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DHZ

Feels like I'm gonna be alone forever.

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I mean, I'm 27 years old and I've never had a girlfriend or even gotten anywhere close. I mean I haven't even kissed a girl. I mean girls just don't like me, then I have another problem where I don't get see that many girls. I mean at college, I'm in the programming area where girls which means that there isn't any girls in my classes, and when there is they are around 40-50+. At the young adult group I goto it seems like they always have a guy, or at the very least they aren't interested in me. I mean the most I can get out of them is just hi, how are you don't. Then they tend to just leave. I don't really have any close friends that are girls. I don't know, it just seems like girls hate me.

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Hey DHZ,

     Just want to say that I can understand where you are coming from. I am 30 years old guy, never been kissed by a girl or held her hand. When I was in college studying as a Philosophy undergraduate there were a lot more male philosophy undergraduates then female ones. For faculty, I think the percentage of Philosophy professors who are females is 16.6% of the total 13,000 philosophers (from Digest of Education Statistics, 2003).  So, as you can see I was surrounded by a lot of males.  Even when it came to my interactions with people in college, my interactions with women were as you described. 

 

  One thing I observe from your post is this: You appear to lack confidence in yourself.  I will admit I was like that too. I lacked confidence in myself for a long time. When I interacted with a woman, after my interaction, I would think to myself, "Is she really interested in conversing with me? (she just left the table). "I must be a loser or something." After doing this for a while, I realized that I was feeling sorry for myself. The truth I realized in that situation was that it was no one's fault (me or the woman). It is just how conversation goes. If she leaves the table and is not interested in conversing with you, that's really okay. Go and find another woman to talk to surely someone is bound to listen to you. 

 

One thing that helped me gain more confidence in myself is to get out of my comfort zone. For me,  that involved doing martial arts, and as a quiet and shy guy I had put myself in a difficult situation. I found my instructor difficult to approach to ask for help, he didn't say much to me (he instructed but didn't offer a lot in in terms of accolades). When I would test in front of him, I would get bad performance anxiety. But, going through that experience, gave me certain tools to help with the difficult situation.  These tools have helped me when I am faced with difficult situations. Having these tools doesn't mean that you won't possibly be cured of your quietness, shyness, but it gives you the experience to say to yourself "hey I have been here before" and even if you haven't you have resources to help. 

 

  So how do you better yourself, one method to use is to talk to a counselor. At my college, a certain number of sessions with counselors are free because mental health services are part of the student's tuition. 

 

  It may feel like you are gonna be alone forever. I know I have felt that feeling many times, but you will get through this point in your life. Hang in there. 

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Hey DHZ,

     Just want to say that I can understand where you are coming from. I am 30 years old guy, never been kissed by a girl or held her hand. When I was in college studying as a Philosophy undergraduate there were a lot more male philosophy undergraduates then female ones. For faculty, I think the percentage of Philosophy professors who are females is 16.6% of the total 13,000 philosophers (from Digest of Education Statistics, 2003).  So, as you can see I was surrounded by a lot of males.  Even when it came to my interactions with people in college, my interactions with women were as you described. 

 

  One thing I observe from your post is this: You appear to lack confidence in yourself.  I will admit I was like that too. I lacked confidence in myself for a long time. When I interacted with a woman, after my interaction, I would think to myself, "Is she really interested in conversing with me? (she just left the table). "I must be a loser or something." After doing this for a while, I realized that I was feeling sorry for myself. The truth I realized in that situation was that it was no one's fault (me or the woman). It is just how conversation goes. If she leaves the table and is not interested in conversing with you, that's really okay. Go and find another woman to talk to surely someone is bound to listen to you. 

 

One thing that helped me gain more confidence in myself is to get out of my comfort zone. For me,  that involved doing martial arts, and as a quiet and shy guy I had put myself in a difficult situation. I found my instructor difficult to approach to ask for help, he didn't say much to me (he instructed but didn't offer a lot in in terms of accolades). When I would test in front of him, I would get bad performance anxiety. But, going through that experience, gave me certain tools to help with the difficult situation.  These tools have helped me when I am faced with difficult situations. Having these tools doesn't mean that you won't possibly be cured of your quietness, shyness, but it gives you the experience to say to yourself "hey I have been here before" and even if you haven't you have resources to help. 

 

  So how do you better yourself, one method to use is to talk to a counselor. At my college, a certain number of sessions with counselors are free because mental health services are part of the student's tuition. 

 

  It may feel like you are gonna be alone forever. I know I have felt that feeling many times, but you will get through this point in your life. Hang in there. 

I've tried psychologists for years, but nothing is helping.

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  • I mean, I'm 27 years old and I've never had a girlfriend or even gotten anywhere close. I mean I haven't even kissed a girl. I mean girls just don't like me, then I have another problem where I don't get see that many girls. I mean at college, I'm in the programming area where girls which means that there isn't any girls in my classes, and when there is they are around 40-50+. At the young adult group I goto it seems like they always have a guy, or at the very least they aren't interested in me. I mean the most I can get out of them is just hi, how are you don't. Then they tend to just leave. I don't really have any close friends that are girls. I don't know, it just seems like girls hate me.

 

Hi Sweetie

 

I completely understand your frustration. It's hard to meet people let alone date. The key it t put yourself out there and to keep trying. One day you'll find a girl who will stick. I know this sounds impossible at first.

  • Spend time with your guy friends and tell them about your problems. They might know the perfect girl for you. If you don't have guy friends then try and make some at place you love (gym, basketball courts, clubs).
  • Start by making friends with girls. Friendships that evolve to love are sweet and wonderful. Having female friends with help you understand women ad develop your social skills
  • If you meet a girl you like go for it. Ask her out for coffee. This double as a mini date and you can get to know her to decide if you want her number. Remember the worst that can happen is that she turns you down
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Thats some good advice man you have to be confident and try. I know how it is tho. Im 30 and only dated one or two girls I can be scary to ask but just start by making small talk like how are you doing? or where are you from? or what have you been up to? then try asking for a number or if they would want to hang out sometime.

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We all find someone. You will too. Never give up. Your not alone. Never stop searching until all doors have been open.     

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I mean, I'm 27 years old and I've never had a girlfriend or even gotten anywhere close. I mean I haven't even kissed a girl. I mean girls just don't like me, then I have another problem where I don't get see that many girls. I mean at college, I'm in the programming area where girls which means that there isn't any girls in my classes, and when there is they are around 40-50+. At the young adult group I goto it seems like they always have a guy, or at the very least they aren't interested in me. I mean the most I can get out of them is just hi, how are you don't. Then they tend to just leave. I don't really have any close friends that are girls. I don't know, it just seems like girls hate me.

I totally understand how you feel, DZ. I'm an ambivert, and can be very outgoing, but I then I swing the other way and can withdraw. It can be hard to find people that you "click" with, and I am speaking from a general social standpoint, not just romantically. I think that I have the exact opposite problem, where I find guys that are attracted to me, but we don't really have the chemistry. In my BCM all of the guys are like brothers in the lord, and so having that type of chemistry can be difficult as well. I think the key might be exposure. Putting yourself out there to meet a lot of different people. It's a numbers game, really. If there are 6billion people in the world, and only one girl that's right for you (or even one specific type of girl) then you've got to get out and try to sift through all of them. Start with people with whom you have something in common. Since we're in the same boat, if I ever figure it out, you'll be the first to know :)

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I second the martial arts suggestion. It'll help you earn self-esteem, and you'll carry yourself more confidently.

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