Mike

Project: Virgin Radar

12 posts in this topic

Why?

When a person that is waiting meets a new potential love interest, one of the first thoughts that usually crosses their mind is “Is there a chance that he/she might be waiting till marriage like me?”

What is Project: Virgin Radar?

You’ve probably heard that gay people can tell almost instinctively whether somebody else is gay. They call it “gaydar”. Now, wouldn’t it be nice if you could have the same instinct for knowing whether somebody else was waiting until marriage? Wouldn’t it be helpful if you could spot other waiters instantly, as if you had some kind radar (or “virgin-dar”) for detecting them?

Is that possible?

Of course it’s possible. After all, gay people don’t have some magical ability that lets them spot other gay people: it’s just a matter of recognizing parts of yourself in somebody else.

You already have this ability, you just need to sharpen it

After talking about this with another forum member (Leo), we both realized that although it was difficult to consciously figure out (say, on a date) whether somebody else was waiting till marriage, neither of us ever felt surprised when we actually heard their answer, one way or the other. It was as if some part of us knew the answer (yes or no) before we even heard it.

The goal of Project: Virgin Radar

The goal of Project Virgin Radar is to pool our collective experiences to develop a system for estimating whether or not somebody else is waiting till marriage just on visual and verbal cues. In the end, we should have a great list of tips for figuring out if a potential date is or isn’t waiting till marriage, without asking.

And if we do a really good job, we’ll end up with a way to gauge anybody’s core attitude towards sex on the whole, because some people aren’t waiting, but they still value sex more than most, and that’s worth recognizing too.

How can you help?

As a person who is waiting on sex, I’m sure you’ve looked at members of the opposite sex and asked yourself “Is there any chance that they’re waiting till marriage?”, or even “Ok there’s no way that he’s waiting till marriage (or she).” And I’m sure that you came up with your own answer to that question every time it came up (even if you just straight-up asked them).

Now, think back, what helped you make your decision one way or the other? In general, what cues do you look for to determine a potential date’s core attitude towards sex? What have you found to be a reliable indicator, and what is a red herring (something that seems like a clue but isn’t)?

List everything you can. Share your tips and stories about times when you had somebody accurately pegged one way or the other.

We’ll Turn this Into a System

Once we get lots of good tips and insights from you and others, we’ll work to compile them into a sort of cheat-sheet to make available on the main WaitingTillMarriage.org website.

So join the discussion and share your insights!

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I'll start it off...

  1. Tone of voice when talking about sex/sex organs. If a girl refers to "dick" as a separate entity (apart from any person, like she's talking about a natural resource that she can't get enough of), with a note of relishing, pleasure, and knowledge in her voice...she's probably not waiting, and probably a bit of a sex nut (thought not necessarily promiscuous).
  2. Small cross necklace. Big cross is showing it off and compensating; small cross is often personal and meaningful. Because many girls that are waiting (that I've met) seem to be Christian-affiliated...if I'm getting a slight "maybe waiting" vibe from a girl, I'll usually check for a cross necklace next.
  3. For guys: Shy at first, then instantly smart and engaging. Lots of light in their eyes, but restraint in their approach.
  4. Girls that wait have a slight hesitation before engaging physically. Like, they either stay shy or they pause a step before physically engaging. More reserved in their posture. I don't know how to describe this other than "slightly hesitant". And it's not always the case. I've known plenty of highly un-hesitant/hyper-extroverted waiting girls.
  5. Waiters tend not to talk about sex a lot, from what I've seen.
  6. Excessive cleavage usually means not waiting. Not that there's anything wrong with cleavage or that girls who are waiting can't show it well...just that statistically, when I see some chick with her boobs hanging out, my natural instinct is "probably not waiting", and I'm usually right...especially when it's really ridiculous cleavage (like "Hi there, these are my boobs, and my name is Susie" cleavage).

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This list is in no way definitive and there will always be exceptions. More often than not, however, these characteristics reveal someone who is fairly jaded and that itself is an indicator of not waiting.

  1. Media. Generally, but not always, you can get a semi-decent idea if someone is waiting based on what they watch/listen to. Again this is in no way definitive and of course there are always exceptions but if I find out that a girl's favorite shows include, Jersey Shore, Gossip Girl, and/or Teen Mom it makes me a little cautious. Likewise listening to all the current club hits is typically an indicator that they like to party. These factors may apply more in a college town as opposed to adult life...
  2. Appearance. This one is huge and ties into what Mike mentioned earlier about cleavage. Things I look for are any significant bodily alterations (i.e. tattoos, multiple piercings, gauged earrings, super fake tans, tons of makeup, platinum blond hair/highlights), and style of clothing. Low cut shorts and hot pants don't usually indicate modesty both in regards to fashion and personal conduct.
  3. Language. Excessive swearing is usually an indicator from what I've noticed. As someone who is waiting I do make a rather uncomfortable amount of inappropriate jokes but I never even hint at my personal involvement with sex. Everything I say is very objective and removed. I've found that if a person, no matter how innocent they may seem, talks about sex and their personal involvement (i.e. one day I hope to make love on a beach) they are most likely not waiting.

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I've been surprised by contradictions...for instance meeting a girl who wears the headscarf, supposedly prays daily, etc. and who commits fornication with one guy or another, when her parents aren't watching...and a tattooed, pierced girl (who was straight-edge) and did none of the above (including sex). Strange almost disheartening thing is, sooo many of the 'I don't have sex' girls I know of are actually asexual *winces*. Anywho, while your list of signs does make a lot of sense, there are exceptions to the rule...

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Strange almost disheartening thing is, sooo many of the 'I don't have sex' girls I know of are actually asexual *winces*.

