Rewritten4him

Please help... I feel so conflicted

13 posts in this topic

I am 25, I have two kids. My son is 4yrs old and my daughter is 3mo old. I am not with the father of my son because he was mentally abusive and had a huge temper which I feared would turn into physical abuse. I am however with the father of my daughter and I am so in love with him. Besides my kids and God he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My life has been a rocky road, I was sexually abused as a kid (age 3.) Shortly after that my mom married my stepdad. When I grew up I was physically abused and severely mentally abused. At age 9 I was ripped away from God and coherced to believe he did not exist. I was made to believe that if he did exist I wouldn't be in the situation I was in and neither would many other kids who had it worse than I did. Just last year I began reconsidering how I feel about God but it wasn't until this past Febuary that I really started to dive in. Now I study the Bible everyday, watch Christian t.v. for encouragement, and I'm looking for a church to join so I can be baptized. Now that you know my background here's my issue. I lost my virginity at 16 as an attempt to be loved I guess and I think that's the only form of "love" I actually knew. As I grow closer to God I have been feeling that he does not want me to continue to have sex because I am not married. I have told my boyfriend about this and he says he's okay with it but things have been awkward since. I just feel so stupid like I've already had my chance to save myself for marriage. But I also feel that this is my opportunity to find out who I am in God. To start fresh in his light as I don't feel I was given that choice because of my circumstances. While I take responsibilty for my choices I wish I had been taught God's word. I guess really what I need is reassurance that I'm doing the right thing and maybe some advise about how to go about having an abstinent relationship after already having a sexual one. I can't believe I'm asking for advise, this is so unlike me.

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I am so sorry about your abusive upbringing. Despite all the hurt you have endured, you still managed to come back to God even though you once turned away from him. That is reason to rejoice. You are on the right track. Keep drawing closer to Him and don't look back at your past and let it define you. That is what the devil wants. You don't have to settle for the kind of "love" you once thought you had at age 16. That is the kind that will leave you feeling empty. But God has a love for you that is more than you could possibly imagine. He knows your heart and He has something much better for you than what the world offers. He sees the value in your because you are His daughter, not because of your sexual past. It is never too wait for marriage to have sex again even if you aren't a virgin anymore. If God thought we as perpetual sinners are worth redeeming, why can't God redeem you too?

 

As far as advice on being abstinent, I would first seriously evaluate your relationship with your current boyfriend. Because if you are serious about pursuing Jesus again, then you know we are commanded to be with another Christian. I can't stress how important this is because He ought to be the very foundation of your relationship with the man you will marry. To go along with that, a man who is also a Christian will naturally also want to wait till marriage too. You say your current bf is "okay" with waiting, but what if he resents you for it or tries to pressure you for sex later? It takes both people to fight to stay abstinent together to succeed. I don't know your relationship with your bf, but it is possible that the difference in values may mean he's not the right one for you. I know it may be hard to part ways with him since you have a kid together but that is something you will have to decide for yourself.

 

I hope this helps and I will pray for you.

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Wow....

Dear Rewritten4him...I was deeply moved by your testimony...

What you have endured concerning your abuse is totally unacceptable and unfair...and I do feel your pain...

I can assure you that God feels your pain even more.

Thank you for sharing with us and for having had the courage and humility to ask advice here...

I don't understand as you, why did this happen to you  but I rejoyce that this happened.

Why do I say that ? It's because God made me understand that every atrocity, every pain, every injustice that could have happened to us as human beings we can always turn it as a powerful testimony and blessing for ourselves and others who went through the same tragedies. With the help of God.

 

The testimony of Joyce Meyer who is a powerful woman of God today, can help you a little may be.

Perhaps you already know her ?

She was abused by her own father since her childhood until her teen years :(:wacko:

After lots of suffering, pain and difficulties God is using her today as a powerful example of restored woman.

She inspires millions of peole all over the world.

My prayer for you is that God can do the exact same thing for you : that God can heal you, strenghten you and make of you a powerful testimony for His glory and your joy in the name of Jesus. Amen.

You can learn more about her testimony here :

http://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=healing_and_hope

 

I do thank God so much that He brougth you back to Him !! Into the arms of God is the best place to be in the whole universe.

That's so great and awesome you stick to Bible study everyday, christian tv and other christian things ! I vividly encourage you to continue to do so! That's the rigth way !

