speaking, I'm not searching for a significant other. Yes, I am an introvert. I'm also very straightforward and honest and have a very high level of self-awareness and self-realization. I have no problem walking up to a complete stranger and initiating a conversation. Most of the time people can perceive that as arrogance. Women tend to find my honesty and confidence in myself appealing, along with my personality, but at the moment I'm simply trying to be the best version of myself. No woman will ever "fix" me or my personality, just like no person will every fix you.

[CrystalFaerie 1,308]

Kind of related to this, I feel like it’s a sad irony that shy people who want most to meet and get to know other shy people like them can’t because they’re too shy.

 

This (and the rest of your paragraph) is exactly what I'm experiencing right now. Story time: there's this guy I really like, and we get on great. My friends have repeatedly said we're perfect for each other, and honestly, I think it could work out. The caveat? We're both really, really, introverted and shy. I've liked him for something like six or seven months, but we spent half that time ignoring each other and only talking if necessary because we know that we both like to be alone, and we didn't want to encroach on that. The second caveat? He's leaving town in less than two months. I'm having trouble coming to terms with that. We might still get something to work out, but the thought that we missed out on a great opportunity because we were both too shy frustrates me a lot…

 

To answer the question, though, I would prefer an introvert. As an introvert myself, I feel like they would "get" me better. On the other hand, I tend to be attracted to extraverts, because I envy their sociability and capacity to take things lightly - things I myself am not good at. In the end, I think it depends on the person, not how extraverted or introverted they are. But if I had to choose between two people who were perfect in every way, one an extrovert and one an introvert, I would go for the introvert.

[Invincible 7,985]

Looking at me from an outward level, people would describe me as an extrovert.

 

 Yes, I am an introvert. I'm also very straightforward and honest and have a very high level of self-awareness and self-realization. I have no problem walking up to a complete stranger and initiating a conversation. 

 

This is pretty much me. I am a non-shy person who can be quite talkative and has no problem walking up and striking a conversation with strangers. I also do not shy from confrontation either because I hate leaving things unresolved. Because of that, I often get mistaken for an extrovert, but in reality I am an introvert to the core. Being around people drains me and I need time to recharge in between.

 

This leads to an interesting dynamic because even though I am not shy, I am still a pretty sensitive person. When it comes to asking girls out, the act itself isn't really a problem (though I may need some preparations to get over my nerves). The issue is rejection. Some guys can just brush it off and move on, but for me, it hits my self-esteem hard to the point. I usually take it as something negative about me personally. As such it can take me a pretty long time before I can muster the will to try again with another girl. I'm trying to work on not taking it personally and instead just accepting it as a just simple incompatibility. 

 

I think for me, I'd be fine with anyone who ranges from moderately introverted all the way to an ambivert, or someone who sits in the middle of the introversion-extroversion spectrum. You should be in a relationship with someone who brings out the best in you. I don't think being with an extrovert would do that for me because I would constantly be exhausted trying to keep up with her lifestyle. Life is already stressful as it without being with someone who may want me to be around people all the time with her. One of my best friends is very extroverted. As much as I value her, I can only handle her in small doses. It's already draining to spend lots of time with an extroverted friend as it is, let alone be in a relationship with one. Being with someone who is in the introverted side would allow me to thrive more because they understand the value of solitude more than an extrovert can. So when I have ample time to recharge, it will allow me to have more energy to put into the relationship.

 

This (and the rest of your paragraph) is exactly what I'm experiencing right now. Story time: there's this guy I really like, and we get on great. My friends have repeatedly said we're perfect for each other, and honestly, I think it could work out. The caveat? We're both really, really, introverted and shy. I've liked him for something like six or seven months, but we spent half that time ignoring each other and only talking if necessary because we know that we both like to be alone, and we didn't want to encroach on that. The second caveat? He's leaving town in less than two months. I'm having trouble coming to terms with that. We might still get something to work out, but the thought that we missed out on a great opportunity because we were both too shy frustrates me a lot…

 

