Dani

Telling your partner you want to wait

5 posts in this topic

Hi everyone,

I need a little support. I am a girl dating a guy that I really like. I have decided to wait until marriage. This is a firm, personal decision I made a few years ago. In the past, I have had issues where this was a problem for the person I was dating. They didn't agree with the reasoning behind my decision, but they said they would not push me and that they "understood." However, it is very difficult for non-waiters to understand abstinence. This guy was pretending to be supportive while really just thinking that I would eventually change my mind and just give in. Long story short, this ended up being one of the many reasons we broke up. Anyways, because of this experience, and just due to the fact that its not something I talk about a lot, I REALLY struggle with telling people about my decision. I feel like its time for me to tell my current boyfriend; and I am sure he is not a waiter and that he is expecting me to have sex with him eventually, because he makes jokes or comments that hint at sex....but I am so, so scared to tell him. I'm pretty certain he is not going to be happy with what I have to say. But I want to be honest and not lead him on. I also do not want to force my beliefs on him, and I want to know his opinion on it, because, unfortunately, if he's not on board with me, then I am just wasting my time (it's kind of a deal breaker for me if he's not willing to wait). But maybe its a deal breaker for him that I am not willing to do it....

 

So basically my question is does anyone have any tips on how to start/maintain this conversation. I am not a shy person, but I always shut down when this subject comes up, because I don't know how to express myself in a way that others will understand, and without sounding like a crazy cult member or something...(I know we are not a cult, but some people may see us this way lol). My decision is based on religious beliefs, but at the end of the day, its a decision I have made for myself. I just feel so lost and so scared.

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Communication is key so you have to tell him at some point.  Since you said he hints at sex, the next time he does that ask him is opinions on it in regards to your relationship and/ or in general, and then share how your feel about it.

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If he is hinting at sex I think it is high time that WTM is addressed otherwise he would feel being lead on. Or the more innocent explanation is it might be a way for him to deal with sexual frustration which is not necessarily incompatible with him being willing to wait....
As a way of bringing up the conversation you could perhaps do so explicitly. Some may find this awkward since so much of dating seems to be non-explicit. For example, maybe start a mutual discussion of deal-breakers or expectations on the relationship. You could express your interest in knowing his expectations and your possible joy in meeting them. I am sure he has some deal-breakers or expectations that he is willing to share explicitly if you give him a safe-space i.e. communicating before hand that his shares won't be condemned or criticised or be made to feel guilty for them. Ideally give him [and yourself] some time to think about it and reflect on his expectations [something he may not consciously have done a great deal]. Naturally, there will likely be possible deal-breakers/expectations he hasn't thought about [e.g. WTM] so its not like your lists should have to be exhaustive; leave space for addition. If he has the expectation of sex before marriage it is possible that this will come up from him, if not WTM can be expressed as a deal-breaker on your behalf. Since WTM seems to be such a heavy topic for you, consider whether there are other deal-breakers/expectations that might be enough for him to see that this relationship won't work out unless he is willing to either try and hide it or change it e.g. pornography, substance abuse/alcohol, spirituality etc.

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"This guy was pretending to be supportive while really just thinking that I would eventually change my mind and just give in."

 

well if that happens again, you will know that this guy is not for you.

 

Talk to him ASAP, the sooner you get this over with the better. If you find out he cannot wait for you then the experiment is over...good, time is precious and you don't wanna waist it trying to date someone who cannot agree or tolerate your beliefs. On the other side of the coin if he does agree with you, then great you got that bit of awkwardness out of the way and now the two of you can enjoy the rest of your relationship... if he is just waiting to change your mind like what happened before that will come out in time, no need to worry about it, just enjoy the relationship for now :).

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Thanks for the replies so far. I know it seems obvious what I have to do, its just causing me a great deal of anxiety at the moment. Like, a lot. Even just thinking of having the conversation gets my scared. I know I need to just suck it up and get it over with. Be a big girl. But its scary. I don't want to lose this person, but its a very real possibility that I will. And I am just so crap at having serious conversations. I always get frustrated and shut down. Anyways, thanks again for the replies so far; and if anyone else has any advice or experience with this, I would love to hear! 

 

:)

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