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voulaki726

NON-VIRGIN Waiters who married virgins: QUESTION

30 posts in this topic

no, that's not my real picture sorry! Haha!

no, that's not my real picture sorry! Haha!

thought I was finally in love! :(

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Doesn't matter. A girl who waits till marriage is incomparably more beautiful then the one who has already lost the priceless treasure, even if the latter is Miss World, Universe etc.

This thread is not about what you think about nonvirgins.

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It is hard to date a non virgin waiter. He will not understand the reasons you decided to wait till marriage. I hope you make the right decision in your relationship especially if you two decide to marry one day.

A nonvirgin waiter will understand the reasons a person decides to wait for he IS a waiter. Most nonvirgins are not waiters. If a nonvirgin decides to wait, they have made a profound choice. It just may have taken them awhile to come to this virtuous truth in the notion of waiting. But they do understand its value or they wouldn't be waiting.

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You've all made some very insightful posts. Definitely some worth pondering. I'm not married, but I still would like to present the perspective from a virgin who is unable to take a non-virgin. I simply cannot. The way I think about things and the subtleties of my being inherently make me incompatible with one. I can't change who I am, so instead I'm just accommodating for what I can work with. This will spare both myself and any potential partner from problems and complications down the road. I know other people who are the same way, and I encourage everyone to stick with their gut on these matters. If you can be with a non-virgin, then that's great, but if you can't, then there is no shame in that. At least, that's what I think.

That does bring up a few questions worth discussing. Are waiters who are willing to take people who were initially non-waiters morally superior? Do people like myself have to resign ourselves to being bitter and judgmental? Are we weaker for not being able to overlook the past? It'll be interesting to hear more about this. There is inevitably going to be bias on each of our ends. If we are being judged for a mistake we made in the past, we are likely to feel the need to defend ourselves, as well as defend other people who have done the same. At the same time, hearing that somebody else made a mistake that we have never made, depending on the severity of that mistake, it's going to be much harder for us to sympathize with them. Of course, some people do have that level of empathy and can easily put themselves in another person's shoes. The rest of us have to draw the line somewhere.

Even outside of waiting, there are things that some people cannot look past. We all have our own dealbreakers, after all. I think when we see that an aspect about ourselves is considered a dealbreaker for someone, we do feel a slight desire to vindicate ourselves. It is hard to learn how to deal with that, and I can't say that I have totally learned how to myself either. But I think that's okay. As an example, I know that some people would consider that my usage of porn in the past has permanently "tainted" me, and as much as I may want to contest that, I know that I can't. I have to respect that. While I did quit, do regret ever having used it, and stand firmly against that entire industry, some people are just going to see that as me having my cake and eating it too. I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing it that way though. To be completely honest, that's kinda how I see non-virgin waiters too. I do recognize that's very harsh, but I don't think that way with malicious intent or anything like that. Are we being judgmental? Sure, but we can't pretend that we're so open-minded and forgiving that we don't ever judge people for doing things that we disagree with. We can certainly strive towards being that free-spirited, but everyone has their limit.

I think the important thing to take away from this thread is that only you know what you're comfortable with, and you should live your life accordingly. You can't look at this like it's a matter of right and wrong. I agree that you shouldn't hold someone's past against them. I agree that what matters most is that they love you more than anyone before. I also agree that we should only look at someone for who they are now. While all of these things are very idealistic, I don't think all of us are capable of being that way. I wouldn't say that's as bad as it sounds though. I know for me that I don't look down on or condemn the people who don't fit my standards. I just wouldn't be able to develop romantic feelings for them is all. Honestly I think I could be best friends with most people in the world and love them in that sense. But I do recognize that I am judging them. I think that's just a normal thing to do. People will judge me for other things, so I'd say it's fair. At the end of the day, only you know what's best for you, because you understand yourself better than anybody else ever could. You know how much you can take and how much you can look past. I don't want people to rush into questionable relationships or stay in miserable ones only for the sake of being morally righteous or something like that. If you can't accept something about your partner/potential partner, then that's fine. How you go about handling that is entirely up to you. Everybody will try to tell you what the "right" thing to do is, but that might not coincide with what you think is right. You have to stand by that.

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On 7/13/2015 at 6:06 PM, voulaki726 said:

1) jealousy- thinking of this person you love being with someone else in that way, giving that special thing to someone else that was only supposed to be for you (in our mind's at least), and also that someone else gave pleasure to your spouse that was only for YOU to give, that someone else KNEW your spouse in a way only YOU were supposed to know them. it's painful and at times extremely disgusting to think about.

 

 If you believe premarital sex is wrong, then ultimately it is up to you to determine whether or not it is forgivable. If a man loves you enough to commit the rest of his life to you, that sounds way more special than one’s virginity…at least to me. 

If a guy is physically or emotionally attracted to a woman, he will be extremely easy to please…(Think about it…our gender is the one that can prematurely ejaculate/orgasm lol :lol:) So if a guy is into a women, generally speaking there is just one thing she needs to remember. She needs to have fun when sexually giving to him and/or when he is doing things to her.

Don’t make him ask for the things he enjoys every time…give to him with a fun and caring attitude (You would probably want the same)… If you can do that, it’s not going to matter how many women he’s slept with, because you will be fully satisfying his sexual needs. So if he's 100% satisfied with you, you have no need for jealousy or insecurity. Under this situation, I don’t think jealousy is justified.