Aw CF, I find your mutual shyness endearing. Allow me to help you with that. Next time you both are together at a large gathering, I will put a megaphone in front of your faces and yell, "YOU TWO LIKE EACH OTHER, AS IN A LOT...AND YOU WANT TO HOLD EACH OTHER'S HANDS!!!" Problem solved

[CrystalFaerie 1,308]

Aw CF, I find your mutual shyness endearing. Allow me to help you with that. Next time you both are together at a large gathering, I will put a megaphone in front of your faces and yell, "YOU TWO LIKE EACH OTHER, AS IN A LOT...AND YOU WANT TO HOLD EACH OTHER'S HANDS!!!" Problem solved

 

Bahaha you're too funny! Sometimes I wonder if I should just be direct like that… It would certainly help with my current situation!

[Invincible 7,985]

Bahaha you're too funny! Sometimes I wonder if I should just be direct like that… It would certainly help with my current situation!

 

LOL yeah why not? Sure, it may be daunting to say something to him. But I think it would be a bigger shame to miss a great opportunity and constantly wonder what might have been. Best of luck to you both

['tis the Bearded One 657]

Sometimes I wonder if I should just be direct like that… It would certainly help with my current situation!

 

I second Vince's suggestion! If I remember correctly you're a writer - I'm sure you could write out a nice letter to him maybe even read it out to him   As he is shy as well he will know how much courage it took and will appreciate it. I would however explicitly remove all pressure for an immediate response preferring him to take his time and think about it. And do it either at the conclusion of your rendezvous or as a lead-in to an activity which provides a distraction e.g. a movie. So exciting 

[rocky111 6]

Hi CF, Now is the time to behave in an extraordinarily way for an introvert....try your best...I agree with the advice you've received, especially from invincible...as he appears to be holding a gun in his photo...LOL...I've heard of "shotgun marriages" but this is ridiculous...LOL....CF...go for it...we're all waiting to know how you get on...Best Wishes ...

[CrystalFaerie 1,308]

LOL yeah why not? Sure, it may be daunting to say something to him. But I think it would be a bigger shame to miss a great opportunity and constantly wonder what might have been. Best of luck to you both

 

I second Vince's suggestion! If I remember correctly you're a writer - I'm sure you could write out a nice letter to him maybe even read it out to him   As he is shy as well he will know how much courage it took and will appreciate it. I would however explicitly remove all pressure for an immediate response preferring him to take his time and think about it. And do it either at the conclusion of your rendezvous or as a lead-in to an activity which provides a distraction e.g. a movie. So exciting 

 

Hi CF, Now is the time to behave in an extraordinarily way for an introvert....try your best...I agree with the advice you've received, especially from invincible...as he appears to be holding a gun in his photo...LOL...I've heard of "shotgun marriages" but this is ridiculous...LOL....CF...go for it...we're all waiting to know how you get on...Best Wishes ...

 

Omg you guys    I'm really tempted now. On that note, I think I might create a new topic so I don't hijack this one because I could honestly do with some advice…

[Alyssa12 13]

I absolutely despise being shy. What irks me too is that extroverts can be themselves and no one says anything but when you're an introvert people don't seem to like it very much and then you feel like you have to work on it to improve yourself and it's like you're diseased or something. In elementary school I was so shy and I was teased so badly over it, it was ridiculous. I took it all personally and it hit my self esteem, my feeling of self worth and my self confidence. It made me feel like a leper. I take rejection very personally and I'm really sensitive too so it made me feel awful. Vince I understand exactly what you mean lol. But overall, being shy is a personality trait - there isn't anything wrong with the person. I just don't like feeling like I'm broken and there's something wrong with me that needs fixing.

I would also go for an introvert or someone in between. I feel like an extrovert would most likely not stick around and have the patience to wait for me to become comfortable enough around them to come out of my shell.

And yes Tis the Bearded One, you're absolutely right. Dating really is more geared toward the extroverts.

