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Questions for the ladies of WTM

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1) Would you marry a man knowing that you would not be first in his life? For example, if his profession took precedence in his life would you be ok with that?

2) How important is sex in a marriage? Like if he didn't have a very high sex drive would that change the way you felt about him?

3) Would you ever live and raise children in another country? Why or why not?

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1. Since I'm most likely going to marry a Christian guy, and Christians are supposed to put God first in their lives, I'm ok with that. But I don't know if I'd be okay with marrying a guy who puts stuff like his profession before me.

 

2. I don't find sex to be that important in a marriage. Of course my husband having a low sex drive would change how I feel about him. It would make me love him more.  :D If he has a low sex drive, he won't want it as much, and he will more likely not be interested in the sexual things that I don't want to do, and if he is then he might be more likely to willingly and happily go without them. So there will be little to no conflict between me and my husband in that area. :)

 

3. Ehh, I don't know. I'd rather not leave the country, or at least not leave the continent, for various reasons.

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1. Eh, it depends on what's taking precedence over me and in what way. I'd be okay with a man whose religion was the most important thing in his life, but not if his service to his God(s) constantly took away from his time spent with me. For me, religion is one of the most important aspects of my life, but that only means that it's what drives me, what forges my worldview, not what limits my friendships, hobbies and free time. I wouldn't mind it and even admire it if my husband's religion took precedence by expanding his interactions rather than limiting them. I would rather he reached out to me out of faith ("I see you're stressed these days, would you like to pray with me about it?") than closed me off ("I see you're stressed these days but I need to do my daily prayers, we'll deal with it later"). Does that make sense?

 

I would also accept it if my husband himself came first in his life. To be honest, I think we all should. Of course, we should care for each other and support each other, but we are not responsible for each other. I wouldn't want my husband to sacrifice his hobbies or time alone for my sake. A little sacrifice is good - compromise would actually be a better word - but we should each retain our individuality.

 

As for other things that could take precedence, such as career, money and so on, no. I'm a strongly family-oriented person and for me personally, marrying someone for whom couple and family are less important than work would go against how I want to live my life.

 

2. I think it's important, but that doesn't mean you need to do it every day. I wouldn't mind if my husband's sex drive wasn't particularly high. So long as we did it from time to time and bonded through other activities, spent time together, had non-sexual physical contact (hugging, kissing, holding hands etc) and cared for each other, I would be happy.

 

3. Yep. I've lived in three countries so moving wouldn't uproot me too much. It wouldn't be easy, of course, and I would obviously think about it and discuss it at length with my husband first, but I would do it. I've actually thought about this a lot and to be honest, I would be surprised if, in ten or fifteen years, I still lived in the same country as now! I would not raise my children in a war zone or an area with high crime rates though.

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1. I'm going to echo Crystal on this one; it definitely does depend what is coming first. I can accept some things as coming before me, but there are others I would not be comfortable. For instance, it would not be a problem to me at all if children came before me, or religion (again, echoing Crystal's caveats). I'd even be okay with his profession coming before me, provided there's something about his profession that I feel justifies such prioritizing; if he's an officer or a doctor and he needs to be on call because he needs to save lives, then that takes precedence. I'd also understand if there's some major deadline or project coming up and work needed to be prioritized just for a short period of time. But if he is just "married to his work" and chooses to place monetary gains or business deals ahead of his family, I would have a problem with that. It's not that I do not want to marry someone who is ambitious, but if he is consistently prioritizing his work over his family, then our values just do not line up, and that's a problem. But that's just me. It doesn't make him a bad person or anything, we just wouldn't be compatible. 

 

2. I'm not sure "change the way I felt" is the right way to describe it, but I would certainly be disappointed. I guess I can't say this with any certainty for obvious reasons, but I do think that I have a higher than average sex drive, so I would hope that my husband would as well. I don't think that it would be the end of a relationship by any means, but I do think it is something to consider when gauging overall compatibility. It's a conversation to have well before the wedding, obviously, just to see if we both want the same thing out of a relationship. I'm sure a slight difference wouldn't be a problem, but I don't think it would work well if he had an exceptionally low sex drive.