Oh man so true. Sometimes I wonder if they're just saying that because they don't want to be stigmatized. I knew one girl that totally claimed to be asexual but once she found a guy she really liked...it was ON.

Anywho, while your list of signs does make a lot of sense, there are exceptions to the rule...

Haha yes - that's why I said this.

This list is in no way definitive and there will always be exceptions.

:lol:

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What clues can help me figure out if a guy is waiting OR more realistically he would be okay dating me without sex? For instance I knew a guy who only had sex within committed relationships and said he was willing to wait for me. Other than 'church guys', I assume sex is a part of the relationship. =/

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Oh! I totally ignored guys in my post. :)

For me personally and most of my guy friends that are waiting the biggest indicator is probably language. Pay attention to how they talk about sex. I mentioned earlier in this thread that I never talk about sex subjectively. I'll tell dirty jokes and things but nothing that relates to me. From what I've observed I'd have to say that would be the quickest way to gather an initial impression.

Also try to ask questions about what he likes to do. By asking the right questions you can get a pretty good sense of who he is and who he spends his time with. For example if you asked what a typical weekend is like for him and he said something along the lines of getting hammered at a bar/club, or playing beer pong with his buddies chances are he's probably not waiting. My view is probably a little biased because I'm in college but even before I left home a lot of people did exactly that anyway.

As for dating without sex that's probably something that's just easiest to talk about. You don't want to be in the position where you're making out with someone and they take out a condom. Of course you'd find out then if he'd be okay dating without sex. The easiest way to find out for sure is, once you get to know him, just explain your decision to him and see how he reacts. If he runs for the hills, then good riddance. If he sticks around, you may have a keeper. You should also be able to tell if he's waiting once you explain your decision. If he's waiting he'll probably (excitedly) tell you that he's waiting too.

If he's not waiting and he doesn't like you he'll either stop dating you or make you a target. That's something you'll want to be careful about. If he makes you a target, he'll see you as a challenge and getting with you will turn into a game. Make yourself very clear that you're not interested in that at all.

If he's not waiting and he does like you he'll probably feel bad that he didn't wait too. He'll most likely want to continue dating and be willing to wait for your sake. At this point it will have to be up to you whether you want to continue the relationship or not.

Other than 'church guys', I assume sex is a part of the relationship. =/

Totally not true. I go to church less than once a year and I'm absolutely adamant about waiting. One of my best friends (who was waiting) got married a few years ago and he also was not a 'church guy.' It is far more likely that, given two random guys, a guy who attends church regularly will be waiting over a guy that does not go to church. More likely does not mean a guarantee though. :)

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Thanks for your advice! I'm in college as well, and it is interesting getting to know people and seeing how some are not what you assumed/expected, while other are. (In good and bad ways) I dated during my senior year of h.s. and he broke up with me once we got to college--problem with that was I was too overly worried about purity type stuff and we practically did nothing physical, and then he didn't like me anymore...definitly some communication issues. =/ I havent dated at all in college until this year (I'm a junior) I dated a guy for about a month last sem and he said he still had feeling for his ex. That blew because we had pretty good communication (I felt), and he was respectful about me waiting even though he was not a virgin. (He said he wanted to wait now until he was married, but it sounded like he was heavily influenced by whoever he was dating) Then, I got set up by my sister and her bf, and I eneded up having to explain to that guy about waiting. I think he has made me a 'target'. We still keep in touch once in awhile (just like facebook chat) and last time he had been drinking and he said he was still 'wildly attracted' to me, 'enjoyed my company' and had used some lame attempts at sweet talking before that. =P I just blocked him on chat; he can't tell because we are still 'friends'

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The answer is you can't. Sometimes you might be right, but most of the time, at least from what I've found, that isn't the case.

The women who I thought most certainly waited or were waiting, indeed did not and were not.

Even the fattest, ugliest ones I didn't think anyone would want to touch that I knew of ended up not being virgins. And in fact, far from it.

Therefore I don't assume things and I don't like to speculate about this issue; it's much more complex than that.

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There's no way to tell. Some of my most vulgar friends are still virgins, and while they may not be "waiting for marriage" per se, they are waiting for the right person. I make sexual jokes on occasion and my diction isn't conservative in the least. I'm not overtly prudish in the way I dress--I like short dresses sometimes and maybe a few low-cut tops here and there. By those standards, I should've given it up long ago, but I haven't.

The most accurate indicator is if they're Mormon hahaha.. 95% chance that they're waiting till marriage.

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@Wanderlust - Speaking as somebody who also dresses, cusses, and (occasionally) parties very liberally...it might be hard to spot my waiter status through appearance, but I still think people could get a clue about it with some careful questions. Hell, if you just point blank asked me "When's the last time you had sex?" I'm sure the conflicted look on my face would give away SOMETHING before I decided to tell the truth or answer politically. :lol:

Still, I see yours and martel's points. Maybe this Virgin Radar idea was a little too ambitious, but I think there are still worthwhile points to be had and I'm interested to hear what kinds of insights everybody has about it.

Also, your Mormon point totally cracked me up. Half-kidding or no, that's an accurate statement.

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@Wanderlust - Speaking as somebody who also dresses, cusses, and (occasionally) parties very liberally...it might be hard to spot my waiter status through appearance, but I still think people could get a clue about it with some careful questions. Hell, if you just point blank asked me "When's the last time you had sex?" I'm sure the conflicted look on my face would give away SOMETHING before I decided to tell the truth or answer politically. :lol:

very true, but there's no sure-fire way of knowing someone is a virgin without, well, asking them :P

Also, your Mormon point totally cracked me up. Half-kidding or no, that's an accurate statement.

it's so true, though! there's always the odd jack Mormon who has pre-marital sex, but the majority usually waits for marriage. they don't wait long, though, as the average age of a Mormon marrying is 20 or something of the sorts.

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