Concerning the church you're looking for, that's an excellent desire. But pray God to choose the rigth church because, unfortunately, nowadays there are many false seductive churches and  seductive false gospels (not following the Bible)so, be careful precious child of God. I will pray for you about that so God can direct your path in the rigth place. May be I can advise you some Pastors I've heard about ? In wich region do you live ?

 

The fact that you want to wait till marriage again is the best and smart thing to do ! I encourage you in this way !

And you're not stupid at all. On the contrary : you're smart and courageous to do so after all your mistakes of the past.

We all need redemption, we all have sinned...we all need the grace and forgiveness of God. And we can thank God for His compassion and mercy and grace and forgiveness through Jesus.

I second everyting that Invincible told you. He said the truth.

 

Hmmm... concerning the fact you want to stay abstinent until marriage, it's the rigth thing to do. And I send you my support and encouragement from France XD :D to continue to do so. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU ! :):D

The fact your current boyfriend is ok with this is a good thing. But as Invincible said, what if in the future he changes his mind ?

Is he also a believer ? You can pray for him so God can touch his heart and he can follow the same path as you.

I know your current situation is delicate...and it's easier to talk and to say things than to act..but it's always the best thing to do to put God first and man second.

As Invincible said, if this man (despite all the wonderful qualities he may have) doesn't walk according to the principles of God, he's not the rigth person for you. It's as clear as that.

I do hope he can become a true christian and follower of christ and that he can marry you and live with you the life God has in mind for you and your family (daughters included).

But I don't know what God has in mind, so I will pray for you.

To live in cohabitation is not pleasant to God either :wacko::unsure:

Forgive me to tell this, but it's the truth.

I know you are sincere with God and I know He will help you to find a solution for all the situations in your life.

God loves you. And I love you also as my sister in Christ. You're precious.

You can private message me if you want.

May God bless you and may all the good plans that God has in mind for you come to achievement in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

See you

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Thank you both for your words they were very comforting.

 

Invincible,

  Yes I have thought about him resenting me and I worry that he may go looking elsewhere for fulfilment or that he may pressure me. The way I am looking at that though is that if those things do happen then it will be proof that God did not choose him for me. Would you agree?

  Also he did make some passes that I found very sexual which made me uncomfortable. I didn't mean to but I yelled at him to stop making passes at me. I later went to him and apologized for getting so upset. I explained to him that I felt he was trying to make passes to see what he could get away with and that this is important to me. I told him that God tells us that once we realize our sin we are to repent and stop committing the same sin. I also expressed that it is our duty to obey God's word because I feel in my whole being that this is true. He said he was sorry and that he won't do it again but that doesn't stop me from feeling that he might.

  As far as him being Christian, he says that he is and he was baptized as a Lutheran. He was raised in a home that believed in God but did not study the bible or attend church. He is the only one out of his family that has studied the bible. I think that he does believe but I also worry that he could be disconnected from his faith. He reads his Bible occasionally but I do not see him following anything that he reads. I really am not sure how to know if he truly believes or if he is one of those that believes but does not see. I feel that at this point I am not one to judge his level of faith.

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Geraldine,

   Yes I have heard of Joyce Meyer. I watch her show once a day and it really helps, especially when she brings up her past. She gives me so much hope that one day I can be fully healed like she is. It is so hard to explain but my heart tells me that God has been with me my whole life he was just waiting for the right time to make himself known to me. I find myself crying in astonishment and joy for the love he is showing me everyday. Every pain I was ever put through is beginning to heal slowly and I have put my trust into Jesus that he is my savior. Not only do I cry but I also laugh when I realize that he has been with me all along. I have felt so hopeless for so long that I was starting to believe nothing could ever help me. I think that before I was just floating through life attempting to find happiness and love but I never have known unconditional love until Jesus shined his light on me.

  I have prayed that he will guide me to the right church and I believe I may have found the one but I need to attend a few more times before I think I will know for sure. So far I have found that when I walk into this church I feel at peace. Another thing that Iike about the church is that instead of reciting the Our Father prayer they sing it. :)

  Concerning what you said about my decision to wait till marriage thank you for telling me that I am not stupid. I have known in my heart that it is not stupid but my mind was getting in the way. This happens a lot due to the discouragement I received as a child and I continue to pray that this too will be healed. Also in regards to us living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. I have found an uneasiness in this too but I am not sure what I can do. I feel that it would hurt my children to be separated from their home because they are accustomed to their surroundings. I have considered that maybe I should move into my 3mo. olds room for now but this would leave little space to move around in her room. Although for her young age it probably wouldn't bother her much. :lol: What is your opinion?