 

3. Sure! I'm not overly attached to my country right now, and I've lived abroad before. I'd happily do it again. But then I might not be the best person to ask, because I'm not even sure where I'll be living after I finish my graduate degree, so I'm already planning on moving around anyways.

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1. I don't mind a job being put before me, or God. But other things would be a problem. I would just depend on the circumstances.

2. There are different ways to be intimate, holding hands or cuddling. I feel like I have a high sex drive, but that could ultimately change after I say 'I do'.

3. I was raised around my grandparents, we lived five to ten minutes away, and would love to raise any future children like that. But, living in a military town, I may end up married to a soldier. So it's pretty much up I'm the air. As long as we've got a roof over our head, food, love and a Catholic Church to go to, we'd be fine.

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I would like to thank all the women who have responded thus far for some really diverse and honest answers.

 

I once asked the same questions to an all female bible study group at my old church. It was interesting to see how their answers changed/remained the same when different circumstances were introduced to answer each question. 2 of the 3 questions are directly related to my own personal situation, the exclusion being question #2.

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I'll add the token male perspective here.

 

1) Would you marry a woman knowing that you would not be first in his life? For example, if his profession took precedence in his life would you be ok with that?

 

Nope, not going to happen. Aside from the only exception being God, I refuse to be second to anything or anyone in a marriage, not even to my own kids. That's not to say that I wouldn't love my kids dearly or that I wouldn't die for them. I most certainly will. But my marriage is a unique relationship that is exclusive only with my wife. I am joined to her in every sense of the word be it physically, emotionally and spiritually. People do not have the same relationship with their kids (at least they shouldn't, those sick freaks). Some day the kids will move out and have their own families, but my wife will ideally be my life partner till we die. A Christian marriage is a reflection of Christ's love for His Church. As such, it should be the most important earthly thing in my life. At the end of the day, my marriage with my wife is the most important thing ahead of any career or any other earthly relationship. I won't be with a woman who doesn't feel the same. That may not be a popular view, but I stand by it.

 

2) How important is sex in a marriage? Like if she didn't have a very high sex drive would that change the way you felt about him?

 

 

It's extremely important to me. Sometimes I feel like I have the sex drive equal to that of an army of average men. I'm not entirely joking either :P So yeah, sex will be a big need for me in marriage. If she had a low sex drive, that wouldn't necessarily change the way I feel about her. Having a low sex drive doesn't always mean the person feels sex is a chore or a burden. Sometimes it means they could be up for it, but just don't feel a particularly strong compulsion to do it at that moment. It would be like eating a tasty snack when you're not particularly hungry. You aren't starving for it, but it's still pleasant to have. For me, it's not so much her level of sex drive as it is her attitude about sex. Of course there will be times when she really doesn't want to or is upset or sick or the like. I would obviously be sensitive to her needs before mine. But if always viewed sex as a chore that she just tolerates begrudgingly then I would be feel hurt and rejected. Therefore I would seek counseling. But if she saw sex as a gift and joyfully engaged it in with me knowing that it was an important need of mine, then that would be different. Because I would joyfully do everything I could to make her happy and fulfill any needs she had.

 

Aside from that, I am also a very affectionate person in non-sexual ways. Like others have said, I would like there to be lots of cuddling, holding hands, forehead kisses and such.

 

3) Would you ever live and raise children in another country? Why or why not?

 

 

It wouldn't be my first choice to live somewhere else, but if I felt that was in God's will then sure. Also if I met the right woman who lived in another country, and deciding me moving there would be best for our circumstances, then I would do it for her.

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  1. No, that would not be okay with me. The only exception would be that, once we have kids, then yes, they'll come first for both me and my husband. Since I'm not religious, I would not be able to accept being #2 to a deity I don't believe exists. And, it's one thing for him to have a time-consuming career (like being a doctor), but it's quite another for him to value his career more than he values me, or to make decisions that favor his career over his relationship with me. I don't mind if his career takes him away from me many hours a day, as I'm naturally introverted anyway...but I could not be with someone who truly cared more for his career than for his family.

