Laurentinus

Are there times in life...

12 posts in this topic

...when a guy just shouldn't date women, or even seek them out as potential partners?  Where he should improve himself before he even thinks of burdening a women with his baggage?  For example, I'm a post-graduate currently looking for a full-time job (any job would do right now, but I know that part-time/minimum wage jobs aren't exactly attractive to the opposite sex), but to add to my problems, I'm not even that enthusiastic about my field, since I basically completed school to prove that I could finish something for once in my life.  I'm almost 25, too, so if I went to school again, I would have to pick something fast.

I really don't know what I want to do with my life other than work with the diploma I have, and I'm not even sure what my real passions are these days.  I'm pretty insecure about that fact, too, but I don't know when that state of mind will pass.   If you met a guy like me, would you avoid him like the plague until he got his life together?  Would it be beneficial for him/me to stay away from romance as well?

I know guys are supposed to take the initiative if they want a women, but would putting myself out there in my current, insecure state make things worse?  :unsure:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I'm 30 and back in school trying to work towards a new career, but not working at all and still living at home. I feel unworthy of a girl's time and doubt any would want to date me in this state, no matter how understanding she is. Most girls want guys who have it all together before they even consider him. That's the harsh reality I guess. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guys, stop putting yourselves down! There will be a girl out there who will love you despite your baggage. We inflate our baggage when in reality they aren't a big deal. (I mean, it's not as if you guys are axe-murderers or man-whores ;) ).

 

Love is accepting someone's flaws and celebrating their strengths  :wub:  Find a girl who will do that and you've got a keeper  :P

7 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

...when a guy just shouldn't date women, or even seek them out as potential partners?  Where he should improve himself before he even thinks of burdening a women with his baggage?  For example, I'm a post-graduate currently looking for a full-time job (any job would do right now, but I know that part-time/minimum wage jobs aren't exactly attractive to the opposite sex), but to add to my problems, I'm not even that enthusiastic about my field, since I basically completed school to prove that I could finish something for once in my life.  I'm almost 25, too, so if I went to school again, I would have to pick something fast.

I really don't know what I want to do with my life other than work with the diploma I have, and I'm not even sure what my real passions are these days.  I'm pretty insecure about that fact, too, but I don't know when that state of mind will pass.   If you met a guy like me, would you avoid him like the plague until he got his life together?  Would it be beneficial for him/me to stay away from romance as well?

I know guys are supposed to take the initiative if they want a women, but would putting myself out there in my current, insecure state make things worse?  :unsure:

I think that taking some "you" time is a really good idea. While it is completely possible to find a woman in your current state, if you are seeking someone of a high caliber, you should be working toward the same. Right now you're very vulnerable, and you aren't secure in who you are and how you feel about yourself. Bringing someone else into that will only make your situation worse, as you seek to define yourself in relation to another person. Take this time to just seek yourself. It's okay not to have  a plan right now, and it's ok to feel a little lost. What isn't ok is to grope around for someone else if you're sinking. You wouldn't want a woman to cling to you and drag you down. That's my opinion, but I respect your candor. Everyone feels lost sometimes, and especially when we throw ourselves into something and it isn't what we thought it was. We're always here if you need to talk :)

 

 

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I'm 30 and back in school trying to work towards a new career, but not working at all and still living at home. I feel unworthy of a girl's time and doubt any would want to date me in this state, no matter how understanding she is. Most girls want guys who have it all together before they even consider him. That's the harsh reality I guess. :(

I guess I would say the same to you, Invincible. But you're not the only one feeling the struggle. I'm using my "waiting" time to become the sort of woman that I want to be (spiritually, mentally, and physically). As struggling as close to "self-actualization" (as Maslow might put it) as I can. I want to make sure that when I meet the "right" person, I have something to offer them and can add to them, not detract. I think that is a better use of my time than chasing love. When I meet that guy, I want to be the sort of woman that he knows he can't be without. Thanks for sharing your struggle :)

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Vince and Laurentinus,

I do understand what you guys are going through. When I graduated from college, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do either. I wasn't 100% sure what my passions were or what job to pursue. I told an old college professor of my struggle and he told me to help others, do some sort of service and from that you will find a path. At the moment, like Vince, I am also changing careers (working towards grad school) and still living at home. It is definitely frustrating when you feel like the rest of the world is moving forward except you. I do want stability and I do think at times I have low self-esteem and think," What woman will give me chance given my situation." " I am loser."

