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Defining yourself through waiting.

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So I was thinking today, somewhat mildly and somewhat disparately.

 

I find a lot of guys here defining themselves as a waiter, and wanting the same.

 

Now, why am I making this statement, well I was reading a lot of posts on this forum, and making note of a lot of the way people do things and act and I've pretty much come to the conclusion that waiting for marriage is not something people should define themselves by.

 

Let's break it down.

Most of the people here are just like everyone else. The only difference between us and the rest of the world is just the fact that we either waited to have sex, or we haven't had sex. I've noticed in the posts throughout the board (even through my sarcasm lenses) that the things we care about are somewhat on the same scale as everyone else (even though I do like to bring up height every now and then).

 

I've basically reached the conclusion that you can't define yourself on being a waiter, and solely on that and being happy. And honestly, I'm not sure if waiting is the right way to put it anymore.

 

First of all I'm not sure the whole waiting thing is worth much anymore. Why? Because it's likely impossible for people in their later age (even like my age) to find someone else who waited and fits the traits I'm hoping to have. Look I know a lot of us are trying to put a lot of importance on waiting but are also destroying our own chances of finding someone and being happy by thinking this way?

 

 

If we loved someone but because we place such an importance on waiting, isn't it possible we may miss out on someone who would make us happy even if she didn't wait? 

 

Second, the mathematics won't make sense.

Most girls who are waiting (never having sex) don't care as much about whether the guy that they are with waited. I know there is this whole "equality" topic going on in another of the subforms but reality is that men and women think differently and also look for different things in a partner. Some of us guys are going to get the short end of the stick based on the ratio alone.

 

Sure we can wait for the younger girls, but then it just means that guys who are in the next generation will have to wait as well. And then you have men who join the military and die.

 

There isn't a fairness to this formula.

 

Third. 

Why are we defining ourselves by this?

For those of you who are atheists... you get one shot at everything right? (I don't think this applies as much to atheists honestly, but then I have trouble thinking like an atheist so I can't really speak for you).

 

but...

 

For those of us who are Christians, Sons of God, shouldn't we define our identities as men who want to follow this principle? That should be the definition of who we are.

 

In a sense, I think we're putting way too much importance on sex and not enough importance on developing ourselves to be better, or more perfect, or even if you're an atheist just trying to find a way to get through whatever qualms we have to be happy.

 

Life isn't fair, but you don't have to let it bother you so long as you don't define your identity as something stupid. Waiter or non-waiter... if you choose to be something then choose to be something that isn't limited by what you haven't done but by what you CAN do.

 

Rant over.

Thanks for reading.

I think I'm going to take a break for a little while from the forums.

Same old habits.

Also I like pizza.

 

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If we loved someone but because we place such an importance on waiting, isn't it possible we may miss out on someone who would make us happy even if she didn't wait?

AFAIK being a monogynist does the same - If a monogynist liked someone and placed a lot of importance on being monogynist, then he realizes that she is polyandrist, ... isn't he missing someone by choosing to by monogynous?

In most cases like this, I do not see any difference in past, present and future. I do not know why.

Why are we defining ourselves by this?

For those of you who are atheists... you get one shot at everything right? (I don't think this applies as much to atheists honestly, but then I have trouble thinking like an atheist so I can't really speak for you).

Being an atheist does not mean that we do not value virginity or that all of us believe in loose sexual lives, or having low value on sex. I would identify as a waiter when it is appropriate - we should tell our most-valued thing, to convey our ideas to the other side, better.

Second, the mathematics won't make sense.

Most girls who are waiting (never having sex) don't care as much about whether the guy that they are with waited. I know there is this whole "equality" topic going on in another of the subforms but reality is that men and women think differently and also look for different things in a partner. Some of us guys are going to get the short end of the stick based on the ratio alone.

Sure we can wait for the younger girls, but then it just means that guys who are in the next generation will have to wait as well. And then you have men who join the military and die.

It depends on the region, I think. Moreover, who said that getting married young is bad? Haha, I don't think anyone under 18 getting recruited to military and legal age to get married in our country is 18. I know some people who got married very young like this.
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I think the question should be: Is it worth to wait when someone is not  willing to do so anymore ??

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1)Look I know a lot of us are trying to put a lot of importance on waiting but are also destroying our own chances of finding someone and being happy by thinking this way?

2)If we loved someone but because we place such an importance on waiting, isn't it possible we may miss out on someone who would make us happy even if she didn't wait?

3)Why are we defining ourselves by this?

4)For those of you who are atheists... you get one shot at everything right?

 

I that your concerns are very prominant and well thought out.