I think sex is important in a marriage, but that doesn't necessitate having a high sex drive. As long as my partner respected sex as an expression of love, doesn't view it as a chore when it does happen, and is attracted to me physically, that's all that matters. And, as others have said, there are other ways of expressing affection.

I don't think I could raise my kids in another country, to be honest. It's always been very important to me that my kids have a good, strong relationship with my mother, as she has had health problems throughout her life and I don't know exactly how much time she would have to enjoy them. Living in another country would almost inherently prohibit my kids from being able to have that kind of connection with their grandma. Now...if for some horrible reason she were to die before I got married, then there would be very little tying me to the US, so I would be more open to the idea, as long as it didn't involve living somewhere unsafe.

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1) He has to put God first or that's a deal breaker. Profession? Heck no. I'll support him in his career and passions, but if my husband always chose work over spending time with me I wouldn't feel loved by him.

2) For me, its not so much how often we have sex that's important, but its about working together to have the best sex possible and not getting tired of it (this seems to be more of an issue for women). I'm not sure what my sex drive is like, but I do want to show my husband affection.

3) I don't even like the thought of moving to another STATE let alone country.

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1) Would you marry a man knowing that you would not be first in his life? For example, if his profession took precedence in his life would you be ok with that?

 

I would have a hard time coming second to things.. however i think it's all relative.. like sometimes his job might have to come first if he has an important meeting he has to attend in order to keep his job! i would understand me not coming first then, but if it is a routine of him focusing more time, energy, and/or attention on his job, that would be a major problem and not ok. I believe marriage provides a really healthy foundation for a person to rely on when they come home from work, for example, that should be the highlight of his/her day, not the lowest on the totem pole.

2) How important is sex in a marriage? Like if he didn't have a very high sex drive would that change the way you felt about him?

 

I think sex is very important in a marriage, from everything i have heard/learned over the years of my waiting, but it really depends on what is comfortable for the 2 people in the marriage... If my husband didn't have a very high sex drive i don't think it would change how i felt about him, but it's hard to say? i just think if we love each other enough, we should be able to understand both peoples' sides of the story and work out a solution... whether one person has a high OR low sex drive... compromise

3) Would you ever live and raise children in another country? Why or why not?

 

I think i could live with my husband in another country for a time if we both wanted to go on an adventure like that, but i wouldn't want to stay there for super long because all my family and friends are in the US. I wouldn't want to raise children in another country though because, since all my fam/friends are here, i feel it's important and healthy to have children grow up around family to show them what it's like to have a caring family. I have a lot of happy childhood memories of playing with all my cousins growing up, so i'd want my kids to have that too.

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Again, I would like to thank all the women (and Vince) for their honest answers. All 3 of these questions pertain to my situation and make it hard for me to find someone to know on a deeper level without being emotionally promiscuous.

 

First and foremost, God will always come first in my life. That being said, the passions and skills that He has placed in my heart have all led me to the conclusion that I am supposed to be a doctor. I love helping people, any way I can, and looking back on my life I know that is what I am supposed to do. If I had to choose a profession that I enjoyed where money was not an issue, it's still the profession that I would choose. I'm not in it for the money. I've always believed in investing in others, especially with your time and kindness. I'd like to open my own medical practice later in life as well as have my own NPO (Non-Profit Organization) where we help impoverished societies that aren't afforded the same standards of medical care that we are. I'd also like to get my pilot's license. Helping others is a BIG part of my life. It's all I've ever wanted to do.

This second question was actually kind of personal and requires me to give you guys some background information on myself. A few years ago I was in a serious relationship with a woman who I had every intention of marrying. We dated for about 3 years and at times our relationship wasn't the most christian it should have been. We'd discussed all 3 of these questions, along with other ones, before we finally came to the conclusion that although we loved each other, we wanted very different things out of life. One of the biggest differences that we had was I was a virgin and she wasn't. She'd had multiple partners and had experienced sexual abuse as a child. On top of all that she had a very high sex drive while mine tended to rise and fall.