On the positive, hang in there guys! Laurentinus, the fact that you received your degree is an accomplishment. You should be proud. Yes, your motive for finishing your degree is because you wanted to prove something to yourself and I do think that's ok. You might have received important skills from your experience and studies that you are not aware at the present moment.

Vince, I wish you the best of luck in your schooling and I know you will find your path. It may not appear obvious at first but you will get there. Hang in there, :).

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

...when a guy just shouldn't date women, or even seek them out as potential partners?  Where he should improve himself before he even thinks of burdening a women with his baggage?  For example, I'm a post-graduate currently looking for a full-time job (any job would do right now, but I know that part-time/minimum wage jobs aren't exactly attractive to the opposite sex), but to add to my problems, I'm not even that enthusiastic about my field, since I basically completed school to prove that I could finish something for once in my life.  I'm almost 25, too, so if I went to school again, I would have to pick something fast.

I really don't know what I want to do with my life other than work with the diploma I have, and I'm not even sure what my real passions are these days.  I'm pretty insecure about that fact, too, but I don't know when that state of mind will pass.   If you met a guy like me, would you avoid him like the plague until he got his life together?  Would it be beneficial for him/me to stay away from romance as well?

I know guys are supposed to take the initiative if they want a women, but would putting myself out there in my current, insecure state make things worse?  :unsure:

 

I made the decision to NOT pursue women after a graduated at the same age you are now.  Well done.  It made all the difference in the WORLD to me.  It opened up a whole new life for me to prepare myself to become someone great for Jesus.  People think all the things I do are: "cool as a ice, bro!" heh.  I think you are not a burden, you are just AWARE of what stage in life with which you are currently.  Well done.  People WISH they had that awareness a lot.  I know; several told me that they wished they could tell.

 

I will add one thing.  Make sure you leave the idea OPEN, however.  You shouldn't CLOSE the idea of finding someone, just keep your priorities in check.  SInce you know that you are still improving your life, then you don't have to look for a mate.  However, if one comes along that is COMPATIBLE with you growing like this in your career and other areas of life, then by all means, seize the opportunity!

 

If a door opens by itself to the same room you want to enter, by all means, you are already going into the same room!  If you have to open a door that leads to a room further away from the one you want to get to to improve your career, that's the wrong door.  When you get everything you need out of the room that helps you with your career, you can start opening all the other doors you want...

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh for crissakes I answered another "ask the girls" thread.  Sorry.  Well, I hope my advice helps anyway, heh...

 

*facepalm*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I made the decision to NOT pursue women after a graduated at the same age you are now.  Well done.  It made all the difference in the WORLD to me.  It opened up a whole new life for me to prepare myself to become someone great for Jesus.  People think all the things I do are: "cool as a ice, bro!" heh.  I think you are not a burden, you are just AWARE of what stage in life with which you are currently.  Well done.  People WISH they had that awareness a lot.  I know; several told me that they wished they could tell.

 

I will add one thing.  Make sure you leave the idea OPEN, however.  You shouldn't CLOSE the idea of finding someone, just keep your priorities in check.  SInce you know that you are still improving your life, then you don't have to look for a mate.  However, if one comes along that is COMPATIBLE with you growing like this in your career and other areas of life, then by all means, seize the opportunity!

 

If a door opens by itself to the same room you want to enter, by all means, you are already going into the same room!  If you have to open a door that leads to a room further away from the one you want to get to to improve your career, that's the wrong door.  When you get everything you need out of the room that helps you with your career, you can start opening all the other doors you want...

