struggling

new year, same story

10 posts in this topic

So here I am on the final day of this year and instead of heading out somewhere I've spent the whole day having my own pity party, basically feeling sorry for myself...because I am still waiting. 

I have engaged in sexual relations but just not had INTERCOURSE...so I am sexually experienced in a way but technically I'm still a virgin because I still haven't penetrated a woman.

I almost did it 10 years ago and I managed to put on the condom but then FEAR struck me as soon as I realised that I was about to have sex...panic set in and I didn't go through with it because I felt it was the wrong thing to do.  Since then, I tried twice with someone else but failed both times.  I had anxiety, could barely fit the condom on and couldn't get hard enough. This girl was horrible to me and deep down I didn't want to do it with her, I just wanted to finally lose my virginity so that I could finally achieve my goal.  I had failed to have sex and you can imagine how my self worth and self esteem was shot to pieces. I suppose maybe it is the FEAR that's trapped me from going all the way with a woman due to my faith and the convictions I have had.

So basically I'm 32 and still a virgin (technically speaking).   Deep down I believe I've done the right thing, it's just that I didn't think I'd be waiting this long to meet the right person.

I am so distressed, gutted and bitter at missing out on a sex life and I am deeply ashamed of it. Furthermore because I haven't performed the act of intercourse yet, I'm concerned about whether I can actually do it or not. I have to prove to myself that I can actually penetrate a woman! How can I know for sure if I've never done it? I have a fixation on the actual physical act of intercourse.

I kinda of see it as a goal and an achievement if I finally get it done. But because I haven't I feel less of a man. I see being a virgin at this age as the worst thing in the world to the point where I curse the day I was born.   I feel like such a failure.  I suppose it's just this idea that there's this natural physical act that I am yet to do and it has always made me feel incredibly inadequate.  I see everyone who has had sex as better, more whole, more rounded people.  It's difficult to explain but there's this sense of total isolation sometimes that I feel with being a virgin at my age, like I'm not almost fully human.  And knowing that I'm one of the very few people still to experience this one thing.  You know it's that feeling you had at school of being picked last for the team...only that in this case I'm not even being picked at all!

Instead of this abstinence being something that's beneficial it's only caused utter torment and torture.  I mean with something as significant as celibacy you want to see some reward and benefit coming from it.
I guess what I need then is perhaps some inner healing for effectively the trauma and agony of missing out on a sex life my whole life.  Where do I, can I go from here anyway?  To lose it to just anyone would be a complete waste after having waited all this time but then that means to carry on waiting and letting this torment continue.

You can see how I feel there's just no way out here.
 

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Hi struggling….

Thank you for sharing all this… I think it must have not been easy…

I really hope my answer will help you.

I’m not a man, but I totally understand you.

As you say you are a christian, I believe  that for those who put their total trust in God, there is plenty of hope.

I do believe that for all His children, God has a perfect plan… I think you have bougth a lie when you say « I have a fixation on the actual physical act of intercourse.

I kinda of see it as a goal and an achievement if I finally get it done. But because I haven't I feel less of a man. Â»

It’s a lie to believe that you are a man once you have performed the act of sexual intercourse. All kinds of animals can do this : dogs, monkeys, cats…. And so on… there is nothing extraordinary in doing this.

So to abstain from the act of sexual intercourse, it requires to be a man with logic and will and thoughts.   

It is so easy to have sex nowadays…unfortunately….I wish I could say the same about love. But I can’t.

So many people have sex and so many of them are totally frustrated. So they think they should get more sex to be less frustrated and they become addicted to sex. And they feel more and more empty,alone ,bitter, disappointed…and so on…

Sex had never and will never make somebody happy. Sex wasn’t designed for this. A lot of people (both men and women) give the testimony that they felt empty and lost after having sex…

So they feel the exact same thing you are feeling currently, except they have added sex on the equation. And that won’t help them…that won’t help you neither.

Sex done without a context of true selfless love, commitment is really totally vain.

 

So the solution to get out of your frustration is not to have sex, because, plenty of people have sex and feel the same way you feel. The solution is to understand who you are and what is your purpose in God.

God didn’t create you to perform sex.  He has a higher plan for you.

And don’t deceive yourself by thinking that having a romantic relationship with a woman will deliver you from your negative feelings. If you’re not happy now , while being alone, another person in your life or sex won’t change that. It will be worse.

I know plenty of married people who are totally unhappy.

You see…

Only God can give you true happiness. God has loved you so much that He gave His only Son for you, in order that you can have eternal life. God is really concerned with you, you mean a lot for God.

 

The Bible tells us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and that we have to offer our members as living sacrifices to God.

My advice, as a sister in Christ, is to tell you that you have to focus on what matters most.

Our life upon earth will last just a moment.

Our eternal life won’t have an end.

And all that we are thinking, telling and doing now  will have consequences. We will have to answer before the throne of God.  

So do you live a life that pleases God, that is a blessing to others ?

Do you meditate upon the Bible day and nigth ? I noticed that when I meditate upon the Bible my days are full of joy and victories, even if I have some difficulties.