 

  Thank you for the love you send out as my sister through Christ and I return this love to you. I pray that God continues to bless you as you seem like a very wonderful person.

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Thanks for sharing your post. I am also really sorry to hear about your abusive upbringing. What you went through wasn't your fault. I am glad to hear that you found God and are working to strengthen your relationship with him. I also believe you are on the right track. Hang in there, :).

 

As far as advice on being abstinent, I second Invincible's opinion. I think it is also important to evaluate your relationship with your current boyfriend. For example, what are your bf and you's values? Do they coincide with each other? In addition, maybe talk about boundaries with your bf since knowing your bf and you's comfort levels can help the relationship be an abstinent one and reevaluate it from time to time. 

 

I will keep you in my prayers. 

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Thank you both for your words they were very comforting.

 

Invincible,

  Yes I have thought about him resenting me and I worry that he may go looking elsewhere for fulfilment or that he may pressure me. The way I am looking at that though is that if those things do happen then it will be proof that God did not choose him for me. Would you agree?

  Also he did make some passes that I found very sexual which made me uncomfortable. I didn't mean to but I yelled at him to stop making passes at me. I later went to him and apologized for getting so upset. I explained to him that I felt he was trying to make passes to see what he could get away with and that this is important to me. I told him that God tells us that once we realize our sin we are to repent and stop committing the same sin. I also expressed that it is our duty to obey God's word because I feel in my whole being that this is true. He said he was sorry and that he won't do it again but that doesn't stop me from feeling that he might.

 

I think what you just described is very telling that the journey of staying abstinent is very one-sided. Believe me that if he tried to make a pass on you once, he will do it again. Some guys will just bide their time and wait for a moment when you have your guard down to strike again. The key issue is that he is not actively guarding the purity of the relationship along side you. You cannot carry the burden of staying abstinent all by yourself. So I totally agree with you that based on his behavior that this is not the sort of thing that God would want you to be in.

 

 

 As far as him being Christian, he says that he is and he was baptized as a Lutheran. He was raised in a home that believed in God but did not study the bible or attend church. He is the only one out of his family that has studied the bible. I think that he does believe but I also worry that he could be disconnected from his faith. He reads his Bible occasionally but I do not see him following anything that he reads. I really am not sure how to know if he truly believes or if he is one of those that believes but does not see. I feel that at this point I am not one to judge his level of faith.

 

Actually you can and should judge his level of faith. Please read James 2:14-26, Matthew 7:15-19 and Proverbs 20:11. These are just a few passages that say a person's faith is reflected in their works. If your bf is not actively trying to live according to God's teachings, then you can judge his level of faith. As the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." 

 

The person you are romantically involved with may very well be the person you marry some day. In Ephesians 5, it talks about how a wife is called to submit to her husband and a husband is to love his wife and lay down his life for her if necessary in the same way Christ loves His Church. A husband is also called to lead his wife spiritually and both people are to encourage each other to grow in their individual faiths. That doesn't mean he has to be perfect because you are not perfect either and neither is anyone else. But if your bf is not leading you closer to Christ, then that is a huge red flag. Making sexual passes at you before marriage doesn't strike me as leading you closer to Christ.

 

Here is something you can do to help gauge whether someone is right for you or not. We all know 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, the famous passage of "love is patient, love is kind....etc". In each sentence describing what love is and what it isn't, replace the first word with the person you are involved with. Ex. "Rachel is patient, Rachel is kind, Rachel is not self-seeking .etc" If any of those does not apply to your significant other then chances are they are not the one for you.

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Hehheheh  ^_^ princess !

I'm really very happy that my answer was helpful to you and I thank God for having used me for you.

That's awesome that you already know Joyce Meyer ! Really great !

 

I totally understand what you want to explain when you say that you have this conviction that God has been with you during all your life : that's beautiful and so true ! You're really a child of God.

Thank you very much for your love in Jesus precious sister ahhahah  :lol:  :P  :D

I receive it  :D

You seem also an extraordinary person indeed...

 

I have the same testimony as you even if I didn't endure half of the tragedies you went through...