['tis the Bearded One 657]

Thanks for your responses! Getting the complementarity between introverted and extroverted traits right would be a challenge. But it would be a similar exercise to balancing sex drive and a host of other things. I think having it explicitly addressed and both respecting the other's personality goes a long way. Neither introversion nor extroversion are inherently in need of correcting. Though modern Western society strongly favours the extrovert and tends to depict introverts as somehow defective. From my observations heaps of issues arise when couples don't respect each other's personality and try and change them in the wrong way or too fast while disrespecting their personality. 

 

Dealing with the expressive energy of an extrovert is a concern of mine too but I think we introverts need to remember that our introverted traits can be something that extroverts find valuable. For an extrovert marrying an introvert and trying to turn them into an extrovert is kind of self-defeating yet i think that is frequently what happens and spoils the relationship - it would probably destroy in the introvert what attracted the extrovert in the first place. Preserving what we find valuable in the other person is the challenge. 

 

I realise extroverts (or more extroverted introverts) on the forum are a rarity but I'm sure we have some here. I'd be really interested in your take on the topic! Pretty please

[Guest]

Ladies and gentle men, allow me to introduce myself.

An Ambivert.

[sheris 64]

Ambivert here, if I could claim one I'll say I'm an introvert, but sometimes...not really

And relationship wise? I'd prefer an ambivert or introvert. don't like extroverts as I know them, don't think we would get along good.

[AllishaG 722]

Ok I'll be the first extrovert-convert to reply!

I used to be an introvert. Would hardly talk to people, usually kept to myself, too shy to even talk to my own grandparents as a kid. I lived most of my life as an introvert, until around the age of 16 or 17 when the transition slowly began.

Now I am an extrovert, I basically faked it until I became it, but it worked and I'm very happy being more on the extroverted side than anything! Well, at the very least I'm an ambivert, but I tend to favor more outgoing activities and being around people.

I think I go for more of the extroverted guys. But I've liked both sides of the spectrum. My boyfriend was actually much more introverted than anything, but he and I meshed really well. Quite honestly, if I did end up with an introvert, I don't think there would be any problems with anything. When I really like someone, I'm content just being with him. I don't need to be out socializing all the time because the thing that makes me the happiest is spending time with my person, doesn't matter what we're doing. 

['tis the Bearded One 657]

On 7/13/2016 at 6:01 PM, AllishaG said:

Ok I'll be the first extrovert-convert to reply!

I used to be an introvert. Would hardly talk to people, usually kept to myself, too shy to even talk to my own grandparents as a kid. I lived most of my life as an introvert, until around the age of 16 or 17 when the transition slowly began.

Now I am an extrovert, I basically faked it until I became it, but it worked and I'm very happy being more on the extroverted side than anything! Well, at the very least I'm an ambivert, but I tend to favor more outgoing activities and being around people.

I think I go for more of the extroverted guys. But I've liked both sides of the spectrum. My boyfriend was actually much more introverted than anything, but he and I meshed really well. Quite honestly, if I did end up with an introvert, I don't think there would be any problems with anything. When I really like someone, I'm content just being with him. I don't need to be out socializing all the time because the thing that makes me the happiest is spending time with my person, doesn't matter what we're doing. 

 

Huh, that is interesting. Not quite convinced that one can consciously change one's intro/extro-version or whether its simply blossoming into your original type, being an ambivert, or developing certain traits e.g. an introvert can appear as an extrovert. Your perception would also depend on your understanding of the types - shyness is not, strictly speaking, an introvert trait [see http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/introvert-myths_n_3569058]. Though as far as I remember the research, nurture does play a role in developing this personality trait - thus more extroverts or introverts in some cultures. The question is whether we can self-consciously manipulate our personality to such a degree. There are some biological differences to intro/extroversion - not just how we think and relate to people.  

[Amber Elizabeth 861]

I'm not looking for anyone, but I prefer to find an introvert. Cause I think I'm more likely to find what I'm looking for in an introvert than an extrovert. Though I'm sure there are extroverts and guys that are in the middle that are my type, but an introvert is my first choice.