That's great advice! Women love a man with ambition who's trying to improve himself.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I made the decision to NOT pursue women after a graduated at the same age you are now.  Well done.  It made all the difference in the WORLD to me.  It opened up a whole new life for me to prepare myself to become someone great for Jesus.  People think all the things I do are: "cool as a ice, bro!" heh.  I think you are not a burden, you are just AWARE of what stage in life with which you are currently.  Well done.  People WISH they had that awareness a lot.  I know; several told me that they wished they could tell.

 

I will add one thing.  Make sure you leave the idea OPEN, however.  You shouldn't CLOSE the idea of finding someone, just keep your priorities in check.  SInce you know that you are still improving your life, then you don't have to look for a mate.  However, if one comes along that is COMPATIBLE with you growing like this in your career and other areas of life, then by all means, seize the opportunity!

 

If a door opens by itself to the same room you want to enter, by all means, you are already going into the same room!  If you have to open a door that leads to a room further away from the one you want to get to to improve your career, that's the wrong door.  When you get everything you need out of the room that helps you with your career, you can start opening all the other doors you want...

Totally agree with this one GP ! ^_^

And I want to encourage you Laurentinus, Invincible and Slayerofdragon : it is only a season of your life. It will pass.

Plus, as GP said above, you shouldn't close the idea of finding someone.

There are soooo much examples of couples I know in real life who met when the man was still a student and his situation was not what he wanted yet. But that, didn't prevent them from starting their relationship together and the man gained success later...

 

I want to give you an example of a true love story I read recently on this website :

http://strengthtodayandhopetomorrow.blogspot.fr/2012/03/my-courtship-story-new-phase.html

 

This is an awesome extract:

Rohn came to my house in late January and he and my dad went out for coffee together. Rohn had prepared what he was going to say, but was still terribly (understandably) nervous. He explained to my dad his reasons for wanting to pursue me and asked permission to start a courtship. He was sure that the next thing my dad would do was to ask him about his financial situation and how he was prepared to provide for a family, etc. But he didn't. My dad already knew that Rohn was a poor college student. He told Rohn, "Following God is more important than having money. If you are doing what God is asking you to do, He will provide."

 

When they arrived back at my house, Rohn and I took a walk together. He told me that he had asked my dad for permission to court me and that my dad had told him that he would pray about it and let him know in a week. Rohn told me that he hoped to be able to court me while finishing his sophomore and junior years of college and then get married the following summer. I was thrilled!

 

So began the longest week of our lives so far. It seemed like my dad must have prayed about that decision for a million years. At least!

 

 

The answer

 

Saturday eventually arrived. The day my dad was supposed to give us an answer. I waited impatiently all day. Morning went by. Afternoon. The evening was slipping away and I was beginning to wonder if he had forgotten. Neither Rohn nor I could focus on anything all day and by the end of the day our nerves were shot! I was almost ready to ask Dad if he had made a decision yet, when he pulled me aside and said that he wanted to talk to me. He said that he had prayed about it all week and fasted some as well. He informed me that he felt it was God's will for us to begin courting. I don't know what I did at that point. Maybe I squealed. Maybe I cried. Maybe I did both. All I remember is that I was ecstatically happy! It wasn't terribly late, maybe 8:00 in the evening, but my dad wondered if he should call Rohn then or wait until morning. "Call him now!" I shouted. "Don't make him wait another minute!"

 

After he finished talking to Rohn, Dad handed the phone to me. I'm pretty sure that conversation was one big jumble. We laughed and cried, and talked about how happy we were and how we couldn't believe that we were actually officially courting! Neither of us had been in a romantic relationship before, so this was a totally new experience for both of us. We felt weird referring to each other as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend".

 

Also, I watched the movie :" Freshman father"

It is an inspiring true story. A student in oxford is engaged and during the engagement,they make a mistake with his girlfriend. She becomes pregnant...Watch the movie and you will know the happy ending. :)

May God guide you all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTZy7NuTBFI

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Totally agree with this one GP ! ^_^

And I want to encourage you Laurentinus, Invincible and Slayerofdragon : it is only a season of your life. It will pass.

Plus, as GP said above, you shouldn't close the idea of finding someone.