It's only when Jesus entered my life that I felt totally accepted and loved unconditionnally... And it felt so good and liberating ! Till today ! Thank you Jesus ! Without Him we are absolutely nothing...

 

I have the faith that God has begun this work in you and  he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. philippians 1v6

So I really believe that God will totally heal you emotionnally and mentally and also physically...By the wounds of Jesus you have been healed already...

 

I'm very happy that you have already a good idea concerning the church. May God give you a  strong conviction and total peace about your choice in the name of Jesus. Amen

 

I'm very happy also that your boyfriend has some interest in the Bible and in the christian faith even if he has a lot of improvement to do  :superwaiter:  ^_^ 

What Invincible has said concerning the role of your significant other and testing the level of his faith is entirely true.

So you can pray for him and God can make of him a true devoted christian when you realise his level of faith is not what it should be. It's possible to God.

But you shouldn't try to force things or try to change him neither.

By your attitude and your prayers God can change his heart.

 

Concerning the fact of moving into your 3mo. olds room for now, I think it's a very great idea.

Not easy to do so, and I realise it's a sacrifice. But it honors God and He will reward you for that.

That's beautiful ou have such a deep love for God. He will help you for sure.

 

May God bless you in abundance my precious sister in Jesus.

See you soon

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Hi, Simply welcome to the site, hope that it's of help to you...sounds as though you've been through an awful lot, hope that you find comfort and help here....with best wishes in God's love...R..

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I am not sure how to quote, every time I try to use all of the buttons that say quote nothing happens. So sorry about that.

 

Invincible,

  To your first response:

I agree that the passes he made were very telling that things are very one sided at the present moment. I do have my doubts that he will be able to promote purity in our relationship but I do not doubt that he does love me. Because of this I think he will eventually be on board 100%. I can't give up on him because he has never given up on me.

 

  To your second response:

After reading your Scripture citations I feel a bit more confident in my ability to gauge his level of faith. I have thought about it all day. I feel that like myself he is an imperfect human being. Just like me he needs to work on himself as to who he is through God. I think that he has more knowledge of the Word than I do but our meeting was no mistake. I have this feeling that we were brought together to be strengthened in the name of Jesus. I have never had a solid example as to the foundation of what a relationship is meant to be. If I did though, this would probably be it. I put his name in place of love in 1 Corinthians 13;4-7 as you suggested. What I found was not perfect but potential.

   Many of my fears I think are just demons from my past. Talking to both you and Geraldine has really helped to bring some clarity to my situation. I will continue to keep these considerations in mind as I value the opinions of those who are also children of God.

 

Thank You again so much. May God bless you and keep you in good health. Please let me know if there is anything that you would like me to pray for you :)

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Geraldine,

   I thank God too that he has given me the pleasure of meeting you. I am happy that God has given you the voice to spread his Word and his love. Your heart is definitely pure.

  You are absolutely right we are nothing without him! <3 Thank you for your kindness and reassurance! :):lol::) Also thank you for your prayers! <3

   I promise I have no intention to change my boyfriend but I do have the intention to take him with me on my journey with God. As I told Invincible, he has never given up on me so I will not give up on him.

   I'm going to pray and talk to my boyfriend before I make my final decision about moving into my daughters room. I think this will be the best option though. 

   If anyone were to ask I will call you my friend and I will call you my friend and my sister before Jesus when the time comes as well.

  

May he also bless you in abundance <3

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Wow...I'm deeply touched lovely Rewritten4Him.

Thank you so much for your kind words. :)

I'm very honored and I do appreciate a lot your consideration toward me as a sister and friend in Jesus. Thank you indeed.

Nevertheless, I think it's vitally important that you call Jesus before me or before anyone else in case of need.

I'm just a vessel that God is using(thank God for that :) ). But I'm totally unuseful if Jesus doesn't inspire me.

So I'm very happy that I'm a blessing for you and that God is using me for you.

I'm happy to be your friend and to help you when you need...But for us, our first friend and help is Jesus.

And I know you agree with me.

Much love and kisses from the bottom of my heart for you beautiful princess servant of God :)  :)

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Oh I'm sorry, I believe you misunderstood when I said I would call you a friend and sister before Jesus. I didn't mean before as "in order of preceding." I meant before as in "in front of." I will always call on him first above everyone else because he is my God but it is nice to have friends who understand me. :)

Much love to you as well :)

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