 

I dealt with pornography when I was younger and basically repressed a lot of my sexual urges later in life. My parents never talked to me or my siblings about sex growing up and most of what I learned was through pornography and school (not the best combination). When I became a christian at age 19, I began to view sex in a very different light. Now I almost have this abnormal fear of sex and as a result I have an abnormal sex drive.
 

This third question was one that I actually began thinking about over the last few years. I've always loved to travel and growing up my parents always encouraged me to see as much of the world as possible. It's an experience that I've always wanted to share with my own children someday. Going along with the theme of possible doing a doctors without borders kind of thing, I've always wanted to live in a different country. One of the things I wanted to do was live in a country like Argentina, or Germany, or Indonesia for about 5 years and learn about the culture, the language, the history, the traditions, and then move on to another country. I don't want to use the term "third world country" because that would imply that it's inferior to the rest of the modern world, but countries where healthcare isn't at the same standards that we as a country are at.

 

I believe living in an impoverished country would help teach children many things such as compassion, kindness, gentleness, and help them appreciate all manners and kinds of people. One of the things I learned through my many years of hard work is you can have all the money in the world, but it's what you do with it that makes a difference. And that's something I would like to show firsthand to my children someday.

 

That being said, I hope everyone understand my feelings in these matters.

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1) Would you marry a man knowing that you would not be first in his life? For example, if his profession took precedence in his life would you be ok with that?

 

I would only marry a man in which God was put first. Occasionally work might have to come first, so that's understandable. I'm a bit of a workaholic myself, so I can understand the need to be driven, but at the core of it all, I wouldn't want it to be a lifestyle. It's hard to maintain a relationship with two people if one person is missing from it too often.

2) How important is sex in a marriage? Like if he didn't have a very high sex drive would that change the way you felt about him?

 

I think a high sex drive would be important to me or an average sex drive. Someone with a low sex drive might feel pressured by someone with higher needs, unless they found a unique way to work together to satisfy both ends of the equation. Like maybe one month the husband could kick it up a notch for his wife and the month after the wife could tone it down. That's a good alternative, but that seems like it could cause strain with some personality types. I don't believe I'd care for the low sex drive personally. I would get too sensitive, I think, and feel like I was asking for it too much. I'm pretty sure I'd start to think it was a chore for him. I would communicate those feelings, but I'm not sure it would resolve the issues that might crop up from the different sex drive rhythms.

3) Would you ever live and raise children in another country? Why or why not?

 

I would live and raise children in another country if I liked it. I'm a traveler. I like working on different projects and it's very likely I won't sit still throughout a great deal of my life. I think my husband would have to have the same mentality--be willing to be transient like I was. God is leading me to do things that require that I move around a lot, so traveling will be a fact of life for me.

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1) Would you marry a man knowing that you would not be first in his life? For example, if his profession took precedence in his life would you be ok with that?
As others have said, I expect him to put God first as a Christian.  Beyond that... probably not.   I don't even think our children should come before each other.  I believe that when you keep your spouse as top priority, it gives your children the highest sense of security, that mom and dad love each other and aren't going anywhere.  Also, obviously there might be intense periods in his life where his work or education would take precedence for a temporary amount of time, but that would be ok.  

 

2) How important is sex in a marriage? Like if he didn't have a very high sex drive would that change the way you felt about him?
Um... very important.  I don't think that I would be attracted to a man with a low sex drive (yikes is that harsh or what?)  Obviously sex isn't the most important thing in marriage, but in that hypothetical marriage, I would feel crushed if he seemed uninterested in sex a lot of the time.
 

3) Would you ever live and raise children in another country? Why or why not?

Sure, I would do that.  If my hypothetical husband were from another country, and it made the most sense to raise them there, I would be fine with that.  

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