There are soooo much examples of couples I know in real life who met when the man was still a student and his situation was not what he wanted yet. But that, didn't prevent them from starting their relationship together and the man gained success later...

 

I want to give you an example of a true love story I read recently on this website :

http://strengthtodayandhopetomorrow.blogspot.fr/2012/03/my-courtship-story-new-phase.html

 

This is an awesome extract:

Rohn came to my house in late January and he and my dad went out for coffee together. Rohn had prepared what he was going to say, but was still terribly (understandably) nervous. He explained to my dad his reasons for wanting to pursue me and asked permission to start a courtship. He was sure that the next thing my dad would do was to ask him about his financial situation and how he was prepared to provide for a family, etc. But he didn't. My dad already knew that Rohn was a poor college student. He told Rohn, "Following God is more important than having money. If you are doing what God is asking you to do, He will provide."

 

When they arrived back at my house, Rohn and I took a walk together. He told me that he had asked my dad for permission to court me and that my dad had told him that he would pray about it and let him know in a week. Rohn told me that he hoped to be able to court me while finishing his sophomore and junior years of college and then get married the following summer. I was thrilled!

 

So began the longest week of our lives so far. It seemed like my dad must have prayed about that decision for a million years. At least!

 

 

The answer

 

Saturday eventually arrived. The day my dad was supposed to give us an answer. I waited impatiently all day. Morning went by. Afternoon. The evening was slipping away and I was beginning to wonder if he had forgotten. Neither Rohn nor I could focus on anything all day and by the end of the day our nerves were shot! I was almost ready to ask Dad if he had made a decision yet, when he pulled me aside and said that he wanted to talk to me. He said that he had prayed about it all week and fasted some as well. He informed me that he felt it was God's will for us to begin courting. I don't know what I did at that point. Maybe I squealed. Maybe I cried. Maybe I did both. All I remember is that I was ecstatically happy! It wasn't terribly late, maybe 8:00 in the evening, but my dad wondered if he should call Rohn then or wait until morning. "Call him now!" I shouted. "Don't make him wait another minute!"

 

After he finished talking to Rohn, Dad handed the phone to me. I'm pretty sure that conversation was one big jumble. We laughed and cried, and talked about how happy we were and how we couldn't believe that we were actually officially courting! Neither of us had been in a romantic relationship before, so this was a totally new experience for both of us. We felt weird referring to each other as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend".

 

Also, I watched the movie :" Freshman father"

It is an inspiring true story. A student in oxford is engaged and during the engagement,they make a mistake with his girlfriend. She becomes pregnant...Watch the movie and you will know the happy ending. :)

May God guide you all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTZy7NuTBFI

 

Thanks for the encouragement, Geraldine. That's really cool to hear. To be honest though, I dread having to appeal to a girl's father for his blessing. I do believe that is proper to do, but most fathers are not like the one in the blog. Most fathers care very much that the man their daughters marry can provide for them financially and rightfully so. This Rohn guy looks like he's in his early twenties so he does have some leeway. But at age 30, most fathers would look upon a man that age with no job as pathetic, even if he was in school.

 

But I do hear what you are saying and a bit more encouraged. Thank you for sharing :)

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Geraldine for the shout-out and post. It gives me hope. Although, I think Vince has a good point. For me, a worry at the moment is finding a woman who will look beyond my meager financial situation at present and look to the heart, see values like loyalty, faithfulness, honesty that I possess. It appears to me in this day and age the first question people ask you is what can you provide(what job do you have, how much do you make etc..) instead of asking who are you as a person. I remember someone telling me that the job doesn't make you, you make the job. In other words, who you are as a person is worth more than your status symbol in society.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You guys are in great shape , try being 48 and try taking care of a demon seed brother who drained the life out your whole family , spent you into oblivion to the point where u end up losing your house and becoming homeless to the point where you can't even think of meeting a woman much less worry about meeting the right one . Oh and also your still with this enabled dipstick, working 2 jobs just trying to stay afloat ;)

I think this should lift you guys up a little to the point of thinking it ain't so bad for you guys after all ;)

See guys , it ain't that bad after all

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now