Cora Jay

50 Shades of Love?

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I am starting to feel like the odd one out. So many girls want this aggressive male counterpart as their boyfriend or husband. I can't seem to catch the fever and I don't want too. Someone grabbing me or speaking to me as less then is weird to me. To give someone so much power over you seems like a constant chess game.

How do you feel about it?

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I know this is Ask the Girls, but just thought I'd chime in my .02 as a guy.

I think I can understand your feelings somewhat.

I am not an aggressive male either. I lean more towards the sensitive, quiet male persona. Plus, it does seem like woman want the loud, boisterous aggressive male. For those of us who may be introverted, it may seem hard to fit into a society that is more extroverted than we have become. I also felt similar to how you feel. Well, someone once told me that you are special just the way you are. If you are not aggressive, that's really ok. Yes, there are women who seem to want the aggressive type (dont know why). But, there are women who opt to go against the flow and want non-aggressive men.

Dont be afraid to stay true to who you are. It may take some effort but I think it is worth, :).

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.....also not female....

From the title I'm assuming this is in the context of Dominant-Submissive relationships. I think you may be suffering under some misconceptions regarding the power/control balance in such relationships that are promulgated by popular media/hollywood. This has been touched on elsewhere on this site but 50 Shades of Gray is not an accurate model for D/s or BDSM relationships - Christian is not considered to be a Dominant but an abuser by the BDSM community. In regard to the chess game thing - I think that would only be an issue if there is insufficient communication with and/or trust in whomever you are "gifting" that control. If you don't like being spoken down to then a proper Dominant will not do so - on the other hand some people get a sexual thrill out of humiliation and being made to feel insignificant (at least occasionaly).

Here are a few links on the topic if you feel like reading:

http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-sex/6-myths-about-bdsm-inspired-50-shades-grey

https://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/control.html

https://liberateone.wordpress.com/2014/02/13/how-should-a-dominant-treat-his-submissive/

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Cora Jay, I don't really get it either.  I think women have a hunger for masculinity (which is natural, just like men have a hunger for femininity), and sometimes that translates into being attracted to the worst sort of jerks. I think these girls perhaps don't have many positive masculine influence in their lives, and get warped ideas from movies or romance novels like 50 Shades that the "dominant" or domineering guy is masculine. 

 

Personally, I would want to feel absolutely safe with a man, and have the knowledge that although he is bigger and stronger than I am, he would never abuse that; I don't want to be micromanaged or controlled or bullied into things.  A man who protects those weaker than himself is manly, and not somebody who is so immature or warped he has to "dominate" a woman to get his jollies. 

 

Having said that, aggression is not categorically negative, and can be very constructive if channeled properly (I mean really, it's how crap gets done in the world lol); testosterone is not bad, masculinity is not evil, it's wonderful.

Edited by Sabrina
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A little aggressive is fine. Overbearing and domineering is not. I was raised to be independent, especially by my Dad, so I have a tendency to want to be in charge of situations. It's not like I don't ask for help when I need it, but I want the ability to be able to try things myself. Truthfully, I can be a bit masculine, myself, and hotheaded. An overly aggressive guy would be head-butted by me, more often than not lol.

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Sorry, I will steer this elsewhere for a moment.  Also, I am a fella...

 

Why is 50 Shades of Gray even popular?  Mind you, I have never read it, so maybe there is something to it; is there?  The only thing I can think of is: I was on dating sites before, and half the women on the sites said that their favorite book was 50 Shades of Gray.  I wondered if it was just something someone told the girls they should put down as a favorite book in order to be successful in online dating.  I didn't find it any different than all the countless photos of girls after doing the "color run."  I think it might simply be nothing more than a trend, like an internet meme that got blown out of proportion...

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Why is 50 Shades of Gray even popular?  Mind you, I have never read it, so maybe there is something to it; is there?  The only thing I can think of is: I was on dating sites before, and half the women on the sites said that their favorite book was 50 Shades of Gray.  I wondered if it was just something someone told the girls they should put down as a favorite book in order to be successful in online dating.  I didn't find it any different than all the countless photos of girls after doing the "color run."  I think it might simply be nothing more than a trend, like an internet meme that got blown out of proportion...

 

I read the entire series as part of a project I did in college. The books are, hands-down, literally the worst things I have ever read in my life. Not just content-wise; the quality of the writing alone was the worst I'd ever seen in books published by a major publishing house. They follow an already-established trope in smut novels of the broke girl hooking up with the domineering billionaire, so they certainly aren't original in concept even if you exclude the fact that they're admittedly a Twilight AU fan-fic. The only thing the series really contributed to the genre was the addition of way more overtly abusive relationship dynamics. Their popularity is totally inexplicable to me

 

Personally, I value a relationship based on equality. A little bit of playful aggression can be fun (ex. tickle fights), but I'd never want to feel like my boyfriend was using his strength or masculinity to place himself "above" me.

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Why would anyone in their right mind want a relationship like the relationship in 50 Shades of Shit?