I can assure you when you have this mindset to live to please God and not for yourself, even if sometimes you have temptations and struggles, you will be truly happy and fulfilled.

Jesus didn’t promise that everything would be easy…He promised to give us joy and victory through difficult times.

I pray that God can reveal you His purpose for your life and that He gives you victory in this situation in the name of Jesus.Amen

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You are not the only one man I am almost your age I'm 30 and I understand yout frustration. There are benefits to waiting like not having kids till ur ready and no studs ans saving yourself for your wife but I'm learning that to really be blessed you have to try to put God first. That means not doing other sexual things either... I believe that might be just as bad especially if you are trusting in God and praying for Him to deliver the right one for you. but it is not about the past! All of your blessings are in front of you. If you put God first He will come through even tho u might have to wait

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The people above me have urged you to keep the faith and continue on the path you’ve been struggling with all your adult life, but I think you should be well aware that there are other options that you can choose -- and that are okay to choose.

The Christians on this site will tell you that the Bible commands Christians to WTM, but that is just one interpretation and in fact many Christians do not feel that their religion obligates them to do so, and the majority do not WTM. Know that you are not a bad person if you decide to have sex before marriage. If anyone told you that or you were made to feel that way by the culture you were raised in or religion, then those people are wrong. Not WTM is nothing to be ashamed of. Based on your post, your struggles WTM seem to be taking a huge toll on your wellbeing. That’s not good. You deserve to do what makes you happy in this life. There is nothing inherently good about WTM -- it’s only good if it benefits you and improves your quality of life… and it doesn’t sound like it’s doing that at all. I think the desire to WTM has to come deep down from the innermost part of your soul or it will come into major conflict with other desires you have, which is clearly happening in your case. The fact that numerous times over the years there has been a recurring pattern of you "doing other things" and coming very close to having sex says to me that WTM might not be the best choice for you.

It is a new year and you are at a crossroads. Something very important clearly needs to change in your life or nothing will change and one of these days you may finally go all the way and impulsively have sex and feel horrible about it -- not only because you didn't WTM but also because you feel like you can't trust yourself to hold true to your convictions. Just reading some people’s advice on here encouraging you to keep WTM, although it might lift your spirits for a moment, probably won’t have any lasting effect. You’ve been struggling with this for over a decade: haven’t you gone through cycles like this before, where you temporarily feel fired up and motivated to change and then sooner or later you go back to repeating the same behaviors again? I know I experience that all the time when I want to change my behavior. The thing is, in order to change you have to truly want to change with every fiber of your being, and you can’t really make yourself want to change because in order to do that you have to already want to in the first place.

It seems to me you only have two real options here: either 1) somehow completely change who you are -- take permanently mind altering drugs, climb Mt. Everest and have a spiritual awakening, cut off your testicles -- do something, anything to ensure that you do not continue being tortured by your abstinence, or 2) try to accept the idea that WTM just simply might not be something you’re suited for -- and given the sexual dysfunction you described, maybe even consider seeing a sexual therapist or a high-class escort to help you gain some sexual confidence.

WTM is not for everyone, and again, that’s perfectly fine. Nothing bad will happen to you if you have sex before marriage. You will be exactly the same person you were before. And it most certainly will not destroy the possibility of you ever finding true love and getting happily married. That’s what most people do.

Anyway, whatever you decide, good luck and happy New Year!

Eya! If a person is not a christian, or don't believe in the bible then he/she might walk with this but if you are a true believer then no one should tell you that wtm is required. True no one should ostracize you should you not wait, doesn't make it right. what's wrong is wrong doesn't matter who is doing it. There are times when I would think waiting was my problem but it really is not, some my friends who aren't waiting go through the same thing only with more heartbreak stories and my friends who waited are all married and look happy. If you think carefully you will realise that the problem isn't really bcos U are waiting. Now if i went astray I would be sorry and not justify myself because I have needs that needed to be met, you can't act on every emotion(its called self control), worse if you tell yourself its bcos U want to feel better......I feel like am talking too much already.

......Anyway

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My New Years resolution is to finally complete my 2015 New Years resolution which I should have done in 2014 b/c I created the resolution in 2013!

I can relate to how you feel. I'd be lying if I didn't say my virginity doesn't bother me. I think being able to meet a woman and build a relationship (be it long and romantic or short and flirtatious) and then eventually have sex with her is something deemed very "manly" by society. But what makes a man a man is kind of dependent on who you ask.

A guy who is smooth and great with the ladies can sleep with a new woman every day of the week but to him he's a man and will see you as less, but that's cuz he interprets manliness that way.

You've got to realize that although the urge is powerful (to have sex), your value as a man is not something that is measured or evaluated by your sexual experience.

I'm a virgin at 24 like totally never even gotten close to losing it ever. I still consider myself a man. I'm not totally satisfied with how my life is, but I am happy and working on my self. You should work on yourself as well. Try and say positive.

The enemy within you (that is your thoughts) are more powerful than anything on the outside so stay positive and focus less on your lack of sexual experience.