However, if you find out later on in the relationship your partner is settling for you, then jealousy is totally understandable. To me settling means a person makes a sacrifice to be with their significant other (SO). There are two criteria present when this happens.

A)    It is outside of the SO’s abilities to fulfill/meet the sacrifice their partner made.

B ) The person settling will always desire and miss the thing/s they gave up.

A person will settle because they want something of slightly greater value i.e money, housing, companionship, a family, regular sex, etc. As a result, they will never be truly fulfilled/satisfied because that person will always wish their SO was better. 

Usually when someone settles sexually, it’s due to physical preferences. So if your bf only likes one type of woman and you’re not his type but he is willing to sacrifice his physical preferences because he wants (fill in the blank) _________ from you, then yeah that’s when it is totally understandable to be jealous, frustrated, pissed or insecure. 

Personally, If was dating the right girl, I’d marry her regardless of how many guys she has plowed, as long as she’s NOT settling for me. I’ll hope she was treated well by her partners and I'll focus on being the best I can be for her. Since she’s NOT settling, I know I’ll be able to satisfy her/make happy :)

Now if I was dating a virgin and she was settling for me physically because she’d rather be married than alone for the rest of her life….I would most definitely not marry that girl. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone wishing I could be better when there is nothing I can do about it…that is someone I won’t be able to truly satisfy/make happy.

Dating will always be better with two people that know themselves well.

***BTW - I believe there is a massive difference between settling and compromising***

On 7/13/2015 at 6:06 PM, voulaki726 said:

2) jealousy as regards to being compared to past partners when we finally have sex, plus feeling like they are bringing all of that past baggage into your sex life.  There's also the fear of being compared, like they are thinking of their past partners/comparing and remembering how it was with them when they are with you.

There are plenty of people who have a sexual past of varying degrees and don’t have any baggage. If that’s the case, make sure you’re not the one creating an issues.

I would argue there is a big difference between comparing and noticing differences. Comparing would be if he was measuring a person’s worth, abilities, values, qualities etc. against yours and it would have a direct impact on him. If he’s a good guy, he will not be comparing…any more than you would compare him to other boyfriends. Noticing differences is totally fine because it does not impact him in anyway.

On 7/13/2015 at 6:06 PM, voulaki726 said:

3) feeling bad since for us virgins it will be our first time and will be special (regardless of how "good" it is technically) but feeling like since our partner (spouse) has done it already it won't be as special for them.  They can take our virginity which is very special, but we won't be able to take theirs because it's already been taken.  For many of us virgin waiters, deep down we always wanted to marry a fellow virgin waiter so that in our minds it can be equally special for both of us.  Basically, it's not like it's fresh clean slate/ new experience for the both of you.  One party is bringing, like I said before, baggage from the past sexual experiences that they could never FULLY forget.

“they” can’t take your virginity. You are choosing to give it to away. If you can’t give it away with a good attitude, I'd suggest you think twice about it.

What would you say to non virgin, married couples who say sex in marriage is more special and better than non-married sex? What if he lost his virginity/had sex with women that he did not love...and he tells you he loves you more than any other women and it will be the most special experience for him? Also, as fare as sex being “good”, for many guys…when they love a woman, sex will feel much better…so if you’re concerned about how "good" you’ll be for him, I can promise you he will be happy.

If his virginity means more to you than his love, commitment and desire to spend the rest of his life with you, I would encourage you to stick around WTM…there are some great virgin guys here you should consider.

Several years ago I read a study conducted by the CDC that said 97% of U.S males 25+ have had sex and 98% of women 25+ have had sex….If true and the study was properly conducted, you might want to keep that in mind. 

I don’t mean this to sound condescending or disrespectful at all…In the real world, life is not 100% fair or equal and that includes relationships.( I have to remind myself of this) Relationships will be a give and take…I doubt you will ever have a perfectly = relationship.

On 7/13/2015 at 6:06 PM, voulaki726 said:

4) just having that feeling like your partner has "one upped" you since they've had more experience before, and they can "teach" you what they learned..but who wants someone to teach them what they learned having sex with someone else? ugggh

 

5) basically we also just feel cheated and like it's not fair, " I waited for them, why couldn't they wait for me....they don't deserve me....and I deserve better...shouldn't lower my standards...."  etc

I would say it’s more him teaching you about his body…not what he has done with other women…Simply tell him you don’t want him to teach you anything. Tell him you want to explore his body, figure out what drives him wild and yeah he'll feel like he just won the lottery….lol yeah he’ll forget all about the other girls.

;) trust me on this one.

This makes sense and it’s a good thing to discuss before feelings develop…It’s not easy waiting. The better you know yourself, the easier it will be to find the right guy...and dating guys who also know themselves very well is just as important.

On 7/13/2015 at 6:06 PM, voulaki726 said:

I'm currently dating a guy who I thought was perfect in every way and who really is great, but I was shocked and disgusted when I found out he had a one night stand, plus another experience which was supposed to be a one night stand but then grew into some pseudo-relationship BS thing.

There is no such thing as a perfect guy…if you think this, you will only be disappointed and that is too much pressure to put on a guy.

I’m no Dr. Phil but if you feel disgusted with the guy you’re dating, yeah probably time to start shopping again.

 

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