Anna

When do you tell someone you're waiting?

13 posts in this topic

This is something I really struggle with myself and I don't know about anyone else!

I never know when it's a good time to tell someone I'm waiting until marriage.

If I start to like a guy as more than a friend, I don’t want to just tell him and put him off me but I don’t want to wait until he really likes me to hit him with the bombshell that he can’t sleep with me until marriage and then have him leave me when I/he have grown attached.

Now, I’m a huge believer in the fact that if a guy is put off because I want to wait then it really is his loss, it wasn’t meant to be and there will be someone else but there is a chance he could deal with it but when is the right time to let them know!?

Getting him to fall for you and then telling him seems unfair and I’d feel like I’m leading him on but telling him straight away may just frighten him off and put him in the 'friend zone'

I’ve concluded to slip it into the conversation whilst you’re still just friends. You’re at risk of always remaining just friends if he then thinks, “I don’t think I could date her but I respect her for itâ€

However, there is still the possibility that even with the knowledge you’re waiting he continues to get to know you and start to love you all the more for it and just wants to be with you and your fabulous personality!

What do you think? I just wanted other people’s perspectives on it. When do you tell them you’re waiting? On the first date? After you get to know each other better?

I actually find it a really scary thing to tell someone I like because you never know what their reaction will be!

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Tricky question...it's one of the many challenges of waiting, in my opinion...along with dealing with one's partner not having waited, etc. I used to think that 'as early as possible' was best...but not so anymore. Since this is a very personal thing, it should probably be revealed at a time when an emotional connection has been established, imo. I'd probably tell any girl, at the point where she seemed most open to physical intimacy (this has usually been when she would try to make a move on me, lol). Hence, it felt like the most appropriate moment...and it lets you know what their real intentions are. If they freak out...then they're most likely in it, with the expectation of some sexual gratification in the present/near future. If they're happy/relieved, then there's something more unique, precious, and solid going on between you and them...iow, they probably really like YOU and not your body. On the other hand, there are the 'snakes in the grass' types (of both sexes), so you still have to watch out. Funny thing is, when you bring up your fears of heartache/heart break...it just seems to me that, as with any relationship, that's just a given possibility. I've had to deal with it...on top of the usual loneliness, etc...and I guess it's just something we have to face as humans...especially those who don't WANT to spend the rest of our lives as bachelors/spinsters. So, hang in there...it'll all work out in the end. Just my two cents is all...take it with a grain of salt, if you decide to take it for consideration, at all.

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Hey Anna! I think this is something that everyone who is WTM struggles with. I have yet to discover the ideal time to bring it up. We really only have about 2 options:

1. Before any emotional connection (i.e. 'just friends')

Pros -

Weeds out the guys that are looking to 'get some.'

Avoids awkwardness later.

Can establish an instant connection with someone else who is waiting.

Cons -

May scare away someone that had potential.

May make you into a target.

2. After an emotional connection (i.e. 'i guess i kind of like you')

Pros -

Greater chance of acceptance.

Might get crazy lucky and find out they're waiting too!

Cons -

Can be awkward when it's finally brought up.

Harder to deal with incompatibility.

One of my friends just blurts it out within a few times of meeting someone. Their reasoning is that the sooner it's out in the open the better. While that may work with someone else who's also waiting it's very offputting for people that aren't. This approach is probably more well suited for people that are picky and want to avoid conflict later and couch people that aren't waiting in the 'friend zone.'

I tend to wait until there is an emotional connection because I feel more comfortable discussing things at that level. This is tough because I am somewhat picky but I also enjoy being in relationships. I don't like to scare away people with potential but that has definitely caused some awkward talks later on.

In short there is no real answer to this. It really depends on both people involved. I opt for the greater chance of being accepted and sometimes have to deal with unpleasant reactions. I don't think there is an ideal solution but I'd love to hear what more people think!

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I've always been the big "teller" in life lol Its hard for me to not talk about things that are important. My friends say Im the most transparent person they have ever met. This is not awkward for me and I have a lot of confidence. Now I am a little older than some of my friends (34) and also a divorcee (ex had an affair) so that might put me at a lil bit of a different place with this. I do not do a lot of "casual" dating and try to do more of getting to know people as friends first anyways. I have found this to be and easier approach and find some way to bring it up very early in the ballgame. Honestly my belief is~ in the early stages if someone were to bolt then chances are they werent "meant to be" anyways.

You have made a beautiful decision and shine because of it! One thing that helped me when I was in college was learning that if I say something with confidence, stand tall, look someone in the eye and have a smile when I do it... its received a lot better! :) ( I used to be in love with staring at the floor haha)

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Well this thing (waiting till marriage) seems a lot like topics of religion, political views, etc...very personal...so I'm not sure if it should be let out of the bag, before a certain amount of trust has been established. If you don't mind my asking, Mona...are you still waiting...and if so, is it on love or what? Just wondering...if that's too personal a question, then you don't have to answer it...

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Well this thing (waiting till marriage) seems a lot like topics of religion, political views, etc...