 

I dont belive I'm destroying my chances of finding someone to be happy with by thinking this way. I belive I am increaseing my chances of finding someone to be happy with. Simply because I dont hold my belifs against others. I dont care weather a girl waited or not. However I do belive there should be some kind of good or special reasoning behind the man or men she did sleep with. I can understand if the girl truely belived that the guy or guys were good and thought she truely loved them or if their spouse was killed in the military. But where I come from the ressons why most women sleep with men are materialistic and sedimental. For example I've met girls sleep with guys because they're hot. I've met girls sleep with guys just because they heard from someone else that their sex was good. I've met girls who sleep with guys for drugs, alchohol, parties, and or money. I've met girls whove slept with guys for revenge. I've even met girls who sleep with guys just because they feel like it. I dont define myself as a waiter just because I dont like non virgins. I just want to find that one good girl. I define myself as a waiter because I belive in the value of chasity.

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First of all I'm not sure the whole waiting thing is worth much anymore. Why? Because it's likely impossible for people in their later age (even like my age) to find someone else who waited and fits the traits I'm hoping to have. Look I know a lot of us are trying to put a lot of importance on waiting but are also destroying our own chances of finding someone and being happy by thinking this way?

 

If we loved someone but because we place such an importance on waiting, isn't it possible we may miss out on someone who would make us happy even if she didn't wait? 

 

So we shouldn't value something simply because most of society doesn't? It sounds to me like we are to let the outside world dictate what we should value based on how easy it is to find. I don't care what other people are doing. I care about what I am doing and nobody should have to adjust what they want simply because it's not popular. Nothing worth pursuing ever comes easy. If anything, we should value waiting even more precisely because it's getting more and more rare. Why do we even have standards to begin with when it would be much easier to just hook up with any random person at the bar? Because it is more fulfilling to hold out for someone who has certain good qualities that make for a good relationship. Waiting is the best way and the right way to deal with sex. Even if someone doesn't believe in God, it can't be denied that procreation and the existence of STDs strongly implies that nature discourages having multiple sexual partners.

 

If we loved someone but because we place such an importance on waiting, isn't it possible we may miss out on someone who would make us happy even if she didn't wait? 

 

That depends on how important waiting is to someone. It's like anything other dealbreaker we have. If it's something that is important enough to someone, then the absence of having that in a partner would make them ultimately unhappy. 

 

Most girls who are waiting (never having sex) don't care as much about whether the guy that they are with waited. I know there is this whole "equality" topic going on in another of the subforms but reality is that men and women think differently and also look for different things in a partner. Some of us guys are going to get the short end of the stick based on the ratio alone.

 

First, I think we need to make the distinction between waiting and virginity. Both are related but ultimately two different things. A non-virgin can decide to wait till marriage from now on while a virgin could simply be that way due to lack of opportunity to lose it casually.

 

Secondly, many girls don't care because they believe the perpetuated lie that they have to give sex to get a guy to stick around or that no guy waits till marriage. It's a classic example of the "if you can't beat em, join em" mentality. I agree that there is a difference in how men and women approach sex. Ironically, part of the reason why this lie is so persistent is also because girls keep giving in to these guys. It's just an endless cycle of moral decline. 

 

Waiting is good for both men and women. But for women, it's especially beneficial in weeding out who truly cares for her and who doesn't. You said that men and women think differently and I agree 100%. The fact is that many women don't realize how much power they wield by simply choosing to wait. Women are the gatekeepers of sex, after all. Sleazy guys would be less likely to take women for granted if they didn't give it out so easily. Unfortunately, often times the fear of being alone is stronger than acknowledging the empowerment of waiting. But what better way to prove one's love than by delaying one's own gratification to focus on the emotional aspect of a relationship?

 

For those of us who are Christians, Sons of God, shouldn't we define our identities as men who want to follow this principle? That should be the definition of who we are.

 

In a sense, I think we're putting way too much importance on sex and not enough importance on developing ourselves to be better, or more perfect, or even if you're an atheist just trying to find a way to get through whatever qualms we have to be happy.

 

Life isn't fair, but you don't have to let it bother you so long as you don't define your identity as something stupid. Waiter or non-waiter... if you choose to be something then choose to be something that isn't limited by what you haven't done but by what you CAN do.

 

I'm not really sure where you keep getting this idea that a lot of us are defining ourselves solely on being a waiter. I mean, this is a forum about waiting so naturally we're going to talk about it a lot. But that doesn't mean we define ourselves by waiting. Sure, there are lots of ways in improving ourselves. But waiting is a big part of that too because it develops lots of other good traits that go along with it as well such as patience, perseverance, selflessness, honor etc.

 

Personally, I can look past it if she isn't a virgin. But I cannot look past it if she is not waiting out of her own choice. It is something, among other things, that I strongly believe in and I will not accept anything less.