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The people above me have urged you to keep the faith and continue on the path you’ve been struggling with all your adult life, but I think you should be well aware that there are other options that you can choose -- and that are okay to choose.

 

The Christians on this site will tell you that the Bible commands Christians to WTM, but that is just one interpretation and in fact many Christians do not feel that their religion obligates them to do so, and the majority do not WTM. Know that you are not a bad person if you decide to have sex before marriage. If anyone told you that or you were made to feel that way by the culture you were raised in or religion, then those people are wrong. Not WTM is nothing to be ashamed of. Based on your post, your struggles WTM seem to be taking a huge toll on your wellbeing. That’s not good. You deserve to do what makes you happy in this life. There is nothing inherently good about WTM -- it’s only good if it benefits you and improves your quality of life… and it doesn’t sound like it’s doing that at all. I think the desire to WTM has to come deep down from the innermost part of your soul or it will come into major conflict with other desires you have, which is clearly happening in your case. The fact that numerous times over the years there has been a recurring pattern of you "doing other things" and coming very close to having sex says to me that WTM might not be the best choice for you.

 

It is a new year and you are at a crossroads. Something very important clearly needs to change in your life or nothing will change and one of these days you may finally go all the way and impulsively have sex and feel horrible about it -- not only because you didn't WTM but also because you feel like you can't trust yourself to hold true to your convictions. Just reading some people’s advice on here encouraging you to keep WTM, although it might lift your spirits for a moment, probably won’t have any lasting effect. You’ve been struggling with this for over a decade: haven’t you gone through cycles like this before, where you temporarily feel fired up and motivated to change and then sooner or later you go back to repeating the same behaviors again? I know I experience that all the time when I want to change my behavior. The thing is, in order to change you have to truly want to change with every fiber of your being, and you can’t really make yourself want to change because in order to do that you have to already want to in the first place.

 

It seems to me you only have two real options here: either 1) somehow completely change who you are -- take permanently mind altering drugs, climb Mt. Everest and have a spiritual awakening, cut off your testicles -- do something, anything to ensure that you do not continue being tortured by your abstinence, or 2) try to accept the idea that WTM just simply might not be something you’re suited for -- and given the sexual dysfunction you described, maybe even consider seeing a sexual therapist or a high-class escort to help you gain some sexual confidence.

 

WTM is not for everyone, and again, that’s perfectly fine. Nothing bad will happen to you if you have sex before marriage. You will be exactly the same person you were before. And it most certainly will not destroy the possibility of you ever finding true love and getting happily married. That’s what most people do.

 

Anyway, whatever you decide, good luck and happy New Year!

Sorry LK, without wanting to attack you, this meme represents what I deeply think about your answer

post-41207-0-23184500-1451769600_thumb.j

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Personally I think Lady Kaede gave a fantastic answer. In this case, WTM is clearly having an extremely negative affect on his quality of life. Being open to other options is a good thing at this stage in my opinion. If anything makes you feel this deeply unhappy then surely something has to change.

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I don't think this is necessarily an issue of waiting or not waiting. I think, first of all, you have to stop tying your self-worth to whether you've had sex or not. You're not any less of a person or less of a man because you're a virgin. I don't think just going out and having sex is going to fix things.

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DUDE, RELAX!!!.  Your problem is that you are fixating too much on sex!  Our main goal in life (as a man or woman) is not just to have sex.  People make it like it's the Holy Grail! Stop letting the quality of your life depend on whether or not you had sex start focusing on other things to make you happy! Then, while you are living your life, maybe one day, you will find that perfect woman for you, marry her, and be able to have sex. BUT, you will not be happy because you had sex, what you will really be happy about is that you found someone to love and spend your life with- THIS is what we are all after really, not just sex! If you want to have sex sooo bad, why don't you just go to a bar and pick up some willing chick or call a hooker? That's all you want, to have sex right? You can finally do it and be happy! But...you won't really be happy will you? No.  Because again, it's really love and companionship you are after!  Sex can be something you do once...it's DONE...and then it's like you never did it!  When the desire for sex strikes again, where will you go? You will find yourself constantly chasing after it to satisfy yourself! 

 

So, again, you need to just stop thinking about it, stop caring about whether or not you do it, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL, and honestly, I know this sounds blunt, and easier said than done....but JUST GET A LIFE!  GET BUSY!! get some hobbies! join a group where you can make new friends! get more involved in your church/temple/mosque whatever, get closer to God, and for Pete's sake, be PROUD of yourself! Be CONFIDENT!  You gotta OWN it MAN! You are awesome!!  And though many stupid people in our society may make fun of you, there are plenty of others who will commend you for living a life of righteousness! For refusing to give in and life the soft life! No way man, the soft life is for WIMPS! You are a champion!  I personally find it very commendable that you are still a virgin (even just "technically"), and would be very VERY impressed with any guy like you I met in real life!!!  

 

 

So, again, I'm going to put it bluntly, because that's what you need to hear:  you're fine! FREAKIN' RELAX!!! :excl:  :D

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Thank you so much for all your responses and thoughts.  I'm thinking through what's been said here and will return with further thoughts. 

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