Exactly what I was thinking! You wouldn't want to go around telling every person that you meet that you're a member of a pagan cult, or a neoconservative, right off the bat. Although other neocons that are less open about their views might flock to you. This is an idea that I haven't proven but I feel like if you went around with a megaphone telling people how there's only one girl for you out there, then other people who are waiting might come say hi. Of course don't attempt this literally...

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Good questions, Anna!

And it's a tough one depending on your personality and dating style. I'm super private so I don't really feel the need to tell. But my situation is different also because I don't date. For someone who is interested in dating, here is what I would think.

I don't believe that you have to tell them overtly. Honestly, the trend these days is to get intimate soooo quickly that just by being slightly reserved, he'll get a clue. I'm a huge fan of not dating total strangers but those that know you and that you have a friendship with. In that case, they should know that there is something different about you just by having hung around you.

Now if a guy walking down the street asks you out, chances are that he'd appreciate being told because he doesn't know much about you^.^

I know, weird logic, but this is what I've observed so far. How soon to come out and bluntly say it depends on

1. Who you're dating

2. Your dating style and

3. Your conscience

But I do believe that you have an inking that someone doesn't know and has different expectations then you, that either you tell them that you don't plan on being intimate before marriage or let them know that they're not going to be compatible with you.

Honesty is the best way to go but neither do you have to share what you think of as private with someone. Again, this all changes perspective depending on your personality, your boundaries, and that particular partner. There isn't one set formula to follow.

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I think that is a difficult thing to time when to say. In my experience, past bf/gf history came up and somehow it fit that I could say that I was waiting. Try not to just randomly bring it up-THEN its awkward. =P Faye, just wondering what you do if you do not date? I've only had 2 bfs and went on a 'date' with another guy, but to me it's a way to get to know someone you have a romantic interest in. And, as a woman you can set the limits physically.

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Faye, just wondering what you do if you do not date? I've only had 2 bfs and went on a 'date' with another guy, but to me it's a way to get to know someone you have a romantic interest in. And, as a woman you can set the limits physically.

Hey Sally,

When I say that I don't date, I mean that I don't do the standard dating. I don't say yes when a guy who I don't know, decides to ask me out. Here is what would work in my world. I'd see the person in or around my life whether it's through work, school, or church. I'd get a chance to become friends with them, no pressure. Then I'd be able to take a look at that person and see that they are someone that I have things in common with, that I'd be able to respect. In seeing that, hopefully, he'll find the same attributes attractive about me. Hanging around each other in your daily lives without the pressure of dating would help to get you comfortable around each other and so on.

Having someone take a look at me and decide that I'm attractive enough that they want to get to know me seems shallow and insufficient. It's backwards :D

But, I don't think that everyone has to think the way that I do. I'm just very old fashioned in my thinking!

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Sorry for the lack of replying! I just liked reading through them all and seeing what everyone said. You all have great advice! I never really thought of it like the topics of politics and religion but you make a good point with that. I tend to just blurt it out or tell them as we get to know each other. I feel like the next time I meet a guy I like I will be a lot more sensible with how I tell them because it is a personal decision that I should go around teling everyone.

I mainly asked when I was interested in this guy in college but turns out I never needed to tell him coz he isn't interested in me! But for future reference I will be turning to this page!

I don't quite know why but I find it so much easier to tell girls that I'm waiting. I literally drop it into casual conversations with girls I've just met/ feel comfortable enough with. I think it's because I know a lot of the girs I'm with will respect me for it and give me a boost because they'll compliment or praise my decision. With guys it's a completely different story! I also think as well that the more people I tell, the more likely I will be to wait because I know I've preached it so I should practice it too. Does anyone else think along those lines or is it a bad thing to do, do you reckon?

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Umm...it's prolly 'cause girls (or if you were me, it would be guys) don't register for you as 'people of romantic interest'. When you think you're interested in a person, things such as this become an issue, mainly 'cause you're probably thinking 'Will he/she be turned off by it?' When someone doesn't fit into that mould, it doesn't seem to matter as much...hence it's much easier to say such things...

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Anna,

I totally agree! I can easily tell girls I feel comfortable with because even if they are not virgins usually they respect me for it. Although, sometimes telling some girls that makes them not want to tell me things, like if they mess around with guys, etc. Like I have a friends who has had guys (not bfs) stay the night (w/o sex, still physical) and I didn't know that until conversation turned to guys b/t her, my sister and I. I was like you've had guys stay over? Then she looked kinda embarassed. I was like I don't care, I'm just surprised since you hadn't said anything. So, some people don't come to me, but I guess that's okay because I am more focused on keeping to my goal.

TD: I understand your point, but with guys I've said it (another friend was there who was also waiting) and he was like 'why'? and Got kind of argumentative--as if he was our bf. Which btw, he was taken, so I don't know why he was trying to convince us to give it up? Maybe for the sake of another guy? I jsut don't like someone aruguing with me about a serious decision. If it is a discussion, fine, but not I don't like it when someone is trying to convince me not to wait.

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personally i think it is best to tell him before agreeing to date him if he is ok with it then date :)

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