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I agree with what Invincible said. Also like to add if you create an identity, you add more the concept of self and more to oppose the world about. It's really win lose. Because if you oppose the world, then you will find yourself as many, an enemy on the run. But rather than forming a concrete identity, it's ok to accept the way you are and form good boundaries in the form of morals and values so you are not swayed so much by people who want to change you. People are drawn to others who are strong in who they are but also allow others to be who they are. This is what I learned.

 

This forum I have seen so far much support for people who have addictions to pornography and they were able to overcome them. So while I cannot say that everyone is destined to overcome pornography, it is the lesser of two evils, the second being having sex with a girl you do not love and hurting yourself AND the girl and quite possibly a future baby because I really do believe that women carry imprints from all their lovers and it's called telegony. So I know if I can't give up porn, having sex is not an option at all unless the woman and me are committed to a serious relationship that involves children. I know how damaging porn is and to the lives of the men and women involved and there are ways to even transition out of porn and into something else to get a release like what I said I was doing getting release from connections to images of eye contact and not the flesh or other people's act of sex, or submitting to natural vulnerability in the woman through her music (especially Thai women), at that time in my life I was still doing it and not having proper relationships with women, but the thing is it was mainly due to all the pressure from many. If you somehow became a man of high character, then you become like the blonde in the bar, it's hard to push off the advances the women throw at you and takes even more stronger character than I had to just be cool and upfront with them about who you are as a waiter and not just run away from all the girls like which I did when I was 23.  So being great with women comes at a price. I got involved in all the seduction community stuff ultimately to find my true inner values which align with God's natural order of things that sex belongs in a committed style relationship. What did people do before contraception, think about that one, there was still promiscuity but they had no way around the consequences.

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So I’m super late to this…and also a girl…but here are my thoughts.

 

I've basically reached the conclusion that you can't define yourself on being a waiter, and solely on that and being happy. 

 

Like others have said, I don’t think most people here identify solely as being a waiter, and nothing else. There are probably hundreds of different facets to everyone’s identity, and this site happens to cater to one of them. As a result, we sure talk about that one thing a lot here, but a quick peek through some of the more controversial topics can show you that most people here have a lot of other stuff going on that helps to round them out and make them happy. You even note it yourself when you say that people seem to have the same sort of diversity of beliefs you see among non-waiters.

 

If we loved someone but because we place such an importance on waiting, isn't it possible we may miss out on someone who would make us happy even if she didn't wait? 

 

To me, that’s sort of like saying “could I be missing out on love by refusing to date someone who doesn’t want kids, or smokes, or wants to live on a farm?†While that person may have many other wonderful qualities, the sad fact would be that we simply would be too different to be able to build a life together that would make both of us happy. I’d much rather be alone than squash my own values and dreams to cater to my partner’s. We might be able to be good friends, but those deal breakers would rule out any possibility of a romantic relationship.

 

Most girls who are waiting (never having sex) don't care as much about whether the guy that they are with waited. I know there is this whole "equality" topic going on in another of the subforms but reality is that men and women think differently and also look for different things in a partner. Some of us guys are going to get the short end of the stick based on the ratio alone.

 

There are plenty of girls who care; I did. But even if female waiters are less likely to have non-waiting as a deal breaker, does not mean those women are unhappy to discover a male waiter. Quite the opposite, in fact.

 

Why are we defining ourselves by this?

For those of you who are atheists... you get one shot at everything right? (I don't think this applies as much to atheists honestly, but then I have trouble thinking like an atheist so I can't really speak for you).

 

Not totally sure what you meant by this, but yeah, I do think I get one shot at everything. Which means I’ll do absolutely everything in my power to ensure that I live the best, most satisfying life that I can. For me, being exclusively with a single person feels like an important part of that.

 

In a sense, I think we're putting way too much importance on sex and not enough importance on developing ourselves to be better, or more perfect, or even if you're an atheist just trying to find a way to get through whatever qualms we have to be happy.

 

Life isn't fair, but you don't have to let it bother you so long as you don't define your identity as something stupid. Waiter or non-waiter... if you choose to be something then choose to be something that isn't limited by what you haven't done but by what you CAN do.

 

Like I said above, I think most people here are working on bettering themselves in a variety of ways, it just may not always be apparent given the nature of this site. For example, i recently started a topic about improving my diet and exercising; something that has absolutely *nothing* to do with sexuality!  :D

 

There are quite a few identities aside from waiting that are defined by not doing something. Being a vegan is one. Heck, so is atheism. I agree that it is healthy to define yourself primarily through what you can do, but I also don’t see the harm in having a few “nots†thrown in there too.

 

Thanks for reading.

I think I'm going to take a break for a little while from the forums.

 

I hope you rejoin the conversations soon; I have enjoyed talking with you.  :)

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Yeah, I think I was just feeling really frustrated with a tenant who wouldn't move out when I started this post. Not sure why I posted it in the first place ....

 

But thank you all for your responses :)

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