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In my experience, Cora Jay, I don't think you are imagining things.  Maybe it's where I live or maybe it's just random chance but, it seems that a great deal of females swoon over and choose males that are domineering and agressive -- usually to the point that these males are regularly disrespectful to females and frequently cross the line into being verbally and emotionally abusive to them.

I've even seen social workers, counselors, those claiming to be hardcore feminists, mental health workers  -- all people who staunchly advise women against such relationships -- latch on to the first "bad boy" or "alpha male" that comes along and proceed to have their nerves, dignity and, emotions trampled.  I have seen many of them enter this type of relationship repeatedly.  It defies logic, flies in the face of common sense and, boggles the mind.

What I have concluded is that someone who chooses and finds this type of male attractive, hasn't yet matured into a woman.  On some level they are still a girl -- an unmatured female.  Likewise, neither do I regard the overly agressive type of male a man.  In his heart, he has not grown and matured into a man.  It can only be expected that an unmatured female would find herself attracted to an unmatured male.

As for myself, as a man, I wouldn't even consider having a relationship with a female who finds bad boys, alphas, and domineering males attractive.  Such a person has not yet become a woman in her heart.  She has yet to develop the wisdom and sensibility that are hallmarks of womanhood.  As a man, I only find women attractive.  I am not romantically drawn to children or to a female who has anything less than the maturity of a full blown woman.

You should be proud of yourself Cora Jay that, on a very important level, you have grown into a woman while so many around you are still little more than children -- essentially girls and adolescents chasing after males who are less than men.

Regarding the Fifty Shades filth, I think most females who fantasize about this type of donkey manure, would find themselves deeply traumatized if they actually had to edure it in real life.  As I stated above, they are not yet grown in heart and mind.  It's much the same as the boy who imagines himself cutting down enemies left and right and fighting gloriously on the battlefield.  He's not really a man until he becomes aware that such a scenario is literally Hell on Earth and that it's best to avoid it if at all possible.

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Sorry, I will steer this elsewhere for a moment.  Also, I am a fella...

 

Why is 50 Shades of Gray even popular?  Mind you, I have never read it, so maybe there is something to it; is there?  The only thing I can think of is: I was on dating sites before, and half the women on the sites said that their favorite book was 50 Shades of Gray.  I wondered if it was just something someone told the girls they should put down as a favorite book in order to be successful in online dating.  I didn't find it any different than all the countless photos of girls after doing the "color run."  I think it might simply be nothing more than a trend, like an internet meme that got blown out of propor

Women like that book for the same reason that many men like pornography. It is poorly written, explicit sexuality. on one hand, it makes them feel that overt sexuality is more accessible, and on the other, the old you're-a-nobody-but-the-rich-handsome-powerful-guy-is-into-you-because-you're-"special" thing is a trope that many women can't resist. 

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In my experience, Cora Jay, I don't think you are imagining things.  Maybe it's where I live or maybe it's just random chance but, it seems that a great deal of females swoon over and choose males that are domineering and agressive -- usually to the point that these males are regularly disrespectful to females and frequently cross the line into being verbally and emotionally abusive to them.

I've even seen social workers, counselors, those claiming to be hardcore feminists, mental health workers  -- all people who staunchly advise women against such relationships -- latch on to the first "bad boy" or "alpha male" that comes along and proceed to have their nerves, dignity and, emotions trampled.  I have seen many of them enter this type of relationship repeatedly.  It defies logic, flies in the face of common sense and, boggles the mind.

What I have concluded is that someone who chooses and finds this type of male attractive, hasn't yet matured into a woman.  On some level they are still a girl -- an unmatured female.  Likewise, neither do I regard the overly agressive type of male a man.  In his heart, he has not grown and matured into a man.  It can only be expected that an unmatured female would find herself attracted to an unmatured male.

As for myself, as a man, I wouldn't even consider having a relationship with a female who finds bad boys, alphas, and domineering males attractive.  Such a person has not yet become a woman in her heart.  She has yet to develop the wisdom and sensibility that are hallmarks of womanhood.  As a man, I only find women attractive.  I am not romantically drawn to children or to a female who has anything less than the maturity of a full blown woman.

You should be proud of yourself Cora Jay that, on a very important level, you have grown into a woman while so many around you are still little more than children -- essentially girls and adolescents chasing after males who are less than men.

Regarding the Fifty Shades filth, I think most females who fantasize about this type of donkey manure, would find themselves deeply traumatized if they actually had to edure it in real life.  As I stated above, they are not yet grown in heart and mind.  It's much the same as the boy who imagines himself cutting down enemies left and right and fighting gloriously on the battlefield.  He's not really a man until he becomes aware that such a scenario is literally Hell on Earth and that it's best to avoid it if at all possible.

I think women do this for the same reason the many men seem to like women who are pretty but crazy. people mistake what they see for something else. the men mistake crazy for exciting and spontaneous, and women mistake arrogance and aggression for masculinity. scientifically speaking, certain personality traits are correlative to certain genetic traits, so maybe women see this douchey behavior as good breeding stock. 

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